The Empress Capsule (Audacity Saga Book 1), page 26
“And now you’re just making excuses.” He reeled back from her, throwing up his arms, exasperated.
“What are you talking about? Why would I do that?”
“So you don’t have to face what you really want.”
She glared at him, but no clever retort came. “So what if I am?” She folded her arms across her chest.
“You really are brilliant at elaborate defense plans. You’ve got a whole multilayered web of lies to keep yourself alone and distant from everyone around you.”
“Go to hell.”
“And you know—I was so sure this would work out. That I didn’t need the damn chip. You were starting to convince me. I forgot how great this feels.”
She grimaced, almost feeling real physical pain at those words. “Don’t, Kael. Don’t fix it, and don’t hold it over my head. Just don’t.”
“Why shouldn’t I?” He stopped, running his hand down his face in exhaustion. Then he slammed the wall with his palm in frustration. “Why are you lying about this? I can’t understand it.”
“You’re a distraction,” she shot at him. “Sex and command don’t mix. I cross this line, I’m going to get someone killed.”
“This isn’t about just—” He stopped for some reason, switching tactics. “Did I distract you on any of our missions? On Elpi? On the Teredark moon?”
“No,” she growled, a little bitterly.
“Did my being there lead to any loss of life?”
“No.”
“You’re damn right, it didn’t. I know how you feel about me, even if you won’t admit it. I don’t see how acting on it would change anything. You’ll still feel this way tomorrow.”
“No, I won’t,” she lied through her teeth. “You can’t read my mind, damn it.”
“Why can’t you see me as an asset and not a distraction?” The hurt in his voice sent another pain into her chest.
Hell.
“Why can’t you take no for an answer?” she shot back, not knowing what else to say. He was an asset. She still couldn’t afford him drawing her attention, her potential favoritism. People’s lives were on the line, damn it. The glimmer of the Mirror’s Light against the star flashed through her mind again.
“You know what’s distracting? Someone throwing themselves at you and then lying about their motives afterward. What the frag, Ellen.”
“I should never have brought you onboard,” she hissed. And then before she could either punch him in the neck or break down in tears, he turned, slammed the hatch control, and stormed out.
Kael strode back to his cabin, thankfully not encountering anyone on the way. Or maybe this would have been a good time to run into Josana. He was mad enough, he could probably scare the shit out of her.
He waved the door shut angrily, then felt a little guilty that the AI might think the emotion was directed at her. By the seven suns, he was losing it. Worrying about an AI’s feelings and getting all caught up in one little kiss.
Okay, not just one, but a lot of them—and they’d been beyond perfect.
He ordered his armor off and slumped down onto his bed.
She probably wanted someone clean-cut. Straitlaced. Somebody with medals and a career. The only medals he had or would ever get were the scars in his armor and in his skin. Nobody admired those.
What he was made of was as clear as the tattoos on his arms. At least, to someone like her it was. Maybe she’d defended him. And those prisoners, in the face of that snotty captain. But deep down, she knew that bitch was right. Even if Kael wasn’t exactly dirt, Ryu still deserved better.
This had all been hopeless anyway. Why the hell was he disappointed? Stupid stupid stupid.
As soon as he could get his hands on another damn chip, he would end all this. She couldn’t hurt him anymore if he didn’t care that women existed. Right? He should talk to Dremer about looking at the damn thing.
He lay staring out at the void for a long time, his head propped on his hands, thinking. It had seemed so obvious that this ship would be his next step, assuming he survived this last mission. What better place to go renegade? What weirder place for a Theroki to end up? No set address, and he could at least put his gun beside someone who was trying to do some good in the world. He hadn’t hoped for even that much.
To realize it might not be the salvation he’d hoped for, to turn from it now… That left him feeling even more desolate. Maybe he could stay even if she didn’t want him. She seemed professional enough to allow that, if he made his case well. But would it be torture? Maybe not if he fixed the chip. Perhaps his feelings for her would go away. Or at least lessen. He shook his head. Wishful thinking. His attachment to her had grown beyond the pieces of him the chip toyed with, hadn’t it. His feelings had sunk deeper into something the chip would not be able to touch. At the very least, she had his loyalty. More than that.
