Back Talk, page 10
essary that every lesbian sexual liaison must turn into a three-year relationship that will be dysfunctional from its very inception? I don’t think I’m in the mood to be in love.” Hilton absentmindedly grabbed a Cheeto and stuck it in her mouth.
“Ah-ha! You ate one,” Jessie said, pointing an accusing finger at her.
“They’re not bad actually.”
“You know why you don’t want to fall for Emily?” Jessie said.
“No, I don’t.” She had replayed the evenings of their amorous liaison and had nice thoughts about it. Emily was sweet and sexy but that was about it. She wasn’t horribly interesting or driven or funny. For the first time in her life, Hilton was looking for something with a future and it wasn’t Emily.
“Hilton, should you be taking advice from the most relationship-challenged lesbian on the planet?” Liz piped in.
“Probably not. I should just settle down with you.” Hilton took Liz’s hand. “But I hear you’ve been dating someone.”
“Maybe,” Liz said coyly.
Jessie cleared her throat. “As I was saying, you’re not interested in Emily because you’ve got a thing for your boss.”
“Really?” Liz asked Hilton.
“Consider the source,” Hilton said. She didn’t meet Liz’s gaze.
“Where have you been spending all your time?”
“Doing work-related activities,” Hilton said. She grabbed another Cheeto and tried to appear nonchalant. “I think these things are addictive.” Shannon looked at her pleadingly. She gave her another. They would both die of toxic chemicals.
Jessie continued, “And after work, part of a weekend and those shopping trips …”
“You’re high. She’s my boss, for starters.”
“Like that ever stopped anyone.”
“And she’s straight.”
“And her husband left her for another man. That should tell you something,” Jessie countered.
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“Like what?”
“Did he really leave her for a man?” Liz said, apparently shocked by this tidbit.
“Well, yeah,” Hilton admitted.
“You know what that tells me?” Jessie said.
“Oh, do share.” Hilton grabbed the afghan from the back of the couch and covered up with it. She was suddenly cold and kind of sleepy. The wine from lunch must have been wearing off or she was having a reaction to the Cheetos.
“It means that the house wasn’t the same as all the other houses on the block. A woman doesn’t marry a guy that turns gay. He was gay when she married him and they both knew it. Underneath all that playing it straight is a fag and dyke pretending to play house.
It was only a matter of time before one of them broke the deal, found someone to love and went to live happily ever after somewhere in Homoslavia.”
“You’re so full of shit.”
“Oh, my God, I’ve to go,” Liz said, popping up. “I’ve got a date with Melissa at seven-thirty.”
“Do I get to bear-sit?”
“No, Jessie, tonight we’re having dinner at her place with Amelia Bearhart.”
“Damn!”
“Another time.” Liz patted Jessie’s shoulder. “You are a good baby-sitter.” Liz rolled her eyes at Hilton, who smirked.
“Like when?” Jessie whined.
“I’ll see if you can take her to the park tomorrow. We have a lunch date.”
“I’ll pencil you in,” Jessie said. She took a swig of orange soda and picked up the remote.
“Better hit the wine cellar for something nice,” Hilton suggested.
“Can I?” Liz asked.
“Of course. Nothing like a good bottle of wine to enhance a 87
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dinner date.” Hilton pulled the afghan off. Now she was hot.
Maybe she was really having a reaction to all those toxic chemicals in the junk food.
“What should I get?” Liz said. She looked tentatively at Hilton.
“Come on, I’ll help you pick one out.”
Hilton and Liz tromped downstairs to the wine cellar. It was originally a root cellar, but Gran had the whole thing redone with state-of-the-art equipment. Gran may have been frugal about some things but a good wine cellar was a priority. Gran had carefully cataloged brands and types. Hilton kept it religiously stocked.
She disappeared into the dark corners of the cellar and came back with a dusty bottle of French wine. Liz blew off the label.
“This looks expensive.”
