Darling Girls, page 23
‘Sorry about that,’ Jessica said into the phone. ‘Um . . . yep . . . Okay . . . I don’t know . . . Hmmm.’
Usually Jessica sounded so authoritative and commanding when she was in business mode. Today she sounded . . . detached. Her posture was that of a teenager – slumped and uninterested.
‘Oh,’ Jessica was saying. ‘Ah . . . Okay.’ Then, as she noticed Alicia and Norah watching her, ‘Sonja, I’m sorry, but I . . . I can’t do this right now.’
Then without so much as a goodbye, Jessica ended the call.
‘What’s going on?’ Alicia asked.
Jessica waved her hand airily. ‘Work stuff. Too boring to go into. You’re right – it’s been a long day, and I’m tired. Let’s stay the night.’
‘I’ll get my stuff from the car,’ Norah said, heading for the door, presumably before Jessica could change her mind.
‘Are you sure you’re okay?’ Alicia asked Jessica.
‘I’m fine; I just need a good night’s sleep.’
‘All right,’ Alicia said. She could use that herself. ‘I’ll just call –’
‘Meera,’ Norah said.
‘Yes,’ Alicia said, surprised. ‘How did you know?’
‘No, I mean . . . Meera.’ She pointed.
Alicia turned to the doorway.
And there she was. In jeans and a trench coat, her hair pulled up in its signature messy bun. ‘Thought you could use a lawyer on the ground,’ she said, smiling. ‘Or a friend.’
The tears Alicia had been holding at bay all day didn’t stand a chance.
To Alicia’s relief, her sisters played it cool – even Norah. They greeted Meera, thanked her for recommending Anna, and refrained from commenting when Alicia suggested they go into her bedroom so they could talk (although Norah’s facial expression did speak volumes).
‘I can’t believe you came here,’ Alicia said, closing the door behind her.
‘Why not?’
Meera sat on the bed, while Alicia paced the room. She felt rattled by Meera’s unexpected arrival. Panicked. Thrilled. ‘Because . . . because why would you?’
Meera shrugged. She looked like a doll, with her long curled eyelashes, her high cheekbones, her bow lips. ‘Because we’re friends. That’s what friends do.’
‘Are we friends?’
It wasn’t like Alicia to be like this. She chalked it up to the emotion of the weekend.
Meera chuckled. ‘Sure. Stop pacing, would you? You’re stressing me out. Sit down.’
Alicia caught her reflection in the mirror on the wall. She was a wreck. She ran her hands through her hair to smooth it, but the effort proved staggeringly ineffective. Then she sat next to Meera on the bed, but her heart continued to race. It was Meera’s presence. Somehow it both comforted her and made her nervous simultaneously. Her knee began to jiggle. ‘Sorry.’
Meera laughed. ‘For God’s sake,’ she said, shaking her head. Then she leaned over and kissed Alicia on the lips.
45
JESSICA
After Meera and Alicia disappeared into Alicia’s room, Jessica decided to retire to her own. It had been a good idea to stay another night, she decided. It wouldn’t have been safe for her to drive with all these thoughts spiralling in her head – not to mention the Valium in her system. Sleep would give her some respite for a few hours. Under the circumstances, it was the best Jessica could hope for.
She lay on the scratchy bed linen and closed her eyes, trying to find an aspect of her life that she could focus on without feeling positively ill. There wasn’t one. It had happened so quickly – the unravelling of Jessica’s carefully structured life. Or had it? Perhaps it had been slowly falling apart for a while.
According to Sonja, the situation was looking pretty dire. Half-a-dozen complaints since yesterday, all about pills going missing from bathroom cabinets and bedside tables, and now Debbie was threatening to go to the police as well as the media. Normally Jessica would have run towards a disaster like this, desperate to get on top of it before it got on top of her. But today she didn’t have it in her. If she was honest, today she actually wanted things to implode – and to take her down – so she wouldn’t have to deal, to be responsible and hold it all together. Because then she would have peace.
At the edges of her consciousness, Jessica became aware of a hushed, disagreeable conversation taking place outside the cottage. A marital argument, perhaps. She and Phil rarely argued. They were polite – too polite. Maybe they needed to argue more. Connect more.