Even if he wanted to, the Audacity and its private donors might not have him, though. The ship had a few men, but the whole lacking-a-vagina thing did put him at a disadvantage on half their missions. He wondered if he got a new suit of armor that completely hid him—as if he could afford that—maybe they’d make an exception. Maybe what the women didn’t know wouldn’t hurt them?
He doubted that. Ellen was nothing if not by the book. Well, most of the time anyway. She was honest. Well, except perhaps with the enemy. And about her feelings about kissing him. Also, he doubted the moves she’d pulled on him, the moves that had left him so hungry for her, were in any military rulebook.
But wasn’t it “mostly” military, after all? When it came down to it, Ellen was doing whatever she wanted. And that wasn’t him.
A ship uncloaked outside the window, heading straight for them. Kael jumped from where he sat lounging in his cabin, avoiding Ellen. But then he leaned closer, narrowing his eyes. The green of the grab beam was already flashing, seizing the Audacity with a rough lurch.
The all-too-familiar black hull protruded savagely with barbs and robotic arms and cannons and just plain old debris no one had removed that had lodged in some barbed-wire-like fortification. Little of it served any functional purpose, but its function was largely psychological, a marker of the ferocity of its inhabitants.
Kael scrambled to the drawer of the desk and grabbed the armor comm unit he’d left charging there. “Theroki ship, this is Tridelphi Three Kael Sidassian. Do you read?”
“Acknowledged, Three. This is Tridelphi One Preparte aboard the Blothaki. What are you doing on that unmarked ship?”
“I’m on special assignment from Enhancer High Command. I’ve commissioned this vessel for my mission.” He hadn’t actually admitted this aloud onboard the ship just yet, but between Ellen and Isa, it was probably not much of a secret anymore. He considered a request for the Blothaki not to interfere, but these likely weren’t grunts he was talking to, like those he’d had to damn near shoot off Ellen. They should know this was an acceptable practice, even recommended, and that their response should be to piss off and leave him alone.
Did he even want that anymore? If he wanted away from Ellen, here was his ticket out.
“Acknowledged,” the Blothaki said. “The high adjutant here would like you to know that he praises your discretion.”
Kael heaved a sigh of relief. Someone competent. Finally.
“We’re reading some errors coming back from your equipment, Three. Have you sustained damage?”
“Yes, we were ambushed at the EHC evac. Knockout grenade. I think it sent something wonky. Six other thero were there, but I was concerned they’d betrayed our location and facilitated the ambush.” By calling them thero, he was implying they should be disgraced—or at least considered guilty until proven innocent. He doubted the knockout grenade could do that kind of damage, but it was the best excuse he had. Hopefully they would buy it. He sure as hell wasn’t telling them the truth. Haltingly, he realized they would have a store of backup chips. And that he ought to be seeking one. “Could you send over a replacement?”
Please say no, please say no, please—
“Of course, Three. Anything else you might need? The high adjutant prefers to support a client as loyal and wealthy as EHC as effectively as possible.” That last bit was supposed to suggest that of course the adjutant held no specific political preferences one way or the other. But Kael found that often such claims were more likely an indicator that there was an opinion on the matter, however silently held. He’d gotten lucky that this HA was an Enhancer supporter.
He tried to think. “A couple energy banks and rations would be appreciated, but I’m adequately prepared for this mission, sir.”
“Acknowledged. We’ll release the ship and send over a capsule. Can you confirm they can receive it?”
“Thank you, Blothaki. I’ll hail you back if they can’t receive it.”
The comm channel closed. He watched as the grab beam light flickered off, and the Theroki ship turned to put its belly alongside the Audacity, instead of pointing its main frontal guns at her.
