Alpha's Obedience, page 17
God, he could be such an idiot. "I'm sorry. I wasn't thinking. I wanted to see if Enar was available."
"Let's step outside while we talk," Lucan said, and Lev had to admire how smoothly Lucan led him out of the building. "Enar is with a patient, but I can ask Maz?"
Lev jammed his hands into the pockets of his pants. "No, this is something only Enar can help me with."
Lucan studied him for a few seconds, then nodded. "He should have time in about half an hour. Why don't you wait for him by the pool? I'll ask him to meet you there."
Did the beta have any idea what Lev wanted to talk about with Enar? The thought alone made sweat break out on his back. What if others would find out he wasn't a real alpha, that something was broken inside him? At least Lucan seemed as friendly as before. So maybe he thought it was a personal preference that Lev asked for Enar and not Maz? Lev hoped so.
"Thank you. I'll wait for him there."
Time passed slowly as he sat by the pool. It was too cold to swim now, and the pool had been emptied of its water in preparation for the winter. Lev was grateful for the jacket he was wearing, because sitting still at this temperature made him chilled.
It took about forty minutes before Enar arrived, hurrying toward Lev. "I'm sorry to keep you waiting. It took longer than expected."
Now that he had the man in front of him, Lev's courage dissipated. He'd been crazy to do this. But he could hardly cancel now, seeing as how the man had showed up. Maybe he should make something up? Some random medical thing? But he sucked at lying, and when he'd tried, others had spotted it easily. No, he'd have to face this particular firing squad.
"I had a question. For you. Not because you're a doctor, although maybe as a doctor, you know more about it, but also because you're…you. I was hoping that maybe you could help me figure something out, but if you have other patients who need your attention I would totally understand, because it's not that important. I mean, it can wait, so if you need to go, just tell me."
Enar placed a hand on his arm. "Take a deep breath for me, Lev," he said softly, and Lev did as he was told. "Another one. Okay, that's much better. There is no reason to be nervous. I’m here and you’re important, so take your time."
Lev needed another couple of deep breaths before he trusted himself to speak. "How did you know you were different?"
He wasn't even sure if that made sense, because Enar frowned. But then the frown transformed into a soft smile. "By different you mean how did I know I was a beta?"
Lev nodded. Thank fuck the man had understood what he meant, because he'd been too scared of saying something wrong. He didn't understand it, but he sensed it was a difficult topic that he could hurt him with, so he wanted to get it right.
"I was still young when I already knew I was different, as you called it. In fact, that's how I would've labeled it myself. The older I got, the more I noticed how other alphas behaved, how I was supposed to behave, and the conflict that created inside me. Being an alpha… No, I should say, acting like an alpha was a role for me, a mask. It never felt authentic or comfortable. I had to force myself to conform to what was expected of me. It wasn't until I met Palani and Vieno and the four of us came together that I understood what and who I was."
Lev let that sink in. He recognized some of it, like feeling different and not being comfortable with some aspects of being an alpha, but he wasn't sure if it fully described his own experiences. Enar hadn't addressed the issue Lev was most interested in, though, and it wasn't something he could ask easily.
"You don't have to say anything if you don't want to, but are you questioning your own identity?" Enar asked, his voice nothing but understanding and kind. "And please know that I won't talk about this with anyone else, not even my mates. You have my word this stays between us."
After a short hesitation, Lev nodded.
"Can you tell me what part you're struggling with?"
Lev bit his lip. Even though he knew he could trust Enar, it was so complicated to voice what he was feeling. How could he, when he didn't even know himself?
"Do you want me to guess? Would that help you if I tried to put it into words?" Enar asked.
Lev nodded immediately.
"I don't know you very well, but if I had to guess, I would say it has to do something with your dynamic with Naran. Probably your sexual dynamic. Am I getting close?"
Lev felt his cheeks heat up, and he had to close his eyes and forced himself to breathe in and out deeply a few times. God, the instinct to run away was so strong, but he had to face this. "Yes," he whispered.
"Okay, let me tell you something. Because you're relatively new to the pack, you may not know this, but Lidon and I have been friends for a long time. We knew each other way before we met Vieno and Palani…and we had been what you could call friends with benefits for quite a while. Now, as you know, there is a big taboo on alphas submitting to another man, so it wasn't something we did in the open. But Lidon knew I needed that release every now and then, so when I’d reach that point, I would contact him, and he would give me what I needed."
Lev listened with growing astonishment. He’d seen Enar bottom for Lidon, but he hadn’t considered this was something they might have done before they were mates as well. Of course, if he identified as a beta, it made total sense that he would bottom for Lidon…and maybe for Palani as well. After all, most betas were versatile.
"The reason I'm telling you this, is so you understand that even though society says alphas shouldn't submit, I still did it and Lidon fully supported me. It was what worked for us, what the both of us needed. Lidon, as I'm sure you've figured out by now, is super dominant. That's how he's wired. Me, not so much. I can be in my work when I need to be, but it's not something I enjoy or that comes naturally. Even if I had been born in the body of a beta, I would've still been a lot more submissive than, for example, Palani. There's no shame in that. It's who I am, how I'm wired."
