The Christmas You Found Me, page 21
“Is that what you’ve been doing? Cuddling with me on the sly?”
Guy nudges my calf with a playful toe. “More or less. More when you let me, less when I can’t convince you to stop working for a minute or two.” His expression grows serious. “Sienna, no matter what caused us to sign that paper, I take you being my wife very seriously. Getting to see how great you look soaking wet with the backdrop of the mountains behind you… It’s just a bonus. A really great bonus.” Guy tilts his head and catches my eyes before adding, “You’re my family. Even if you decide today this isn’t working for you and you want a divorce, you’re still going to be my family. I owe it to you to be kind to you.”
“It would be an annulment.” I clear my throat awkwardly. “Since we’ve never had sex, it would technically be an annulment, not a divorce.”
What is wrong with me? The man has basically declared his heart to me, and I’m babbling about sex or the lack thereof.
“Uh-oh, you said the s word.” His playful tone makes me exhale a small laugh, easing nerves I didn’t realize had strung so tight.
“I wish it was easier to say what I’m thinking.” I watch the steam rising in front of me, playing my fingers through it. “It’s so easy for you.”
“I’ve had a lot of therapy,” Guy admits. “I needed it to help me deal with Emma’s illness, and I’ve learned to verbalize the things that are important to me. You’re important to me, so I’m talking about this. Trust me, I don’t go to work and do much more than grunt at a few people.”
“Did you get teased about the snowman sandwiches?” I ask, because I’ve wondered about it a few times.
“If I did, it was worth it. Someone cared about me that day, and that means more than you realize.”
He’s not flirting with me. He’s being open and honest and emotionally available. So I take a deep breath, sink deeper in the hot spring, and take a leap of faith.
“It just sometimes seems like you’re too good to be true.” I can’t risk a glance at him, not when I’m finally being open and honest too. “You’re a great dad, and you try so hard every day. It just feels…”
I don’t even know how to finish the sentence because I’m terrified of hurting this good, kind man.
“Sienna, you’re over there wondering why someone would be good to you, and I’m over here wondering how in the world that man wasn’t.” He opens his mouth to say more, then seems to reconsider. Instead, he says gently, “What were you thinking so hard about that made you worried?”
“I was worried I’m pressuring you. For…this.” Guy tilts his head again, and I know he’s trying to understand. I feel my cheeks heating even more than the hot springs has caused and gesture my fingers in between us. “Like last night. Which wasn’t part of the deal.”
I can’t meet his eyes after admitting it. I don’t know if I’ve ever been this embarrassed.
“Sienna?” The way Guy says my name feels like warm honey, sweet and rich on his tongue. “For what it’s worth, I’m really hoping pretty soon any chance of an annulment will be off the table.”
Oh. Oh.
“I’m happy to prove it to you right now if you’re interested. The view’s even better over here.” Guy holds out his hand to me, and when I raise my eyes to his, the way he’s looking at me takes my breath away. Patient, always patient. But hungry and yearning too.
A week ago, I wouldn’t have had the guts to cross this hot spring. Maybe even a day or two ago, I would have hesitated. Right now? I touch my palm to his, watching our fingers press against each other before entangling together. A soft tug of invitation is enough to draw me closer.
I’m not the first Naples to wind up in Hot Toddy in a man’s arms. I’m probably not even the first person this season to be in here, considering how often teenagers sneak up here for some alone time. I’m pretty sure no one else has looked as good as Guy does, relaxed against the rocks with the backdrop of the mountains behind him. He draws me over his lap, and my hands move to his chest to balance myself. I don’t need to worry about slipping though. Guy clearly has this handled.
He touches my face and combs his fingers through my wet hair before tilting my face down to his. I shiver despite the heat of the spring. Or maybe the way his hand traces lazily down my spine is what has me shivering. I don’t know.
“Relax, Sienna. I’m just a hot Guy in a hot tub.”
“That was an awful joke,” I tell him, giggling as he presses his lips to where my shoulder meets my neck.
