Atone, page 24
“I told everyone I didn’t remember, Charlie, because when I woke up in the hospital with burns and a fractured skull, that was true. But when I close my eyes, I see it.”
He moves in closer, his lips almost touching mine. “I heard them pleading, crying, begging.” He snarls it, as I hear myself let out a sob.
“Begging.” His hand goes to my throat, and I stare at him. He does nothing but hold me tight. No pressure but enough so that I can’t move. His lips capture mine. They’re salty, filled with an agony that can only come from him.
“I love you.”
His eyes, those silver orbs, now teary, look almost startled at my declaration.
“Don’t.” He lets go of my neck and starts to turn, but I sink my nails into his bicep, causing a sound I’ve never heard before.
Pain. It vibrates under my skin and for one second, I wonder if I should have let him go? Before I can even understand, even compute what’s happening, he’s got me pinned, my legs wrapped around his waist as if they have a life of their own.
Vaguely, I process that he is leaning back enough to unbutton his pants. Then he’s inside me.
“Jesus Christ,” he says as he fucks me. In and out he thrusts. My head hits the wall as I reach for what I need. This is no longer about us. It’s pain, pure and primal, which only mating can heal.
“Fuck, your cunt is dripping down my balls.”
“David,” I scream as I come. It shakes my whole body. I’m raw, almost unhinged as I start to pulse. I might be losing it as I claw my nails down his back and tighten my legs. His cock pulses as he comes, and I can’t let go, can’t let my love go, can’t let this end.
It’s done. The storm has erupted. In a wild fury, it’s over and all I’m left with is his breath taking mine as I try to get some back.
Oxygen thief.
He’s been my crush, my wish, my need, and my soul. If he leaves me, I don’t know how I will survive. Through it all, he’s never been my deserter.
“Hold on to me, Beautiful.” He carries me, still locked around his strong arms, still nestled on his semi-hard cock. As we both fall to the bed, he pulls out.
“Are you okay?” He wipes my tears, which can’t seem to stop. I push his hand away as I sit up to look at him.
“Are you?”
He laughs, almost bitter, and sits up, reaching for his cigarettes. “Beautiful, I’m so far from okay you have no idea.” He lights up.
“Well, then I guess I’m not okay either.”
When he turns, our eyes lock, and I smile trying to lighten everything. He’s having a rough day. He’s trying to deal with the past and the present. I get all this.
He cocks his head, leans down, and kisses my lips.
“I’m no good. Not for you, not for my club. Anything I love goes bad or dies. Do you honestly think I’d let myself ruin your light?”
He turns and unzips the bag Edge brought and I bolt up and grab the first thing I see. It’s the T-shirt David was wearing yesterday.
“No, no, no.” I run after him as he carries the bag and slips on a dark T.
“David, please. I love you. I’ve always loved you. Give us a chance. One chance.” My hands reach out to him even though his back is to me. I know he hears me, feels me.
He looks up at the ceiling then turns. His silver eyes are filled with a pain that has hit him way more than it’s hit me. How can I even try to compete with the ghosts that dance in his eyes?
“No,” I scream and run to the door, blocking him.
“No.” The tears that seem unable to stop make me stutter, “N-n-o, I need you.”
“Jesus Christ, Charlie.” His eyes focus on me. “This can’t happen anymore. You’ll despise me, Beautiful.”
“You need me.” It comes out almost like a question. “David, what we have will never be bad. I have always loved you. Don’t you get it?” I reach for him, but he steps away as If I might burn him with my touch.
“Stop. Look at yourself. Look at what you’re becoming. I need help before I ruin everything that is us.”
“Oh God.” I grab at my heart—he’s breaking it into a thousand little pieces. The pain is like someone has reached in and tightened my heart yet won’t rip it out to give me peace.
“I thought I was your light.” I spit this at him.
He cocks his head, and his silver eyes tell me everything he’s not going to say.
“You are my light. But if I stay with you, I’ll extinguish it.”
