The Shadow Princess, page 12
“You mean your love,” I correct.
Bastien shrugs. “In that case, love was power.”
“And then what? You just… all of a sudden no longer loved me?”
Pain ripples over Bastien’s countenance but smooths just as quickly. “It was exactly like that.”
That’s not what I want to hear. I have to suppress stomping my foot in childish frustration. “I refuse to believe that. Not with what we had. Not with years of memories and a friendship dating back to childhood. At the very least, you should care for me as a friend. Or as your sovereign. Instead, I feel like you hate me, and I can’t reconcile that.”
“I don’t hate you,” he growls, his eyes cold and distant as he steps toward me. “But you clearly don’t understand the magnitude of that spell or the sacrifice it required. Yes, I have all those memories. I can recall any one of them with extreme clarity. I know all the things that happened between us, and none of it touches me. They happened, and yet, they didn’t. They left no lasting mark on me. In fact, I don’t think about our past at all. The last seven years, I didn’t think about you at all.”
“You’re lying,” I whisper.
Bastien takes another step and bends his head. “You have to let all that go and look to the future. I’m truly sorry that you were hurt and that you’re angry. I don’t know what else to do other than apologize, but I can’t keep going round and round with you about it.”
Wild, desperate emotion swirls within me, anger at the forefront that he won’t even try. It’s like Bastien is fading away all over again, and it makes me feel so lost and alone. I reach out, grab his arms. “I know you have to feel something for me. Love is more powerful than magic. You’re scared and not willing to push past this dead space inside you. You’d rather live half a life, and I don’t think this choice is because of the sacrifice you made and what you had to give up. I think it’s because you’re scared and a coward, and it’s so disappointing—”
My words are cut off as Bastien’s hand goes to my throat. It’s large enough to crush my windpipe if he wanted, and yet there’s absolutely no pain. He merely holds me captive and backs me across the room until I come up against the dresser. He pushes inward, and I lean back.
Bastien’s face hovers over mine, darkened with fury. His teeth clench as he murmurs words drenched in condescension. “You’re being manipulative, Thalia. It must be something you picked up in the First Dimension because my memories are clear, and I don’t remember you being this way.”
I clamp onto his wrist, attempting to pull his hand from my throat. It locks iron tight, still not hurting but ensuring I stay in place. I’ve angered him by calling him a coward and trying to force him to have the same feelings I do. The new Bastien apparently doesn’t like emotion at all.
He pulls back slightly and looks down my body. With his free hand, he plucks at the collar of his shirt I’m wearing. It’s loose around my chest, and he can see straight inside.
His eyes come up to me, and he sneers. “Was this some effort to try to win me over? Dressing in my shirt, naked underneath.” His voice turns husky, and it sends a shiver up my spine. “What do you want me to say, Thalia? That you’re as beautiful as I remember? That I’m still attracted to you? That I find you very fuckable right now?”
“Do you?” I whisper, knowing I’ll die if he says no.
Bastien smiles, and it’s neither warm nor loving. It’s wholly sinister. “Of course, you’re fuckable. There’s not a soldier in the dorms who would pass up a shot with you.”
I screech with rage, clawing at his hand to release my throat. I try to bring my knee up between his legs, but he turns, and it glances off his thigh.
My inability to escape his hold, which is only in place because I goaded him, makes me see red. I lash out, intent on hurting him with my words since I’m too weak to hurt him physically.
“A whole dormitory of soldiers, huh?” I smile sweetly. “Sounds like shopping in a candy store. I thank you for the suggestion.”
Bastien growls a warning, and rather than scare me, I take heart. “You’ll stay away from the soldiers, or I’ll lock you in this house.”
Yes. That right there was the sound of jealousy, and you’ll never convince me otherwise. It fills me with hope, and I have to believe there’s a possibility that Bastien’s heart will thaw.
Maybe with just a kiss.
A touch.
If we made love.
My hands go lax on his wrist and then fall to his chest. I push in close to him and surprisingly, he doesn’t hold me back, although his hand remains on my throat, whisper light. Tipping my head, I murmur, “I’m right here, Bastien. We could pick up where we were. I could be something to you again if you tried.”
There… another wash of emotion ripples his face.
It looks like agony mixed with denial.
He releases me so abruptly, I almost slump to the floor but manage to lock my legs to keep myself upright. Shaking his head, Bastien says, “I already have someone, Thalia. You and I can’t be anything.”
I’m so stunned that I stumble backward into the dresser again. My hands go to steady myself.
The expression on Bastien’s face is pinched with tension, and that jaw muscle leaps dramatically. “I’m going to stay at the dorms from here on out. I’ll keep guards posted around you day and night so you’ll be protected.”
I can do nothing but nod mutely in understanding. Gods… he has someone. And I just made a complete fool of myself trying to get something back that has been given to someone else.
So stupid, Thalia.
My gaze wanders over to the bed where I stare as Bastien grabs his shirt from the floor and marches out of the room. Only when I hear the front door close behind him do I sag onto the floor and let the tears fall.
