The Unhappy Medium, page 41
‘Frankly, I’d say I was foolish coming here at all,’ said Newton. ‘And who the bloody hell are you?’
‘My name is Raymond Van Loop. I am a direct descendent of Ceferino de Lupero, my illustrious ancestor who loyally served the great Inquisitor back in the day.’ Van Loop gestured to his men to take the hostages down the staircase and Newton, desperate to be reunited with his loved ones, instinctively moved towards them until a goon slammed the butt of his weapon viciously into the back of his knees; he buckled, wincing, to the floor.
‘Newton!’ yelled Viv.
‘I’m OK love, it’s OK,’ said Newton, struggling back to his feet.
‘Very touching,’ said Van Loop. ‘Now ... as I was saying, my family was entrusted by the great Cardinal to maintain his relics on earth, to wait until such time as we could safely re-activate them. There were five relics – each a finger from the hand of the great one himself. My forebears, with great care I might say, hid them all around Europe. So there were five chances to bring back our beloved Inquisitor. Five. In time, of course, there were problems. Some were lost to us, scattered by wars, misfortune and fate. But we retrieved those we could and for centuries, we waited.’
‘What took him so long to come back? And why now?’ asked Newton.
‘The key, Dr Barlow, was the book.’
‘What book?’
‘The necromancer’s handbook, of course.’
‘Really? Is there such a thing?’
‘Yes doctor, there is. We thought it had been utterly lost. It contained all that our Cardinal, praise be his glorious name, needed to produce this incredible machine that you see before you today.’
‘But you lost it?’
‘Yes ... regrettably we did. When the Cardinal was murdered by those primitive subhumans in Sierra de Luna, betrayed by the Church he hoped to serve and then totally dominate, well, the book vanished. One of our men, a gutless coward, had ridden away with it upon his person. My forebear searched for it for the rest of his life, but to no avail. It was gone. Without it, we were unable to retrieve La Senza’s spirit and bring him back to us.’
‘And then you found it?’
‘No, not us, our colleagues here, the McCauleys, they found it at an auction.’
‘I only paid two hundred pounds for it,’ said Ascot, smugly.
‘A snip!’ said Newton.
‘Oh it is not to be valued by its mere financial worth, Dr Barlow,’ said Van Loop. ‘The book is a key, a cipher. It enables one to talk with the dead, almost as if it were a telephone.’
‘So Ascot,’ said Newton. ‘You made contact with the old bastard, did you?’
Newton was smashed down again and he winced hard as the pain shot through him.
‘Show respect!’ said Gunter from behind him, his gun held high for a second impact.
‘To answer your question, Barlow,’ said Ascot. ‘Yes – we had a lovely little chat.’
‘It must have been nice to hear a voice that wasn’t in your head for a change,’ said Newton.
‘It was most informative. The Cardinal made us an offer, told us all about how the afterlife worked. Then, to get things moving, he helped us to link up with Mr Van Loop here.’
‘And you all lived happily ever after?’
‘Well we shall see about that,’ said Van Loop. ‘It is the Cardinal who will ultimately decide what will happen. It is to him that we look. Glory be his name.’
‘So when do I get to meet this infamous Inquisitor?’ asked Newton. ‘I’d love to know what all the fuss is about.’
‘Well, you’re in luck then, Dr Barlow,’ said Van Loop, as a door opened upstairs. ‘For now ... he comes!’ Right on cue, there was a swish of cheap fabric at the top of the great staircase. La Senza and Sister Wendy were strutting down like pantomime royalty. Epsom and Plumpton followed wearily, with trays piled high with snacks and drinks.
Despite the fact that he’d inherited a toned young body, La Senza’s newfound passion for junk food was already beginning to tell; he was starting to display a paunch beneath his cheap party robes. The scene was made all the more tawdry by the po-faced respect the gathered acolytes around La Senza were displaying, bowing and scraping in a ripple as he passed. Van Loop senior caught Newton grinning; shaking his head, he nodded to his son and Newton once again winced at a blow from a gun butt.
‘Oi stop that!’ said Newton. ‘You might break something.’
