The Christmas You Found Me, page 23
Micah is silent for a long time, then he nods and gets up. Before he goes into his tent, he offers me the blanket, but I shake my head. I have everything I need. And the things I lost? Well, they just aren’t so important anymore.
Chapter 22
The night drops down to the coldest it’s been all winter. Even Legs is shivery when we start toward the gorge at first morning light, and I’m an icicle all the way through.
We keep searching, and the longer we look, the less I think I’m going to find them.
“This is my fault,” Micah tells me when we pause to try to warm up and regroup. “I was so mad, I made sure you didn’t have two pennies to spare when the settlement was done. You’d have tracker tags on them if it wasn’t for me.”
His words grate on my ears, but I choose not to indulge his comment or let this turn into the Micah show.
“Dad never needed GPS to find his cattle, and neither should I,” I reply instead. The past is the past, and I can’t change what is or isn’t on my cows’ ears. “I don’t want to stay out in this another night, and we’re low on food. If we don’t find them in the next two hours, we need to head back down.”
Micah doesn’t have to say he agrees with me, because I know he’s thinking it as well. His own mount is just as cold as Legs, and the dog needs to get inside too. We range wide from each other to cover as much ground as possible while we still can. Then a sharp whistle says Micah’s found what’s left of the herd. At first, I have hope, but when I ride up, my heart sinks.
It’s worse than I had expected. He’s only found three heifers, and the rest of the herd—including Jerkface—are long gone.
As a cattle rancher, I understand ultimately these animals are meant to feed us. They aren’t pets, no matter how much I care about each and every one of them. I’ve never liked sending them to be butchered, but it’s part of this job. But to lose an animal due to an accident or neglect? That’s another thing entirely. My cattle need to be down at the ranch because of the warmth of the shelters and the safety of being off the mountain. Jerkface might have lived up to his name, but it hurts especially hard to admit I’ve lost him to the mountain this winter.
Legs is shivering, and I have other animals that need to be cared for. I’m ready to accept defeat, knowing we’ve done what we can and it’s time to go home.
We ride down the mountain in silence, driving the three heifers between us. We meet up with the ranch hands halfway home, and I learn they spent the night in the living quarters of Micah’s trailer instead of heading home for the night. They were on their way back to try to help us find the rest. I’m grateful, but the search is done for now.
My sixty-one head of cattle are now down to forty-six when we reach the homestead. Guy must have been watching for us because he meets me at the gate. His eyes are bleak as he opens the gate for us and watches us ride in with the three cattle.
“The others?” he asks, sounding sick.
I shake my head. “We lost eyes on fifteen after we found these three in the gorge. It’s bad country out there. I’ll keep searching for the rest…maybe hire Jake or Charley to fly me around to look for them. It’s possible they’ll find their way down on their own.”
Possible, but not very likely.
“I’m so sorry, Sienna.” He rests a hand on my shoulder, and I lean briefly into his touch, then straighten. Later, I’ll let him comfort me, but not in front of these men.
“I’ll put some coffee on,” I say tiredly to the group, but Micah shakes his head.
“Thanks, but we’ll get gone. Sorry it didn’t end better, Sen.”
The other two touch their hats as they follow Micah to the Ford. As I watch them, I realize I don’t want the big truck or the shiny trailer anymore. I’d take my dogs back in a heartbeat, but I can’t pretend I’m not glad to see them load their horses and the whole rig go.
I just want a hot shower and some time to process the loss.
“How much were they worth?” Guy asks me in a low, rough voice. “This is my fault, and I’ll pay to replace them.”
“We can work it out later,” I say, but when the strain in his eyes only worsens, I add, “The steers would have been sixteen hundred a head this spring, maybe more or less depending on the value of beef. Jerkface will be harder to replace, but we have until springtime to figure it out.”
I don’t want to get into how the bull is the worst of it, because he was one of the best from years of cultivating the herds. All of them hurt, and not just financially. Thankfully, Guy doesn’t press me.