He takes my numb hand and gingerly moves me aside. I let him, to preserve what little dignity I have left. He’s leaving and I can’t seem to stop him. He’s leaving me and the pain hurts so badly I think it might kill me. Pain, betrayal, all of these thoughts float in my head as I watch him.
“This is the worst thing that can ever happen, David. You’re breaking my heart.” This stops him. He hesitates then turns, dropping the bag. In one step, he holds my face with both hands.
“If this is the worst that ever happens to you, Charlie, then I’d say you’ve lived a charmed life. Because trust me… there are way worse things that can happen.”
“Fuck you, David, you coward. You fucking coward.” I’m not moving. I’m not even yelling. I think I’m frozen.
His back straightens and he hesitates but doesn’t turn. He opens the door and walks out.
I guess I follow for a few steps. I mean, I’m staring outside. There’s nothing but emptiness there. It’s void of him.
At long last, I have enough sense to walk back inside and lock the door. Sliding down to the cool hardwood floor, I’m numb and can’t breathe.
He’s gone with all my oxygen. I look down at my hands—they’re shaking, same as his were not three days ago. I’m as sick as he is, just as addicted but not to drugs. I’m addicted to him. David was everything: my fantasy of a perfect man and all I ever wanted. I truly believed that I was enough. The tears drip down my face, wet drops landing on my knees and hands.
I roll into a ball as I face the truth. I’m a liar. I lied to myself even when he told me the truth. It doesn’t matter though. How could I give him up? I try to gasp in some air, but I’ll never breathe the same way again.
CHARLIE
I turn off the engine of my new Ford Explorer and pull down the visor to examine myself in the mirror.
“Christ.” I roll my eyes as I reach for my purse, needing my makeup bag. It would help if I didn’t look like death warmed over. It’s been more than three months since the name I can’t speak left. Saying it, hearing it, will make me burst into tears. It’s fucking pathetic and quite frankly, I’m over it.
I grab the concealer and try to cover my black circles. It’s a daunting task, and considering I’m only meeting Cindy, Dolly, and Doug, who cares?
Not even bothering to check the color, I slather on some lip gloss. After a glance around the new dark leather seat for my phone, I pop the visor and exit, clicking the remote. I had to break down and get a new vehicle because apparently, when it rains, it pours.
Since Asshole left me, my beloved Prius died on me during rush hour in the middle lane of the 405 freeway.
Symbolic? I think so.
My upstairs neighbor’s toaster oven burned up causing a fire, so I moved in with my mom while they fixed and repaired all the damage. The ancient sprinklers sprayed brown-tinged water down the hallway leaking into my apartment and dribbling down into my closet. Half my wardrobe was wrecked thanks to the rusty water stains.
I toss my hair, thankful I’m back even though a slight musty smell lingers in certain parts of the building.
Poor Shelia and her cats had to move into an assisted living facility while all this mess was going on. I still haven’t heard if she’s coming back, which is depressing. I spent a lot of nights crying in her lap about the name I never utter.
Swinging open the door to Casa Vega, I have to blink to let my eyes adjust to the darkness inside.
“Charlize.” I remove my large sunglasses to see Cindy and her big boobs in a red booth in the corner.
Dimly lit in neon light, the bar has countless glasses hanging from an overhead rack. I wonder if I should order a round of shots for us to start with or wait for the waitress.
“Shhh, she’s coming,” Cindy yells at Doug who stares at me. If the wide-eyed look on his face is any indication, maybe I should have put on some more makeup.
“What?” I frown at him as I slide in next to Dolly and they all scoot down.
“Um, are you like some sort of homeless woman now? I thought you moved back to your apartment this week.”
“Doug, save it. I have a headache. I almost canceled, but I knew you’d keep calling, so here I am.” I smile broadly. It’s fake and my right eye starts to twitch, so I stop.
“Am I the only one who has the balls to tell her she needs to eat?” He stands up and motions for the bartender to come over. Dolly tugs on his shirt until he sits back down.
“What? I’m ordering some nachos and we need more chips and guacamole,” he snips.
“Whatever. I’m not hungry. Did you order drinks?”