Because Enar was so open, it gave Lev the courage to ask what had been on his mind. "So what makes you feel that you're a beta? Is it just because you like being dominated?"
Enar shook his head. "No, though the fact that I loved bottoming for Lidon and that it was such a stress reliever for me was a big hint. It was the combination of everything, the realization that I didn't have any of the inner characteristics of an alpha, only the outward ones. Everything an alpha is supposed to do, supposed to be, it felt unnatural to me. Ever since I've started living as a beta I'm so much more at peace because it's who I am. I’m living the identity I'm experiencing on the inside, and it's made all the difference."
"So if I love being…dominated…" God, it was so hard to voice this, even when Enar was so kind and understanding. Lev took another fortifying breath, then pushed through his unease. "Even if I love being dominated, if I like bottoming, that doesn't mean I'm a beta?"
"No, it could be a signal, like it was with me, but that doesn't have to be the case. You could be a different type of alpha, someone who identifies as an alpha in other ways, just not sexually."
Lev frowned. "That's possible?"
Enar smiled at him. "Just because society doesn't talk about it doesn't mean it doesn't exist. Look, in their college years, many alphas sleep with each other. It's all hush-hush, and nobody wants to talk about it because it's such a taboo, but it happens. And I'll admit that most of them stop doing that once they’re out in the real world, but many of them only because they're afraid of social backlash. My guess is that if they had a choice, if they knew it wouldn't have repercussions, a hell of a lot more alphas would have sex with other alphas, or submit to betas, or even be in relationships with alphas."
Lev blinked a few times, letting those words sink in. "So you mean I'm not the only one? I thought something was broken in me…"
Enar placed a gentle hand on his knee. "Lev, sweetheart, there's nothing broken in you. You are good the way you are. All you need is to discover how you're wired and then find someone who can give you what you need."
Huh. How about that? He'd always thought he was the only one, the exception. After all, that's what he'd been led to believe, that alphas should not submit to others. As an alpha, you had to be the dominant one. It was why he had struggled so much when he had met Naran because he'd wanted nothing more than to be on his knees for him, to obey him, to be his sweet boy.
And he'd understood that for most alphas, that would be an insult, to be called sweet and a boy. But to him, it had been a compliment. Whenever Naran had called him that, it had made his heart swell with pride, with satisfaction. That had to be what Enar was referencing to, this need inside him.
"I can understand this must all be confusing for you and hard to figure out. Why don't you try to talk to Lars? I think you'll find the two of you have a lot in common."
"Lars? But he's a beta."
Enar nodded. "Yes, but he's also similar to you in that he likes to submit." Then Enar grinned. “No one would ever accuse him of making it easy, but it is what he needs. His relationship with Grayson is very different than his relationship with Sven, or how Grayson and Sven interact with each other. Lars has unique needs, and Grayson provides him with what Lars craves. It's beautiful to see."
"No offense, but are you sure Lars would want to talk to me? I know he's your brother, but he's not very…approachable."
Enar chuckled. "That's politely worded. Lars is like a cactus, all prickly and trying to keep everyone at a distance, but when he blooms, it's spectacular. If you want to, I can give him a heads-up, and I can promise you he'll listen to you and treat you with respect. If not, he'll know there will be consequences from Grayson."
Lev shook his head in disbelief at that statement. "And you're okay with that? I mean, I've never seen it, but I've heard that he spanks Lars. That's okay with you?"
"Absolutely. It's what he needs, Lev. That's something that a lot of people don't understand. If, for example, Lidon would want to spank Vieno, I would have a big problem with that. It's not what Vieno wants, what he needs, and Lidon is not the type to dole out punishments like that. It's not his style. It doesn't fit either of them. But Grayson is a Daddy at his very core, and god knows Lars needs one. He craves that discipline, that care. Seeing those three together is beautiful. So all I can say is that I’m happy my brother has found what he needed. And so have I." He smiled at Lev. "And that should be your goal. Figure out who you are, what it is you need, and then don't settle for anything less. But don't be ashamed of it either. Love has no shame."
25
Naran had known things would get awkward. He wasn't stupid. Lev asking him to hold him had been an impulse fueled by an emotional need. That didn't mean everything between them was okay, that Lev had forgiven him or even stopped hating him. So yeah, he had counted on things being difficult for a while.
What he hadn't expected was Sivney distancing himself. And there was no doubt that was exactly what was happening. The omega barely spoke to him, and when he did, it was in one- or two-syllable words. He didn't bring Abigail by anymore—which made Naran painfully aware of his loneliness. And even worse, he'd overheard a discussion between Lev and Sivney where they had been fighting over who had to help him shower. It seemed neither of them was enthusiastic about that task.
It made him feel like shit. Just when he'd thought things were looking up, when he'd had some hope for an existence with at least a small amount of joy, when he'd figured he'd changed enough to make friends, everything crumbled right before his eyes. And what was worse was that he couldn't figure out what he'd done wrong.
With Lev, he understood. The boy must have been shaken after their encounter and had retreated. That, Naran got. Lev had often been like that. He was someone who needed time to figure things out himself. Despite his tendency to word-vomit, he wasn't much of a talker with emotional issues. He preferred to work those out on his own, and then he would come back.
