Convincing Constance (The Blow Hole Boys), page 13
“Hey, what’s up?” I said into the speaker.
“Are you ready to have your mind blown?” she said.
I could hear her smile through the phone.
“Yes. Blow me, baby.”
I pulled open my refrigerator, grabbed a bottle of water, and leaned against the counter to down it.
“Gary called. Music Line just announced the line-up for Rock Across America.”
Rock Across America was a huge tour that included all the hottest rock bands at the time. Being a part of RAA was a big deal—a really big fucking deal. Rock Across America meant the world to me.
“And?” I said with anticipation.
Lena was silent on the other line before she broke into a squeal.
“And pack your shit because we’re in, baby!” she screamed into the phone.
I almost dropped my cell and water shot from my nose.
“Are you fucking kidding me right now?” I screamed back.
“Oh my God, Constance. We’re going to be playing alongside Savage Will, Lester’s Lullaby, Blow Hole, Revenge Rites, and a bunch of other kickass bands. Can you believe it?”
And just like that, all my excitement faded away. My hands became sweaty and my heart dropped so hard I lost my breath. The bottle of water in my hand slipped and crashed to the floor in slow motion. It bounced against the tile before a ring of water began to surround it.
“Constance? Are you there?” Lena asked.
I hadn’t realized she was still talking. Once she said the name Blow Hole, I stopped listening. Everything sounded as if it were thousands of miles away and in a tunnel.
“Yeah. I’m here.”
“You should be way more excited about this.”
I went from lounging against the counter to using it for support. My legs just weren’t doing the trick anymore, and I was worried I was going to fall flat on my face.
Going on tour with Blow Hole—with him—was the worst thing that could happen to me. I had to think of a way to get out of it. I wasn’t sure I could do it. I wasn’t sure I could be around him without either falling into his arms or ripping his eyes out. I hadn’t decided which I wanted to do more.
“No.” I swallowed. “I’m excited, but do you think Rock Across America is a good idea right now. I mean, we just finished our newest album. Maybe we should talk to Gary about doing our own tour.” My words sounded idiotic even to me, but I had to at least try.
“You’re joking, right?” Lena’s excitement died. “Rock Across America is bigger than anything we could ever do on our own. No way can we turn this down. Snap out of it, Constance. I’m calling the rest of the girls. Let’s meet at JJ’s bar tonight to talk about it more, okay?”
“Yeah. Okay. I’ll see you there.”
I ended the call and set my cell on the counter. The room around me felt different—altered. It wasn’t my sanctuary anymore, now that their name had been spoken inside its walls. Now it was a prison of emotions and I felt like I’d been given a life sentence. The windows were shrinking and the walls were moving in on me.
Being a part of the RAA tour was the best thing for the Sirens. It would put the word out about us and help push our new album into best-seller categories. My own emotional baggage aside, we couldn’t turn down the opportunity, which meant in a few weeks I’d be face to face with Blow Hole—face to face with Tony. Just thinking about it made me nauseated.
One thing was for sure; I wouldn’t fall back into his trap. No matter how badly I longed for his arms around me. No matter how lonely I’d been over the years, and no matter how much I thought of him. He was worse than drugs, and I wouldn’t fall back into him. Never again.
A FEW WEEKS LATER, I was stepping aboard a red-and-black bus with the name Red Room Sirens scrawled across the side in jagged cursive font. Just like the Blow Hole bus, there was one big room in the back and bunks that led the way down the slim hallway to the room. One big difference in our bus and theirs, which made me insanely happy, was the size of the bathroom. Ours was twice the size of theirs, thankfully.
The tour was starting in Seattle, which meant we had a few days before sound check, and I had time to get myself ready for what was sure to be an extremely awkward situation.
“Does Finn look as hot in person as he does on the front of this CD?” Mia asked.