They all look at each other. I sigh and lean back.
“What? If it’s bad, I don’t want to know. Tell them, Cindy. We have so many things going on at the diner I can’t handle anything bad.”
“Here we go, my friends.” The cute, dark-haired bartender arrives with margaritas. Someone was smart enough to order two per person, so we all have doubles. He happily sets them down along with three baskets of chips. “Enjoy.”
I look around at all of us and almost burst out laughing. It’s either that or cry because we all are like the dark cloud party. We look like someone has killed our pet or something.
“To Tuesday girls’ night.” Doug holds up his margarita.
“You’re ridiculous.” I grab mine and start to guzzle it. “That went down way too easy. I guess I’m Ubering.” I reach for a chip.
We started having girls’ night pretty much after he left me. To be honest, this is my sanity. A reason to get up and get going. All of us seem to be in the same boat.
Misery loves company, I guess. A couple of days after my disaster, Ryder was pretty much missing in action.
Much like everything else that hurts her, Cindy smiles and says it never happened. On one of our girls’ nights, I tried to corner her after I bared my soul at the table. She didn’t even blink—simply downed a shot and excused herself to the restroom.
If I wasn’t so caught up in my own shit, I would insist she talk about it, but seeing as I’m holding on by a thin thread…
“So.” I slap my hands on the table. “I know that I have been doing a lot of—”
“Holy fuck, I love this song,” Doug interrupts me and stands up to dance. I look over at Dolly who does, in fact, look like a doll tonight. She’s perfect. Her skin is glowing; her eyes are clear.
“Wait, I know I was late, but are you back with Edge again?”
Doug motions to the bartender for another round and looks down at me. “Tell them.”
She smiles and looks around until her eyes land on me. “I think… I might have met someone, and if I can move on, you can too.” She raises her margarita glass and drinks.
“I’m sorry, what?”
I have no idea why I’m not happy, or why I feel like I’m going to burst into tears.
“Yes.” She smiles.
Cindy screams and looks to the ceiling. “Thank you, Lord. You’ve answered my prayers.” Her dramatics make Doug dance over to her and snuggle his arm around her.
“Yes, our little Doll has finally moved on.” He takes Cindy’s drink and downs it.
“You okay?” He nods at me.
“Am I okay?” I look around as if they’re all from a different planet. These three have become my best friends. We’ve shared all our secrets. Well, I’ve shared all my secrets.
“Why is this the first I’m hearing about it?” I look her straight in her pretty brown cat eyes.
“I wanted to be sure.”
“You wanted to be sure? How long has this been going on? Last week you were bitching about Edge.”
“Look, Beauty, it doesn’t matter if it’s a day or years. When it’s right, it’s right. Now if Dolly can open herself up and find love, then you can move the fuck on too,” Doug snaps at me.
I look down at my hands. They’re shaking. This is surreal and I need alcohol.
I grab the closest margarita and down it in three gulps letting the tequila go to work. My face heats up as my head starts to spin.
“You look like you’re going to cry.” She reaches for my hand.
“I’m hurt, that’s all… and I was secretly always rooting for Edge.”
“Look, Charlie.” It’s bitchy-sounding and I raise a brow at her. “I haven’t said anything because I had to go through these emotions alone. But this guy is nice and he doesn’t make me look like you, so that’s a big win for me.”
“Wow.” I pull my hand away. I don’t need her lecture. I’ve been vomiting out my pain to these three people, and come to think of it, all they’ve done is hold my hair back when I throw up and tell me he’s not worth it.
“I need to go.” I try to scoot out, but Doug blocks the exit of the booth with his skinny ass.
“Nope. You’re going to wish Dolly well. You’re going to say—”
“Congratulations. You should have said something. Am I the only one in our group who’s honest about their feelings?” I slap my hands on the table.
“Define honest. All I see is a beautiful woman who used to be happy and strong and now looks like a waif who needs new clothes.” She points at me. “All because she fell in love with a fucking Disciple and let him ruin her.” Dolly shoves the basket of chips at me. “Here. Eat something before the wind blows you away.”