Barely a moment later, Ellen’s voice came over the comm, sounding mildly annoyed. “Do you have something to do with this, Kael?”
He smiled quietly in spite of it all. Still calling him Kael? Still speaking to him after what had just gone down? He’d called her a liar and a coward too. Maybe she was, but she couldn’t like hearing it.
“Stop saving our asses, Theroki,” said Adan. “I’ll never get my combat patch this way.”
“You don’t need to start on it on that ship, Adan,” he said mildly.
“We don’t give out patches anyway. What do you think this is, a real military outfit? And what is it doing?” Ellen demanded. “Don’t cool your guns yet, pilot.”
“It’ll be moving along shortly,” Kael said.
“Damn you’re good at scaring ships away,” came Fern’s voice, laughing. “Like a dead body tied to the hull.”
Adan choked on something and spluttered, “What?”
“You know, like in the old pirate stories? Never mind.”
“Glad to know I’m as useful to you as a dead body,” Kael muttered. They all quieted. Hmm. That had come out more bitterly than he’d intended. He shouldn’t be taking out his frustration on them. “I have this crazy feeling they have a package for me. Can you accept canisters, or do I have to go over there?”
“I can catch it,” Adan said quickly, sounding excited again.
“See, entertainment for you after all,” said Kael.
“We’ll let you know when it’s onboard,” Ellen said, command voice as brisk and steely as ever. “Bridge out.”
He turned away from the sight of the ship and all he’d wanted to escape from. He sank into his bunk and tucked his hands behind his head, thinking. Ask and ye shall receive, eh? Hadn’t he been thinking that if he could just put in a fully functioning chip, he could stop feeling all this ache?
Was that really what he wanted? No. A new chip, and he could reject Ellen the same way she’d rejected him. He couldn’t reject her because of some flaw he’d found. He hadn’t really found any. None that mattered anyway. Except maybe the lies and paralyzing fear and denial that kept them apart. But… it might not be lies or fear or denial. She might truly not care, even if she had briefly been amused by him.
No, if he could get the chip, he could simply make himself indifferent. Just like her. Or like she claimed. The plan was brutal in its efficiency.
He sighed. It was probably better this way. Now, he wouldn’t walk into EHC on Desori spewing errors and setting off suspicion. Maybe he could keep the altered chip, and after Desori, he could switch them back.
But he didn’t like it. The chip might affect his obedience, and maybe he’d head back to Theroki HQ instead of sneaking off like he planned to now. Could he have done anything to the chip without Vala to facilitate things? Did he really even care about going renegade at this point? If Ellen didn’t want him… he didn’t want anyone else.
HQ wasn’t the worst place in the galaxy, but he had hoped to go after something more. Which was better, which was worse? Which was the real him?
Did it matter anymore?
Chapter Twelve
Bri handed her the nondescript cylinder from the container port. “Bio scans, contaminant scans—all clear.”
“Thanks.” Ellen took it and stared at the ordinary black can that had been floated from the Theroki ship. She hoped to God this wasn’t what she thought it was.
But just in case, she’d take it to him herself.
It wasn’t far from engineering to the passenger cabin, and she took the ladder rungs two at a time. Cabin 6A. Yep.
She hesitated only briefly outside the door, then gritted her teeth. You made this mess, you have to deal with it.
She hit his door chime, and the hatch slid open. Stepping inside, she held out the container, one eyebrow raised. “Your package, sir.”
He rose and strode toward her, taking it. “Commanders running mail-room duty now? Or did you just want to know what this is?”
“I might be a bit curious.” She shifted further inside and let the hatch shut behind her. “Is it what I think it is?”
He twisted open the canister and took out a thin black metal sheath and five laser banks. “What do you care?”
She folded her arms across her chest and jutted out her chin.
“What? You’re gonna stand here and look at me like that but not say anything?”
That was, in fact, exactly what she did. She was all out of clever remarks for today.
