Quantum State, page 21
If Kazimir and I both agreed to marriage, MAQS could go for it. She could weave some reason I'm still suitable, like I've paid my penance and have been forgiven, or I was forced to do it all by a madman who's now been caught.
I imagine that life, what that life would really look like to me. Me with Kazimir…the two of us living in a Keeper's district and both of us knowing that I created MAQS, that essentially I created this world we live in, because without MAQS's programming none of it would exist.
He wants children, kids MAQS also wants us to have. Our two boys and one girl would come running through the front door after playing outside. We could be happy. I would be happy. But I'd feel a part of me was missing. The part that belonged to me since I was nine and stayed with me all these years. That part that never left my side, abandoned me or betrayed me. The part that would never give up on me, and never turn me in. I couldn't just give that part of me up.
With my head against the wood table, my eyelashes flick open while everyone is asleep, and I know that while such a dream life would be lovely, that that life is not the one I want, because more than anything I need someone who will chose me over MAQS, will need someone who knows the truth, yet still carries a seed of mistrust—however small—in the back of his mind for MAQS; a mistrust that propels him to prefer a human's eye to a computer's programming.
When forced to choose between MAQS or myself, I'd be hard pressed to know who Kazimir would choose, knowing what he knows now, with his loyalties even stronger for MAQS. But I have no doubt in my mind who Esfir would choose—where his loyalties are. He is always with me.
We must have slept for a few hours at least, with our heads on the table, because when I feel a tap on my shoulder and awake, I'm rested.
“Masha, you ready to go home?” Esfir asks. I rub my eyes and yawn, and then stand. I walk around to where Mama sleeps, her head so tiny over the large frame of wood, her familiar features so missed.
“Mama.” I shake her shoulder until she opens her eyes. “I've got to be going now.”
Mama sits up, her arms stretching around me. “Take care of yourself, and whatever MAQS decides…know it's for the best.”
“Sure.” I nod, still unsure if MAQS could really predict the best outcome for my life. “I'll visit soon, every day if I can.” I hug her again, not really wanting to let go, but I know I must.
“Whatever MAQS suggests,” Mama says, and it's still weird hearing those words from Mama. Masha Mikhailov the first. The woman who led Freedom and who wouldn't give up until she stopped MAQS. And how can I now just trust her—after everything I went through? Logically, that makes the most sense, but emotionally I'm not fully there, yet.
I take a few steps with Esfir before I turn to Kir. “You coming?”
He shakes his head. “No, now that I know everything, I don't see a reason for MAQS to keep Masha from me, a reason for me to have to return to my tent inside of Cherni. I have nothing to return to. No family, no children, no home. I want to stay here, to help Masha—to help MAQS—with this experiment.”
“Okay, then,” I reply, and walk out with Esfir at my side. We signal to the escortbots to guide us, though after we've hit the border of Cherni, we know our way. To have them at our side, a protection, is nice now, though still kind of weird. The bots lead us up through the zones, and over the park and past the Cylindrical.
“To town hall?” I ask, diverting from the bots' path to take us to our respective homes.
“What for?”
“To talk with Kazimir. Maybe he can weigh in on this whole marriage thing?”
“Yeah, maybe,” Esfir retorts doubtfully with an arched brow.
The bots lead us to the front doors of town hall, where Keepers work, where Kazimir will be, and they let us in as if we own the place.
“This is so weird,” I say in response to the bots' behavior, and Esfir half smiles.
“Tell me about it.”
Once inside, I head to the cells where I've been kept twice prior, because I know Kazimir will be there. His duty will mean more to him now than ever, knowing what I know. That MAQS is in fact a protector. Something he's been saying all along. He'll never ever have any reason to doubt her. Even if I might, because I'm not sure I'll ever by fully comfortable with someone else—something else—making all of my decisions for me.