‘Hail great La Senza!’ said Van Loop. ‘Cardinal, we have him, the agent of the council! The one who has dogged us all the way from Spain.’ La Senza reached the bottom step and turned his gaze upon Newton.
‘Kneel before the Cardinal!’ said Gunter and he thrust Newton back down onto his knees.
‘Ah ... how nice,’ hissed the Inquisitor. ‘Welcome Purgatorial scum, what is your name?’
‘My name is Dr Newton Barlow.’
‘A physician?’ asked La Senza. ‘Do you know anything about teeth?’
‘No ... I’m a doctor of physics. If you want to get your teeth done, go to a dentist.’
‘Physics? I have heard of that. Is that not the guild who can make fireworks that destroy whole cities?’ La Senza’s eyes widened at the idea. ‘I have seen this on the tele-vision device upstairs. Make one for me!’
‘A nuke or a tele-vision?’ asked Newton.
‘The big explosion thing,’ said La Senza. ‘I’ve already got a tele-vision.’
‘Not a chance,’ said Newton without hesitation. ‘Even if I was willing, which of course, being of sane mind, I’m not, I wouldn’t know where to start. I’m purely theoretical.’
‘You look and sound a bit like a wizard to me,’ said La Senza walking closer. He gazed into Newton’s eyes. ‘So, I understand you work for my mortal enemies up there in that other place.’
‘Yes, I do,’ said Newton. ‘However, I’m here in a private capacity. I’d like you to let my daughter and my girlfriend go.’ La Senza turned and looked to the two women. They stood nervous and small amongst Van Loop’s gunmen. The frail old curator looked even smaller.
‘Oh ... I see. It’s a love thing, is it?’
‘I would say so, yes. They’ve got nothing to do with this. Let them go.’
‘Ah, but they were somewhat interested in the fifth box, were they not?’
‘Come on. They didn’t know what it was – I was the one looking for it.’
‘Ah but that’s just it, now they know all about me. And whilst I love the attention Dr Newton Barlow, I’m afraid a line has been crossed. The damage has been done.’
‘Keep me and let them go.’
‘Haha, very noble and selfless, but no, you’re all staying. The more the merrier!’ said La Senza, walking over to his machine and running his hands across its vile carvings as if it were a racehorse. ‘You see, now that my beautiful machine is here, ready to be tested, well ... I will be needing subjects. Guinea pigs, if you will. Small piggies first of course.’
‘You bloody wouldn’t!’ said Newton.
‘Oh yes of course I would,’ said La Senza. ‘I am evil, you see. Everybody says so.’
‘So I gather. Is that so important to you – the bad-boy image? I mean, you could just be ... nice .’
‘Nice? NICE?!’ La Senza looked at Newton again as if he were forty miles beyond mad. ‘Is that what you and your friends in Purgatory would prefer? For me to be ... nice?’
‘Yeah, why not? Give it a try, you might like it.’
‘I very much doubt I would,’ continued the Cardinal, strutting away with his hands on his hips. ‘I’d much rather be evil. Nice is for cowards, the scared and the weak. I am none of these things.’
‘What are you then?’ La Senza whirled back in response and leant forward at Newton, his tacky red silk glove ending in an aggressive pointing finger topped with an ostentatious ring.
‘I am strong. I am very strong. I am charismatic, I am a leader. I have no pity, no remorse, no empathy. I am evil!’
‘Oh very diabolic,’ said Newton. ‘Have you had too much coffee?’
‘Ha! How do you think anything happens in this lousy, pathetic world? Do good things really come to those who wait? Eh? Of course not. They come to those who take.’ He made an ostentatious grabbing motion with his gloved hand. ‘No, my friend, the only thing the meek will inherit is more weakness. It is only the strong who will thrive.’
‘And you don’t have a problem with what that attitude will mean for other people?’
‘Why would I? If you show pity, remorse or sympathy to the weak then they merely infect you with their weakness. Empathy, Dr Barlow, is a disease to which I am immune.’
‘Hold on hard case, didn’t you need other people to rescue you? Didn’t they spring you from your little hole in Purgatory? I’d say that makes you a tad needy yourself.’
