The Unhappy Medium, page 18
‘Downloading?’ asked Newton, taken aback by the sudden technology reference. ‘What do you mean?’
‘Well, you’d know it better as “having your life flash by in front of your eyes”. You know the old cliché, when drowning people get flashbacks, all that malarkey. Well there I was, stone dead, and off it went, everything I’d ever done – good, bad, ugly, but mostly just plain boring, it came flooding back. School, university, girlfriends; a very odd experience. Most vivid I must say, especially the girlfriends! It seemed to take a long time, but it was only a matter of seconds, of course. It’s all quite normal, you know. Your physical state conks out and you need to sort of upload or download, depends on your point of view, but essentially you have to be kind of emailed up to the other place – bit like an FTP. Peculiar analogy I know, but it really is just like that.’
‘But upload to what?’ asked Newton, looking baffled.
‘I dunno, the other place. You travel from one world to another, like another dimension. Funny, the so-called real world seems real enough when you’re in it, but trust me, once you leave it, you can see just how tenuous it really is. I mean physical things only “feel” solid. It’s the same up there. Soon as you arrive you think, gosh, I’m not sure I really thought things through. Makes my career seem a bit pointless in some ways. But, hey, I digress – we can discuss the physics later.’
‘I bloody hope so,’ said Newton. ‘But go on.’
‘Well,’ continued the late Dr Sixsmith, ‘I’m lying there and I start to feel lighter, you know, the more my, well let’s call it soul, downloaded to the other side. I seemed to weigh less and less until after a few minutes, I felt myself lifting off the bed. Uh oh, I thought, another bloody cliché, I’m going to have an “out-of-body experience”! But that’s exactly what happened! I rose up from the bed, slowly, like a magician’s assistant and then, cautiously, I tried opening my eyes and found myself looking into a strange white light. It was so intense, but with vague spots and dots. Anyway, it took me a while to work out what it was, you know. Bright light, dead wasps – it was the ceiling light. I was a tad disappointed by that so I turned over, rotating very smoothly, until hey presto, there I was, looking down at my own dead body. They were all gathered about me; the doctors, a couple of rather tasty young nurses and my sister. By now they’d pulled the curtains around and it all looked a tad sombre.’
‘Yes, OK ... but how did you actually feel?’ asked Newton.
‘Well absolutely fascinated, of course,’ Sixsmith continued. ‘I mean it’s not every day you do something like that. I was just bobbing around up there like a balloon, taking it all in. But I thought, well I can’t just arse about up here wasting time, let’s do some science – let’s test what I can and can’t do. So I thought I’d have a go at flying about a bit.’
‘You could fly?’
‘Yes – you only have to think about it and off you go like the bloody snowman. Weeeeeeee!’ Alex extended his arms like an aeroplane. ‘Well, I found the walls a bit of a problem straight off. They were hard one minute and then offering no resistance the next. Interestingly, I discovered that hitting a National Health Service corridor wall at 30 miles per hour could still hurt – I made a right bloody noise but nobody, not a soul, reacted to it. That was interesting. It seems that passing through solid matter takes a while to set in. So I tried to be more cautious and despite ending up in a linen cupboard and a drinks machine, by trial and error, I was eventually able to master flying well enough to dodge people in the corridors. It was about then that I spotted you coming in through reception. Typically late hahaha!’
‘I wasn’t that late,’ said Newton defensively.
‘Just joking, old boy. Of course I didn’t mind. But picture me there! In you stroll, all serious, and I think, wayhey! Here’s a chance to have a bit of fun. So ... I whizz down and land right in front of you like Superman, hands on my hips. Well OK, you paused, I managed to make you do that at least, but then you just ambled right through me without batting a bloody eyelid. Well thank you! I wasn’t going to accept that lying down, so I shot back past you and had another go. Same thing again. Typical, I thought – never could get your attention!’
‘I didn’t notice anything,’ said Newton, looking vaguely hurt. ‘I mean I thought you were still alive at this time, remember!’