“Yes, but it made you laugh.” Guy presses another, softer kiss to my collarbone. “I know when we met was terrible timing for you. I know you weren’t even ready for a rebound. But what this is, what we have, it’s good. I’m not going to mess us up, no matter how much someone else messed up everything else.”
“That’s the first time you’ve used the word. Us.”
“You, me, and Emma… You’re my family. But you and me? This right here? Us.”
We fit each other better than I ever could have hoped for, as if we were made for being this close together. When I tighten my knees against the muscles of his waist, his eyes sweep down over me again, lingering. Guy is always waiting for me, leaving it as my decision. This is the first time I’ve truly understood how hard it is for him. It’s been too long since I’ve felt like this, and Guy is making a very good case for why us is a good word. But even as I start to reach for him further, I can feel myself holding back.
If we take that next step, I’m very afraid he’ll officially have what’s left of my heart. The thought is terrifying.
Guy tangles our fingers, then kisses my fingertips one by one. “If you’re not ready yet, it’s okay. You’re worth waiting for, Sienna. No matter how long it takes.”
“Even if you turn into a prune in here?”
Guy’s grin will never be less than beautiful, especially now I’ve seen him in pain. The fact that he can still smile like this makes him all the more precious to me. Someone to protect. Someone to cherish.
“Even then,” he promises. “I’ve always wanted you, Sienna.” His hands trace my curves, and the way his eyes follow his hands makes his point clear. “When you’re ready, you let me know. Until then, I’m more than happy to take this slow. I love what we have right now.”
Resting my forehead to his, I whisper, “I love what we have too, and I don’t want to mess it up. I don’t want you to feel like a rebound.”
And I really don’t want to break my own heart by falling in love with someone as great as him before I’m ready. When I bite my lower lip, worrying it, he kisses me and steals my lip away. Guy nips it far more gently than I did before placing another kiss to my earlobe. I’m already melting into him.
“Just remember, Sienna,” he whispers in my ear as those strong hands start to move. “I can’t be a rebound if I don’t give you back the ball.”
Chapter 20
They say what happens in a hot spring stays in a hot spring. As I sit across from Jess and Sanai at the coffee shop, buying Jess coffee as a thank-you for watching Emma, I’m tempted to start waxing poetic. Even hours later, I still feel the languid relaxation that comes from a man who knows what he’s doing.
And boy, does the man know what he’s doing.
“Okay, spill. You look like you have stars in your eyes.” Sanai grins at me from around the lip of her drink, and I know I’m busted. Sanai’s hired help is on the clock, giving her a chance to join us.
Jess leans forward, waggling their eyebrows. “Have we reached the actual honeymoon stage of your total-sham-but-actually-not-a-sham marriage?”
“There may have been a visit to Hot Toddy,” I admit. Jess sighs, their eyes glazing over dreamily, so I quickly add, “But it didn’t go—”
“Nope.” They stop me before I can finish my sentence. “Just let me have this moment to envision my best friend and her hunky new partner having the kind of romantic experience she deserves instead of the table scraps you were trying to make do with.”
I try and fail to smother my snicker, because Jess is right: sex with Micah was terrible by the end. But I know I never complained about it to them, so I arch an eyebrow.
Jess just smirks. “Can’t. Fool. Me.”
This time, I do laugh and tap my coffee cup to both of theirs. “Let’s just say this is not the same. No more table scraps. We’re dealing with…a full sandwich.”
“Like a couple slices of ham on rye or a full meatball hoagie?” Sanai asks as I try not to snort my coffee into my nose, and this time, they’re both grinning at me naughtily.
I’m not going to answer…but it’s really tempting to. “How was watching Emma?” I ask Jess instead.
“She’s adorable and twice as smart as anyone in this town, and unlike you, she gave me all the good gossip on you and Guy. Barley’s head over heels, isn’t he?”
“He’s a grumpy curmudgeon until she’s in the room, and he turns into a lovestruck puppy.” I smile thinking about my stepdaughter. “If any little girl deserves full-blown canine adoration, it’s her.”
