Heir, page 7
part #5 of Ressaline Series
“Frankly, Your Highness, that’s bullshit.”
“Excuse me?” I asked frostily.
“Diplomats don’t say bullshit.”
“You’re doing this on purpose!”
“Yes, and no. I did not intentionally irritate my future queen. I did momentarily speak quite plainly, which is my typical style.”
“Perfect.”
“Oh, I don’t think so,” she said. “I spoke plainly, and your tone grew colder. And now you’re clenching your hands, and you are quite clearly offended I am not in a curtsey apologizing for my rude behavior.”
I stared down at my hands.
“Your Highness,” she said. “I have never, ever claimed to be a proper diplomat. My previous appointment was to lead rough groups of men, with a few women, to evaluate and repair roads, bridges, and other portions of our infrastructure. I am very good at it. The skills required fall into two categories. First, I must understand the engineering. I must myself know how to build and repair bridges. That in itself is a very large topic, and I could spend hours describing the requirements, and years teaching them. The other category is that I must lead groups of strong, usually rough men. Do you think I say pretty please? Do you think I lead them by batting my eyes at them and kindly asking them?”
“What has that to do with anything?”
“That is the person your father sent here. It seems I am good at solving problems. That is also a large part of my former duties. But I have never been a member of high society. I have never had personal servants of any sort. Nor have I been a personal servant. I still have no idea what a lady-in-waiting does. I had vague ideas what a personal maid does, and your sister taught me more, but when it came time to dress, she helped me and then others helped her. I am a stranger to the world you take for granted.”
“None of that explains why you refused to use my name. I told you-” I broke off then stood and walked away, moving to stare out the window. She didn’t stand as well, which irritated me, on top of my existing irritation.
“Perhaps, Princess, we should address one small part. You said I am the only one who believes I am the wrong woman for this job. That is patently false. You are angry with me, and I don’t know how to fix it. I didn’t do it intentionally. Anyone you normally deal with wouldn’t fall into whatever trap I did. That by itself is evidence I have no business here. But let’s bypass that. Perhaps I am wrong, and I am the right person for other reasons. However, you stated I was the only one who doubted me. I imagine, if you were to query nearly anyone currently working for the foreign service, they would overwhelmingly tell you I received this position through connections, not qualifications. I imagine nearly everyone who thinks about it at all would agree with that.”
I spun to her. She shrugged. “Tell me I’m wrong.” I said nothing. She waited. “You asked me to speak plainly, to advise you. And when I told you that you were wrong, doing so plainly and in my fashion, you became exceedingly angry.”
I spun back to the window, and then neither of us spoke for the next several minutes. But finally, I said, “You were amused that I was surprised by the size of your staff.”
“I don't know what you expected. I thought you were already aware we were a small delegation. I would rather have thought your sister would have told you practically everything, but maybe you didn’t talk. If not, that’s your failure, Your Highness.”
I spun to her. She was looking at me calmly. “You don’t seem to mind making me angry.”
“I don’t take pleasure from it,” she replied.
“I think you’re doing it intentionally! You’re trying to alienate me.”
“No, Your Highness. I’m doing exactly what you told me to. Your anger is your problem, not mine. You don’t like it when people speak plainly.”
“You just called me a failure. I’m fairly certain few people would thank you for it.”
“No, Your Highness. I did not. I said if you didn’t milk your sister for everything she could tell you, it was a poor choice on your part. I used the word failure to tell you just how poor a choice that was. You should have spent hours grilling her. Why in the world did she come first if not to give you as much advance knowledge as she could? To find you expected maids? Did you even say ‘hello’?”
“Yes, we said ‘hello’!” I spat.
She folded her arms and leaned back, quite insolently. “Tell me I’m wrong. Explain it to me, Your Highness. Be a leader. Instruct the woman who has admitted, loudly, clearly, and to anyone who would listen she doesn’t belong here. Or I can summon one of the couriers, and you can advise your father to recall me. Maybe you can knock some sense into him.”
“That’s why you’re doing this! You don’t want to be here.”
“Oh, please. I don’t want to leave. Ever. I like the way I’m treated here. I’ll never have duties inside Flarvor where I’m treated half as well as I’m treated here, and I get to live in a mansion besides. My quarters here are larger than any household I’ve ever kept, and that’s just my personal space. Why would I ever want to leave?”
“Then why…” I trailed off. She was doing everything wrong.
“Why, what?” I asked. “Why am I speaking the plain truth?”
“You’re wrong!”
“About what? Explain it to me.”
“You are infuriating!” I turned back to the window.
“I’ve been called far worse,” she said. Her calm tone didn’t help my own mood. How could she be so calm?
She gave me a minute and then asked, quite gently, “What is making you most angry?”
“I am standing. You should be standing.”
“You are angry because I am not following the rules of court?”
I spun back to her. “Yes.”
