Fire, page 41
She turns over in bed and starts fumbling for the phone on the floor. Next to her, Minoo mutters something inaudible.
Linnéa checks the mobile.
It’s a text.
Can’t stop remembering that kiss. I want more. Wille
Linnéa gently puts the phone down.
Turns to lie on her back again.
If she wants a sign to indicate whether or not she has a chance to make it with Vanessa, well, there it is.
Linnéa shuts her eyes and two tears trail down her temples and disappear into her hair.
She is inside Vanessa’s body, but Vanessa seems further away than ever.
57
Vanessa walks slowly up the school stairs.
Anna-Karin’s body is heavy in a way that has nothing to do with weight. It feels as if her blood doesn’t flow. As if her feet don’t lift clear off the ground when she walks.
She had thought it would be difficult to pretend to be Anna-Karin and mimic the way she moves, but being in her body is enough. It becomes automatic. Anna-Karin’s spine protests when Vanessa tries to walk with a straight back. Her shoulders won’t give up their hunched position. The natural shape of her neck is being bent forward.
So Vanessa pushes her hands into the pockets of her duffel coat and walks along, her hair dangling over her face, to find Anna-Karin’s locker.
She doesn’t look at anyone. And no one sees her. It’s as close to being invisible as Vanessa has ever been.
Ida is waiting for her at the row of lockers. She holds up a sheet of paper covered in writing.
‘Minoo has mailed me lists of everything,’ she says and points to something in the middle of the mass of text. ‘Look, it says here which books we should bring to the first lesson.’
Ida has Minoo’s face. Minoo’s voice. But no way Minoo’s presence.
A shout echoes in the corridor.
‘Nessa!’
Vanessa automatically turns round. She sees herself, then how Evelina puts her arm around that other Vanessa. Notes Linnéa’s alarmed look in her own eyes.
‘What have you done to your hair?’ Evelina shrieks and kisses her cheek.
Linnéa drags her fingers nervously through Vanessa’s hair that flops around her head, flat and lifeless.
‘I simply didn’t have time this morning,’ Linnéa says.
And Vanessa wonders if her voice always sounds that squeaky.
How are they going to pull off an entire fucking school day? Not to speak of the trial, when they are subjected to the scrutiny of the Council?
Evelina and Linnéa wander off together down the corridor.
Vanessa wonders what kind of discoveries Linnéa has made about her body. She had a really bad time herself this morning in the shower. Had to shut her eyes in the end, because it felt far too intimate to handle Anna-Karin’s body like that.
Vanessa finds Anna-Karin’s books and locks up. She walks along the corridor and up the stairs, side by side with Ida. Neither of them says a word.
When they step into the classroom, it is only half-full. Vanessa and Ida look out over the empty seats and exchange a quick glance.
‘Did Minoo’s list say where she usually sits?’ Vanessa asks under her breath.
‘No,’ Ida replies. ‘But if Minoo has anything to do with it it’s got to be somewhere near the front.’
‘And Anna-Karin would go for a place near a wall, so she can sit squeezed up against it,’ Vanessa says.
There are only two free places that fit the bill and no one reacts when they settle down.
In the row of seats just behind theirs, Hanna A and Hanna H are whispering with their heads close together. At various points, Vanessa picks up names. Linnéa, Ida, Erik.
And, of course, Ida hears all this as well. She stares straight ahead and fingers the base of her throat, as if trying to touch her silver heart.
‘Good for Erik to get shot of that bitch,’ Kevin says when he and his crowd enter the classroom. ‘Everyone knows she’s frigid anyway.’
His mates laugh. Vanessa turns and sends Kevin a disgusted glance as he goes to sit down right at the back.
‘You got a problem? Just say,’ Kevin shouts.
‘I have nothing to say to you,’ Vanessa answers.
‘That’s dead right. Bo Hos should just keep their traps shut.’
Vanessa turns to face forward again. The classroom is slowly filling up and she makes the mistake of meeting Viktor’s eyes as he walks in. She tells herself it might be her imagination, but he seems to be baffled for a moment. Instantly, Anna-Karin’s palms become moist.
