Psycho, page 12
Lucas had struck a nerve. Noah was telling the truth. He didn’t feel bad about killing the man, that much was clear, but he was guarded, ready to attack anybody who told him he should feel bad about what he did. Lucas wasn’t going to be that person. He’d had a crappy childhood, but the kind that made him feel sorry for his grandfather, not traumatized. He had no idea what it would be like to experience trauma at that level, no matter how long he’d studied it from an academic standpoint.
“You’re not a psychopath. Maybe we’re not supposed to say this out loud but not every death leaves a mark, not every person deserves to be mourned. I’ve interviewed hundreds of killers in my day. I’ve sat across from every type of murderer you can imagine. People who murdered strangers, family members, co-workers, friends. By and large, the people who are most at peace with their decisions are the ones who killed their abusers. They knew the only way out was through. They do their time with smiles on their faces.”
Noah’s shoulders slumped, and Lucas felt like he’d passed a test he hadn’t known he was taking. Noah studied him closely before asking, “Why haven’t you turned August in? You’re a Fed. He’s a killer. His brothers are convinced you’re just gathering evidence on all of us, but I don’t believe that. Like, I know August. He’s so into you, he’d tell you anything. You could have had this case wrapped up in a bow in a day and a half. You obviously like him, even if he’s super weird. But why turn your back on everything you worked so hard for? Didn’t it take a lot to become an agent?”
Lucas almost didn’t answer. He’d kept his thoughts and feelings about his past to himself. “They turned their back on me. I had a spotless reputation, had a dangerously high level of accuracy with my profiles, and when I finally came clean about how I did it, they not only didn’t believe me, they threw me in an institution and threatened to keep me there while leaving a serial killer free to torture women. I guess I learned that good versus evil isn’t really black and white. Not every life is sacred. Some people have forfeited their right to keep breathing.”
Noah propped his arm up on the back of the couch. “If you’re part of this family, you have to know how to think on your feet, be prepared to move a body, provide an alibi, shoot a gun, wield a knife, remind your psychotic boyfriend why he can’t murder a man because he winked at you in a Starbucks. Being the significant other of a Mulvaney is a full-time job in and of itself.”
Lucas’s gaze dropped to the ring on Noah’s left hand. “One you’ve agreed to take on permanently.”
Noah smiled, cheeks pinking, as he looked at the brushed nickel band on his finger. “Yeah, but the decision was easy for me. Adam and I just…get each other. Like, we see each other, flaws and all, and it just works. Our crazy fits. Adam is my family. The Mulvaneys are my family. Being one of them was the easiest decision I ever made.”
“I don’t have any family either,” Lucas heard himself offer. “And the ones I did have weren’t exactly going to win any awards.”
Noah nodded. “I can’t even imagine what my life would have been like if I had the ability to see things or feel things each time I was touched. With my background…I’d be locked in a padded cell for life or not alive at all. How do you do it—keep yourself from losing it?”
It was strange to not have to convince somebody he could do what he did. “I call it shielding, like a partition in my brain I can put up and down at will. But, sometimes, I slip. It’s exhausting trying to force my brain to actively not observe something.”
“Is that why you like August? Because he’s like you?”
Lucas frowned. “How do you mean?”
Noah tilted his head. “You haven’t noticed that August has headphones in practically around the clock?”
Lucas racked his brain, trying to remember a time when he’d seen August with anything even remotely resembling headphones. The day they collided. “I never noticed. How does that make him like me?”
“Did you know he has an eidetic memory? He can recall every word he’s ever heard or seen without even trying. But he hates it. He said it makes his head too noisy. He plays music almost all the time so he doesn’t carry around stranger’s voices in his head for the rest of his life.”
Lucas shrugged. “He never wears them around me.”
Noah once more studied Lucas before saying, “Then he must really like you. Because August values silence over almost anything.”
Lucas did his best to ignore the warmth that pooled in his belly at Noah’s words. He couldn’t let himself get sucked into this twisted fairytale.
Except, he already was.