‘Only teasing, Newton old boy. You weren’t to know,’ said Sixsmith reassuringly. ‘Anyway, at that moment you bumped into my sister. So I watched that, your big emotional reaction, quite moving really.’ Newton blushed. ‘Don’t worry Newton my lad, I was rather touched. But it was very frustrating because I really, really, wanted to say or do something, and of course, I couldn’t. So I just bobbed about wondering what to do next.’
‘So what did you do?’
‘Well, I thought, I can’t stay here. Watching other people grieving over you – that’s like the vainest thing ever. It’s the sort of thing an actor would do. It’s why they discourage the dead from going to their own funerals. It either makes people have a completely overblown view of their importance or they come back muttering under their breath about what a bunch of shits their family and friends are. That wasn’t for me, so I thought, let’s go walkies. So I tested the front doors to see if I could go through them, which by this time I could, easily. Then I went whizzing off.’
‘Where did you go?’ asked Newton.
‘Well exactly, where do you go? Take a train, follow the roads? I was strangely worried about getting lost. Haha! I needn’t have worried – I only had to think of somewhere and I’d start hurtling off at a real lick in that direction. The speeds Newton, you wouldn’t believe! I was really barrelling along! Especially odd because at that stage I hadn’t worked out that it’s best to go over houses rather than through them. Luckily, by now the whole “going through things” business had settled down, so when I hurtled through a retirement home at 500 plus miles per hour, I wasn’t breaking the china. It was bloody peculiar, but at least it wasn’t dangerous. After a while I’d really got into the swing of things and I could either jump directly to a given spot, or I could go somewhere at a kind of cruise speed. At one stage I saw this jet, a fast military job. This guy was way, way off from me and clearly going flat out. But I caught up with him effortlessly, what a bloody ride! I found I could just stand on the wing as we roared through the clouds – amazing, incredible, just plain bonkers!’
‘Hold on, that’s not possible, what about wind resistance?’ asked Newton, struggling to make sense of the physics.
‘Wind? Hardly anything. If I had any hair left it might have been blowing about maybe, but no, no air pressure, nothing!’
‘Like you say,’ said Newton looking doubtful, ‘bonkers.’
‘Anyhow,’ continued Sixsmith uninhibited by Newton’s incredulity, ‘the pilot must have noticed something because he kept casting a glance back every so often and shaking his head.’
‘You think he could see you?’
‘No,’ said Sixsmith, ‘but I think he could sense me, somehow. At any rate I started to feel I was intruding on his working day, so I just sort of jumped off the wing and watched him whizz off. And that’s when I saw the other bloke.’
‘I’m sorry?’
‘Yeah, another guy was there in the clouds,’ said Sixsmith. ‘He’d been watching me and was having a right old laugh at my expense. I was going to say something, but before I could, he waved nonchalantly and shot off like a firework and I lost sight of him in the clouds. And then, gradually, I started to see a lot of other people; first one, distantly whizzing along close to the ground, another at high altitude. It’s like when you look for minnows in a mill pond – suddenly they seemed to be everywhere! No matter where I looked, I could see them zipping about like swallows. So I thought, let’s try some formation flying. But no. Just as soon as I was getting anywhere near them, either I’d slow down or they’d shoot ahead. Pretty frustrating! So I thought, and not for the first time, sod other people! The question was, could I go farther than I already had?’
‘Farther?’
‘Yes, you know, space. Boldly go and all that.’
‘You went into space ?’ said Newton, gobsmacked .
‘You bet yer sweet scientific arse I went into space,’ said Sixsmith, beaming like a child just down off a roller coaster. ‘I just pointed myself up, and wham, off like a sodding rocket. Amazing, simply amazing! I went right through the atmosphere like it wasn’t there, and then, there I was dodging space junk. The speeds were incredible, breathtaking! My scientist’s mind, as you can probably imagine, was racing. I mean Newton, all the big questions I could finally answer, a one-man space probe! So I started heading into deeper space – where no man had gone before, well at least not a living one.’
‘And?’
