Freed, page 12
“I thought so,” Eric replies. “I saw your game against Duke. That was a hell of a game.”
A genuine smile crosses Dylan’s face – the first since we got here – and some of his tension fades away. I suppose talking about a subject he’s familiar and comfortable with is helping him relax.
“We got lucky,” Dylan says.
“Don’t be so modest,” Eric laughs. “You guys kicked their asses.”
Dylan laughs and the two of them start talking sports – Eric’s as big of a sports fan as Dylan, so they have that in common. I’d be glad if Dylan and Eric got to be friends just to give them each somebody to talk sports with since it doesn’t interest me in the least.
Jacob, somebody I’ve known since high school, and one of the first people I came out to, leans over and grins at me.
“So, where did you two meet?” he asks.
“I’m a TA in one of his classes,” I answer.
“The boy has a teacher fetish, huh?”
“He must,” I respond. “Must be because I still believe in corporal punishment. He does like his spankings.”
Jacob bursts into laughter, making Dylan and Eric look over at us questioningly. I wave them off and they both go back to their conversation. Auddie and I exchange glances and she smiles, as if to say, “she told me so.” I have to agree with her though, she was right. Sure, he’s not one hundred percent comfortable just yet, but bit by bit, I can see Dylan starting to relax. He’s finding that he has a lot in common with Eric – which is something I guarantee he didn’t expect.
Over the course of the next couple of hours – and quite a few mimosa’s – Dylan gets to know everybody and although I can tell he’s still not fully comfortable, he’s loosened up quite a bit. And more importantly to me, everybody makes him feel welcome and accepted. I knew they would but I would be lying if I said I didn’t still have some concerns about how it was all going to play out. After all, Dylan’s frat – and many of his teammates – have been assholes to a lot of us simply because we’re gay.
Anti-gay sentiment is pretty prevalent around campus and is embodied by the jock culture. Dylan has unfortunately been a part of that. To be fair, I don’t believe he’s responsible for some of the terrible things that have been done. Over the objections of some students and a whole lot of parents, a gay club had been established on campus that was supposed to be a safe place for them. Their meeting hall was vandalized a while back and about a month after that, it mysteriously burned to the ground and was never rebuilt. Some of the gay students on campus have been targeted for harassment and had their lives made a living hell. A few have been beaten viciously.
The school never did anything about it though. They claimed it couldn’t be proven the students were beaten because they were gay. They wrote it off as a random attack, calling them muggings, or simple disputes between students. Gay bashing has never been taken seriously by the school’s administration.
Of course, it didn’t help that the students who were attacked failed to come forward and identify their attackers. I don’t doubt some of the victims genuinely didn’t know who’d beaten them. But I know for a fact that some were just too scared to name names for fear of retribution that might prove even worse. And rather than deal with the ongoing fear, I know some people who’ve transferred out of the school entirely.
I know it’s part of the reason Auddie was so insistent that I come forward – I not only knew my attackers and their motivations but she knew I had the courage to say something. She knew that me coming forward would force the school to do something and confront the anti-gay prejudice on campus. I had my doubts though – doubts that were justified by the utter whitewashing of the incident.
The Campus should be a safe place for people of all genders, races, creeds, colors, religions, and sexual orientations. If anything, having to deal with the school’s administration throughout this whole ordeal has made me more determined than ever to confront this issue and force the school to make some substantive changes.
But that’s neither here nor there at this point. Right now, the only thing that matters is Dylan and my friends. And on that score, everything seems to be going even smoother than I’d dared hope.
I take his hand under the table and give it a firm squeeze, reassuring him. He looks over at me and smiles then surprises me by lifting our hands, fingers intertwined, and setting them on the top of the table, in plain view of everybody. I look over at him and feel my heart swell to the breaking point. I catch a glance from Auddie who gives me a wide smile and a wink.
I didn’t think this day could get any better but I was wrong – and I’m glad I was.