Viktor’s dark blue eyes scrutinise her in a way that makes Vanessa so nervous she has to look down. Her hair falls over her face. She feels very much like Anna-Karin.
‘Right. Everyone settle down now, please,’ a typical teacher’s voice says.
Vanessa looks up cautiously. Over by the teacher’s desk, a woman with spectacles is pulling a bundle of copied sheets from her briefcase.
‘Today, I’ve set an unprepared test on induction,’ she says and the students groan in unison.
‘You can’t test us on something we haven’t studied for,’ Kevin brays.
‘Oh, yes, I can,’ the teacher says and Vanessa thinks she sees a triumphant glint in her eyes. ‘That’s precisely why it is called an unprepared test.’
One of the question papers is plonked on her desk and Vanessa checks out the first page.
She understands nothing of what is written on it. Absolutely nothing. She says a prayer under her breath, begging Anna-Karin to forgive her.
Ida finds a seat in the dining area and looks herself over for the first time that day.
Anna-Karin has managed to match Ida’s black skirt with that old bulky red sweater that makes her look such a fatso. But Ida hasn’t the energy to care, not even a little.
She is far too conscious of the whispering in the dining area. Mostly about her, she knows.
She glances at the side room. Robin, Felicia, Julia and Kevin are there. But not Erik.
Please please please, let him stay at home today, she thinks.
Yesterday, she used Minoo’s computer to log into her account. Erik had not only ended their relationship, he had also cancelled her as a friend. Many others had followed his lead. That is, after they had posted foul comments about her on her wall. With plenty of relish. It seemed they had been wanting to say these things for ages but hadn’t dared until now.
And then, Anna-Karin phoned.
Ida simply listened. She couldn’t be sure that she would have acted differently. The mere thought of Erik fills her with greater terror than her old fear of the dark ever did.
She turns to the other Chosen Ones again. Drinks some water. Stares at the hand holding the glass. Her head goes into a spin every time she sees Minoo’s hands instead of her own.
‘I get a massive headache every time I try to figure out who is who,’ Vanessa says.
No, she didn’t, Ida quickly reminds herself. Linnéa said it. Linnéa, inside Vanessa’s body.
‘Actually, it’s my head that hurts,’ Anna-Karin says and giggles.
Of course, it’s Vanessa who says it. Vanessa inside Anna-Karin’s body.
Minoo stares at Ida from behind Linnéa’s eyes.
‘It’s so totally unreal. Like watching yourself in a movie.’
‘The most advanced 3D-film in the world, though. And then there’s this thing about being audience and actor at the same time,’ Anna-Karin points out. Or, rather, Vanessa does.
Ida reaches for her knife and fork, and then puts the cutlery down when she sees Minoo’s hands again. She won’t ever cope with this.
‘Ida,’ Linnéa’s voice says and Ida looks her way.
And once more has to remind herself that it’s Minoo who’s talking.
‘I think we’ll have to try to see ourselves as the people we really are. Or we’ll go crazy.’
Ida looks around the circle, at each one in turn. It can be done, with an effort. Although they’re trying to play the right roles, all sorts of small mannerisms reveal who they are.
‘We need to talk about what’s happened since we last met,’ Minoo says. ‘Has anyone suspected anything?’
‘Your cat hissed at me when I came home yesterday,’ Vanessa says to Anna-Karin. ‘But I don’t think it’ll tell on me. And I hardly saw your mother. She was at home, but in her room almost all the time.’
‘Both Frasse and Melvin know that there’s something wrong about me,’ Linnéa says.
‘Poor little Melvin—’ Vanessa says, but Anna-Karin interrupts.
‘Erik!’ she whispers.
Ida’s fear is mirrored in her face.
Anna-Karin sees Erik walking towards her.
His face is bright red and an angry flare has spread upwards from the neckline of his sweater and reached his prominent Adam’s apple.