‘What is the matter with you?’ an irritated voice said.
Jessica couldn’t help but tune in. Even through her fog, someone else’s misery was a siren.
‘Dirk?’ the voice said. ‘Did you hear me?’
Jessica sat upright. It wasn’t just the name Dirk that had caught her attention; it was the person saying it. Miss Fairchild.
She got to her feet and crept across the room to peer through the window.
‘What was I supposed to think?’ Dirk said. ‘You lied to me.’
‘Oh, come on.’ Miss Fairchild laughed nastily. ‘Really? You’re really saying . . .’
Jessica didn’t hear the rest, because she was already striding out her door and into the living room. It may have been the Valium that stopped her from overthinking or panicking. Or maybe it was the fact that, even after all these years, Jessica was powerless to resist Miss Fairchild’s magnetic pull.
She threw open the cottage door. ‘What are you doing here?’ she demanded.
Dirk and Miss Fairchild turned to face her, clearly startled.
Miss Fairchild recovered first, a warm smile spreading across her face. ‘Jessica! What a lovely surprise.’
‘What are you doing here?’ Jessica repeated. She didn’t return the smile.
Dirk was already walking to his car, replacing his baseball cap on his head.
‘Dirk wanted to talk to me,’ Miss Fairchild said. ‘We decided to meet here. I didn’t know you were staying in this place.’
‘Why did he want to talk to you?’
Miss Fairchild shrugged, but Jessica saw a flash of irritation cross her face. She lowered her voice. ‘I think he might have a guilty conscience. Did you know he is a sex offender?’
Jessica nodded. ‘Our lawyer told us.’
‘She did?’ Miss Fairchild looked surprised. ‘What else did she tell you?’
‘None of your business,’ Jessica snapped.
It felt wrong, speaking to her former foster mother like that. For a moment, Jessica thought Miss Fairchild might reprimand her. Instead, she smiled. ‘It hurts to see you so upset with me, Jessica. I know the other girls don’t like me. I understand it. They had a terrible childhood and I was the scapegoat.’ She shook her head sadly. ‘But it was different with you and me. We were connected.’
Jessica raked a hand through her hair, losing her resolve. ‘We were.’
‘I’ve kept an eye on you, you know,’ Miss Fairchild continued, still smiling. ‘I couldn’t help myself. I’ve been so proud of your success. You must have heard me, cheering you along.’
Jessica stared at her. She felt both appalled and touched by what the woman was saying, and also strangely detached from it, as if it had nothing to do with her. Perhaps it didn’t.
‘I’ve been worried about you, too,’ she went on. ‘Addiction is common among foster kids. A way to escape the pain of abandonment.’
Now Jessica felt herself reattach to reality. Her expression must have given away her shock, because Miss Fairchild put a hand on each of Jessica’s shoulders.
‘Of course I know about it,’ she said. ‘I’m your mother, Jessica, in every way that counts. I know everything about you. I always have.’
Jessica stepped back, away from Miss Fairchild’s touch.
‘Don’t do that,’ Miss Fairchild said, stepping forward. ‘Let me help you, darling girl. Let me bear some of your load. Shh. It’s okay to cry. Let it out.’
She reached for Jessica again, and this time Jessica didn’t have the strength to back away. Instead, she surged forward into her mother’s arms and started to cry. How she wanted her mother.
More than anything, she wanted her mother.
46
NORAH
Norah was relieved when everyone retreated into their bedrooms so she could finally do the same. There, she lay in the middle of her bed, surrounded by dogs, and turned her mind to the subject she’d been avoiding all day.
Kevin had texted twice more, saying how much he was looking forward to her video. With the second message, he sent links of some examples he’d seen online. Norah had had to turn them off before she’d finished. She wasn’t a prude, but it was really quite repulsive. Some of it looked painful. The idea that it came from weaselly Kevin made it all the more repulsive.
It’s a transaction, she told herself. No big deal. And yet, somehow, she found she didn’t believe it.
I suspect your skewed idea of sex and its power stems from your childhood.