But Sivney, that was a different story. For the life of him, Naran could not figure out what he had done wrong. He'd gone over their interactions, but nothing stood out to him. It had been their usual banter, nothing special. So what had happened?
He had his door open nowadays, another big change compared to before, but that didn't keep people from knocking, which he appreciated. This time, it was Palani who knocked on the door, then walked in.
"Hey," the beta said. "I wanted to check in on you and see how you were doing."
Well, there was a new one. But Naran wasn't enough of an asshole to point that out. Not anymore, at least. "Thanks. That means a lot to me. I'm doing as well as can be expected."
See? He could play nice if he wanted to. Sivney would be proud of him, but that thought made him frustrated and sad all over again.
"I'm glad to hear it," Palani said, lowering himself into the chair next to Naran's bed. "I was happy to hear you've been more active and more social."
"You mean I've stopped being an asshole," Naran said dryly.
Palani grinned. "That wasn't how I would've worded it, but yeah, that's the gist of it."
"I figured it was time to make some changes."
Palani lifted an eyebrow. "You came to that conclusion all on your own?"
"Of course not. Don't act like you're stupid because we both know you're not. We have a little battering ram by the name of Sivney to thank for that."
Palani's face grew serious. "I am happy he got through to you. I was concerned about you."
"Yeah, so you told me when you threatened to break my legs again if I hurt him."
Palani winced. "Not one of my finest moments. I apologize again for that remark because that was uncalled for. It was cruel, and I should have never said it."
Naran let the silence hang before he said, "I still have nightmares every night."
"Have you talked to anyone about that?" Palani asked, then shook his head. "Of course you haven't. Forget I asked. Stupid question."
It wasn't said with meanness, so Naran took it as a genuine realization that he wasn't the type to seek help easily. "You're the first person I've told this."
"I'm honored but not sure why you would pick me."
Naran shrugged. "Call it the right moment. Plus, you're a fixer. When people tell you their problems, you solve them."
Palani leaned back in his chair, folding his hands behind his head. Something flashed over his face, and Naran frowned. But it was gone so quickly that he figured he must've imagined it. "I'm flattered by that description, but I don’t know how I could fix this. We've already talked about finding a psychologist to add to the pack, but so far, we haven't found anyone who fits the bill."
"I imagine most people have a lot to worry about at the moment with everything that's going on. Relocating must not be high on the priority list."
"You'd be surprised. Rumors are that people are leaving the capital in big numbers."
Naran frowned. "Are they headed here?"
"We don't know, but chances are some of them will pass by us and maybe try to find shelter here."
"How many will the pack take in?"
"That's something we've been talking about. It's also one of the reasons I'm here, actually. We’re planning a pack meeting for tomorrow night, and it would be good if you could be there."
"Okay. That would be the first one I attend, then."
Palani looked at him. "A part of me wants to say that was your own choice, but I also realize we should've done more to get you involved and engaged. We let ourselves be easily persuaded to stay away."
Naran couldn't help but laugh. "You certainly know how to word it," he said, still smiling. "You would've had to carry me out kicking and screaming to attend, although the kicking part is more metaphorically speaking. Trust me, I know I was a major asshole. I still am, just slightly less."
Palani leaned forward, his eyes fixed on Naran. "Maybe, but we never made you feel you were part of the pack, and that's on us. On me, more specifically."
The beta moved again, shifting in his chair, then winced. He rubbed both his temples.
"Headache?" Naran asked.
"I'm not getting enough sleep. Don't you start, because both Enar and Lidon have been riding my ass about this. I'll do better, I promise."
"I won’t say a word. Thanks for inviting me personally this time. I'll figure out how to get there."
Palani was still rubbing his temples, looking at the floor. "I'm sure Sivney would help you, right? That he's moved back doesn't mean he no longer wants to help, I assume."
"Moved back?"
Palani looked up. "Oh, he hasn't gotten that organized yet? I guess I was a little short with him. I can take care of it if he wants. Just tell him to let me know."
"Palani, I have no idea what you're talking about."
Palani looked at him as if Naran was stupid. "I'm talking about Sivney wanting to move back into his omega house."
It was as if Palani had stabbed him with a knife. The pain in his heart was swift, deep, and more agonizing than he'd ever experienced. Sivney wanted to move out? Why? And more importantly, why had he not said anything?
"Oh, you mean that. I misunderstood. I'll let him know," Naran said, fighting to keep his face blank and mentally crossing his fingers he'd pulled the wool over Palani's eyes.
Apparently, he'd succeeded because the beta rose from his chair. He swayed a little, holding on to the chair for a few seconds to find his balance. He must have quite the headache. "I have painkillers in my bathroom," Naran offered.
"I'll take you up on that offer. I've been trying to shake this headache all day, and it's not going anywhere."
"Help yourself. There's stuff in the medicine cabinet there."
The beta walked into his bathroom, and Naran heard him open the cabinet and take something out, then water running. About half a minute later, Palani stepped outside again. "Thank you. So we'll see you tomorrow? The meeting starts at seven."
Naran nodded. "Count on it."