It was after eleven when Noah rose, telling Lucas that Adam waited for him downstairs and August was on his way up. Lucas suddenly didn’t know what to do with himself. Did he sit on the couch? Wait for August to come up? Would he knock? Were they past knocking? He’d never been so struck with indecision before.
August didn’t knock, just breezed in the door with a brown paper bag in one hand and an overnight bag in the other.
“Whatcha got there?” Lucas asked.
August raised the brown bag as he brushed a kiss across Lucas’s ear, making him shiver. “The best thing you’ve ever put in your mouth.”
Lucas raised a brow, unable to stop the smirk forming. “Is that so?”
August’s mouth hitched up on one side. “That’s what the girl at the bakery said.”
“Did she say it with a straight face?” Lucas asked.
August paused as if lost in thought. It occurred to Lucas then that he was recalling the conversation—verbatim if Noah was to be believed.
“Is it true you remember every word ever said to you?”
“Did Noah tell you that?” August asked, dropping the dessert on the counter and his overnight bag on the barstool.
“He said you always wear headphones to drown out the noise. I’ve never seen you wear them.”
August brushed his hair aside, removing the tiny earbuds from his ears. “They’re not on. I don’t wear them around you.”
“Why not?”
August frowned in confusion. “Because I want to remember every word you say to me.”
It was such a casually breathtaking thing to say. August was somehow insanely romantic without even trying. Lucas crossed the room and slanted their lips together, catching August off guard. He recovered quickly, gripping Lucas’s jaw as he plundered his mouth. Lucas’s hands ran along his biceps, jumping back when August hissed in pain.
“What? What’s wrong?”
“Nothing. I just had a little incident tonight.”
Lucas frowned. “Incident? What kind of incident?”
August slipped his shirt over his head, revealing a deep two-inch gash along his arm. “How did that happen?”
August grimaced. “I underestimated her. She caught me off guard while I was on the phone.”
Lucas rolled his eyes, tugging August into the guest bathroom and forcing him to sit on the shut toilet lid. “Well, why did you answer the phone in the first place?”
“Because it was you,” August said, as if the answer was obvious. “When your significant other calls, you answer.”
Significant other. Is that what they were? Their relationship was moving at warp speed. Arranged marriages took longer than dating a psychopath, apparently. “We’re not in a relationship.”
“Says you,” August murmured, flicking his gaze upward, his tone letting Lucas know he found his resistance amusing. “You’ll come around.”
“Consent is a thing,” Lucas reminded, but his tone was light.
“Is this nonconsensual?” August asked. “Do you not want me to keep pursuing you?” Lucas looked back over his shoulder, watching as August grew broody and confused. “Am I pushing you into something you don’t want?”
Lucas stopped rifling through his things to stand and sooth August. Who knew psychopaths were so sensitive? He sighed, cupping August’s face and tilting it upward. “I want you to keep pursuing me, but I need to feel like it’s not already a done deal. I’m an adult and I have bodily autonomy. ‘I licked it so it’s mine’ isn’t a thing in dating.”
August’s hands came around to grip Lucas’s ass, his gaze heated as he said, “I did, though. I want to do it again. Right now.” Lucas shivered at the thought of August’s tongue probing all the parts of his body, trying not to get swept away by memories of last night. “I’ll try to be more mindful of your feelings.”
Lucas snickered. “Did you read that in a relationship book?”
There was no humor at all in August’s answer. “Yes.”
Lucas’s heart flip-flopped in his chest. “You did?”
August nodded. “Several.”
“Really?” Lucas couldn’t help the surprise in his voice.
“Noah thought it would help.”
“Did it?” Lucas asked, tilting his head.
“Yeah, but none of them seem to agree on anything.”
Lucas quickly went back to looking under his sink so August didn’t see the smile that split his face at his disgruntled tone. August had read books on relationships for him. Several. Several? They’d known each other for so little time. When had he found time to read a bunch of books on relationships? Is that why he wrote silly sayings on Lucas’s cups?