Her therapist’s comment had echoed loudly in Norah’s ears all day. Though she’d never admit it to Neil, she was starting to think he had a point. As a child, Norah had had very little power. She’d had to use every means at her disposal to keep herself safe, to have some agency in her life. It just so happened that ‘every means at her disposal’ meant sex and violence.
It was true that, as an adult, she had more tools in her kit. She had money – not a lot, but enough. She had food in her fridge. She had the dogs to protect her and her sisters to support her. In most situations, it was possible for her to do things differently from how she’d always done them. Pay for someone to do odd jobs for her. Tell people to go away rather than hit them. Save sex for – what had Neil said? – mutual pleasure. After those few moments with Ishir and the dogs that afternoon, it was certainly an idea that she could get behind – in the future. But in the meantime, she had a problem she needed to deal with right now. And once again, like in childhood, she was powerless.
She pushed the dogs off her and sat up. The room was small and devoid of props, but she pulled the throw rug from the bed and arranged the pillows on top, propping up her phone on the coffee table. Then she stripped off and sat down. The dogs were watching curiously from the bed.
‘A little privacy, please?’ Norah said.
They all ignored her, of course.
‘Guys,’ she said. She’d thought she was speaking in her usual conversational tone, the same tone she used when they’d eaten one of her shoes, or killed the neighbour’s rabbit. Instead, it came out scratchy, pitchy, rising into a squeak like someone starting to cry.
She was, she realised, starting to cry.
By the time she’d noted her own tears, the dogs were already getting up off the bed and circling around her on the floor, before pressing their great hefts against her comfortingly. It only made things feel more hopeless. She began to sob in earnest, her entire body heaving with it. ‘Stop it,’ she said to the dogs. ‘Stop comforting me. I have a video to make and I can’t do it with you three lying on the set.’
She wiped her face with her forearm and stood. She’d have to let them out. It was better for everyone if they didn’t have to see what she was doing. She stepped into her jeans and T-shirt, and walked through the living room. The moment she opened the front door of the cottage, the dogs burst out into the night in search of nocturnal animals to torment.
Norah was about to shut the door again when she saw them.
Miss Fairchild. And Jessica. Hugging.
47
ALICIA
Meera’s skin was baby-soft. She smelled of oranges. It was madness, how good it felt to kiss her. Better than anything Alicia had ever felt.
‘I can’t believe you came here,’ she said between kisses. ‘How did you know I needed you? I didn’t even know I needed you.’
Meera smiled. ‘Who said I knew? Maybe I needed you.’
She started to undo the buttons on Alicia’s shirt. ‘Is the door locked?’ she asked.
Alicia nodded, then grabbed the remote control and turned the TV on. ‘To block out the noise.’
Meera laughed. ‘Your poor sisters.’
She climbed onto Alicia, kissing her playfully. Then Meera lifted her hips, and Alicia helped pull off her jeans.
‘Alicia,’ Meera said when they were naked, their bare legs intertwined. ‘You are so fucking gorgeous.’
Alicia’s kisses slowed. ‘No I’m not.’
Meera pulled her closer. ‘You are. You know that, don’t you?’
Alicia shook her head.
‘There are so many great things about you,’ Meera said, her mouth travelling around Alicia’s body. ‘You’re funny . . . you always do what you say you will . . . you enjoy feedback, even if it’s not positive . . . you speak up, when no one else is prepared to . . . you care about vulnerable people . . .’ Her mouth was on Alicia’s breast now. ‘You have amazing breasts . . . particularly this one. To be honest, it’s my favourite breast.’
Meera rose up to kiss Alicia’s lips, then stopped short.
‘Al,’ she said. ‘Why are you crying?’
‘Shit.’ Alicia wiped at her face. ‘Shit, sorry.’
‘Don’t be sorry,’ Meera said. ‘Just tell me what’s going on.’
But Alicia was already sitting up, retrieving her shirt from the floor. ‘Nothing. I just . . . I can’t do this.’
As she pulled on her clothes, Alicia hated herself. She should have known this would happen. She couldn’t have a normal relationship. She was an idiot to get swept up – and, worse, to allow Meera to think something could happen between them.