‘Newton, what can I say? Incredible. The planets close up are even better than you’d think, such colours. Such extremes ... the geology alone is to die for – literally!’
‘So tell me!’ urged Newton, sensing he was on the edge of something big.
‘Ah, now there’s the rub Newton,’ Sixsmith backtracked. ‘You’re going to have to get used to this I’m afraid.’
‘Get used to what?’
‘Well the thing is, all the things I saw, the amazing, incredible science, the spectacular discoveries ...’
‘Yes?’
‘Well the thing is ...’ He paused knowing how badly it would rest with Newton. ‘The thing is ... I can’t tell you.’
‘Whaaaatt?’ blurted Newton, frustrated beyond measure.
‘I’m not allowed to. Not a sausage, sorry. It’s the way of things old boy. Sorry but there it is. Makes perfect sense I’m afraid. Think of it like an advanced alien civilisation visiting the earth. Would it be right to pass on things that were just too sophisticated? Very dangerous.’
‘But I’m a scientist – I need to know! You can trust me.’
‘I can’t actually, it’s too risky. We’ve just got to let humanity bumble along alone. Let the living find things out at their own natural speed. Things I saw on Europa and Titan, for instance, I couldn’t risk that getting out ahead of time, would really bugger things up.’
‘Whooah! Back up there professor. What did you see on Europa?’
‘There you go,’ said Alex slapping his forehead. ‘I’ve got to be more careful! Nough said!’
‘Alex!’ begged Newton.
‘Really Newton, there are strict protocols we have to adhere to. We can’t risk another alchemy.’
‘Alchemy?’
‘Sure, the alchemists were that close to working out the connection between crocodiles and gold – all it takes is a casual word in the wrong ear and wham, meltdown. Luckily they were mostly charlatans, but it does go to show what can happen if things start leaking out.’
‘Crocodiles? Gold? OK, I’ll let that little nugget go for now,’ said Newton reluctantly. ‘Go on with the story ... you were in space.’
‘Ah, yes. Well, I was whizzing around, taking in all the sights when I thought, hold on! Just how far can I go? So I put my foot down on the pedal and headed off to a nearby star, Vega I think it was. A bluish-white one. Well, I must have got half way there when I suddenly started decelerating. Eventually I just stopped, right out there in deep space. Talk about a feeling of isolation – it was the emptiest, most unexciting place I’d ever been to outside the West Midlands. Then, subtly at first, I found myself turning back. An odd feeling, just like someone else was driving. I went barrelling back past Neptune, Saturn, Jupiter and then finally, the earth again. Gutted! Well, there I am back in the clouds. There’s these folk again, whizzing around in a flock like starlings. Soon I’m part of this flock. We’re all kind of in a big whirlpool. In fact, if anything it resembled a planetary system forming around a new star.’
‘How so?’ asked Newton.
‘Well, all these people were drifting in towards this single point, like gas and dust in a newborn solar system. Men, women, children; all races and creeds just zooming around in this bloody great spiral. There we were, all twisting into the centre when suddenly ... bang! The centre exploded in a monumental burst of white light. Pow! You could hardly look at it directly. It was just so bright. It just bleached out everything. And then, before I could even think about it, I was sucked straight in.’
‘What happened next?’
‘I found myself standing in this gigantic empty room.’
‘A room ?’
‘Yes, a room, a huge room, like an enormous aircraft hangar. I stood there alone for a second but gradually other people appeared alongside me. Eventually we formed into a huge long line, basically a queue. Well an infinite number of queues in fact.’
‘You were queuing? ’
‘Well yes, and that was when all the fun stopped,’ said Alex, looking forlorn at the memory. ‘One minute I’m charging magnificently around the universe, and the next moment I’m queuing to go through airport security.’
‘Really?’ asked Newton, more confused and incredulous than ever.
‘Yup, that’s the only word for it. Long bloody queue, absolutely crawling along. I was there for days! Interminable. Anyway, just as I was about to go la-la, I rolled up to this gloss-white booth with a guy in it. And he was a right case this chap, all gold hair and white flying robes, looking all important with his rubber stamp and his iPad. Well I say iPad, a tablet, it kind of worked the same way – snow-white things, marble effect. He was tapping away. Asking questions.’