“Look, you made yourself perfectly clear. Get out of here, Ellen.” He shook his head, eyes trained on the sheath.
“Don’t order me around. This is my ship.”
“This is my cabin.”
She let out a disgusted sigh. “C’mon. Don’t do it.”
His eyes said he knew she wasn’t talking about ordering her around. “Why,” he said flatly.
“You know why.”
“No, I don’t. So you can keep tormenting me? No, thanks.”
“I’m not trying to torment you.”
“But you are. I can’t think straight. Why are you here, Ellen?”
“Because you deserve to be yourself. The real you. Not altered.”
“Why? As you so eloquently pointed out, I’m a distraction to you. A liability to everyone. I should leave it out? So I can get you killed too? No, thanks.”
He threw the sheath on the desk and turned away, stalking toward the window.
His words seemed to echo in her mind, a cold seeping into her bones. “What do you mean ‘too’?” she said slowly.
“Just leave me alone.”
Something she’d said had hurt him more deeply than she’d realized. Something about him being a distraction? A risk? She took a step toward him. “Tell me.”
“No. Comets on different trajectories, remember?”
“I thought you said I was full of crap.”
“You are full of crap, but I didn’t say that exactly.”
She snorted. She wasn’t getting out of this without an apology, was she? But how? What would she even say? She didn’t want to get out of this, but she also hadn’t wanted to hurt him. She still couldn’t do anything differently. Nothing had changed—not really. Why did she want him to leave the damaged chip in?
Did some part of her really want him to keep wanting her, even if she never would do more than shun him? A deeper chill ran through her at the thought and how it did sound a little appealing.
No, no way—she couldn’t be that selfish. She had to tell him he could do whatever he wanted. His chip was his choice to control. She opened her mouth.
No words came out.
Tell him, she thought. Tell him it’s fine, whatever he does. Let him go and replace the chip and this will all be over. Still, she couldn’t move her jaw.
Or, a tiny voice in the back of her mind said, you could stop being such a scared little coward. What are you going to do, be alone all your days? Do mission after mission until you finally get killed? You know being afraid of making mistakes doesn’t keep you from making them. That perfection is impossible. That him being here or not might not change anything. What if you don’t get killed but you’re too damn creaky and wounded to command or fly the galaxy anymore? What then? How many years of being alone will be too many? And if that day comes, will you ever find someone as good as the man right in front of you?
What are you so afraid of?
I’m afraid of another Mirror’s Light, damn it. Of letting all of them down or making the wrong decision because I’m too focused on him. Kael, unlike Paul, was a good soldier, though. Wasn’t he? Did she even trust her judgment anymore, when things were clouded with emotion?
Emotion was a fragging traitor.
“Unless you have something to say, I’d appreciate it if you’d just leave,” he said coldly.
Scowling, she forced herself to take a step back. He seemed to have relaxed as he stared off into the stars, hands clasped behind his back. She stood for a moment, trying to engrave the image in her memory, admiring the way the light from the nearby moon played across his form. A bit of wolf’s fur peeked out from beneath his black sleeve, teasing her.
It would be so easy to close the distance between them, run her hands over his shoulders, press a kiss against his back. She could walk up to the edge, drop the vise grip of control. Let life take her where it would. It would be so easy to just let him kiss her. Perhaps it was destiny that brought them together. Fate. The conniving of the stars. Or at the very least, Simmons. It would be so easy to—
No. She forced herself to turn, palm the hatch, and trudge out.
Kael was irritably hunting in the chill chest for something other than ration bars to eat when Xi’s voice came over the comm. “Kael, Isa has entered your cabin.”
He swore. “Again?”
“I’m afraid so.”
“What is she doing?” He grabbed a shiny green apple, a studded orange zeefruit, a handful of instant coffee packets, and a piece of baklava made by the ever-missing Amaya before he headed out of the kitchen. If he ever got to actually meet the woman, he’d have to complement her on her cooking. But the chances of that were growing slimmer by the moment.