I shake my head. “Dolly.”
She glances up at the ceiling and around the bar, which is more crowded than before. “I’m sorry, but when I look at you, I see me and it’s killing me.”
We stare at each other, our eyes filled with tears. “Oh, come here.” She reaches for me, knocking over a margarita in the process, but neither of us cares as we hug until the wet, sticky drink makes us pull away.
“This is why I don’t ever fall in love.” Cindy wipes her eyes, her hands animated. “Look at you two, Dolly lying to herself, and Charlize downright pathetic.” She jumps up. “Excuse me.” She runs toward the restroom, her blond hair and boobs causing the men at the bar to stop and stare.
Doug clears his throat. “Here.” He dumps a couple of red cloth napkins on the sticky mess of sweet and sour and leans back to look at us. “Now listen up, you two.”
I look at him as I try to move my elbow. It’s stuck to the table.
“Beauty.” He snaps his fingers.
“Yes, I’m listening. I love you both so much.”
He rolls his eyes. “Okay, slow down on the tequila.” He points at me. “Both of you need to move on. Dolly has taken steps. Dylan is smart, has his own business, and does not kill people. This is a definite plus for you, Dolly.”
Dolly looks over at the door and her eyes widen. “Oh my God,” she shouts as Edge walks in and looks around.
It’s impossible to ignore his rock-hard, tattooed body. Edge has always been my favorite and not because he’s a fucking hot ginger, but because he loves Dolly and she loves him, and if they can’t seem to make it, we’re all doomed.
“How did he know we’re here?” I say way too loudly. The whole bar heard me.
Edge turns and a hiss escapes Dolly’s mouth.
“Jesus fucking Christ.” Doug grabs a drink and shakes his head in disgust at Dolly. “You texted him, didn’t you?”
Dolly doesn’t even respond and remains fixated on Edge who reminds me so much of David my heart flutters. They look nothing alike but the way he holds himself… moves.
“Danger,” I whisper as Edge moves toward the booth.
“Yes.” Dolly bites her red bottom lip.
I didn’t even realize I said it out loud, but that’s what these men are. They are fucking hot, dangerous bad boys who steal your very breath.
“Don’t worry. I’m here for you.” I grab her warm hand. Doug snorts in disgust.
“She brought him here. You’re on your own tonight.” He looks bored as Cindy comes walking back. Her eyes are puffy, but it looks like she put on a bunch of lip gloss.
“What now?” She puts her hands on her hips.
“Get up,” Edge snarls, not even glancing at us. He stands behind Cindy and she screams. He ignores her, but the manager over at the front frowns.
They need to turn up the music. Everyone is staring at us.
Cindy turns and looks behind him. “Where’s Ryder?”
“Working,” Edge grunts.
“Of course he is.” She rolls her eyes. “I’m out.” She leans over and grabs her purse.
“Cindy, don’t go.” I try to stand, but I’m sandwiched between Doug and Dolly.
“See you in the morning, Charlize. Edge, tell your friend to lose my number and to go fuck himself.” She slams open the big wooden door as she leaves with a dramatic flair.
“Nice, Edge,” Doug mumbles.
“I said get up. We’re going.” Edge holds out his tattooed hand.
“No.”
“Dolly.” He almost spits it out. “If you don’t want me to put a fucking bullet in that pussy you’ve been seeing, you’ll get your ass up.”
I look at Dolly then Edge. “Um, Edge?”
He looks over at me, and his eyes change from fierce to… Is that pity I see?
“You doing okay, Charlie?”
And I drop Dolly’s hand and want to slide down the booth and hide. Instead I hold my head high and say, “I’m fantastic,” then cringe at how pathetic that sounded.
“Good.”
His eyes drift back to Dolly’s. “Choice is yours.”
She huffs. “Why do you care? You fuck anything that moves.”
“This isn’t about me. This is about my girl’s cunt being around another man’s cock. If I find out you really did, Dolly…” His hands clench and a small shudder goes through me.
“You’ll what?” she snarls. “You can’t hurt me anymore, Edge.”