There’s work to do even now, so I check over my remaining cows for injuries, feed everyone, and triple-check every gate. The big gates are far too heavy for Emma to open, but I notice the smaller gates all have new, heavy-duty, screw-locking carabiners on them, something her little fingers would struggle with opening. Guy’s not been idle as he waited for us to come home. He stays at my side with every chore, and the second body is deeply appreciated. Hauling hay and opening grain bags is heavy work, especially when the molasses inside each bag has started to freeze.
“You took good care of everything while I was gone,” I finally say as he hooks up the hose to the water pump so I can top off the horses’ heated water buckets. “How was Emma’s dialysis this morning?”
“She’s pretty tired today, and she was quiet except for asking about you. I think it scared her when you didn’t come home last night, and I know she missed you at bedtime.”
“I’ll check on her when we get done,” I promise. “I missed her too.”
I start to peel off my gloves so I don’t get them wet, but Guy keeps hold of the hose and does it himself. Even now, he looks good with a hip to a stall door, his fingers plucking errant bits of hay swirling in Lulu’s bucket as cold water runs in.
“You’re smiling,” he says, and I don’t realize I’ve closed the distance between us until his damp fingers pluck hay bits out of my hair now instead of a bucket.
“I missed sleeping next to you last night,” I admit. I haven’t shared a bed long enough for this feeling, but it’s true.
Guy wraps his hand over the end of the hose, folding it so the water is blocked off to a trickle. Instead of moving to the next bucket, he cups the back of my head and kisses me. I must stink from two days in a saddle, and I wouldn’t want to kiss me, that’s for sure. But he doesn’t seem to mind.
“I slept on the couch last night,” Guy tells me quietly. “I hated not having you next to me.” Then he wraps an arm around my shoulders and hugs me into his body. “You’re dead on your feet and frozen through,” he whispers. “It’s okay. Go inside, and let me finish.”
Guy’s been taking care of everything here the last day and a half, and he knows what to do. I hesitate, glancing longingly at the house. “Yeah?”
“Yeah.” He kisses me again, then uses his arm to turn me gently toward the barn door. “Go. I’ll be done here soon.”
“You’ll double-check the gates?” I ask softly because he’s right. The prolonged exposure to cold and wet has stripped me of my energy.
“Honey, I’m going to be double-checking those gates the rest of my life.” He shakes his head with a tightening of his eyes.
I’m halfway to the house when I realize it’s the first time he’s used a pet name for me. It’s also the first time Guy’s mentioned what we have as being a long-term situation. I’m too tired to process what that means for us and instead kick off my boots in the mudroom and gratefully strip out of my riding gear. When I go inside the house, I find Emma on the couch, watching one of her shows on her tablet, with Barley stretched out behind her like a fluffy child-size sofa.
Other than a lazy thump of his tail, he ignores me. Emma does the same.
“Hey, Emma,” I tell her, giving the child her space. “I’m going to take a shower if you need me.”
She nods but still doesn’t say anything. That’s okay. I’d rather get cleaned up and get my head on straight before she and I talk much anyway.
I turn on the water to cool, but it still burns when I get in the shower. I shiver, letting icy skin and protesting toes get used to the temperature change before cranking up the heat. I could probably have stayed in there forever, but eventually me and my billow of steam decide to listen to my gurgling stomach.
I honestly don’t remember the last time I ate anything, and I must not be thinking straight because I realize belatedly the shirt I grabbed from the footboard of the bed on my way into the bathroom is actually Guy’s. Maybe some women look cute in their partner’s clothes, but his shirt goes to my knees, not a sexier part of my legs, and it looks particularly baggy when added to the fuzzy blue fleece penguin pajama pants I snagged on my way.
Any thoughts of changing leave my head when I realize there’s a little girl sitting on my bed. Emma has Mr. Moose in her arms, and she still isn’t meeting my eyes, which isn’t normal for her.
“Hey there.” I sit down next to her, and when she leans into my side, I smooth my hand over her hair. “You okay, Em?”