“And tonight is a special occasion,” Hilton said. She didn’t have the heart to tell Liz that everything in the wine cellar was horribly expensive. What did it matter when you were a pickle heiress?
“Thank you, Hilton.” Liz gave her a quick hug.
“So you really like this girl?” Hilton queried.
“I do. Melissa is different. I mean aside from the bear thing, she’s sensitive, intuitive and very smart. Plus she’s really cute.”
“The bear’s okay. We’ve all got our little idiosyncrasies. Besides, you’ve got a built-in baby-sitter.” Hilton looked at Liz. She was gorgeous. Tonight she was wearing a soft, light green sweater with a cream-colored blouse and brown slacks. She looked elegantly casual. Her long brown hair was hanging perfectly over her shoulders.
“I don’t get what’s up with Jessie and the bear, but it’s working.”
“It’s nice to see her focused on something other than her crotch.”
“You can that say again. I can do this, right?” Liz asked with trepidation in her voice.
“Of course you can.”
“Okay, well, here goes,” Liz said. She straightened her shoulders and they both climbed the stairs back to the world of light and bears.
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The next day, while Anne was doing her monologue about the bull penis, Jessie came racing into the control room at warp speed with Veronica nipping at her heels, telling her she wasn’t allowed in here.
Jessie was carrying Amelia Bearhart’s little leather aviator’s jacket. “I don’t think you understand the gravity of this emergency.
There’s been a kidnapping, or rather a bearnapping, and I need Hilton’s help,” she said, wildly waving the jacket around for emphasis.
Hilton, Dave and Lillian turned around to see Jessie flapping the tiny jacket around and arguing with Veronica. Jessie was dressed in her usual gym attire, a black Nike warm-up suit. Her short hair was wet around the temples like she’d been running.
When she saw Hilton, Jessie said, “You’ve got to totally help me. Someone took the bear. I need Shannon. She can, like, follow the scent. Thank God, I’ve still got the jacket.” She held it to her breast.
“Hilton, she can’t be in here,” Veronica said, putting her hands on her hips. “Come outside and we’ll discuss the situation. Dave, keep on eye on the Web site.”
“Yes, ma’am.”
Once they’d exited, Hilton shut the control room door. She figured Veronica would be on her way now that Jessie had been removed from sacred ground. Instead, she stood waiting for Jessie’s explanation. Hilton got the ball rolling. “Now tell me what happened.”
“I was bear-sitting and I took her to the park. She was sitting on the bench by the playground, you know, by those slides and swingsets. This loose dog came by and this really hot chick was chasing him. I went to help and when I got back the bear was gone.
What the hell am I going to do?” Jessie began waving the jacket around again. “Liz is going to kill me. I knew I shouldn’t have taken on so much responsibility. I’m incapable.”
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Jessie looked so distraught that even hard-hearted Veronica seemed suddenly compassionate.
“Melissa will break up with Liz because she doesn’t have the bear, and I will be solely responsible for destroying their one chance at happiness.”
Dave slipped out of the control room. “Dude, boss lady wants to know what’s going on.”
“Tell her my roommate Jessie lost her teddy bear and she wants Shannon to do a little detective work,” Hilton explained. Dave gave her an odd look and went back inside to relay the information.
Jessie was staring at Hilton intently.
Hilton let out a heavy sigh. “Jessie, Shannon isn’t a blood-hound. She doesn’t know how to track things.”
“Well, can’t she give it a try? All dogs have good sniffers.” Jessie held it out for Shannon, who gave it a perfunctory sniff and then went back to her fleece and brocade bed, a gift from Anne, and went back to sleep. It appeared the crisis was cutting into her nap time. “Hilton, you’ve got to help me,” Jessie pleaded.
“I’m going to. Now, what park were you at?”
“The one on Lincoln and Central.”
“What time?” Hilton asked. She noticed that Veronica had produced a small black notebook from the pocket of her blazer and was jotting this down.
“Twelve-thirty.”