He stands so sure, and satisfied with it all as he leans against a wall and I have to wonder how he's so comfortable so quickly with everything we've learned. He doesn't seem disturbed at all by the fact that the human race became extinct, that we in Cherni are but a small number of humans left in the world, and only because our grandparents were cloned. I'm not even sure what that makes us.
I guess he's rationalized it all more easily than I thought, because he's used to being alone, as a Keeper anyway. They spend most of their days and nights surveilling. He doesn't have time for friends or close relationships. MAQS is his life.
“Kazimir!” I call to him at the end of the hall.
Esfir inches backward awkwardly. “I'll just wait here.”
I rush over to Kazimir, his face beaming and hopeful. “Mama is really alive!”
Kazimir grins widely with an unsurprised face. “I know.”
“You know?” My forehead crinkles. “How?”
“MAQS told us in the underground.”
“Right, but I guess I just had to see it for myself to really believe it. I just couldn't accept it without seeing it myself.”
“I understand.”
I pause, suspicious. Maybe MAQS will give Kazimir what he wants…namely me. I mean, I'm now one of just a handful of people who know the truth about Cherni, about MAQS, and about Mama. And Kazimir, well he is still her number one Keeper. The one she relies on for everything, and with him knowing the truth he will go up the ranks even faster. “So, what are you so happy about?”
“Nothing, it's just your eighteenth birthday.”
“I know, and…” I choke on my words, and cough.
“You, okay?”
“Yeah, it's just I wanted to tell you something important.”
Kazimir grins. “I know that too.”
“You know what?” I crinkle my nose, unsure.
“That you don't want me. MAQS told me. She heard your conversation with your mama. You don't have to marry me. MAQS won't make you. I won't make you.”
I sigh in relief, because I honestly, I was worried.
“Besides, what would we tell the citizens of Cherni? That MAQS allowed a fugitive into the most respected Keeper family?”
“I guess not,” I say, not sure if I'm disappointed. I guess I'm not sure what I expected, maybe a fight. “So, your reassignment will happen, then?”
“Yeah, to that girl I told you about,” he says. “It's a done deal.”
“That's great, right?” My chest rises and I can finally breathe again. “I mean, it's not that I don't like you.”
“I know, I know.” He winks, though I know he's hurt inside. “It's just that you're in love with someone else.”
“I've known him all my life.” My gaze catches Esfir standing awkwardly against the back wall behind me, patiently waiting for my return.
“It's cool. I just want you to be happy.” Kasimir says, his voice cracking slightly.
“Thanks.” I glance away at his intense stare and then change subjects. “But what about children? MAQS didn't match me and Esfir?”
“MAQS said she will make this one exception. No one will ever know, but since you are her creator so-to-speak, the one who brought her to life, she said she will do this for you and allow you to choose what kind of children you bring into the world.”
I almost smile or bite my lip in a snarl. Not sure which. I got my way, but I am still—like us all—under the power of MAQS. “So, why were you beaming when you saw me? I thought for sure you'd done a deal with MAQS to 'reacquire' me or something.” I half-laugh.
Kazimir shrugs. “It was a disappointment to be reassigned.” He shakes his head. “But MAQS knows best and I trust her.” He grabs my arm and leads me down the side corridor. “But I wasn't happy to see you because I thought we were going to be married, anyway. I was happy to see you to give you this.” He pulls the cloth off a very large purple-and-blue flower-decorated cake and smiles. “Happy birthday!”
I laugh uncontrollably and grab a piece of sliced cake onto a wooden plate before kissing Kazimir on the cheek. “Friends?”
“For life.”
I walk off with my slice of cake and straight into the arms of Esfir.
“Did you tell him?”
“I did.”
“And?”
“And I'm petitioning MAQS for you and I to get married!”
“What?” Esfir half-screams as we walk out of the front doors of town hall.