“Sen-na?” She blinks big blue eyes at me. “I’m really sorry.”
“It’s okay, Emma. It was an accident. I know you won’t do it again.” I wrap my arms around her, which seems to give her the permission she needs to climb into my lap. She’s crying, so I hug her close, murmuring soothingly. “Sweetie pie, this is a ranch, and on a ranch, sometimes accidents happen. Cows love to get loose. It’s part of the fun of being a cow. Some of them just chose the wrong way to go.”
Maybe I should be mad at her or at Guy for it happening in the first place, but I just can’t. I care about them too much, and I can’t stand to see either one of my little family upset.
Emma’s still crying, albeit softer now. “Daddy said no more cows came back. Did they die?”
I can tell by her tone she’s having a hard time with this. Death is difficult for any child, but for Emma, it seems to be hitting especially strongly.
“We don’t know if they’re hurt. They’re probably just wandering around, playing in the snow. Hopefully they’ll find their way to someplace warm with food, but I’m still going to keep looking, okay? I have a friend who can fly airplanes, and I’m going to ask him to help.”
“What if they don’t find any food?”
I see Guy’s shoulder appear in the doorway, and I know he’s leaning on the other side of the wall. He could come in here and handle this better than I could, but he’s waiting for me. I wish I knew what to say, so I try to think about what my mother told me and what her mother told her.
“No one gets to be here forever, Emma. But it’s a gift to be happy. It’s a gift to have people care if we’re happy. Jerkface loved to jump and run, and I bet he’s having a lot of fun right now. He has a good life, and it’s all any of us can ask for.”
“Do you have a good life?”
“I have you, and you make my life the best life ever. You make your daddy’s life the best life ever. We’re so much better than good. We’re the best.”
She nods, then Emma puts her little arms around my neck and gives me a butterfly kiss on my cheek. “I love you, Sen-na.”
It’s maybe the best moment of my life, because I can honestly, truly say, “I love you too, Emma.”
Oh, sweet child. If only you knew how much I love you too.
***
Emma’s already had dinner, so I curl up in a chair at the kitchen table with a warm blanket, slowly eating what Guy hands me. He waited to have dinner with me, which was nice of him, even though I’m quieter than normal. I pick at the last half of my veggie burger, not because of the taste but out of sheer exhaustion.
“Do you want something different?” he asks before taking my bowl.
“No, I’m fine. Sorry, my appetite is shot.” Me and my blanket follow him to the kitchen, where Guy starts on the dishes. I lean back against the countertop next to him as he works, finding myself wanting to be close to him. His voice drops so little ears can’t hear us.
“Sienna, I am so, so sorry.”
“I know. It was an accident, Guy. I’m not angry.”
“I have no idea why you aren’t. I’m furious with myself for doing this to you. The last thing you needed—” he starts to say, but I interrupt him.
“The last thing I need is you making yourself sick over this. We need you too much.” I’d meant to say “she needs you” but the “we” slipped out. Even as I say it, I know I mean the words completely. I need him to be okay.
Guy hesitates and then murmurs, “We need you too, Sen.”
Silence falls between us, the kind of silence that feels like a shoulder to lean on instead of the tightrope of tension the last two days have been.
“Thank you for being kind to Em,” Guy eventually says as he scrubs our bowls. “You have every right to be upset, but I appreciate you being gentle with her. She’s been beating herself up over the cows since yesterday. It broke her heart they didn’t all come back.”
“I know, the poor kid.”
He’s watching me out of the corner of his eye, and when I glance at him, Guy’s blue eyes flicker away. As soon as I look away, I can feel him watching me again. The weight of his attention tonight is too strong to ignore, especially when there’s only a few inches between my shoulder and his.
“Are you okay?” I ask him, cautiously feeling out what might be causing him to…well…hover a little. He’s been hovering since I got back, now I think about it.
Strong hands linger as he wipes the bowls dry an extra time. “I’m trying to figure out if I’m allowed to ask you the same thing.”