Chapter Fifteen
Dylan
I take the pass from our midfielder Josh and cradle it in the head of my shortie – the stick attackers use – as I race down the field. The defender steps up and I spin, lowering my shoulder and deliver a body shot to him. A grin stretches across my face when I hear the telltale oomph of the air being driven from his body after taking a solid shot to the midsection.
It’s going to take him a minute to catch his breath and recover and suddenly, there’s nothing but green between me and the goal.
I streak in from the right wing and watch as the goalie positions himself to cut me off. He’s hoping to force me to shoot from a sharp angle and lower my chances of scoring. I close to within six feet of him and with a deft flick of my wrist, fire a crisp pass across the field to Spencer, who’s racing in from the left wing. He catches and shoots in one swift blur of motion, the ball slamming into the back of the net.
Our team cheers and howls in celebration as the other side hangs their heads and gives us all the finger.
“Okay, okay, settle down,” Coach Parker calls out. “Everybody on me.”
The team gathers around Coach Parker in the middle of the field and I jog over, taking off my helmet as I go. I stand at the edge of the crowd and Spencer takes up a spot next to me. It takes a minute – and several profanities from Coach Parker – but eventually the rest of the team quiets down.
“Okay, that was a solid shift by the offense,” he calls out to us. “And the defense looked like shit. So you all know what that means.”
Half of us laugh and the other half groan. Coach runs one final shift at the end of practice and the rule is simple – whoever loses the shift runs. The blue squad lost, so they’ve got to do a mile.
“Also, let’s welcome Spencer and Dylan back to practice,” Coach Parker goes on. “We had a rough time without you.”
There’s a lot of laughter and applause among the team which makes me look away, feeling a rising tide of disgust within me. They’re cheering and applauding us because they think we beat a gay guy. Maybe a month or two ago, I wouldn’t have batted an eye. Hell, maybe I would have been one of those cheering along.
Things are different now though. Everything’s changed and as they carry on like that, all I feel is revulsion.
“Without you two, we lost to Virginia Tech,” Coach Parker says, to the chorus of boos from the team. “And since we lost because of your stupidity, you get to run with the blue team.”
Our squad erupts into laughter as Coach Parker sends us off to run. Spencer and I roll our eyes at each other but fall into line, joining the rest of the blue squad on the track to pay our penance, followed by the sound of our teammates laughing at us.
Later on, after we’ve showered and cleaned up, I’m walking back across the quad with Spencer. It’s starting to get dark and there’s a crisp breeze blowing across campus. We pass small clusters of people coming and going from class.
“Let’s go get a pitcher at the Nest,” Spencer suggests.
“Dude, I’m tired and sore as hell right now,” I reply, shaking my head. “I haven’t been run like that in a while.”
“Exactly why you need a beer to work those knots out of your muscles and shit,” he laughs. “I heard it from a personal trainer.”
“Uh huh,” I laugh.
“Come on, bro,” he says. “We haven’t hung out in a while. Shit, you’re not even staying at the frat most nights anymore.”
“Didn’t know you cared so much,” I respond and laugh. “That’s kinda sweet.”
He gives me the finger and laughs. “Where have you been lately, anyway?”
“Here and there,” I tell him.
“Yeah? What’s her name?”
He gives me a knowing grin, assuming I’ve been shacking up with a girl somewhere and I feel a nervous flutter in my belly. There’s part of me that wants to tell Spencer. If there’s one guy on the team I can tell, it would be him – not because he’d understand but because he’d be the least likely to judge me for it. Spencer has a surprisingly open mind, given his conservative upbringing.
We pass a small group of guys sitting at a table outside the coffee house and I hear my name. Surprised, I turn around and see a familiar face looking back at me so I give him a wave. Spencer looks at me, a strange expression on his face as the guy gets up from the table and walks over to me. I shake hands with him and he gives me a quick hug and a pat on the back.
“Eric,” I say. “How are you?”
He nods. “I’m good, man. You?”
