Fire, page 13
‘All I wanted was to buy you an ice cream,’ Kevin beams.
‘OUT!’
It’s a howl from the abyss. Minoo fancies she can see Greenland grow larger.
Kevin gets up to go, but stops in the doorway and waves with his bandaged hand. Ylva almost pushes him out of the room. And locks the door.
‘Oh, my God, she’s gone totally hysterical,’ someone whispers loudly.
Ylva’s eyes search the room restlessly, but she can’t identify the whisperer.
‘Work independently for the rest of this lesson,’ she says and settles down behind the teacher’s desk.
Minoo stares at the squared notepaper in front of her. Ylva’s outburst makes her feel terribly embarrassed. She doesn’t care to begin to think what the rest of the school year will be like. Weak teachers can never keep order in class. But weak and easily provoked teachers create a special kind of chaos.
An eternity seems to pass before the bell rings.
Minoo is among the last to leave the classroom. Ylva sits at her desk, nodding rather stiffly as she says ‘Have a nice weekend’ to pupils who happen to look her way. Minoo feels sorry for her and smiles as pleasantly as she can. Ylva’s expression is so grateful it hurts.
Minoo goes with the flow down the stairs, then stops at her locker to collect the books she’ll need over the weekend. They make quite a pile. It seems true enough, what everybody said. The second senior year is a lot tougher than the first. She’ll need to bring a wheelbarrow to school sometime soon.
As she walks towards the main entrance, she catches sight of Gustaf. He is standing at the noticeboard with a colourful sheet of paper in his hand.
‘Hi, Minoo! I was just going to call you. Do you want to meet up this weekend?’
She is about to say yes, when she remembers tomorrow’s meeting in the fairground. The principal had mentioned ‘changes’ in the autumn. For all Minoo knew, it might mean lessons in magic throughout the weekend. Perhaps second-year magic studies are tougher, too. Besides, she needs more time to think about all that happened concerning Nicolaus.
‘I can’t,’ she says.
‘What are you going to do?’
Minoo herself would never have dared to say that to someone who said he or she was busy, in case it was a lie and the person simply didn’t want to see her. But Gustaf’s gaze is unsuspecting. He really is so amazingly … secure.
‘I’ve promised Mum to spend some time at home this weekend,’ she says.
‘What a pity. I was going to ask you along to this.’
He holds out the sheet of paper. It is the same advertising flyer that Minoo had noticed on the mat in Nicolaus’s hallway. ‘POSITIVE ENGELSFORS CENTRE OPENS THIS WEEKEND’ proclaims the text happily above a photo of peaceful-looking people watching a sunset. Minoo recognises the address. The shut-down library in the town centre. The invitation apparently includes food and music. And the statutory free balloons for the kids.
‘Where did you get this invite?’ Minoo asks.
‘My mate Rickard gave it to me. I’ve hardly seen him all summer. Frankly, I didn’t think he was interested in anything except football.’
‘Do you know what it’s really about? It sounds kind of … cultish.’
‘I don’t think so. Rickard tells me it’s great.’
‘How is it great? I mean, what do they do?’
‘I was going to find out. Aren’t you coming?’
‘I guess I’d better stay away. You know, so I can kidnap you and de-program you afterwards.’
She thought Gustaf would laugh, but he doesn’t.
‘After all, we talked about how this town needs something new to happen,’ he says. ‘And now there are people who’re trying to create something good. No need to be critical and suspicious all the time, right?’
Minoo is surprised at how quickly irritation flares up. It is the first time Gustaf has made her feel like this. As if he has suddenly overdone the things she normally likes about him.
‘No need at all, of course,’ she replies. ‘Of course one should believe the best about everyone and everything. It pays, doesn’t it, since the world is such a terrifically kindly, nice place.’
Gustaf stares at her and Minoo realises the impact of what she has just said. If there is one person who knows that the world is not a kindly, nice place, it is Gustaf. Gustaf, who watched as Rebecka, his girlfriend, fell from the school roof and was crushed against the yard tarmac. Who still believes that Rebecka took her own life.