“What was Amelia wearing?” Hilton asked.
“Nothing! I took off her jacket because she looked kind of warm. I figured with her fur and shit. Oh, fuck, she’s gone missing and she’s naked.”
“Jessie, calm down. We’ll find her.”
Jessie was clutching the jacket to her chest. “I’m in so much trouble.”
“I could make flyers and we could put them around the park,”
Veronica said.
Hilton and Jessie turned to look at her in disbelief.
“I’ll make a copy of her picture and we’ll leave contact num-90
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bers. She’s bound to show up. It’ll work,” Veronica said confidently. She gently touched Jessie’s shoulder. Jessie looked at her as if she was a guardian angel.
Dave had come out of the control room. He leaned over and whispered to Hilton, “Dude, I think you’ve been replaced.”
“I see that. It must have been really meaningful.”
“Chicks are like that. Rip your heart out and serve it like a shish kabob. It’s so wrong. By the way, Anne wants to know why a grownup has a teddy bear.”
Hilton smirked. “Tell her it’s a long story.”
“But I don’t have a picture of the bear,” Jessie said mournfully.
“Let me see the jacket,” Veronica commanded.
Jessie gingerly handed it over.
Veronica looked at the label of the jacket. “Just as I suspected.”
“What?” Jessie asked.
“It’s a Vermont Teddy Bear. Hilton, pull up their Web site and download a picture.”
“Yes, ma’am.” Hilton could see Anne pacing and listening or pretending to be listening to a caller and watching the clock for the end of the show. She clearly wanted out.
They went back into the control room and crowded around Hilton’s computer desk.
“You’re brilliant,” Jessie told Veronica. Hilton could see she was filled with admiration.
“God, this is making me sick,” Dave said.
“Exactly, pass the barf bag,” Hilton said. She pulled up the Web site and began searching for the bear.
“Dudes, if we know the Web site can’t you just order another bear?” he said.
“We can’t. The bear had identifying characteristics,” Jessie said, sitting on the corner of Hilton’s desk.
“Like what?” Dave asked.
Lillian was staring intently at Jessie, who smiled and waved at her. “Like this sterling silver locket thing she has hanging around her neck,” Jessie replied.
“Dude, the bear has jewelry,” Dave said incredulously.
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Lillian pulled off her headphones. “You look just like my second cousin’s dead nephew,” she said, pointing at Jessie.
“Great,” Jessie said, looking to Hilton for guidance. Hilton shrugged. “How’d he die?” she asked.
Hilton stifled a laugh as Dave gave Jessie the don’t-go-there look. Jessie, of course, didn’t get it.
“Well, you see, one year down on the river …” Lillian started.
“Lillian, the show’s almost over and you’ve got to clear the lines. Maybe you can tell us the story later,” Dave suggested.
“Right, but you are the spitting image of him, poor little fellah.” She put her headphones back on and got to work.
Hilton had located and printed off a picture of Amelia Bearhart.
“Okay, Jessie, come with me.” Veronica snatched the copy from Hilton. “We’ll get the flyers going so right after the show we can canvas the area. Time is of the essence. I think we can discount Lillian due to her age, but the rest of us, including Dave, could cover a lot of ground.”
Dave gave her a look. “Gee, it’s a good thing I didn’t have plans.”
Over her shoulder Veronica said, “You might think about inviting the mail harlot to make your community service more palatable.”
“It’ll look good for your new girlfriend. It’ll show your sensitive side,” Hilton added.
“I guess you’re right,” Dave replied. He didn’t look completely convinced.
Anne came flying out of the booth. “My goodness, I thought the show would never end. Dave, did you have to leave me hanging out there so long? Good God! How about some extra commercials or something? I’m sick of stupid stories and I have to pee like a racehorse. Hilton, come with me and fill me in.”
Hilton got up and was about to follow Anne when Lillian nearly plowed her over.
“Dude, be careful. I got between her and her cigarette break once and got cold-cocked. She’s built like a Mack truck.”