‘No! I was betrayed!’ screamed La Senza. ‘Those weaklings in the Inquisition, they turned on me. They didn’t have the first clue about terror, repression and horror. They needed someone really nasty to show them how it was meant to be done. Well I did that ... me! I was the greatest Inquisitor of them all. More sadistic than Torquemada, nastier and more petty than Mendoza!’
‘So what went wrong?’ said Newton. La Senza was strutting feverishly about, his cheap robes building up a crackling static.
‘They got scared ... they allowed base fear and pity to infect the purity of what could have been a really fun Inquisition. They wanted to limit things to the Jews and the Muslims ... not me, I wanted to root out the Christians as well!’
‘But you are a Christian. I know it’s easy to overlook, but you are actually dressed as a Roman Catholic Cardinal.’
‘Hahaha ... you mistake me for a believer! Oh how naive. You don’t think I believe in God do you?’ La Senza cackled out another wearisome villain’s laugh; Van Loop and his toady supporters joined in until the Cardinal’s gloved hand bade them stop. ‘Even if this ... God person ... should exist, well, then I would merely consider him competition. A nuisance .’
‘Delusions of grandeur aside,’ said Newton, ‘what’s it all about though, this private Inquisition of yours – seriously, what’s the point?’
‘Point? Do I need a point? No! But if I must indulge your foolish curiosity ... I shall sum it up thus: fun!’
‘Fun ... fun ? That’s it?’
‘Certainly. You have fun don’t you?’
‘Yes, sure, but usually it involves a good movie and a bottle of Chilean Merlot, not torture, death and revenge.’
‘Takes all sorts, I suppose,’ La Senza mused almost thoughtfully. ‘Well for me, fun is seeing people burning to death, begging for their lives in the torment of horror ... oh and reality tele-vision.’
‘Wow, you really are a sick puppy!’
‘I like to think so. Anyway, you Purgatorial idiot,’ continued the Inquisitor. ‘Who are you to decide what is sick and what is healthy? Why can’t I have what I want? I am merely following my heart’s desire like everyone else. In this case, it just so happens that my heart is as black and cold as frozen coal. I’m just being honest. Besides, your friends up there in that ludicrous council ... how dreadfully boring you all are. Is that what you’d prefer?’
‘Do I look bored to you?’
‘Oh don’t worry, Dr Barlow, I’ll soon make sure you aren’t bored at all!’ La Senza laughed and walked back to his machine. ‘Do you have any idea what this machine can actually do?’
‘I’ve read the reports.’
‘Reports ? Oh I’m quite sure they don’t do it nearly enough justice. This machine is a triumph, a work of twisted genius. Here, let me give you a guided tour,’ said La Senza. ‘Let’s start at this end.’
‘The head?’
‘Yes, excellent, let’s call it the head. You will see that it is fashioned into the very mouth of hell. Nice touch I’m sure you’ll agree. Now then, the conveyor here with its hooks and barbs drags the subject along towards the jaws. Once the poor darlings are caught on the hooks there can be no escape and struggling will only make them become fastened more firmly. Clever, eh? That was my idea.’
‘It’s very important to express your creative side.’
‘It’s a gift frankly,’ said La Senza smugly, too vain to realise he was being mocked. ‘Now, once within range of the teeth, the trap is closed, and at that point the real fun can start. I can’t pretend to know everything about the design – I’m not very technical myself, I’m more of a hands-on-throat kind of guy, but I can tell you that once you enter this second area then you will receive your first injuries,’ he added, proudly. ‘There are batteries of knives and crushers. They’re calibrated to revolve at just enough speed to really hurt you, but – and this is the clever bit – they won’t actually kill you! After all, if you’re going to go to the trouble of mechanising death and destruction, then why do it quickly?’
‘So death comes later?’
‘Oh yes, a lot later – there are acids and fires and all sorts of slicey fun still to come. But anyway, you’ll see all that for yourself. I don’t want to spoil the ending.’
‘Did you think all that up on your own?’
‘No ... I have to confess that I had some help. The concept was mine, though. You know, the whole preparation process.’
‘Preparations for what, dare I ask?’
‘For the death of the soul, of course,’ said La Senza. ‘If it was just about torture and death, Dr Barlow, then this would be a very, very expensive way to do it. No, the whole point of this little machine of mine is that it destroys both the soul and the flesh in one single, terrible process. I’ll be giving you a demonstration shortly.’
