Memories, page 18
“Stay?” Dearne muttered.
Will closed his eyes and kissed his temple again. “Always.”
Dearne cried out again, clutched at his head, and went limp in Will’s arms. Will struggled to hold him up as he became a dead weight, and both Lady Araminta and Miss Rose rushed to help him. Between them they laid him on the rug in front of the fireplace.
“Maxie, Maxie,” Lady Araminta said, her voice shrill with fear. Dearne didn’t move.
Will bent over him and felt at his pulse. It was strong but fast. Far too fast. He shook him, but there was nothing. It was just exactly as he was when Miss Rose had first dropped him at the cottage.
“Dearne,” Will whispered. “Come on, Flash,” he said, shaking him gently.
Nothing.
“Maxim?” Will’s voice was barely a croak as he held back a wave of naked emotion.
All three stared at the motionless body on the floor. Will was the first to move.
“Help me get him into bed,” he said, unbuttoning Dearne’s waistcoat.
“What is it? What has happened to him?” Lady Araminta said, her voice shaky as she pulled off his shoes and stockings. Miss Rose turned back the blankets on the bed and then came back to help.
Will swallowed and couldn’t look at either of them when he spoke. “I hit him.”
The words were hammer blows in Will’s head. How could he have done it? How could he have believed for a second Dearne was untrustworthy, and how could he have been so unspeakably stupid as to hit a man already suffering from a head injury.
“Hit him?” Lady Araminta stopped what she was doing and stared incredulously.
Will glanced at her and looked away.
“Because you thought he had stolen your money?”
“And your money,” Will corrected.
“Even so, do you not think that was a little…”
“Yes.” He cleared his throat. “Leave his shirt. It will serve as a nightshirt.” Will started to unbutton the falls of Dearne’s breeches and then hesitated. Lady Araminta turned her back, and so did Miss Rose. Will quickly divested him of his breeches and then pulled down the shirt, making him relatively decent. As before, He got hold of one arm, tucked his shoulder beneath his armpit, and heaved him up, and managed to get Dearne’s frighteningly unresponsive body onto the bed. He pulled the blankets up and stroked the hair from his face.
“Talk to me, Dearne,” he said softly. “Talk to me. Please?” He took Dearne’s hand and leaned over to kiss him, but then jerked back as he remembered he was not alone.
“Mr. Marsden, please do not feel you have to hide your feelings for Captain Dearne from us,” Miss Rose said, and put a hand on his shoulder.
Will’s heart felt like it missed a beat, and his cheeks heated instantly. His first response was a strong denial, but as he was sitting there, holding Dearne’s hand, it would be pointless to deny it. When, added to the fact they had witnessed the passion between them, a denial seemed completely ridiculous. What he didn’t understand was why they were so understanding and tolerant of his deviance.
“Why aren’t you throwing me out?” he said, bringing Dearne’s hand to his lips and then holding it against his cheek.
“Because we understand falling in love isn’t always easy, and doesn’t always conform to society’s expectations,” Miss Rose said.
He looked up at Lady Araminta, and then back at Dearne. “I’m not in love,” he whispered, unable to drag his eyes from Dearne’s unresponsive face.
“Of course not.” Lady Araminta’s words were gentle.
“Would you allow me to stay with him until he wakes? I swear on my life after that, I will leave.”
“There is no need for you to leave on our behalf, Mr. Marsden,” Lady Araminta said. “The only reason you need leave is if Maximilian requests it.”
Will nodded. “I will stay with him tonight. He has nightmares, you see, terrible nightmares. I think they may be of the war, but he needs me when he wakes that way.”
“We will make sure you are undisturbed,” Lady Araminta said. “Do you mind if I wait with you a little?
“Of course not.”
Miss Rose brought two chairs to the bedside and Will and Lady Araminta sat in them. “I will procure some refreshment,” Miss Rose said, and left quietly leaving Will with Lady Araminta.
They sat in silence for some time. It was Will who broke it. “I owe you an explanation,” he said, linking his fingers with Dearne’s.
