Lady Forsaken Box Set (Books 1 - 5), page 110
“That cannot be entirely true.” Alex’s heart broke to hear the things she said. He wondered if he would have preferred a childhood raised by a father with no love, or if he’d actually fared better than Ellie as an orphan.
“Do you know how many times he referred to my mother as anything other than a harlot, a jezebel, or a woman of loose morals? Do you know what age I was when I learned my mother’s name?”
He was at a loss for words, but knew she needed to speak hers—something she’d never been given in the past. He only took her hand and led her back to the lounge.
“I was seven the first time Marce came to me,” she sighed. “It was shortly after Mrs. Bee—the marquis’ housekeeper and the woman who cared for me—passed away. I was playing in the gardens, using sticks as dolls, when a woman—maybe ten years older than me—climbed the wall and dropped down by me. I would have screamed had I not been overjoyed to have someone talk to me—actually see me.” She leaned against him, staring across the empty room toward the far bank of windows, their drapes flung wide to allow in the morning sun. “She sat with me for hours and no one noticed. She told me grand tales of faraway lands. Soon, she told me of my mother, who she was and what had happened. That her mother, Sasha, and my mother were friends. After a few months of visits, she snuck me from the marquis’ house and took me to Craven House to meet her sisters. She showed me the exact path to take; one that kept away from busy streets and skirted less desirable areas along the way.”
Ellie’s need to keep others at a distance was something Alex could understand, but not why she continued to place him at arm’s length.
A faint smile touched her lips and she appeared to be miles away—in a time not so harsh. “I know you wonder why I continue to frequent Craven House, even with its reputation, but the women—I may not be able to call them family—but they are the closest thing I have ever had to friends. Until you.”
She looked up at him, and his breath hitched. “You are the loveliest creature I have ever beheld.” Ellie’s face reddened with discomfiture. “You are not the recipient of many compliments? I cannot believe that.”
“I am not, Alex,” she confessed. “Besides you—and my sister—no one takes much notice of me.”
“Then I shall count myself lucky your intense beauty has been kept hidden this long,” he continued. “After Lord Haversham’s ball, I am certain men will come clambering to gain your favor.”
“I hardly think so.” She shook her head in disbelief. “I was barely in the ballroom.”
“But you did dance, at least one dance?” he baited.
“I danced one perfectly exquisite dance in the arms of a man who is most suited to leading a woman about a dance floor.” Ellie peeked up at him through lowered lashes, her embarrassment turning coy. The woman may have attended her first London soiree just last night, but she had long ago mastered the coquettish look of a blushing debutante—he only hoped she saved all her talents solely for him.
He raised an eyebrow in question.
“He was a perfect gentleman, if you must know.”
“That is refreshing to hear.”
“I enjoyed myself so much, I did not notice the chilly night air.” She teased him now, bringing back to mind the short time she’d spent in his arms the previous night. “I only wish I hadn’t ruined everything as quickly as it began.”
“You did not ruin anything,” said Alex reassuringly. “It was simply a shock.”
“Does it set your mind at ease to know I only put the pieces together two short days ago?”
He’d thought she’d known far longer—it was one of the reasons he’d reacted so intensely. “I thought you sent me to the solicitor’s office on a lark, knowing the whole time who I was—laughing at my expense.”
Alex couldn’t believe he’d admitted his deepest fears from the last day. If she’d been capable of deceiving him so, with no guilt, it wasn’t likely she’d ever change, but he understood now why Ellie had held on to the secret for the short time she had.
“I would never.” Tears clouded her eyes once more. “You must believe me, I debated every moment between when I suspected everything and the time you confronted me. It was the worst thing I could have done—when all I longed to do was go to you and disentangle everything together.”
Chapter 21
“There is still time,” he whispered.
Ellington could not believe the compassion and forgiveness the man next to her was capable of—she’d known his protective side, the part of him that tried his best to guide her. She’d taken his actions as a need to bend her to his will, as her father would have. But never did she dream anyone could show her this level of kindness. It was his right to have the servants remove all the papers to the Haversham townhouse or Lord Chastain’s residence and never speak to her again. Or worse still, cast her from the Drake townhouse for her deceitful actions. Alex was free to expose her for the fraud she was, spread her name and misdeeds before all of London as repayment for her horrible decisions.
However, he sat next to her, caressing her hand as she kept the tears at bay. All the while attempting to solve everything for her—without regard for his own circumstances.
How had she been so very wrong about him?
How had she doubted his intentions and motives?
How had she thought to live without him?
How had she ever believed there was any other future for her than by his side?
“Everything is so overwhelming.” Ellington had thought of little else since her father’s passing, except for a way to keep her home—not that the property was in any way sentimental, but it was the only thing she counted as hers. For this short year, she’d been in control of something—and no one had done anything to take it from her.
Drake House was the one thing she prayed no one could take from her. It was her independence, and without it, she would be beholden to another. A fate she wouldn’t take to kindly. “What can either of us do?”