Mia was our bass player and also Lena’s little sister. Where Lena was tall and sexy, Mia was short and cute. They were raised in a strict Baptist family. Each could play any instrument you handed them and both could sing. They were a force and a damn good addition to any band.
“Finn’s married, you know?” I filled her in.
“Yeah, I know, but a bitch can dream.” She laughed. “I just want to lick him all over.” She did a quick shake like she had the chills.
Since Finn had been more like a big brother to me, her talk and actions were kind of gross.
“Well, don’t dream too hard. It’s never going to happen,” I said dryly.
“What about Tiny? Umm, those big hands and the way he would just tower over me.” Mia licked her lips. “And to think, you got to see that man play bass up close. Lucky whore.”
I didn’t feel very lucky. In fact, I felt like the most unlucky person in the damn world. Like, broken mirrors under ladders unlucky.
A lot had happened since I’d last seen the boys. Not that I was keeping up with them or anything, but it was kind of hard to not hear about what was going on with bands I knew when I worked for the same record label. I’d heard that both Zeke and Finn had gotten married. Both had children and one on the way. I couldn’t help but wonder if maybe all the guys in the group had changed their ways. Maybe since Zeke and Finn were being all domesticated, Chet and Tony were, too.
I smiled at my own thoughts. Chet would never settle down. That was one guy that would die single, and Tony was too… Well, he was too Tony. It wasn’t that he would never settle down. It was that he had to find a girl who was okay with coming second to pills. Considering who he was, I was sure he’d find someone like that, no questions asked. If he hadn’t already. But I wasn’t going to apologize for wanting more.
The first night sleeping on the bus was the hardest. I didn’t even fight for the big bed in the back. Instead, I squeezed my tall ass into a bunk that was made for short bitches. I spent the night trying to stretch my legs out. At one point, Hope face-planted into my leg in the middle of the night when she got up to take a piss. She wasn’t too happy about that.
The ride from Los Angeles to Seattle felt like it took ages, but before long, we were pulling up to the first venue. It was a big coliseum with smaller venues connected.
I pulled on my black Converse and slid into my hoodie. Covering my head with the hood, I stepped off the bus and straight into light showers that were coating the windows.
It was gray in Seattle. That was the only way to describe it. Gray and dreary, which strangely matched my mood perfectly. Rainy day Mondays always got me down, especially when there was a chance I was going to run into the asshole that took a big shit on my heart.
I tried to look on the bright side of things, and the bright side was that at least we were playing at an inside venue. Plugging in, in the kind of weather Seattle had to offer, didn’t sound like sunshine and roses. I wasn’t up for that shit at all.
“Hey, Constance, wait up!” Hope called from behind me.
She ran up to me with her drumsticks in hand. She rarely went anywhere without them. Her yellow boots sloshed through the shallow puddles outside the bus. She had her hood up as well, except her jacket had no sleeves, allowing everyone to see the artwork on her arms.
“Where you headed?” she asked.
“Just needed to get off that fucking bus,” I replied.
“Think we’ll run into any of the bands today?”
She reached in her pocket, pulled out a pack of gum, and tossed a piece in her mouth. She’d gone three months without a smoke, and chewing gum was what she replaced the nicotine with. She was a total bitch lately, but I was proud of her.
“I hope not.”
“You’re crazy. I’m all fan-girling and shit already. I just hope I don’t fuck up and accidently rape Reed from Savage Will.”
I laughed.
“Accidently rape him, huh?”
“Yeah. I could trip and swallow his cock. Stranger things have happened.” She grinned. “Are you excited to see your boys again?” she asked, talking about the Blow Hole boys.
The girls knew I’d toured once with the guys, but that’s all. The only reason they even knew that was because Gary opened his big fucking mouth and said something about it one day. He also mentioned the fact that I was Clarke McClaire’s daughter. The girls spent the first month we were together practically bowing at me. Rock royalty was a bitch, especially when I didn’t feel very royal.
“They’re not my boys, and not really.” I shrugged. “I doubt they’d even remember me.”