“I see it, you know,” Jess says, breaking off a corner of the gingerbread scone we’ve been sharing. “At first, I thought you were making a really reckless decision, but I can see how easy it was to marry him. The boy has some serious puppy-dog eyes, and when you pair the two of them up, your stoic, take-one-for-the-team savior complex never had a chance.”
“I think there was a compliment in there somewhere, but I’m not sure.”
“We’re just saying Barley isn’t the only one hot on someone else’s heels,” Sanai adds cheerfully.
“For now, anyway.” When they both look at me askance, I sigh. “Things are getting complicated. I think Guy wants it to be a real marriage.”
“You’re a hottie.” Jess shrugs. “Can you blame the man for wanting sex?”
“No, I mean, I think he wants a relationship.”
“Well, duh.” I blink as Sanai openly laughs at me. “Please tell me you’re not this dense. All Emma talked about at the block party was how much she and her daddy like you. And while you were holding her, Guy could not stop staring. The boy is smitten.”
I drink my coffee and try to sort through the thoughts in my head. My friends wait, knowing sometimes it takes me a while before I know how to verbalize what I feel, even to them.
“Right now, he wants this,” I agree slowly. “But Emma could get a kidney any day now, God willing. I pray for it every night, because I want that for her and Guy more than anything. I have no illusions about why we’re married. I know it’s to help Emma, and it’s not fair for me to ask Guy to stay with me when all this was about saving his daughter. If I had feelings for him—”
Jess snorts. “Which you clearly do. Not that you’re admitting to it.”
I sigh, burying my head in my hands. “Okay, let’s say if I have feelings for him, it’s not right to push them on him. Not when a month from now, his nightmare could be over, and he could go back to his life the way they want it to be. He might want to be with me at Christmas, but by New Year’s, everything could change. I can handle annulling the relationship after knowing we got what we wanted and Emma is okay. But I know me. I know if I let this be too real…” I close my eyes briefly. “I’m just not ready to get divorced again.”
Sanai and Jess share a look, and then they each take one of my hands, giving me a chance to fight off the wave of hurt the thought brings up in me. And I know my friends held my hand through Micah, and they’ll hold my hand through Guy too. I just don’t want them to have to.
Taking a deep breath, I squeeze their hands, then lean back in my seat. “So yeah. That’s why I’m holding back.”
“So let me get this straight,” Sanai says. “You’re worried you’re falling for your husband.”
“Yes.”
“At Christmastime,” Jess adds, and I can see them trying to keep a straight face.
“Yep.”
“And you’re trying to decide if you should tell him before his daughter gets a kidney and they don’t need you in their lives anymore?” Sanai’s eyes sparkle with humor.
“Right-o.”
“So very Hallmark of you.” I roll my eyes but exhale a small laugh because Jess has got me there. “Sienna, why don’t you just tell him this?”
“Because that would be far more emotionally healthy of me than slugging copious amounts of caffeine.” I wrinkle my nose. “I just feel ridiculous. Like…okay, he does these exercise things at night, and I just stand there and stare at him like he’s the star quarterback and I’m the water girl with horse crap on my boots.”
“Which matches up with most of the people in this town. You won’t believe what we mop up in here,” Sanai says with a sigh. “Speaking of customers, Roman’s about to get overrun.”
A wave of teenagers are coming in, ruddy faced from holiday shopping, so Sanai gives us both hugs and disappears into the back.
I sneak the rest of Sanai’s piece of gingerbread scone before Jess can get it first.
“Can I ask you a question?” Jess says. “A real, just-be-honest-with-yourself question?” When I nod, they lean in on the table. “When you close your eyes and imagine what their life is going to be like once Emma gets her kidney, do you see yourself there? Her next birthday? Five Christmases from now? Are you going to be pulling up to my house with her every Halloween because I pass out the good candy, until she’s embarrassed to be seen with you? Do you want to still be sneaking up to Hot Toddy with this boy when you’re both old and wrinkly and sun-damaged, because we both know you never remember to use sunscreen? If you do, I’m here for it. I’ll make these two an emotional room in my life, because if they matter to you, they matter to me.”