‘Enjoy your weekend with your mum,’ he says and walks away.
She looks after him as he disappears in the crowd and wonders about what she just did. How she managed to ruin so much in such a short time.
Because she chases demons everywhere, why expect Gustaf to do the same? Who is she to judge him because he wants to see the light first, not the shadows?
19
‘G!’ Ida calls to him the moment she spots Gustaf coming out of the school.
So what if she sounds pathetic, she doesn’t care. The way she’s lurking outside school is so pathetic to begin with. There is something about Gustaf that makes her endlessly willing to crawl to him.
After seeing Gustaf and Minoo talking in front of the noticeboard, she instantly came along to stand here and wait. They seemed to be arguing. Ida has no intention of missing her chance.
Now that he is walking towards her, she has to force herself to stand still and not run to meet him.
There are times when she worries about being too demonstrative and scaring G off. And, at other times, about not having made it clear enough how she feels about him. How is he supposed to know? Especially now, when she’s going out with Erik?
But, whatever, she must hold on to being a winner. It’s the right attitude. One day, Gustaf will realise that he and she belong together. They are made for each other, he can’t stay blind to that for ever. All Ida needs to do is hang on and endure.
‘Hi, Ida,’ Gustaf says when he gets close.
He sounds weary and Ida’s mind starts churning so fast she can barely keep up with her own thoughts.
What was his row with Minoo about? Got to be a good sign – or is it? Maybe it’s a bad sign. If Minoo can make G this bad-tempered, doesn’t it mean that he cares for her seriously? Is he annoyed with Minoo, or maybe with someone else? What if it’s me? No, surely not, why would he be annoyed with me? Anyway, who doesn’t get irritated with Minoo?
Just now, Ida would give anything for Linnéa’s mind-reading powers. Then she would at last know what he really thinks.
‘Isn’t it great it’s the weekend now?’ she says.
As she speaks, she lets her fingers slide over her collarbone. Only lightly, not so that it looks kind of porno or sluttish. She has read somewhere that men like it when they catch women touching themselves, because it signals sensuality and self-confidence.
‘Yeah, it is,’ Gustaf mumbles.
It is so rare for the two of them to talk alone like this. She wants to savour every second. Stretch the moment as far as possible.
‘What are you doing? I mean, I know you have football practice, but apart from that?’
Does she come across like a stalker? Perhaps a little. But it shows that she pays attention to what he does and also how well she understands that his interests matter to him. Besides, Ida likes sport, too, especially football. So she obviously has the upper hand over Minoo.
‘Rickard and I planned to check this thing out,’ Gustaf says and hands Ida a flyer.
‘Oh, gosh, that’s so exciting,’ she says while she pretends to read it.
But she can’t get a single letter into her head; she is far too aware of his tanned arms and of his hands, which look masculine and somehow adult.
‘But I’m not sure I’m going,’ Gustaf adds. ‘We’ll see.’
‘Umm, exactly,’ Ida replies and twists the silver heart she wears on a chain around her neck. ‘I’ve rather a lot on, too.’
A bit further away on the schoolyard, a glimpse of a mass of black curls. Minoo is hurrying towards the gates. She glances quickly in their direction.
Fucking Minoo. Minoo, who has been allowed to kiss G. True, she actually kissed Max wearing a magic masquerade outfit, but still. Kissing a copy of Gustaf just once would be better than kissing a thousand Eriks a hundred thousand times.
Anyway, Minoo might well have been kissing the real G all summer long.
Could it be true, that story of Julia’s? That they were snogging down by the canal locks?
Ida can’t hold back. She must ask, must know.
‘Are you and Minoo an item … or …?’
Gustaf looks wonderingly at her.
‘Why do you ask?’
‘No special reason, it’s just that I heard …’
That you were snogging down by the canal locks.
‘… someone say you’ve been seen together in town. All I did was wonder a little.’
Before Gustaf can reply, she has realised that this is a mistake. He sighs.
‘Christ, this town … what can I say? Why does everybody have to keep an eye on everything and everybody all the time?’