“Right. Like you’re forgettable. You’re the biggest bitch I know. Next to me, of course.”
It was that exact moment that the Blow Hole bus came into view. Our bus driver had parked as far away from the rest of the buses, per my request, but as far as I was concerned, it wasn’t far enough.
“Speak of the devils,” Hope said as she popped her gum. “I bet Zeke’s on there right now, sporting a massive piece of wood. I should go in and ask if I can have a seat.”
“Jesus, Hope. Is that all you think about?” I turned on her.
“What?” She looked at me like I was the crazy one. “I like sex. It’s perfectly healthy to have a large sexual appetite, which makes you the unhealthiest bitch I know.”
“Yeah. Thanks. Just because I don’t pop a squat on the first cock I see, I’m totally unhealthy. Makes sense,” I said sarcastically.
My eyes were glued to the razor-sharp font on the side of their bus. Blow Hole. Memories of being on tour with them came to me. Memories of Tony cut deep into my heart and took my breath away. It only added to my anger.
“Come on. Let’s head back,” I said as I started to turn around.
“Oh, look. There’s the bass player. What’s his name again?” Hope said a little too loudly.
And then I saw him. He looked up at that moment and our eyes connected from across the short distance as he stepped off the bus. The side of his mouth lifted into a small, knowing grin. And my lips ached to smile back.
He looked almost the same. Same shaved head, same dark eyes, and same piercings. The only difference was he looked even bigger, if that was possible. His jeans hung from his hips and his black T-shirt was tight across his chest. He looked delicious, and I cursed my lady bits for being so damn hungry for him.
I knew when we signed with Music Line and L.A. Records that I’d run into Tony at some point, but I’d always hoped I’d be long over him. I’d hoped that I’d pass by him and not even notice he was there, but again, I was the unluckiest bitch alive.
Without smiling back, I turned and walked away. I heard Hope right behind me and was thankful she didn’t ask any questions. I was sure I’d worn my feelings all over my face in the moment my eyes connected with his.
The truth was the next month and a half was going to be total hell. I wasn’t sure I was prepared for the burn that was coming my way. Staying true to myself wasn’t going to be easy, especially since the devil that haunted my dreams for the past four years looked even better than the last time I’d seen him.
IT WAS HER. IT WAS definitely her. The hood she wore covered her hair, but I’d know those eyes anywhere. She looked right through me, and it was like a shock to my senses. In that moment, every drug in my system went away and I became totally clear and sober. It wasn’t a great feeling, yet I felt like I could breathe again all at the same time.
I’d known for a while that Constance was a part of Red Room Sirens. I’d even listened to their shit a few times. I had to admit they sounded amazing. Finn told me they were a part of the tour, but I hadn’t quite prepared myself to see her again.
For four years, I’d hated myself for not going after her. For four years, I’d regretted my decision to stay put more than anything else in my life, but just like when she left me, I had my pills to take away the pain. They numbed me like they had since my accident. Every time I felt like I couldn’t stop thinking about her, I’d take one or five and sleep my stupid away.
Not much had changed in the addiction department. Not much but the fact that I took way more than I used to. Back in the day, it was a few pills occasionally. Four years later and I was high more than I was sober. I spent most of my days trying to remember the night before. It was my way of coping.
I missed her. We weren’t together long, but in that short time, she’d given me more than anyone else in my life. She gave me confidence; she gave me love. She built me up and turned me into a person I could feel good about. The only problem was she took that man with her when she walked out of my life, and I wasn’t sure I’d ever find him again.
I found comfort in a few women over the years, especially now that I’d gotten over my issues with my scars, thanks to Constance, but none of them ever touched me the way she had. Her touch was more than physical—her touch reached inside me and soothed my soul. It was an emotion that molded me somehow. She was magical that way.
As soon as she spotted me, she turned and walked away. Go figure. It wasn’t like I expected her to do happy cartwheels when she saw me. I expected her hatred. I fed off it. But that didn’t mean it didn’t hurt like a bitch.