I don’t understand, and it must show on my face.
Guy clears his throat. “Ever since I started the new job and people learned I married you, I’ve gotten nothing but warnings about Micah being trouble. I didn’t say anything because I didn’t want you to feel like you had to protect me. Which you try to do every second of every day.”
He might have me there. I lean my head into his shoulder, and Guy turns and wraps his arms around me and my blanket.
“I stood there like a fool, watching you go up into the mountains with the same guy everyone’s been telling me isn’t safe, and I couldn’t think of a single thing I could do to stop it. It’s my fault you had to spend a night alone with him, and it’s not my place to ask you if anything happened.”
I start to pull away at the last sentence, but he makes a hushing noise.
“Not like that. Although if it were like that, I’d do my best to deal. I vowed I would have your back, even if you choose someone else…” Guy pauses, his hands tightening around my waist, and when I touch still-cold fingertips to his tensed jaw, he leans his face into my hand. “Seriously, Sen, seeing you with someone else would gut me.”
“Then it’s a good thing the only one I’m getting into any hot springs with is standing in this room.”
Guy smiles, his eyes heating with shared memories. Suddenly I’m not quite as cold as I was a moment ago.
“I care about you more than you realize. If your ex upset you, I can talk to him. If Micah...” Guy trails off mid-sentence, and a muscle in his jaw flexes.
“Was the aggressive bully you’re worried about?” I pat his arm reassuringly. “I promise it was nothing I couldn’t handle. He and I will always be at odds, but I think the anger he feels over us is getting resolved.” Then I frown. “Who was warning you about him?”
Suddenly Guy laughs, and the arms around me squeeze me almost breathless. “See? You’re determined to protect me and Emma.”
“So? It makes me happy.”
His mouth presses the softest kiss to the side of my neck, his voice wistful. “Yeah?”
“Absolutely.”
“I really like you being happy.” Guy’s breath is warm on the rim of my ear, his body heating mine. “And I love you in my clothes.”
“Now that I’ve successfully reassured you that you don’t have to pick a fight with my ex…want to make out for a while? Because it would make me very happy.”
Guy’s breath is warm on the side of my neck, and the tiny nips of his teeth are causing gooseflesh to rise on my arms. I’m not sure whether to laugh, groan, or just dig my fingers into his shoulders. I give up and do all three. Those glacier-blue eyes gaze down at me with enough heat to melt all the snow in these mountains.
Suddenly two very warm, very strong hands squeeze my bottom, then hoist me off my feet. My arms wrap around his neck for balance as Guy holds me up in his arms, my legs winding around his waist. The blanket hits the floor, but I couldn’t care less.
“Does this count as your exercise tonight?” I ask him breathlessly as he carries me into the living room.
“I think it’s considered accessory lifts,” he teases. “Which I’ve been sorely lacking.”
“I have zero idea what those are, but I trust you.”
“I trust you too, Sienna.” He only needs one arm to hold me up. The other is tangled in my hair, drawing my head down to his. Guy’s voice is quiet, sure, and calm. “I know what I have, and I’m not going to blow it. Do you have any idea how incredible you are?” He reaches the couch, then puts a knee to the cushions, laying me down. “I’m completely convinced there’s nothing you can’t do.”
As I wrap my arms around his neck, pulling him closer, I’m fairly certain there’s nothing he can’t do either.
“Daddy? My movie is over.”
Except maybe continue this. At the sound of Emma calling from her bedroom, Guy groans softly into my neck, hands stilling on my rib cage.
“Did you forget we have a daughter?” The teasing words slip out of my mouth, then I realize what I said. His palm lingers over my stomach, his eyes hot and hungry, and I know he’s not angry about my slipup there. Not even close. “We’re a family, right?”
“We’re a family, Sienna.” There’s more he wants to say, then an annoyed voice calls for him again.
“Daddy.”
“I’m coming, baby.” With one last kiss, he leaves me on the couch under the soft glow of the Christmas tree lights and so glad to be home with my family.