‘What’s it like on a delicate wash?’ asked Newton. ‘Only I’ve got a pure wool jumper on.’
‘Amusing ... however, the point is that once you enter the mouth of hell, then there is nothing, but nothing, that can emerge from the other end apart from dust. No soul to join your loved ones in heaven or hell – just dead, dead dust.’
‘Nice!’ said Newton. ‘Have you thought about going on Scrapheap Challenge ?’
‘Haha ... I like it! I wager you have more spine than all these ghastly sycophants crowded around me combined.’ He gestured to Van Loop and the McCauleys, all of whom looked somewhat insulted but were too scared to say so. ‘It will be a shame to have to wipe you from the record, you entertain me. However, let’s be realistic, if I let you live then you’ll just mess up my little plan. Work must always come first.’
‘Yes, I was going to ask you about the plan. Every super-villain has a monstrous scheme, don’t they? Since I’m going to be killed soon anyway, you may as well tell me yours.’
‘Yes ... yes, I see that, I may as well, I can’t see how it can do any harm. Actually, it’ll give me pleasure to describe it to fresh ears. It’s such a good plan, you’ll simply love it.’
‘Try me.’
‘Well, as you will probably know, those pious little souls in Purgatory are kept in their vivid state by the very relics that you and your chums go to so much trouble to keep safe and sound,’ he said, looking closely at Newton to discern whether he already knew that. It was clear that they both understood the process only too well. ‘That’s right, Dr Barlow, I know all about them. The little relics that are hidden here, hidden there – well, I’m going to round them all up. Every shin bone, every trinket, every painting, every single object and their attendant spiritual connections. And, when I have them all, well, then they will enter the device.’
‘OK, so what? You can get a few, maybe, but they’ll stop you. These things are very, very well hidden. One nutcase with his little toy can’t stop the good guys in Purgatory.’
‘One?’ said La Senza. ‘You don’t think I’ll be happy with just one of these, do you? Even now, I have technicians upstairs drawing up plans for thousands of these things. Modern technology combined with the knowledge of the ancients – we’ll have an army of machines, hoovering up the souls of the good and gracious until there is no one left to stop me. Not a one!’
‘OK, so you wipe out all the nice folk – then what.’
‘I was just getting to that,’ said La Senza petulantly. ‘Many of the most truly evil people – and I proudly count myself amongst them – are still trapped up there. Oh what a dreadful waste! All the twisted, the cruel and the heartless, waiting, just as I waited. Well, with the forces of good obliterated, I will liberate them. I’ll make these dark souls the leaders of nations and armies. Every economist, mover and shaker will be one of my own kind. Imagine it – Saddam, Beriya, Himmler, Heinrich, Ivan the Terrible ... a veritable Who’s Who of evil, running everything there is to be run. All the rapists, the murderers and the psychotics, directing traffic, running hospitals and organising prime-time programming schedules.’
‘Are you sure they aren’t already?’ asked Newton.
La Senza paused and narrowed his eyes. ‘Maybe ... I’m not sure, I’ll have to check,’ he said, making a note to self. ‘But I’m sure you can see the potential, Dr Barlow – a world run by the evil for the evil. There will be nothing to prevent me bringing my unique style of Inquisition to the earth once again. Oh what fun we’ll have! We’ll burn and we’ll brand, we’ll starve and we’ll hang – there will be no end to the suffering!’
‘Impressive,’ said Newton.
‘Yes, well I did have a lot of time to think it through.’
‘Too much,’ said Newton glibly. ‘Tell me this, Cardinal, I’m curious – what would your father have made of all this?’
‘My father? What has he got to do with this?’
‘Well, as I understand it, he wasn’t that keen on you. I’m told you came a poor third to your two brothers. He dumped you on the Church while they got to see the world. Must have really stung.’
‘What?! Such impudence! Why, I could kill you now.’
‘You could, but wouldn’t that only make you look a bit ... over-sensitive ?’
‘Over-sensitive? What do you mean? I don’t ever have such feelings!’
‘Oh come on, yes you do. I only had to mention your family and you started to go red in the face. Look, you’re the same colour as your dressing gown.’