“Micah didn’t get a room,” I remind them.
“He didn’t deserve a room. Boundaries are our friends.”
I don’t have to close my eyes to imagine the rest of my life with Guy and Emma. I imagine it all the time. “Yes. I just don’t know if they do.”
“Then, my friend, there’s only one person who can answer that, and it’s not me.”
***
Jess sends me home to think about what I’ve done. Namely not admitting to Guy how important he is to me. I’ve already texted him that I’m on my way, but as I pull off the main highway, I get a call from Guy.
My heart skips a beat as I see his name pop up on my dash, and for a moment, my body is back in the hot springs.
“Hey, you,” I say in greeting, smiling at the memory. “I’m crossing the bridge as we speak.”
“Did you close the gate after you left?” Guy says instead of his normal hello. He’s stressed, the kind of stressed I’ve only heard him be when Emma was involved.
“Is she okay?” I demand, muscles locking down instantly.
“Yeah, Em’s fine, but we went out to get a jump on chores before you got home, and I just found a cattle pen empty of cattle. I was about to drive down to make sure the front gate is latched.”
“The gate’s closed. Are you sure the herd aren’t on the far side of the hill? Sometimes they pack in tight by the clump of firs to get out of the wind. You might not see them unless you hike up there.”
I let myself through the gate, locking it behind me, and listen to Guy’s breathing deepen. My guess is he’s hustling to the top of the hill, not an easy feat through knee-deep snowdrifts.
“No, I don’t see them. I don’t see any fencing pushed over either—” He breaks off and lets out a low curse. “Sen, the gate to the pass is open. The small one. Could a cow get through?”
“A whole herd could get through if they wanted. It’s why I keep it double latched.”
I normally don’t drive on the lane very fast, but this time, I push my foot to the accelerator a little harder. When I park out front, I can see Emma playing at the kitchen table through the window. I give her a wave, then hurry around to where Guy is pacing on the porch.
The expression on his face is strained, and he’s clearly upset. “I don’t know what happened.” Guilt and self-recrimination fill his voice. “I’ve never even used that gate.”
“Stay with Emma,” I say as I give him a brief hug. “I’ll check it out.”
I start up the ATV and drive around the barn, out toward the cattle pen. Sure enough, my cows are gone. I don’t understand what happened because I distinctly remember double-checking the gate as Guy and I rode in today. Yet there it is, wide open, with all my income gone up the mountain. At least the newly fallen snow makes their trail easier to find. Even a herd as small as mine leaves a substantial swath of tracks. I check the gate for signs of damage, but it’s not only fine, the little backup chain is hooked properly to keep it held open. Then I notice a different set of tracks in the snow by the gate.
Very cute little snow boots with stars on the treads make those kinds of tracks, with Barley-sized paw prints right next to them. Partners in crime.
I return to the house, and Guy’s still on the porch, looking even more distressed. I hate what I’m about to ask him. “I noticed some boot prints by the gate. Was Emma over there this afternoon?”
“Yeah, when I was cleaning stalls. She was playing with Barley outside the barn, and I told her not to go any farther because the gate was within eyesight. When I was done, she came back, and we went inside the house to get warmed up. I never went to double-check the gate.” Guy sounds panicked as he closes his eyes. “Sienna, I never checked the gate.”
“I wouldn’t have either. She likes to build little snow people over there, and she knows not to open it.”
Guy looks sick as he turns back to the house. “I’ll go ask her.”
I catch his hand. “Take a beat first. Deep breath, then relax, because she picks up on you being upset. The cattle are out, there’s no changing it, and I don’t want her afraid of being around the animals because of this.”
Guy nods, then he turns back to me. He loops his arms around my waist, taking a slow, steadying breath. “Yeah, you’re right. Thanks. I needed that. I can’t upset her just because I’m stressed.”