“This isn’t court,” she said. “But maybe the same rules apply. However, I don’t know those rules. When would I have learned them? But I’ve been in meetings with your father. Not many, I admit. Sometimes he paces. I haven’t seen people stand up and sit down every time he does.” But then I heard shifting, and when I looked over, she was standing. “Better?”
“Everyone knows those rules,” I muttered.
“You have led a very insular life, Princess. No. Almost no one knows those rules. Apparently, nearly everyone from your life knows those rules. Almost no one from my life does.”
I heard footsteps, and then she was standing behind me. “Am I violating more rules to approach you unbidden?”
“Yes.”
“I bet this violates even more rules.” And then she set her hands on my shoulders. “I know you’re scared,” she said gently.
“I’m not scared.”
“Then you’re a fool.”
I spun, dislodging her hands. “I’m not a fool!”
“I was scared. My staff was scared. From what I can tell, every woman of Charth was scared, but it’s not like I asked all of them.” She shrugged. “Consider it one more thing I’m wrong about. We can make a list and mail it to your father.”
“You remain infuriating.”
“I know.”
“Why are you so calm?”
“Would yelling help? Or maybe you prefer I cower from your anger. Is that what people normally do when you throw a tantrum?”
“I’m not throwing a tantrum!”
“Feel free to suggest another word, Princess.”
“You think this is funny!”
“No.”
“All right. I’m scared. I admit it. Happy now?”
“Not particularly,” she replied, remaining calm. “I believe we should cancel tonight’s event. The guest of honor is weary from her travels.”
“I’m not weary from my travels.”
“No, but that’s a better explanation than to tell everyone something more truthful. Isn’t that what diplomats do? Find a way to hide the least comfortable truths?”
“We’re not cancelling anything.”
“Frankly, as long as I am the ambassador here, it’s not your decision. And you do not have the authority to remove me from my position.”
“I would rather you not cancel the dinner tonight.”
She offered a brief smile. “I do not believe you should attend while you are this upset with me. Perhaps we should go sit down.” She gestured, and then she took my arm and led me to the sofa, sitting down beside me, turned casually to me and leaning sideways against the back of the sofa, her head propped against her hand, her elbow against the sofa. It was a decidedly informal posture.
“You’re doing it again.”
“I imagine you’re right this time. What am I doing?”
“Breaking the rules of court.”
“We’ve already agreed I don’t even know them, so I’m not shocked I’m breaking some. Is that really why you’re angry? Or are you angry because I’m not kneeling at your feet, telling you what a wonderful princess you are.”
“Shut up,” I said. “I’m not a horrible brat.”
She said nothing, which surprised me. I turned away, offering her a view of my back. I think part of me realized that yes, I was acting like a horrible, spoiled brat, but I wasn’t quite ready to admit it.
“I don’t know what you want, Your Highness. I don’t think you do, either. I have repeatedly suggested you illustrate my mistakes, but you have declined to do so. Pick one point, perhaps? Or we could go all in.”
“What does that mean?”
“It means I can tell you the rest of the truth, as I see it, but I don’t think you would appreciate it.”
“I suppose you’d tell me I’m acting like a spoiled brat.”
“Yes, I would.”
I didn’t deny it this time.
“I suppose you would tell me that I’m a hypocrite.”
“No. I might address some of your behavior that is somewhat hypocritical, but I believe you are stressed and making choices you might make differently if more relaxed, and that you aren’t necessarily a hypocrite yourself.”
“In what ways am I acting like one.”
“Several days ago you begged me to make promises to you, to be one of your closest advisors. In my mind that means telling you when you are making mistakes. But when I have done so, you have grown increasingly angry. Should we start with your first significant mistake?”
“This should be good.”
“I am nearly twice your age, but with my own shortcomings. I’m deeply aware of them. You have stated that you trust my judgement, but when I used it, you became quite upset. Furthermore, you didn’t even try to understand why I made a particular decision.”
“Which decision?”
“To treat you formally for a few more minutes. To try to treat you like a princess, and to be the ambassador, just until we got you settled. And everything you’ve done since then tells me I was right to do so, because you have grown increasingly upset when I’ve done what you’ve asked.”
“I can’t do anything right.”
“That is an unfair statement, and you know it.”
“How many mistakes have I made?”
“I’m not counting them,” she said. “It’s not the mistakes, Your Highness. None of them matter unless we choose to let them matter. The question is simple: did you mean what you said on the bridge?”
I thought about it. “Yes.”
“Do you regret it now, and do you withdraw the request?”
“I don’t know. I suppose it depends on whether all this happened because you hoped I’d hate you for it.”
“All this happened because I have my own flaws, and you do as well, and this time they combined poorly.”
“I’m perfect; everyone knows that.”
“I’m sure you’re right,” she said. I thought she was smiling as she said it. “I am about to take a risk. If it is the wrong choice, you have my deepest apologies.” Then she set her hands on my shoulders again. I didn’t move. I felt her move closer until she was pressed against my back. Her hands moved, not quite hugging me, but resting now on my arms.