He gave a triumphant shout when he found the first aid kit buried in the back. He set it on the back of the toilet, opening it and pulling a small bottle free, snapping the seal. He held a wash rag just under the wound as he poured sterile water over it. “This is really deep.”
August stared at the cut in disgust. “Scalpels are meant to do that.”
“A scalpel? You let that bitch cut you with a scalpel?” August smirked at Lucas’s indignant tone, but he wasn’t sure what August found funny about some psycho killer almost slitting his throat. “She could have killed you.”
August leaned close, his nose pushing up Lucas’s t-shirt to kiss his belly. “It was just her last ditch effort to save her life,” he said, his hand sliding up Lucas’s jean-clad thigh. “She didn’t stand a chance.”
Lucas knew the feeling. He sucked in a breath at the feel of August’s lips grazing his hip bone and the way his fingers squeezed his inner thigh. “You probably need stitches.”
“What I need is you,” August countered, hand sliding upward, his thumb tracing the ridge of Lucas’s obvious erection. “Seems like you need me, too.”
Lucas pressed against August’s palm, groaning at the pleasure that bloomed at the sudden pressure. “I need to close this.”
“You close that. I’m going to open these,” August said, his hands deftly working Lucas’s button and zipper open, pushing his jeans out of the way so he could run his mouth along the bulge in Lucas’s underwear.
Lucas’s head fell back, eyes rolling as August’s lips teased at his cock. “I can’t focus when you do that.”
“I’ll be fine,” August promised, mouthing a wet spot over the head of Lucas’s cock.
Lucas needed to get the wound closed. It could get infected. He threaded his fingers through August’s hair, yanking hard enough to make him snarl. “You are going to let me finish closing this up,” he said, making his voice as stern as he could with a raging hard-on. “And when I’m done, then you can fuck me. Got it?”
August’s pupils blew wide as he gazed up at Lucas. “Got it,” he said, voice raw.
Lucas smacked a kiss on August’s lips. “Good.”
He sat on the edge of the tub, using the steri-strips he found to pinch the wound closed and tape it shut. It took the entire pack. Once finished, he bandaged it up before standing. “There. All bett—”
The rest of his sentence disappeared as August tugged him between his thighs, dragged his underwear out of the way and swallowed him down.
“Jesus. Fuck,” Lucas managed, hands tangling in August’s hair as his knees threatened to buckle. “Not here.”
August pulled off, his fist replacing his mouth, working him slowly. “Did you mean it? Can I fuck you?” He bit down on Lucas’s hip. “You can fuck me if you want. I like it both ways.”
Lucas was having trouble focusing. He liked it both ways, too, but he wanted August inside him. “Bedroom, now.”
August was way too keyed up. Maybe it was the adrenaline of the night’s events, or maybe it was just the thought of burying himself in the tight heat of Lucas’s body. Either way, his blood quickened each time Lucas looked back over his shoulder at him. August wanted to throw him down on the bed and lick every inch of him, taste every inch of him, hold him down and fuck him while he made those sexy fucking noises he’d made when he sucked him off the night before.
When they got to Lucas’s bedroom, he couldn’t stop himself from shoving him up against the door, gripping his face so he could plunder his mouth, biting at his lips, his jaw. “I’ve thought about this all day. I could barely concentrate on my work tonight knowing you were here waiting for me.”
Lucas moaned, squeezing August’s ass, dragging him closer until their hips were flush together. Lucas’s head thudded against the door, and he bared his throat in an unconsciously submissive gesture that made August’s cock throb.
Lucas trusted him and would let him do anything to him. Literally anything. The thought made August feral, made him want to drag Lucas’s clothes out of the way and fuck him against the door until he cried and begged. What did Lucas look like when he was totally helpless? What things could August do to him? Lucas ground himself against August, almost like he could hear his dirty thoughts.
“We can skip the foreplay if you want,” Lucas panted against August’s lips, shoving his hand down the front of his open jeans, palming his erection. “You can do whatever you want to me. I’ve been thinking about this all day, too.”