CHAPTER 12
Bastien
Bastien left his home and Thalia behind. He’d lied to her by saying he was involved with someone else but hoped it left the impression that he was going there for some warm comfort. Maybe then she’d give up this ridiculous idea that they could fall in love again.
Instead, he went to a pub near the town’s center and chose a table in a dark corner. When the barkeep brought the rye whiskey and a single glass, Bastien ordered him to leave the bottle.
He was halfway through it when Kieran found him, and Bastien wasn’t pleased to see his brother kick a chair out and sink down into it.
“What do you want?” Bastien grumbled, his head swimming a little, his tongue feeling thick.
“Ian told me you were here drowning your sorrows, and since you’re the quintessential uptight man who never gets drunk, I decided to come check it out.”
Bastien glowered at Ian behind the bar and had half a mind to beat him senseless for calling on Kieran to come here. He wasn’t a child who needed minding.
Kieran reached forward and grabbed the bottle, eschewing a glass and drinking straight from the source. He grimaced after swallowing. “That tastes like turpentine.”
Bastien ignored his brother. He didn’t want conversation. He’d had enough of it with Thalia back at the cottage. She was infuriating and nonsensical and sexier than any woman had a right to be. When he saw her in his shirt, something cracked inside his chest, and he didn’t like the feeling at all. He was overwhelmed with her—the sight, the smell, the promise. It took everything to restrain himself from taking her right there. Whipping that damn shirt off her, losing himself in her body.
She would have let him too.
He lied to her more than once tonight. He told her he never thought of her, but that wasn’t true. He’d thought about her often over the years. What was true, sadly, was that it didn’t produce much in the way of feelings, and he was easily able to brush the memories away.
But now that she was back, he’d done nothing but think of her. He couldn’t stop the memories from rolling through his mind like those movies he’d seen in the First Dimension. He was well on his way to getting drunk tonight, so perhaps he’d stop thinking about fucking her, which was at the forefront after seeing her in his shirt.
Leaning forward, Bastien grabbed the bottle and put it to his lips, ignoring his empty glass. He took two long swallows and hissed, because it did taste like turpentine.
“What is ailing you, brother?” Kieran asked as he again reached for the bottle. Bastien handed it over. “It’s unlike you to wallow.”
“I’m not wallowing,” Bastien muttered, but that was yet another lie that dripped from his mouth tonight.
Kieran grinned across the table. “I’m going to take a guess and say that Thalia coming back has turned your life upside down.”
“That’s an understatement,” Bastien reluctantly admitted and tried to ignore the pleased look on his brother’s face. Because the truth was, his life had been turned upside down the minute the spell that sent her away was cast.
Designed to harness every bit of his love for her and imbue it into her very soul, the protection magic had resulted in profoundly negative effects for Bastien.
Yes, as she faded away, he wasn’t despondent, but he was cognizant of an emptiness within. Where Thalia had filled him up, he was left with a vast chasm that made him feel… incomplete.
It took a long fucking time for Bastien to become accustomed to that feeling of nothingness. Other women couldn’t fill it, so he shoved other stuff inside that eventually rebuilt him into the man he was today.
Hatred for Ferelith was his primary fuel, and he leveraged every ounce of that passion and energy into defeating his enemies. He killed indiscriminately, as long as his opponent was working for Ferelith. His hands were drenched in blood, his soul etched with every death, and it was the only thing that made him feel whole again.
“That damn woman thinks we can pick up where we left off,” Bastien grumbled.
Kieran merely cocked an eyebrow as he took the bottle from Bastien and brought it to his mouth.
Bastien slammed his fist onto the table. “She wanted to talk about her feelings, wanted me to talk about my feelings, and then… next thing I knew, she wanted to know if I would fuck her.”
Kieran choked on the liquor and sprayed rye whiskey all over the table. “She actually came right out and asked you to…?”
“Well, she didn’t overtly say that. Somehow I was talking about how beautiful she was, and I might’ve said she was fuckable. I don’t remember the order of things. She asked if I felt she was fuckable—”
A deep furrow appeared in Kieran’s forehead, and he held up his hands. “Whoa, whoa, whoa. Wait a minute… you actually had this conversation?”
“And I told her, there was a dormitory full of soldiers if she needed to scratch that itch.”
Kieran sprang from his chair, reached across, and slapped his brother on the side of the head, hard enough to rock Bastien. “You are a fucking idiot. You don’t say those things to a princess. You don’t say those things to Thalia. I should kick your ass.”
Bastien loved his brother. The spell hadn’t prohibited him from loving, just from loving Thalia. But he had to hold his temper because as brothers are wont to do, they’d often beat on each other in times of anger, and usually when alcohol was involved. Kieran striking him would more often than not end up with them rolling around, trading blows until they were worn out and bloodied. They’d then return to the bottle.
But Bastien didn’t have it in him tonight. Now that he was unloading about Thalia, he decided to get it all out since Kieran had been the one right by his side the last seven years, and he knew his brother was a different man.
“I told her I had another woman,” Bastien admitted.
Kieran set the whiskey bottle down. “But you don’t. You broke it off with Merrilyn.”