I said nothing, but I leaned backwards, and then I used one hand to pull the opposite arm around me. She did the first herself, holding me, and I clasped her hands together in front of me, pressing them to me.
We said nothing for several minutes. She simply held me, my back pressed against her front, her head turned sideways against my shoulder. “I’m sorry,” I whispered.
“I am, too. I don’t know what I should have done differently.”
“I don’t, either. I think this was nearly entirely my fault.”
“You have certain expectations of the people around you.”
“Flawed expectations.”
“I can’t comment on that. But I don’t know what they are. I imagine if I did, I wouldn’t be willing to fill them.”
“My first day, and I messed this up.”
“Well, no one knows we had this conversation. I’m not going to tell anyone.”
“You’re right about something.”
“Really?”
“You don’t have a clue how to play the games of court. You could hold this over me for years.”
She laughed. “That sounds like me.”
“Totally,” I agreed. “Allium, I don’t know what to do. You were right about, well, not quite everything, but most of it.”
“Let’s start with a question. Do you hate me?”
“Am I acting like it?”
“I wanted to be clear. Maybe we start by you turning around and returning my hug.”
She was right, and so I did. It was a little awkward on the sofa, but then we both leaned sideways, cupping our heads, a mirror of each other. “Mother would let me have it if she saw me sitting like this.”
“She’s not here, and I sit like this all the time.”
“I think I like it,” I said. “I want to understand my mistakes.”
“How about we start with our relationship.”
“I think your biggest mistake was your failure to use the all-important phrase, ‘Spoiled brat princess’.” She laughed again, but I said, “I’m serious.”
“I’ll keep that in mind.”
“Promise me, Allium. You’ll remain honest with me, even when I respond poorly.”
“If this becomes the standard behavior, Ahlianna, I will resign any positions I hold and lead a private life.”
“It won’t.”
“It better not.”
“It won’t,” I said again.
“All right. I’ll do my best.”
“You were right about Darfelsa. We talked, but you’re right. I don’t think I fully appreciated everything she told me, and I didn’t ask the right questions. That was a colossal mistake.”
“Not hardly. In the scheme of things, it was almost nothing. No lives were at risk. And it’s unlikely you would have changed anything. You would only have been slightly more prepared. That is all.”
“It could have been a colossal mistake.”
“That, I agree with,” Allium said with a smile. “You also should have taken the opportunity to acquaint yourself with the other available material. You should already have known the names and titles of my staff. The information is readily available. You should have anticipated a speech of welcoming.”
“This is the first time I’ve gone anywhere without either Mother or Father.”
“And so they would have shown you what is expected, Ahlianna.”
I paused, absorbing what she had just said, then nodded. “You’re right. You’re absolutely right.”
“I am fairly certain they can both speak extemporaneously in that sort of setting.”
“I’ve seen them both do it. They make it look effortless. It wasn’t.” I shook my head. “I wanted to touch the slave, but I didn’t want to ask permission, and I didn’t know if it was violating rules.”
“That is something else Darfelsa could have told you,” Allium said. “Yes, you should ask. Permission will nearly always be granted. You don’t ask the slave; you ask her owner. Olivia will bring Bee and Dee tonight, and you should ask her.”
“I will. It looks…”
“Just stroking one arm is an experience,” she said. “Bee and Dee are two of my favorite people. Dee has been giving me lessons.”
“What sort of lessons?”
“How to win challenges.”
“Really?” I laughed. “Will she offer them to me?”
“She might, but do you know how she teaches me?”
“Why do I think the answer is ‘no’?”
She laughed again. “She coaches me in my challenges with her, Bee, or Olivia. And then I lose, but I’m not losing as badly anymore. If it weren’t for Dee, I would have lost my first challenge with Gionna, back when I thought her name was Jaerella, and I would have lost quite soundly. Instead, I won, and fairly easily.”
“Slaves can still do challenges?”
“Not normally, but Bee and Dee are special, and the way Olivia treats them is more special. She shares them. Not widely. Claary and me. Or to help with first challenges, or sometimes practice challenges.”
“I don’t understand the implications.”
“I’m still struggling to understand,” she admitted.
I took a breath, held it for a moment, then let it out, helping to calm myself a little further. “I’m sorry, Allium.”
“Forgiven,” she said. “And I am sorry, but as I said, I don’t know what to do differently next time.”
“Nothing, I think. I can’t believe you stayed calm.”
“Oh, please. One angry princess is nothing. You weren’t swinging a shovel at me.”
“Wait,” I said. “Has that happened to you?”
“Of course it has.”
“Oh, shit! What happened?”
“I took a few bruises and then kicked the shit out of him. Some of the other men broke it up once it was all but over, and we summoned the guards.”
“Wait. No one protected you?”
“If I had been a man, they would have let me handle it. But because I’m a woman, I’m a delicate flower? I suppose I should wear pretty skirts and a cheerful little bonnet, too.”
“Allium…”
“If he’d been a better fighter, he might have killed me. But he was big and slow, and he made huge, huge moves, telling me exactly what he was going to do.”