“Nonsense. You owe me nothing. If, on the other hand you would like to talk to me about the situation you find yourself in then I am entirely at your disposal.” She smiled at him. “Not that I am infernally nosey, of course,” she said and Will had to smile. She was so like Dearne. When his emotions threatened to overwhelm him, she made him smile. Just like Dearne did.
So he told her and the words just came tumbling forth. He found himself starting at the very beginning when he had found he was attracted to boys not girls, to what happened with his father, to his years of struggling to save enough money to establish himself, right to the current day. He left nothing out. Nothing at all.
“I thought I had my temper under control,” he said, rubbing his thumb absently over the back of Dearne’s fingers. “When I was younger things…crowded in on me and if I couldn’t get away to think I always ended up lashing out. It was like the feelings were too overwhelming for me to deal with and…” He shrugged. “I can’t remember the last time I lost my temper and lashed out like that.” He thought for a moment. “Probably because since I left I’ve not really been around people much, and if I have it has been in a way which I can get away from it before the pressure gets too much.”
“Well, it has been an eventful couple of weeks.”
Will smiled weakly.”
Araminta smiled at him. “If I might ask, was your father a good man, apart from his terrible treatment of you?”
It was an odd question, but he gave it some thought. “Yes. He was.”
“Do you imagine he was trying to do what he thought was the best for you?”
Will thought about that. “But it wasn’t for the best.”
“I know that, and you know that. If your father had never felt an attraction to someone he shouldn’t then perhaps he could not understand. Perhaps all he saw was that, unless you gave up your interests, you might hang?”
Will frowned.
“Perhaps he was trying the very best to do what was right. He got it dreadfully wrong, but…” She shrugged.
Will had never thought of it that way. His head was beginning to hurt.
“You are very perceptive.”
“Only because I understand,” she said with a smile. “I know what it is like to love someone who the whole of society would disapprove of.”
“You do?”
“Indeed I do.”
The door opened and Miss Rose returned with a tray of tea. Lady Araminta stood and helped her with it making Will embarrassed he had not done so. He went and helped as best he could.
“Was he far beneath you?” Will asked, carrying on their conversation.
“Not he, Mr. Marsden, she.”
It took several moments of staring stupidly before what she was saying registered in Will’s head. When Lady Araminta took Miss Rose’s hand and kissed it the penny dropped and Will flushed.
“Oh,” he said. Not exactly original, but all he could manage in the circumstances. Miss Rose unbent a little and sent Lady Araminta a fond look. He smiled when Lady Araminta winked at her.
“Do you think we should inform Holbrook the Captain is unwell?” Miss Rose said, retaining he firm hold on Lady Araminta’s hand.
“Absolutely not.” Lady Araminta shook her head. “I don’t want to give him even the smallest chance at hurting him.”
“I am in agreement,” Will said. “I will remain with him all night and if there is no change by morning then we can call a physician and make sure we stay with him to keep him safe.”
They all nodded. “Would you like some tea, Lady Araminta?” Will said, gesturing to the tray Miss Rose had brought.
“Perhaps you should just call me Araminta?”
Will smiled and nodded. “Will,” he said to them both.
“Rose,” Miss Rose said and, letting go of Lady Araminta, stuck out a hand. Will shook it.
Araminta poured the tea whilst Will sat on the bed with Will. “Can you hear me, Flash?” he said softly. Dearne was pale. His freckles stood out, and there were dark shadows beneath his eyes. Emotion clogged his throat. If anything happened to him…
Rose put a cup of tea on the bedside table for him. He swallowed and nodded his thanks.
“This is just how he was when you brought him to Denton.” Will ran his hand over Dearne’s head. “So still.”
Both ladies took the seats placed by the bedside so Will settled himself beside Dearne.
“Is Holbrook in dire straits?” Will asked after a while.
“He’s a dreadful nip farthing,” Araminta said, “but I don’t think he is exactly being dunned.”