You can do whatever you want to me. Lucas couldn’t just say things like that.
August lurched away from him, breathing heavily. Lucas startled at August’s sudden retreat. “What? What’s wrong? What just happened?”
August’s heart was racing at the thought of losing it on Lucas, of doing…whatever…to Lucas. You can do whatever you want to me. Jesus. “I just… I need you to tie me up. I can’t be trusted right now.” Lucas took a step closer, but August held up a hand. He couldn’t get the thought of hurting Lucas out of his head. “Please.”
Lucas examined him closely, his confusion evident. August wouldn’t be surprised if he kicked him out and told him never to come back. It was the most logical choice. Any sane person could see he was dangerous. He stood, dancing on a knife edge, as Lucas considered August’s request.
Finally, Lucas said, “Get undressed and lie down on the bed.”
August felt woozy from the tension that suddenly left his body. Lucas wasn’t kicking him out, and he wasn’t dismissing his concerns. He would be safe. Safe from August. Just in case.
He stripped, lying on his back on the mattress, watching as Lucas crossed to his closet, reaching for something on the top shelf, his t-shirt rising up to reveal a thin strip of skin. He fished around until he found what he was looking for, spinning and showing August his find. A set of government issue handcuffs dangled from his finger. He placed the small key on the side table before climbing onto August fully clothed, sitting on his chest to clip one cuff on his wrist.
“Tighter,” August demanded.
Lucas rolled his eyes but did as he asked, threading the chain behind one of the wooden dowels of the headboard before cuffing his other wrist. “There. Happy now, grumpy pants?”
August knew Lucas was teasing him, but he didn’t care. This was the best way to keep Lucas safe until the impulse to take him apart died down. “Yes. Now, you’re safe from me.”
Lucas peeled his t-shirt over his head, tossing it on the floor, leaning down to lick a stripe along the center of August’s chest. “But now, you’re not safe from me.” August’s breath hitched as Lucas tongued over one flat nipple, tugging it with his teeth, before sitting up again, reaching back to take August’s hard cock in hand, giving it a couple of firm strokes.
“You don’t have to worry, you know,” Lucas murmured, releasing him to fuse their mouths together in a long lingering kiss before biting over his jaw, nipping at his earlobe as he whispered, “If I wanted to, I could know every single thing you’re thinking. You can’t catch me by surprise. I won’t let you.”
August bucked his hips up against the empty air at Lucas’s taunt. “I’m not willing to risk it.”
Lucas sat back and shrugged, dragging blunt nails down August’s chest and belly. “Then I’m free to do whatever I want to you,” Lucas said. “Fine by me.”
August watched as he stood, removing his jeans and underwear. Naked Lucas was perfection, not overly toned or bulky, no washboard abs, but slightly defined arms and muscled calves like somebody who had spent a lifetime running.
August suddenly ached to touch him, to do all the things he’d thought of before. But now, he was trapped.
Lucas opened the nightstand drawer, grabbing a condom and the lube and tossing them on the bed beside August. He got rid of the pillows, tugging them out from underneath August’s head to toss them on the floor. He looked August over for one long moment before he climbed back over him, only this time, he was facing August’s feet, his knees braced on either side of August’s bound arms, his hard length dangling just above August’s lips.
He sucked in a breath as Lucas’s mouth closed over his already aching cock, eyes rolling at the wet suction. Fuck. Two could play that game. He lifted his head, taking Lucas in, flushing as his responding moan vibrated along August’s shaft to his balls. Lucas spread his knees, lowering himself so he could fuck into August’s mouth in short, shallow thrusts, almost like he worried he might hurt him. August would happily die choking on Lucas’s cock.
August tried to keep himself still—tried to give Lucas the same consideration he gave August—but found himself bending his knees, digging his heels into the mattress, thrusting up into Lucas’s mouth. Any worry he had that Lucas would be bothered dissipated when he slid his hands beneath August’s thighs, swallowing around August’s cock until his eyes rolled.