‘It’s so true,’ Ida says quickly. ‘That’s what I said to the person who told me. To Julia. People ought to get a life instead of snooping on other people’s. Totally typical Engelsfors.’
Gustaf shakes his head and smiles at Ida. His smile seems pitying. Something is cut, deep inside her.
‘Have a nice weekend,’ he says and walks away from her.
‘And you!’ she calls out after him, a little too loudly.
Ida stands still, almost as if she was paralysed.
Gustaf never answered her question about Minoo.
A Knight Templar from Sweden rides across a desert landscape on a galloping horse. Ida is practically asleep; she has seen this film before and it was deadly dull the first time. Dad’s turn to choose, though, and he wouldn’t listen when she protested.
Dad moves around on his dark blue leather armchair. It creaks and moans. Mum hates that chair because it looks like an ugly bruise on the smooth white surface of their home.
Rasmus and Lotta are sitting on the sofa next to Ida. Off and on, one of them mechanically gropes around for another handful of popcorn from the bowl that says POPCORN on its side.
As usual, Mum is up and about, doing. She can’t bear to stay still and watch.
‘Carina, come back!’ Dad calls after her. ‘You’re missing the whole film!’
‘Coming!’ she shouts from the kitchen.
Rasmus gobbles a handful of popcorn, licks his hand thoroughly and reaches for the bowl again.
‘That’s repulsive,’ Ida says. ‘Dad, did you see what Rasmus did?’
‘Come on, folks. Quiet. Just watch the film.’
Rasmus sticks his tongue out at Ida. It is coated with tiny, sticky popcorn crumbs.
‘I think it’s boring,’ Lotta whines. ‘Nothing is happening.’
‘You only think that because you’re too small to understand,’ Ida sneers.
‘I’m not too small!’
‘No? Then you must be retarded, obviously.’
‘Will you put a lid on it!’ Dad says. ‘For God’s sake, it’s hopeless watching a film with females around. Won’t stop chattering, will they, eh, Rasmus?’
Rasmus looks pleased with himself, smiles and then licks his hand again with his eyes fixed on Ida. Dad doesn’t pay attention, of course.
Mum comes back and sits down. She places an accounts folder on her lap.
‘What’s going on?’ she asks. ‘Have they left Sweden yet?’
‘God, not again,’ Dad groans. ‘Either stay and keep your mind on the film, or stop asking questions about it.’
‘Sorry to trouble you, I’m sure,’ Mum says sourly.
She exchanges a look with Ida and both of them roll their eyes heavenwards.
‘Anyway, nothing’s happened,’ Lotta tells her. ‘The film is crap. They just talk and talk and ride and ride.’
‘You’re not to use that word,’ Mum says and starts leafing through the folder.
Ida suddenly realises that her mouth is dry. The room begins to revolve around her. She feels giddy.
Abruptly, she gets up and hurries to the bathroom.
‘Ida, what’s wrong? Are you unwell?’ Mum calls.
‘Do you have the grotty trots?’ Rasmus shouts and Dad laughs.
Mum protests. Ida barely has time to hear Dad explain that the lad made it sound quite comical, the way he said it.
She closes the door, locks it. Then sinks on to the floor.
The bathroom walls are rotating around her. This is beyond dizziness. It is like being in free fall. Ida presses the palms of her hands against the tiled floor in an attempt to hold on to the real world. But the other one, Matilda, will not leave her in peace.
Ida fights her.
I don’t want to be part of this. I don’t want to be part of this. I don’t want to be part of this.
She tries to draw strength from her anger and her hatred of what is being done to her.
Why should she always be the one who draws the short straw? Always! She was made to tell the truth, first by Anna-Karin in the fairground, and then again, with the truth serum. She was forced to wait alone in the dark when they broke into the principal’s house. And she collapsed in the Lucia procession, in front of the entire school. And she wasn’t allowed to join the others at their secret meetings. Rotten bullies, the lot of them. And why did she have to cope with the toughest, most humiliating of magic powers?
Leave me alone!!!