“I’ll remember that next time,” Hilton said. She followed Anne 92
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into the restroom and sat on the vanity while Anne took care of her bodily needs.
“I don’t remember anything in my contract that stated I needed a gallon-sized bladder.”
“It’s all the coffee you drink. Coffee is a diuretic.”
“Oh, well, that’s not happening anytime soon. I love coffee.”
“Perhaps we could put in a requisition for a portable toilet in the booth.”
Anne laughed. “I could just see Veronica denying the purchase order as an unnecessary expense. Now, what’s going on with your friend and Veronica. I swear it looked like love at first sight.”
It was Hilton’s turn to laugh. “No, say it isn’t so. Actually, we have a big household problem.”
“Can I help?” Anne said. She washed her hands.
“Not unless you’re good with a staple gun.”
“I’ve never actually used one but I can’t imagine they’re that difficult. What is Jessie so upset about?”
“She lost Amelia Bearhart at the park and she wanted to use Shannon as a tracker dog.”
“I see. Can I ask a personal question?”
“Sure.” Hilton hopped down from the vanity.
“What’s a grown-up woman doing with a teddy bear? I mean, isn’t she a little old for toys?”
“It’s not hers.”
“Oh, the plot thickens.”
“It belongs to our other roommate Liz’s girlfriend. Jessie was bear-sitting while they went out for lunch. I think it’s part of Liz’s plan to get Melissa to loosen her hold on the bear.”
“But why does she have the bear?”
“She was traumatized when her first lover—and from the sounds of it, her only girlfriend—left her. She gave her the bear as a surrogate, I suppose. She takes it with her everywhere.”
“So Jessie is in deep shit if we don’t find the bear.”
“We need to mobilize—flyers everywhere—and hopefully the bear will be returned to its rightful owner.”
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There was a knock on the door. “Dudes, Veronica says we’ve got to move it, like time is of the essence or some shit,” Dave said.
“Veronica is kind of a control freak,” Hilton said.
“You just noticed that?”
Hilton pinched her arm. “Gran said you should always assume people are good …”
“Until they screw you,” Anne finished.
“Yeah, and then she said you can let the big guns out.”
“I would have liked her,” Anne said, opening the door for Hilton.
“What on earth were you two doing in there for so long?”
Veronica said. Her arms were full of flyers that she immediately thrust at Hilton. “We’ve got to get moving if we’re to find the bear and save Jessie from certain torture.”
“Hilton has irritable bowel syndrome. Cut her some slack.”
Hilton’s jaw dropped and she gaped at Anne.
Anne laughed and then gave her a shove. “Chop chop. We’re behind schedule and we haven’t even begun.”
“I’m going to get you for that,” Hilton said. “I can’t believe you said that.”
“I amaze myself sometimes. Now, let’s go find the bear.”
They headed across town to Lincoln Park. Veronica, as she was known to do, coordinated the troops and sent everyone off. Veronica and Jessie headed west. Dave and his girlfriend, Gwin, headed south while Hilton, Anne and Shannon were sent off to the eastern end.
Shannon rebelled and went off to sit under a big sugar maple tree whose leaves were still holding but had turned bright yellow.
“All right, but no wandering,” Hilton told her.
“I wish I had a camera,” Anne said. She pointed to the yellow tree with the white dog under a perfect blue sky. It would make a great screen saver.”
“You want a picture?”
“Yes.”
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Hilton rummaged around in her backpack and pulled out her digital camera. She pointed it at Anne and took a photo.
“You truly are a gear queen. But I don’t want a picture of me.”
“I know. But I do. It’s payment.” Hilton pointed the camera at Shannon and took another photo. Shannon, who had had hundreds of pictures taken of her, seemed to almost pose. Hilton had exactly one photo of her father and two of her mother. That was why she had purchased the camera, so that her life would stop passing her by with nothing to document the passing of time. She showed the picture to Anne. “Is that what you want?”