My insides screamed for me to go after her like they had all those years ago. It took everything I had to stay glued to my spot beside the bus. Especially since I’d longed to see her face for so long, but a lot had happened in four years, and I was positive she hated me more than I hated myself.
“I hate this fucking rain,” Zeke said as he stepped off the bus behind me. He shook out his jacket and squinted at the gray sky. “This weather is shit.”
He and Finn hated touring, while Chet and I loved it. Of course, Zeke and Finn had families to run home to, while Chet and I had a few loose women and a condo that was too big for the two of us.
“Welcome to Seattle,” I mumbled. “Where’s Finn and Chet?” I asked.
“Chet’s blowing up the toilet, and Finn’s on the phone with Faith. I’m going to take a piss and then we need to go grab some breakfast,” Zeke said as he walked around the side of the bus.
An hour later, we were at the restaurant stuffing ourselves with eggs and anything else on the menu. After the restaurant, I hit the closest gym to take out some of my frustrations, while the rest of the boys went back to the bus.
I worked out hard. Pushing myself beyond any limits I might have had. By the time I got back, my shirt was drenched and my scars ached. I downed a handful of whatever pill I had on me to knock out the pain.
“Does my right nut look bigger than my left?” Chet asked as soon as I stepped on the bus.
He was standing there with his pants around his knees, holding his balls out for me to see.
“Seriously, dude. Put that shit away before I go blind,” I responded.
Zeke and Finn laughed. I’d known the boys for most of my life, and as bad as it sounded, I’d seen parts of them that I wish I could forget about. Chet was famous for walking around naked just because, and no matter how many times we told him it was disgusting, he let his junk hang out. Shame wasn’t something Chet understood well.
“For real, man. No one wants to see your junk,” Finn said from behind me as I walked to my bunk to grab a change of clothes.
“Lots of people want to see my junk,” Chet said as he pulled his pants back up. “They just don’t know it yet.” He threw himself into a chair and sighed. “I’m so fucking bored I can’t think straight. When are we up for sound check?” he asked.
“Red Room Sirens are up right now. They sound pretty badass,” Zeke responded. “Hey, Tiny, our girl Constance plays lead guitar in that group. Did you know that?” he asked.
I ignored his question and went into the bathroom. The boys knew a little about what went down with Constance and me, but I never gave details. They didn’t need to know I’d chosen drugs over the person I was sure I could spend forever with. I was embarrassed as it was without them fucking with me about it.
I peeled my shirt off and looked at myself in the mirror. Running my palm over the tattoo on my chest, I sighed and shook my head. The anchor on my chest held so much meaning to me.
I’d gotten it on a drunken night right after Constance left. I could still remember the way I felt when she went away. I felt like I was going to float away and disappear without her there holding me to the earth. She was my anchor. With her gone, I was never settled, never stopped moving.
As soon as I was changed, I left the bus and went to the venue for a listen. I went through the front, shook hands with a few of the workers, and settled into a seat that was close enough to see Constance but far enough away that she couldn’t see me.
She was different. She even played different. Her hair was still long and blond, but the pink was gone. She was taller than the rest of the girls, and she dominated the stage. It was obvious she was more comfortable there than they were. I was proud to see that. I could remember the look on her face the first time she’d played a full house—the fear and panic in her eyes. She’d definitely come a long way.
I sat and listened as they did their sound check and played a few of their songs. The lead singer had strong vocals and something about the way the drummer carried herself reminded me of Chet. But it was Constance that kept my attention. The way she swayed with the melody, the way she closed her eyes and felt her music. It was sexy and seductive. She seduced the audience.
Seeing her reminded me of our times together—reminded me of the laughter she brought to my life. I hadn’t had much of that growing up. It was a nice change. I used to long for her smile, and when she smiled at me, it was the ultimate reward.