“That’s what I don’t understand. Why would he break the law by selling property that was not his? If he needed money, I am sure he has assets he could dispose of.”
“Who knows what goes on in the male mind? They are a strange bunch. Present company excepted, of course.”
Will smiled. “Thank you.”
“He did seem genuinely moved to find Captain Dearne alive,” Rose said, taking a sip of her tea.
“What about Augustus?” Will said.
Araminta rolled her eyes. “Wouldn’t have the gumption is my guess.”
“He does run up some dreadful gambling debts though,” Rose said. “Last year Holbrook had to bail him out before things got nasty.”
Both women nodded. Will didn’t think Augustus would have it in him to harm Dearne. If fact, the boy seemed quite attached to him.
“Once Maxie is recovered we need to go to York to see his solicitor. Find out who sold Denton and then at least we can begin to unravel what went on,” Araminta said.
“Is it worth sending a letter to his solicitor once he wakes and can write?”
Both women nodded. They finished their tea, and Lady Araminta stood. “We will retire. Should you need us in the night, come straight to my room.”
Will raised his eyebrows.
“It would enhance my reputation among the servants enormously,” she said, and Will managed a soft laugh.
* * * *
Will stripped off his coat and waistcoat and then removed his shoes and stockings and his breeches. He sat on the bed beside Dearne and unwound his cravat, and then slid beneath the coverlet so he could lay beside him. He laced his fingers with Dearne’s and held his hand. When they had been at Denton and Dearne was insensate, he had been able to hear. Will recalled he remembered his name so he must have at some level been able to hear.
“Can you hear me?” he said, softly. Will turned his head to look at him. Dearne lay on his back, unmoving. His red hair was dark against the white of the bed linen, and his features soft in repose.
“I’m sorry.” Will lifted his hand and kissed his fingers. “I am sorry I accused you of stealing, sorry I hit you and sorry…well, I’m sorry.” Will waited, but there was no response. No flicker of awareness, no movement, no squeeze of the hand; nothing. Will was shocked to find he had an enormous lump in his throat and pressure behind his eyes.
“There’s never been anyone like you,” he whispered, ignoring the way his chin quivered. “Never. It frightens me. Things frighten me and I have to…run before it all gets out of hand and I wind up lashing out.” Will had to breathe in and out a few times before carrying on. “I lashed out and…” He swallowed before he carried on. He needed to say it because he knew if Dearne was awake he wouldn’t be able to speak. “It’s always been that way. Things build up in my head and I run. If I can’t run, I lash out.” Will closed his eyes against the moisture which threatened. He had never admitted that to anyone before his talk with Araminta, there had never been anyone he cared enough about to examine his feelings. Examining one’s feelings, he discovered, was…painful. He rubbed at the lump lodged in his chest and shifted closer to Dearne so their legs touched and Will could rest his cheek on the curve of his shoulder. He lay like that for a long time until his eyes eventually closed.
* * * *
Running. Dearne was running as fast as he could across uneven terrain, boots slipping as he went. He needed to run faster. Faster. Faster, but then he fell. Rolling, tumbling in filth and mud and blood and when he came to a stop he was covered. Covered by bodies, bodies…bodies…He opened his mouth and screamed.
* * * *
Will jumped, dragged from his light sleep as Dearne began thrashing about in the bed.
“Will. Will…” His voice was a hoarse, ragged scream with little volume. He rolled away from Will and rocked himself, keening and sobbing Will’s name.
Will wrapped his arms around him, pressing his chest to Dearne’s back, leaning over him to whisper in his ear. “Hush, I’m here. I’m here. I have you.” He held him tightly and rocked him until the torturous breathing steadied, and some of the tension left him.
“Will?” he whispered.
“Here. Always here.” Will tugged until Dearne rolled, and then he surged over Will, laying his head on Will’s chest and wrapping his arms and legs around him, holding tight. So tight in that warm embrace.
Will sank his fingers into Dearne’s hair and held him close, burying his face in those glorious red locks. “Got you,” he murmured. “Got you.”