She has often been afraid of Erik, but only seen him watch her with cold calculation in his eyes or else with a glimpse of amused excitement. Tormenting her has been one of his hobbies. At times, it has even seemed to have turned into a kind of dull routine.
At the tables near theirs, all talk is dying down.
Erik squares up to Anna-Karin.
‘Ida, what’s your problem?’
By now the entire dining area is silent. Some people stand up to see better.
‘Why do you want to sit with this lot of sad retards?’ Erik demands. ‘Like that filthy slag there. She’s been spreading rumours about me.’
Linnéa seems close to fainting. Vanessa reaches out across the table and takes her hand.
‘Answer me!’ Erik says.
Anna-Karin feels blocked. Her brain is unable to formulate a single thought. Let alone express it in spoken words.
‘This is your only chance,’ Erik says. ‘It’s all over if you don’t leave these losers now and come away with me. Get my drift? I’m not just saying it’s over between us. It’s all over for you.’
Anna-Karin looks at the real Ida inside Minoo’s body. Her eyes have grown huge and fearful. But she nods lightly at Anna-Karin.
Gives her permission.
Once, Anna-Karin made Erik pee his pants in front of the entire school. Now, she has no access to her magic.
But she has a new option. She can be Ida. And being Ida means being capable of saying whatever comes to mind.
‘Piss off, Piss-Erik,’ she says.
‘What the fuck did you say?’
His voice is so tense with fury that Anna-Karin’s instinctive response is to run away. She suppresses it.
‘You heard me,’ she says. ‘Surely you haven’t forgotten how you peed yourself when the whole school was watching?’
‘You have so lost it. You’ve gone mental,’ Erik says, turning an even deeper shade of red.
‘Not any more,’ Anna-Karin says. ‘It was being with you that screwed my mind up. You’re a psychopath. People like you ought to be locked up.’
‘If you believe that Julia or Felicia or anyone else will hang out with you ever again, you’re making such a fucking big mistake,’ Erik says. ‘No one will want to have anything to do with you now.’
‘What makes you think she cares?’ Ida says.
Erik swings round to face her.
‘Who the fuck are you? And who’s asked for your sodding opinion about anything?’
‘She doesn’t even love you,’ Ida continues. ‘She never has.’
‘So true,’ Anna-Karin says and Erik turns back to her. ‘You know why, don’t you? You’re so totally unlovable. There just isn’t anything to like about you. Not when you know who you are.’
Erik’s hands clench into fists and Anna-Karin is certain that he wants to hit her.
‘Go ahead,’ she says. ‘Just show everybody who you really are.’
Erik’s hands unclench.
‘You’ve made your choice, Ida. Now live with it. Best of luck, you’ll need it.’
He walks away. Around them, the talk immediately starts up again.
Anna-Karin looks at Ida.
‘I couldn’t have said it better myself,’ Ida mutters.
58
Walking through town as Linnéa is a strange experience for Minoo. She always wanted to try out an alternative style but never dared to look really different. Now she is wearing a skirt of black tulle covered with small, shiny metallic spiders that now and then clink against each other. Everyone is staring at her. A middle-aged man even shouted something after her. It sounded like ‘Has the circus come to town?’
‘How do you put up with everybody ogling you all the time?’ Minoo asks as they walk to the social services office.
‘It’s a fail-safe idiot test,’ Linnéa says. ‘An instant check on who’s a bigoted prat. The data is kind of depressing.’
The social services department is just a block along from the Engelsfors Herald office. Minoo has probably passed by hundreds of times, but never actually noticed. The name in black lettering on the white background doesn’t signify anything that matters in her life.
Linnéa stops outside the entrance.
‘Ready?’
‘As ready as I’ll ever be,’ Minoo says. ‘Anything else I should know about Diana?’
‘I feel like I don’t know a thing about her any more,’ Linnéa says. ‘She used to be on my side. I can’t think what’s changed her.’
‘Perhaps she’s under a spell,’ Minoo says. ‘Seems possible, now that we know they’re into magic at PE. And we also know that Helena hates you.’
Linnéa looks at Minoo through Vanessa’s brown eyes.