Meera pulled her own clothes on and sat silently on the bed beside Alicia.
‘I can’t talk about it,’ Alicia said, pre-empting Meera’s questions.
Before Meera could respond, there was a knock at the door.
‘Alicia?’ It was Norah.
‘Not now, Norah,’ Alicia called.
‘I’m sorry if you’re having kinky lesbian sex, but it’s an emergency.’
‘Norah,’ Alicia replied. ‘For God’s sake –’
The door opened. Guess it wasn’t locked after all.
‘I said it was an emergency,’ Norah told her. ‘I need you to come out here. Now.’
48
NORAH
After rousing Alicia and Meera, Norah flew back outside and ran towards Jessica and Miss Fairchild.
‘Get your hands off her!’ she cried, breaking them apart with such force that Miss Fairchild hit the stone wall of the cottage hard. Jessica would have fallen backwards in the opposite direction had Norah not caught her elbow and righted her.
‘You violent little thug!’ Miss Fairchild gasped. She sounded winded. ‘You can’t help yourself, can you?’
Norah was also out of breath. She tasted bile. She looked at Jessica, who was teary and shamefaced. It was hard to tell from her expression if she was happy or sad to have been interrupted.
Alicia and Meera emerged from the cottage. ‘What the hell is going on?’ Alicia demanded.
Miss Fairchild hesitated. The presence of Meera had rattled her, Norah realised. She’d always had different personas for outsiders, and it was funny watching as she floundered, unsure which mask to wear.
‘I was talking to Jessica when Norah assaulted me – again.’
‘I was protecting Jessica,’ Norah said. ‘Miss Fairchild was hugging her!’
Alicia’s gaze moved to Jessica. She looked as appalled as Norah felt.
‘Jessica didn’t need protection,’ Miss Fairchild said. ‘She was just fine – weren’t you, Jessica?’
They all looked at Jessica, who gaped back at them like a little girl.
Alicia walked over and put an arm around her shoulders.
‘I think you should go, Miss Fairchild,’ Alicia said.
Miss Fairchild held her hands up, perhaps in an attempt to appear reasonable for Meera’s sake. ‘Listen. I know things ended badly between us, but don’t you think this could be an opportunity – now that we’ve been brought back together again after all these years?’
‘Yes,’ Alicia said. ‘It’s an opportunity for us to get justice for Amy.’
Norah came to stand on Jessica’s other side. Miss Fairchild watched them, her face twisting bitterly. ‘For God’s sake, when will you girls ever let up about Amy? The police already decided she was nothing but a fantasy.’
‘When they identify the body as Amy’s,’ Norah said, ‘which they will, when the coroner sees her extra toe, you’re going to have some explaining to do.’
‘Except they won’t identify her – because it’s not Amy.’ She sounded so sure of herself.
‘Who is it then? Some other child you killed?’
Miss Fairchild took a breath, as if suddenly overcome by emotion. ‘Do you really think I’d kill a child? What kind of monster do you think I am?’
She looked to Jessica for help. The fact that she expected support from Jessica after everything she’d done filled Norah with sudden rage.
‘What I want to know is how you knew to get rid of Amy that day,’ she said, narrowing her eyes at Miss Fairchild. ‘Did you know we were planning to report you, or was it just a coincidence?’
‘Oh.’ Miss Fairchild’s gaze flicked to Jessica, and for a moment she seemed almost amused. ‘You didn’t tell them?’
Jessica’s cheeks flamed. Norah wasn’t sure what was going on, but she took a protective step in front of her sister.
‘You girls always seemed so perplexed when I knew things,’ Miss Fairchild continued, seeming happier now. ‘Meanwhile, the school was always going on about how smart you were, Norah!’
Norah glanced back over her shoulder. Jessica’s head remained down.
‘I had an informant, of course. Jessica told me everything. Everything. Right up until that final day.’
‘What?’ It took Norah a moment to reframe her memories. And then she realised: it was obvious. All the little things that no one knew but the three of them. Of course Jessica told her. How else could she have known?