State of Happiness
I never thought MAQS would become like a friend to me, but in this moment—this moment of my marriage to Esfir—she does. She agreed for me to marry Esfir, because she knew I'd never be fully happy with Kazimir, that a part of me would rebel, and she wants me on her side; needs me on her side in this future she is creating for us all. She gave me what I chose—a weird thing to say, what I chose—for my loyalty to her. I felt this was a fair exchange. After all, I had my mama back, and now I had my best friend too.
I walk down the aisle over a satin cloth of creamy white, reminding me of the fluffy cake Kazimir got for me, and toward Esfir at the other end, who waits patiently for me beside a priestbot. His freckled nose never looked more tempting and his tall stance never more regal. Both sides of the aisle are decorated in creme-white flowers tucked between and looped over about a twenty chairs lined up outside in Esfir's backyard. That is tradition, for the bride to be wed in her husband to-be's backyard. Everyone I've ever known has done it this way—at least everyone I've known in this lifetime.
I try to imagine what life will be like with Esfir as I walk down the aisle with my papa at my side. My stepmum holding Julian, friends from school, Esfir's parents, even Inna, Kazimir, and Kir all stare at me the whole way, as if I hold the world in my hands. Only some of them know everything I've been through, everything I've apparently done in a life I lived prior to this one. Only a handful know that my mama, the one person I miss most at this wedding, isn't absent because she committed suicide, but because she found another purpose—one alongside MAQS outside of Cherni. Esfir, Kir, Kazimir, and Inna are linked to me permanently because of the secrets we share.
I lift my dress, a fluffy white lace that holds me tight around my chest in a bow, as I listen to the music, something called Pachelbel's Canon in D. I didn't hear the song at my mama's wedding—I hadn't been born yet. The last time I remember the music was at my stepmum's wedding to Papa. I was mesmerized by it, and am even more so now because the music finally belongs to me.
Strange, I never imagined myself married. I thought by now I'd be free of Cherni, of MAQS, heading toward a life I'd create for myself outside, in freedom. But I'm here, and oddly I don't regret any of it as I step away from Papa and toward Esfir to let him take my hands into happily ever after inside of Cherni.
Papa's heart is breaking, and not just for having to give me away—but for having to give me to Esfir. Diana and Papa have both shown their disappointment in different ways. Papa is quieter with me than usual, and Diana doesn't make me my favorite foods anymore. Their regret will fade, in time. I tell them that I am better suited for Esfir, that Mama would want me to marry for love, not obligation. The reasoning seems to ease Papa's heart some, but Diana can't get past the notion of more social gossip about her family. But that will pass in time, too.
The day I returned from town hall, Papa scolded me for inciting the protestors with my shenanigans, as he called them, and worried MAQS would keep me in jail for months. After all, I broke into town hall after curfew. But none of the details of why I did were ever released, and neither was my escape through the wall with Esfir. MAQS wanted them to remain a secret. So, no one knows the real reason Esfir and I broke into town hall, or what we found. The incident was chalked up to two teenagers playing pranks.
Kazimir's name was left out of everything, but his half-sister Inna had to do two days in jail for inciting violence against bots. I heard from Kazimir that it was hard for her, especially after learning the truth. The knowledge that these eight districts are the only patches left on Earth where humans even exist—and that her grandparents, her parents, and even herself are all clones—hit her hard. Harder than Esfir. It was difficult being raised by a father who was not your blood-relation, and now this. Her idea of family has been altered drastically. But MAQS couldn't let her go unpunished; everyone saw her speak at the podium. A consequence had to be meted out.
Rumors spread about the Calypso Tower prisoners breaking out and aiding me in my entry into town hall. But MAQS quickly dispelled the rumors by stating they were given permission that day, to march with the protestors, because she doesn't want anyone feeling that their voice is unheard. As long as protests are done in a non-violent way and don't break laws, no one will be sentenced to jail. MAQS can't let the citizens believe that breaking out of Calypso Tower is possible.
No one knew Kir, and MAQS prefers to keep it that way. His name has never been mentioned and besides at the wedding, he doesn't plan on being seen again. He will be my mama's aide. I guess he will adjust to this new reality in the arms of his old love, and forget humanity is doomed without MAQS.