‘What? Have you been good or evil, that kind of stuff? I’m guessing these are ... er ... angels?’ asked Newton, not quite believing what he was saying out loud.
‘Nooooo, that would be too funny. No, they’re mostly ancient Greeks, hence the classical robes. Sandal-mad, most of them. They’ve been working there a long time. First come first served, and all that.’
‘Working? They have jobs ?’
‘Sure. Not for money though I must add – it’s all about boredom, it’s really, really boring up there. If they weren’t all dead already, they’d probably kill themselves.’
‘Heaven is boring?’ asked Newton, oddly disappointed by something he didn’t believe in.
‘You’d better believe it, though this is Purgatory Newton, not heaven. Big distinction. Anyway, this classical guy asks me about how I died. Where was I from? Languages I could speak? Office skills, that kind of thing. A huge great list of questions, and then eventually, up comes the barrier and you go in for your strip search.’
‘Er ... hello ...’
‘I’m not kidding, they have to make sure you’ve not sneaked anything naughty in,’ said Sixsmith.
‘Like what?’
‘Mobile phones, laptops, camcorders, digital cameras.’
‘You can sneak in electronics?!’ Newton was shaking his head.
‘Well sort of, I mean if you’re really wedded to something like that, which of course we all are now, you can bring the damn things with you as phantoms. It’s a real headache, actually, because there’s a risk that sooner or later some buffoon is going to start broadcasting stuff from up there that we shouldn’t see down here. They go to huge efforts to make sure you don’t have any recording equipment or online facilities.’
‘But you emailed me. How did you do that?’
‘We’re not luddites, we have a few terminals where we can tap into mortal communications. Which is very useful, frankly, because of ... well I’ll come to that.’
‘So you weren’t judged on your life and all that?’
‘Nah, that’s a myth, all that stuff. The guilt and retribution is all self-administered when you have your life played back during the download. That’s enough to sort some people out for good, though the really bad eggs are another issue. No, you just go into this series of seminars and they teach you how everything works. To be honest, I found it a bit tedious.’
‘Why is it so dull?’
‘Well, the presentations are awful for a start, and it’s mind-numbingly bureaucratic.’
‘It is?’
‘Hell yes. Sorry, bad choice of words! But yes it’s bureaucratic, it’s all rules and regulations and the colour, white ... everything is bloody white! Half of the new arrivals get snow blindness. And there’s so much paperwork. You’re forever filling out forms about this that or the other, endless. I can see why they have to do it – peace is never exciting and thrills mean danger – but all the same, it drives you so nuts you start wandering round desperate to entertain yourself. So with eternity to kill, what do you do? My first thought was to hunt down some of the really famous historic people I’d always wanted to meet – say hi. Well that turned out a bit odd, I can tell you.’
‘Why?’
‘Well I thought, who shall I see first, and my mind went blank, such a big choice. But after a while I thought, I know, Nelson! I’ll find Lord Nelson!’
‘You met Lord Nelson?!’
‘Sure,’ said Alex smugly. ‘So, here’s this hugely well-known historical figure sitting on a bench, a white bench of course, looking as bored as it’s possible for a man to look. I sidled up to him and I said “hello, you’re Lord Nelson”. “Yes,” he says without looking up, “so I bloody well am.” He looked really annoyed, and I can see why now. I came out with such an inane series of questions, every one of them a cliché of gargantuan proportions. How did it feel to win the battle of the Nile? What do you think of Nelson’s column? All that kind of crap. He was actually quite nice about it, considering, and once he’d stopped swearing at me in this rich Regency maritime vernacular, he put me straight about a few things.’
‘Such as?’
‘Well you simply can’t ask someone like that a question they haven’t heard a million times before, so it can get bloody annoying for them. It’s even worse for the ancients. Poor old Caesar, Agamemnon and that bunch – those guys have been driven half mad by the new arrivals for millennia.’