Glowing fragments dance in front of her eyes. Like sparklers.
Ida has lost. The uninvited guest, the familiar stranger, is forcing entry into her body.
A knock on the door. Dad’s voice speaks to her.
‘Ida, you’re not dying in there, are you? Your mother seems to think so.’
Ida shuts her lips tightly. Will not utter the words of the other.
Then the floor disappears underneath her.
She falls through chaos, hurtling towards a distant surface. She might be crushed against it or it might not exist at all. Her speed is too high. She smells smoke from a fire, feels the grief of the betrayed, feels love turn into hatred and, then, confronted by an inescapable fate, senses the panic of the hunted turn into resignation. And then the scorching heat comes at her, a sea of flames engulfs her and for a brief moment she feels the fire burn off her skin, crack it open and make the flesh beneath sear and bubble.
Ida tries to scream but her open mouth fills with fire.
The last thing she sees is the Book of Patterns surrounded by flames.
She smells peppermint quite strongly.
Ida opens her eyes. Her left hand holds a tube of toothpaste and the fingers of her right hand are sticky.
She is standing in front of the bathroom mirror.
Six letters are written on the mirror glass with neon-blue toothpaste.
DANGER.
‘Ida!’ Dad’s voice again and now he sounds anxious. ‘What are you doing in there?’
‘Go to hell!’ she screams.
Ida screams at her father, at the Circle, at Matilda who dragged her into the darkness and the fire, at her entire shitty, awful life.
20
The morning light filters through the lowered venetian blinds in Nicolaus’s living room. As Ida changes position on her wooden chair, one of the lines of light makes her blue eyes flash. Minoo wonders, not for the first time, and hardly the last, what goes on behind those eyes. Who is Ida really?
‘“Danger”? She couldn’t have been a little bit less precise, could she?’ Linnéa says.
‘Are you sure it was Matilda?’ Minoo asks.
Ida nods.
‘I hate that bloody bitch. Why can’t she go for one of you, just for a change?’
‘Come off it,’ Vanessa says. ‘I think she’s more to be pitied than you are.’
Ida snorts.
‘What do you think she tried to tell you?’ Minoo asks.
‘Search me! I know no more than you do. Of course I realise that she had a hard time while she was alive but, honestly, it doesn’t give her the right to invade me all the time! She had another go at me in the dining area, not too long ago but I managed to block her.’
‘You did what?’ Linnéa asks.
‘Excuse me, but I didn’t want to go ape in front of the entire school – not again!’
Linnéa groans.
‘All right,’ Minoo interrupts. ‘We know that Nicolaus warned us of “difficult times”. It seems Matilda is fearful, too. But we have no idea where the threat is coming from.’
‘Anyone else who guesses the demons have something to do with it?’ Linnéa says.
‘Perhaps we’d better ask her,’ Vanessa suggests.
‘Who?’ Minoo asks.
‘Matilda. Perhaps we should have a seance.’
Minoo stares at her.
They know already that the dead can contact the living. But the other way round, is it possible? And if it can be done, what will it entail?
Despite the heat, Minoo’s arms are covered in goose pimples.
Rebecka.
At the start of the summer, she had been convinced that Rebecka and Elias had left this world for good, that they were in the right place, wherever that might be. But what if it were possible to get in touch with them again? Perhaps talk with Rebecka? Just one last time?
It feels like a forbidden thought. But one she can’t leave alone.
‘A seance!’ Ida says. Her voice is shrill. ‘And of course you’ll expect me to volunteer as your ghost magnet?’
‘We haven’t decided anything,’ Minoo says. ‘We don’t even know how to.’
‘And the Book of Patterns is no help, as far as we know,’ Anna-Karin points out.
‘But there’s Mona Moonbeam as well,’ Vanessa says. ‘She’ll help, at least for as long as she gets paid.’
‘All right,’ Minoo says again. ‘Ida and Linnéa, you check the book just to make sure. Vanessa, you go to the Crystal Cave.’
‘Why do I have to …?’ Vanessa begins, but falls silent and sighs. ‘Yes, yes. All right.’