“I need only speak with Lord Haversham,” Alex said. “I am certain he will know where to begin and a way to sort everything out. Also, Mr. Adams should know any recourse we may have.”
“And the marquis’ demand that we wed?” Part of Ellie yearned for Alex to yield to her father’s demands, for it would make everything come easier—though it would be a selfish act that would benefit only her, when before, he was the one to gain.
“Ellie,” he said, pulling her close once more. “I will never force you to do anything.”
“But you have every right—“
“No one has the right to force you into a future not of your choosing, even your father—and especially not me.” He turned to fully face her, holding her stare. “This is your home. It will always be your home. I will perish before I allow anyone to take it from you. If you refuse to marry me, it does not change what is already mine—and I will never take what is yours.”
A man who did not seek to claim all and conquer anything denied him? One such as Alex did not exist, she was certain. “I do not deserve such kindness.” It was everything and nothing, all in one simple sigh.
“You deserve much more than my kindness…” He let his words trail off.
Ellie sensed he had much more to say, and she wanted him to continue more than she needed air to breathe, but she feared next would come his declaration of an exception to his kindness. Possibly, ‘…much more than my kindness, but I shall claim what is mine,’ or something else heartbreaking, something certain to take away all she’d begun to hope for once again.
The moment she started to truly believe in his words and trust in him, it would all be stripped away—promises that were never his to make.
Her father had made it so.
“Why can you not believe how I feel about you?” he asked.
She’d puzzled over that very thing many times. It wasn’t only his feelings toward her that Ellie was unable to reconcile, but Ruby’s and Marce’s, too. “My life has not been one of care, hugs, and kind words.” Ellie needed him to hear everything, and then, if he hadn’t turned away from her, maybe she could have faith in him. “I do not doubt you—or that you believe every word you say, but have you ever wondered if we are not in control of our fate?” She paused but quickly continued before he shot down her thoughts, counting off the many ways their future seemed out of their hands. “Your mother made it necessary for you to spend your life hiding, my father kept me as little more than a servant in his home…and now, by some cruel twist, we are to wed, but what name shall we list when the bans are read? Am I to call you Peter? I do not know a Peter. And will you list your intended as the daughter of a marquis? How can you do that and leave my mother’s name—and scandalous past—from the gossip rags?”
Ellie stopped to catch her breath as ten more poignant questions begged to be asked.
But she kept silent when Alex only smiled, not answering a single one.
“These are not questions that need answers today—or even ten years from now.”
She knew once she told him everything he’d be gone—of course, no answers would be needed in ten years because he’d have long forgotten her by then. Likely moved on and matured into the duke he was meant to be. Ellie would not be surprised to learn he’d taken his seat in Parliament and spent his off-season traveling between his estates, mending his buildings, and tending to the people who depended on him for their livelihoods.
“Because none of it matters.”
“Of course, none of it matters,” Ellie repeated, hoping verbalizing the words would make them true; that in ten years, she’d forget all about the kindest, most generous, bravest man she’d ever met. That she could lie to herself and say he hadn’t made her a better person, if not now, than in the years to come. That she’d remember him and smile.
When, in truth, her fate lie closer to her father’s if Alex walked out of her life. She would only remember him with her heart breaking anew each time he came to mind.
She couldn’t look at him any longer. The tears pooling in her eyes were on the verge of betraying her—and she did not want his pity. Ellie wouldn’t stall his departure by using female tactics. It was not fair to either of them. Alex, in his extreme need to be good and kind, would stay by her side, though he’d made it clear it wasn’t what he wanted. And she would only delay her own heartbreak, all the while knowing the longer he stayed, the harder it would be to let go—of him, the way he made her feel, and the future she couldn’t stop herself from envisioning.
“Even if our love results in both of us being shunned by society and thrown from our homes,” he whispered into her ear, her breath hitching, “at least we will have each other. We will make our own home. Now, would it be so awful to embrace the destiny the marquis planned for you—for us?”
She’d once thought a life tied to a stable hand the worst fate of all, living in horrid conditions with little guarantee of food or warmth, but in this moment, she’d be happy to walk out of the marquis’ house, never to return, and allow whatever power ruled above to drive her fate, if only she could have him.
“I have spent my life doing the exact opposite of what made my father happy,” she admitted. “However, I only see now that I was aligning myself with his fate in life, instead of carving my own path.” It was the harshest reality yet for her. Ellie had thought all these years she was living—doing everything—in spite of him. She replayed what Alex had just said. “Did you say, love?” She lifted her face to stare straight into his eyes, knowing he could not hide from her there.
“I have loved you—spent my life searching for you—for so long I cannot remember.” Her eyes swelled with tears at his words. “Do not cry.” He took her chin, lifting her face so she could look at him, and placed a gentle kiss near each eye, the taste of her tears moistening his lips. “I did not realize until recently what had been missing from my life. I’d always thought the gaping hole I knew lay inside me was due to my lack of family, but I have always had Mrs. Dutton and the children, and more recently, Lord and Lady Haversham. My heart still yearned for more. So I worked hard, strengthened not only my weakened limbs but also my mind. Yet the emptiness persisted to grow inside me until I feared falling in—and disappearing forever.”