Dearne’s body went limp and heavy with sleep and Will moved as much as he dare to get into a comfortable position without disturbing him. The position was so familiar to him now. At some point during each night, Dearne had a dream and then wrapped himself around him and they went back to sleep. Will wasn’t sure how he would manage to sleep without Dearne’s warm, hard body pressed against him. He kissed his head, and breathed in that warm, familiar scent of him and stared into the darkness. What would he do if Dearne wanted nothing more to do with him?
Chapter 21
Will opened his eyes and found himself laying face to face with Dearne. Much as he had done all those days ago. Dearne was sleeping peacefully. Last time they had woken in this way Dearne had shocked him by leaning over and kissing him. He wondered if he would kiss him this time.
Will reached out and touched his face with the backs of his fingers. “Dearne? Can you hear me?”
He moved a little and hope fluttered in Will’s chest. “Maxim?” he tried. “Flash?”
Dearne’s eyes twitched as though his eyes were moving beneath the closed lids. Will moved closer, slid his fingers behind Dearne’s ear and cupped his face in one palm.
“Wake up,” he whispered. “Wake up.”
Dearne’s eyes flickered and then opened. He blinked a few times and they lay, staring into each other’s eyes.
“Welcome back,” Will whispered, half afraid.
Dearne didn’t speak, he just looked at him.
Will wondered if he, too, remembered the first time they had awoken this way. He leaned forward and gently, awkwardly, kissed him on the mouth. Dearne was unresponsive for a moment, and then cautiously, he kissed him back. Relief spread through Will, warm and welcome as he deepened the kiss and Dearne responded. Will moaned softly and shifted to roll Dearne onto his back, but then those warm, hard lips were gone. Will opened his eyes and Dearne was frowning. He pushed at Will’s shoulders and rolled him backwards.
“You hit me.” His voice was raspy.
Shame deepened the colour on Will’s cheeks. “I did.”
Dearne cleared his throat. “You think I stole your money.”
Will closed his eyes and shook his head. “I know you didn’t.”
“Well, you certainly thought I had when you came in here shrieking like a banshee.”
“Dearne…”
“And why the hell are you in my bed?” Dearne pushed away from him even further and sat up. Immediately he grabbed his head and groaned. “Christ, what the hell did you hit me with?”
“My fist. I’m sorry.”
“So you bloody should be.” Dearne was rocking and holding onto his head.
“I’m glad you remember. I was worried I might have damaged your memory even more.”
Dearne shot him a glance. “I remember perfectly. For some reason you appear to have decided I am untrustworthy. I did not take the money.”
“I know.”
“I can’t prove it.” Dearne said, moving his head this way and that as if trying to settle it on his shoulders.
“You don’t need to.”
Dearne stopped moving and looked at him. “Thank you.”
Will didn’t know what to say.
“Well, I’ve had enough of this,” Dearne said, swinging his legs over the side of the bed and testing his balance. He only teetered a little, and then he stood tall as he stretched and then shook his head as if testing himself further.
He blinked a few times and wagged his jaw before speaking. “I’m getting dressed and having this out with Holbrook,” he announced.
“Very well, but let me tell Araminta and Rose you are awake. They’ve been dreadfully worried.”
Dearne raised an eyebrow.
“I will be back directly. Please don’t do anything until we have spoken to them.”
Dearne huffed something undecipherable so Will grabbed a robe laying on a chair, wrapped it around himself, and set off to Araminta’s rooms. He was so damned relieved Dearne was unharmed.
He tapped on the door, having checked there was no-one about. The door opened, and Araminta dragged him inside.
“What? What is it?” she said, worry etching her lovely features.
“He’s awake, and he seems to be fine.”
“Oh, thank God,” she said, and slumped a little, so he patted her awkwardly on the shoulder.
“You need to come and speak to him though. He intends to go and confront Holbrook.”
“Dear Lord, will that boy never learn?” She pulled her robe tighter around her and squared her shoulders. “Come, we will talk to him.”