“Thalia needs to move on from me, and the easiest way for her to do that is to think I’m a hopeless cause. I know Thalia, and she won’t pursue me if she thinks there’s someone else. She’s not the type to get in between a couple.”
Kieran laughed and pointed at his brother. “That right there sounds like pride mixed with a bit of fondness for Thalia. You may not feel much for her, but you still respect all the qualities that led you to fall in love with her in the first place. The spell took your love, not your admiration.”
Bastien mulled that over. Kieran had said that just because his love had been removed didn’t mean it couldn’t be rebuilt. He supposed that was true, but it seemed impossible. Bastien had known Thalia since she was a child. They were the closest of friends before they became lovers but building blocks along the way had forged their bond. Those building blocks were still meaningful to Thalia, but they weren’t to Bastien. It’s not fair to her for him to attempt something that would be so one-sided. She’d get hurt all over again.
“You should give it a go,” Kieran said, and Bastien’s eyes met his. “You owe it to yourself.”
“That makes no sense,” Bastien mumbled.
“You don’t remember your feelings for her… what it was like when you were with Thalia. You walked on air, brother. You should want that again.”
Shaking his head in regrettable denial, Bastien shot the notion down in a roundabout way. “We’re at war, Kieran. Lives are at stake. Hard work has to be done. There is no time to try to regain something you say I should miss, but I just don’t. It’s a waste of my time, and I’m completely fine with the way things are.”
Kieran frowned as he studied his brother. He stood from the table. “If you’re so fine, why are you here getting drunk?”
Bastien didn’t reply, merely took the bottle and refilled his glass. Kieran turned on his heel and left his brother behind.
Settling back into his chair, Bastien continued to ponder Kieran’s advice, even though he’d drawn his line in the sand.
His brother was a romantic, nothing more.
Bastien was not.
Even if he were, resurrecting his relationship with Thalia was the last thing he’d try to do. While his emotions regarding her were almost completely dead, he could still vividly recall what that emptiness had felt like when she left.
And he was never going to risk that pain again.
CHAPTER 13
Thalia
The next week goes by quickly. I meet with Bastien and the Conclave in the great hall every day. Most days, it seems like futile brainstorming, but some things are churning. Bastien sent Kieran to all the royal families still pledged to us, inviting their Conclaves to Clairmont for a large summit. We hope that by putting all these magical minds together, with their deep knowledge of history, we’ll figure out a way to defeat Ferelith’s blood magic.
In addition to orders to bring the Conclaves together for a long summit, Kieran was also instructed to talk to the heads of the royal families to gauge the temperature, so to speak, on the idea of coalescing our respective forces to retake Kestevayne. As it stands right now, each family is entrenched behind their city walls, merely praying Ferelith doesn’t come for them. It’s not a good existence, but it’s a safe one, for now.
Kieran was due back late last night, and I expect he’ll have a report for us at this morning’s meeting.
I leave the cottage with my breakfast in hand, a delicious blackberry muffin that Sam’s adoptive mother brought over last night, along with some other baked goods. She’s married to one of the town’s farriers, and they took Sam in after his mother was killed. His father died a few years prior in the war.
I went over the day after I’d arrived in Clairmont to introduce myself. Hanna and Frederick were a sweet couple who had always wanted children of their own but were never able to conceive. They took in little Sam without hesitation and have provided a nurturing environment for him. But he’s withdrawn, and I’m having a hard time breaking through to him.
I’m disappointed he’s not sitting on his stoop reading as he sometimes is when I leave in the morning. I’m playing it cool right now with him, usually offering a wave and a smile.
With Bastien staying in the dorms, guards are always posted at the house. They escort me about town, although they walk a good twenty paces back. It’s not thought that I’m in any danger under the spelled cloak covering Clairmont, but Bastien’s orders are not to be trifled with, so the guards are here to stay.
Over the past week, when not in meetings at Conclave Hall, I’ve been making my rounds to visit shop owners, citizens, and soldiers.
I’m trying my best to meet every family. I walk up and down the streets, knocking on doors with my four guards always at a respectable distance. Some folks I know, while it’s my first time meeting others. But at the end of every visit, I give each family member a warm hug and a promise that I’ll fight for their freedom. These meetings fuel my desire to defeat Ferelith while concurrently combating some of my frustrations.
Laina told me one day that these visits are greatly improving the spirits of the people, and I don’t know if that’s true. I only know that I’m their leader, and I need to do my very best to give them hope.
In all, my welcome back to Vyronas has been mostly heartwarming. Everyone is tremendously grateful I’ve returned, and there seems to be a boost in morale, even if it is only a small glimmer.
I had one unpleasant encounter while shopping for clothes in one of a handful of little boutiques along the town’s main thoroughfare. The guards stayed outside, and I suppose it’s why none other than Ralina Batton felt confident to approach me.
Throughout my childhood, she was never more than a bully. While Bastien had effectively put Barney and all the other boys who thought they could push me around in their place, Ralina always liked to take her jabs. The worst was that she noticed when I had a crush on Bastien, and she teased me relentlessly about it. This went on for years, and she was always quick to point out how he would never look at me as anything more than a child.