Pulling back from her, he saw her eyes were closed. Not clinched tightly as if to keep him out, but with her lashes lightly touching, her chin tilted up, and her lips—normally drawn in a straight line of displeasure—slightly open as if waiting for his words. Or his kiss.
“But you…being with you is slowly closing it, or maybe it is your presence that is filling me, making me more complete than I’ve ever been,” he continued. “I’d started noticing the hole disappearing when we spent time together at Christmastide, and then when I vowed to keep better watch over you. For it could not be anything more than the sense of usefulness and satisfaction I felt at protecting you, but it is so much more than that.”
Ellie’s eyes remained shut, closing off her feelings, but she didn’t pull away.
“Truly, everything began to change after our first moments together in the marquis’ study. Do you remember?” he asked, fearing she wouldn’t answer. The night likely brought back horrible memories for her—as she’d stumbled upon him after a nasty fight with the marquis.
“You made me smile,” she said on a sigh. “The first one in a long time.”
“It was that and your kindness at keeping my secret that began all this.”
“I had only just found out I had a sister.” Her eyes never opened, but the corners of her mouth turned up in a faint smile. “The marquis and I had gotten into a particularly harrowing argument only moments before—he’d hurled the foulest insults that day. I was ready to collect my things and escape into the night, but then I heard you.”
“Reading the marquis’ favorite tale and sitting in his prized chair.”
“Yes.” She leaned into him ever so slightly he wasn’t sure if he only imagined it. “Your tone lulled the fury within, banished the hurt—if only for a brief moment.”
He longed for more than only a brief moment, he wanted a lifetime with her.
“Your gall and straightforward nature were refreshing.” She opened her eyes then, and he was lost. “I never had to examine your words or actions for hidden meanings or wonder what you hoped to gain from me—but I did. And I am eternally sorry for that. I have treated you horribly during our short acquaintance.”
“It is much more than an acquaintance.” He saw it as much more than that—and if Ellie didn’t, he was doomed to follow the heartbroken path Drake had.
They’d spoken of many things—their troubled pasts, their less than desirable sires, and what they both deserved for the future; but none of this mattered if she didn’t return his love. It was that one thing that would overcome any obstacle in their path.
“You have changed my view on many things,” she said. “Though, I knew in my heart I stayed guarded. My father was incapable of showing his love, but that does not mean I suffer the same shortcoming. He was talented in finding my weaknesses and using them to hurt me, but you and Ruby do not deserve that treatment from me. So much time could have been saved—many relationships given hope to flourish—if I hadn’t built the wall to keep the marquis out. All I succeeded in doing was keeping those who truly do care about me at a distance.”
Alex allowed her to work through her own thoughts, settling on wrapping his arms around her as she spoke. Once everything was out, then they could work as one to put the pieces back together—and see what that revealed for them.
“If only I could go back, knowing what I know now.” She relaxed into his embrace, something he’d never witnessed her do. “I would try to comfort my father. I would not have pushed Ruby away, maybe even accepted her offer of a home, but that would have taken me from you.”
“And you do not wish to be parted from me?” It was all he needed to know.
“Never.”
Alex pulled back quickly. Ellie’s red hair framed her smiling face, the emotion behind that one smile traveling all the way to her eyes. It was as if a great weight had been lifted from her, allowing her to express her true self—and with it, came Alex’s bliss. He’d never thought it proper—or sane—to hinge your happiness or contentment on another’s actions or emotions, but he knew he’d never truly know either without her.
Genuine happiness.
Ultimate passion.
Lifelong love.
It all rested on Ellie.
He should feel ill at ease and worried, but this was different. She was changed—a new glow surrounded her not caused by a lit fire or the setting sun; it came from within.
Chapter 22
Ellie resisted the urge to kiss him for only a brief moment, fearing he didn’t understand all she wanted. She would not be content if their moment ended in anything less than a kiss.
Leaning forward, she pressed her mouth to his.
And something inside her came alive. It was almost as if she could feel the blood heating in her veins and pumping through her entire body at an alarming rate. The closest sensation she’d felt to this was when the tip of Eckles’ whip had licked at her arm, but this was all pleasure with no pain.
Unlike their previous kiss, this was not one of desperation or influence. The kiss was not in payment for any favor or future request. It was not one of them seeking to force dominance over the other or a petty plea for control.
When she moved her lips across his, Alex did the same, creating a rhythm from the unknown, much as their dance the previous evening had. They moved to an unheard melody, in complete harmony.
Neither hesitated when he pulled her onto his lap, his arms wrapping securely around her while Ellie’s hands grasped his shoulders. Not because she feared she’d fall from her seat, but because, for once, she didn’t trust herself. She quickly slid her tongue across his lower lip, parting their mouths for a moment. Her fingers tightened their grip as she struggled to keep her hands from moving to the front of his shirt—and unbuttoning the row until she reached where they disappeared into his pants.