‘I hope so. I hope it isn’t Diana herself who’s doing this to me.’
Minoo nods. Eyes the door.
‘Feeling nervous?’ Linnéa asks.
‘Not at all. After all, it’s just your life that hangs on how this ends.’
Linnéa smiles faintly, pushes a large button to make the glass door swing open and leads the way in.
Minoo shyly observes the people they meet and tries to work out who are members of staff and who are clients. Then tells herself off for presuming that it will show in their looks.
They walk through a long corridor painted in a shade of avocado-green that makes people’s faces look mildly seasick. Then they stop at one of the doors. A white plastic sign says ‘Diana Ehn’.
Minoo knocks on the door and a woman opens it. Diana is younger than Minoo had imagined. But her face is deeply lined, as if she is constantly worried.
‘Hi there, Linnéa,’ she sighs.
Her tone of voice doesn’t bode well. Then Diana turns to the real Linnéa.
‘Vanessa has come along to give friendly support,’ Minoo explains quickly.
‘Sorry, but she’ll have to wait outside,’ Diana says.
‘Oh, come on—’ Linnéa says.
‘No problem,’ Minoo interrupts at once. ‘I’ll be fine.’
She follows Diana into her office. The door slams behind them.
‘Sit down,’ Diana says.
It sounds like an order and Minoo goes to sit down on the hard sofa. Diana bends over her desk. She examines Minoo intently. Minoo has to take off Linnéa’s fake fur coat because it suddenly feels like a live creature that is about to suffocate her.
‘I am utterly disappointed in you,’ Diana says.
‘Please, just let me explain …’
Diana shakes her head.
‘You’ve got to give me a chance to—’ Minoo says.
‘You missed your meetings with me,’ Diana interrupts. ‘You have thrown wild parties. Not to mention that hoax call to the emergency services. On top of everything, you’ve spread slander about the two boys. You should be grateful they haven’t charged you.’
‘I’m not trying to explain anything away. I just want to tell you what really happened.’
‘No.’
‘But—’
‘No more “buts”, Linnéa. You’ve done enough.’
Minoo feels frustration growing inside her. Suddenly, she understands why Linnéa is always so angry, why she always seems to think attack is the best defence.
But she mustn’t lose her temper. Her job is to try and sort this out for Linnéa.
‘It was a break-in,’ Minoo says. ‘And I know nothing about the false alarm call, it was a shock to me, too.’
‘You have to be out of that flat by Monday.’
Feverishly, Minoo racks her brain for arguments to back her case. All she can think of is a question.
‘Surely you can’t throw me out just like that?’
‘I can and I will. Also, you will be held financially responsible for any damages.’
‘But where am I supposed to live?’
‘We have been quite lucky this time. There is a place in a special home that has just been freed up. The home specialises in girls with behavioural problems. Initially, you have to stay in a closed ward. That is, until your behaviour has stabilised.’
Linnéa’s heart is beating madly now and Minoo feels sweat breaking out on her back. So, this is how a panic attack starts. She tries to breathe calmly, as Linnéa has advised her to do.
‘But you can’t have me locked up,’ she manages to say.
‘Of course I wish it wasn’t necessary, but you’ve brought it on yourself. Think of it as for your own good.’
‘I can stay with a friend,’ Minoo says. ‘I have someone in mind who I can ask straight away.’ She’ll persuade Dad to let Linnéa move in with them. And tell him what has happened. ‘I’ll be eighteen this summer. Let me stay with her until then, it’s only a matter of a few months.’
‘Is that the friend who’s waiting for you in the corridor? You party together, don’t you?’
‘No—’
‘Anyway, it’s out of the question,’ Diana interrupts. ‘This discussion is over.’
She leans forward and fixes her eyes on Minoo.
‘You are to present yourself here at nine o’clock tomorrow morning. If you don’t, the police will come and pick you up.’
A small pendant on a silver chain around Diana’s neck slips out from under the neckline of her T-shirt.
The pendant is the symbol of the metal element.