Everyone, including Papa and Diana, has been told these stories. Even Esfir and I had to spend a few days in jail before our wedding for breaking curfew laws and be sentenced to forty hours of community service for paying off a Keeper to let us out of jail. The unnamed Keeper has since been 'fired.' The show of punishment has seemed to solidify MAQS hold on Cherni.
I look up to my soon-to-be husband, standing so ready for me. His hands are so soft and hold mine as if he'll never let go, and I know he won't. Not even if MAQS herself told him to. That's the difference between Esfir and Kazimir, and that's why I have no doubts about who I'm marrying—because Kazimir would let me go if he was ordered to by our quantum creator; Esfir never would.
The priestbot greets family and friends.
As I look deep into Esfir's forest-green eyes, I am flooded with memories of our many walks down the sidewalk after Pod, our whispered conversations, of him breaking rules for me, of him once getting me a carrot cake and me stealing books for him from my Pod's trunk. Of our many recent excursions to the Cylindrical, and even of us breaking out of Cherni and into the underground to meet MAQS in these past days. He is my past and he will be my future.
I smile wide, from cheek to cheek, as the priestbot recites words about unifying us from this day forward before Esfir says his personal vows, and I can feel myself already getting weak in the knees as his lips quiver. His hands squeeze mine, and I notice my papa wipe a tear from his swelling eyes, a lump appears in my throat. “I loved you the moment I saw you with hair to your shoulders, and wide chocolate eyes. You walked alone down the sidewalk past my Pod when I was just nine.” He shakes his head. “You seemed upset, stomping your feet as you mumbled something about marriage to a boy you never met. I chuckled and you slapped me.”
I grin, remembering the embarrassing details.
“Then, I grabbed your hand and told you I'd walk you home to make sure you didn't have to get married.” Esfir laughs tears as I try to hold back mine in recollection. “You nodded your head and let me take you all the way to your doorstep. I didn't dare try to kiss you then, or years later when we were still friends.” He leans into me, into my air, into my lips. “But I dare now.”
With the audience silent in captivation, I read my personal vows. “I never thought I'd marry, or that I was marriage material. Marriage was the furthest thing from my mind.” I look up and smile into the audience. “But somehow, everything led me here.” I turn to Esfir. “To you.” I pull him closer. “I will forever stand beside you as you dare to stand beside me, for as long as we both shall live.”
“For as long as we both shall live,” Esfir says.
Then, the priestbot guides us in our traditional vows. “Do you, Esfir, take Masha to be your lawfully wedded wife?”
“I do,” he answers.
“Will you honor, love, and respect her through your years together?”
“I will,” he declares.
Then, I repeat the same.
Esfir then says the traditional vow he's practiced. “I will love you through the good and the bad, through the joy and the sorrow. I will try to be understanding, and to trust in you completely. I will make you a part of me and, in turn, become a part of you. Together, we will face all of life's experiences and share one another's dreams and goals. We will be equal partners in an open, honest relationship throughout the years.”
After I repeat the traditional vows, I continue.
“It is my intention to be your best friend, to respect and support you, to be patient with you, to work together with you to achieve those things that are important to us, to accept you unconditionally, and to share life with you throughout the years. I pledge to you with all my heart and being to love and support you in all ways, to my utmost capabilities, for the rest of our lives.”
Esfir repeats the sentiments as I choke up, and Esfir grips my hand and reminds me to be strong. Then, the priestbot directs Inna with a hand gesture to enter the stage. She holds two silver rings in her palm, a palm from which I've gotten used to taking things.
Esfir takes the first ring and slips it over my ring finger as he says, “With this ring, I pledge my love.”
I follow after him, and then the priestbot speaks.
“With the authority vested in me by MAQS and the district of Cherni, witnessed by your family and friends, I have the pleasure to pronounce you husband and wife. You may seal your vows with a kiss.”