“Can’t complain,” I reply. “Eric, this is my friend Spencer.”
Eric shakes his hand. “Hey, I remember you had a hell of a game against North Carolina,” he says. “What did you have – four or five goals?”
“Good memory,” Spencer replies. “It was five.”
We all stand around making small talk for a few minutes and I realize that Spencer has no idea Eric is gay. I almost want to laugh but I hold it in, not wanting to ruin the moment. If Spencer can strike up a genuine, organic friendship with somebody who’s gay, maybe it’ll take some of the stigma out of it for him. And if he can be at ease around a gay man and see there’s nothing to fear or be freaked out by, maybe it’ll help with some of the other guys on the team. Who knows? Maybe it’ll help with some of the anti-gay sentiments on campus as a whole.
After about twenty minutes or so, Eric goes back to his friends, leaving Dylan and me to head back to the frat. We cut through the Engineering building and head up the hill toward frat row. The air is cool and crisp and feels good against my skin.
“That guy was pretty cool,” Spencer says.
I nod. “He seems like a good guy.”
“Where do you know him from?”
“He’s a friend of Wes’,” I tell him.
We walk in silence for a couple of minutes and I can almost hear him putting the pieces together in his head. He looks over at me and cocks his head.
“Does he – is he – gay?”
I laugh at the look of horror on his face. “It’s not a dirty word, man,” I say. “And yeah, he’s gay.”
“B – but he’s – he likes sports and he’s not all swishy,” Spencer says. “He’s like a normal dude.”
His confusion only makes me laugh harder. “That’s because he is a normal dude,” I tell him. “What did you think? Gay guys can’t like sports or normal shit?”
“Well I didn’t really think about it,” he admits. “I just figured they’d be more into like ballet and wine and shit.”
I stop short and turn to him, forcing Spencer to stop walking and turn to me as well. He still looks confused, like he’s still trying to figure everything out. He looks like a man who’s just been told the Earth is flat and the sky is green.
I laugh even harder at him which only makes me look like I’ve lost my mind. As he speaks, I don’t get the impression he’s trying to be mean or cruel. I just know he doesn’t know any actual gay people and has zero clues about them. Not that I have much more of a clue than he does – I’m still learning on the fly.
I do know though, that Spencer isn’t a homophobe or anything. I can say with certainty he harbors no hatred in his heart for gays. He’s just ignorant and like me, all he knows is what he’s been spoon fed over the years and true to his nature, he’s just gone along with it all his life without stopping to think about or question it.
“You know,” I say. “Some of us are even really good at sports.”
My stomach lurches hard and it feels like all the oxygen has been sucked straight out of the atmosphere around us. Time itself seems to slow to a crawl as I watch a thousand thoughts cross his face simultaneously while he processes what I just said. My eyes widen and my throat dries up as the horror of what just happened sinks in.
I fight back the wave of nausea that wells up within me as I stand there, silently berating myself for fucking up on such a massive magnitude. But the words were out of my mouth before I even had a chance to think about then, let alone stop them. He’s a good friend but I honestly would not have chosen to come out to Spencer. I would especially not have chosen him to be the very first person in my life to share that secret with.
“Dude – did you say what I think you just said?” he asks.
“Depends. What do you think I just said?” I laugh nervously.
There’s a long moment of silence between us and my head is spinning as a fear fueled adrenaline courses through my body. I run a hand through my hair and wish like hell I could turn the clock back a few seconds. I have no idea why I told him. I have no idea why those words came flying out of my mouth. But they’re out now, for better or worse, and I need to figure out how to contain the damage.
“You’re – gay?” Spencer asks.
I sigh and scrub my face with my hands then look at Spencer. I realize I have a choice right now – I can try to play it off and convince Spencer I was kidding. Or I can just own up to it and confront him with the truth. Of course, on a deeper level, the choice is even more clear – I can continue hiding who I am, or I can be honest about it for the first time in my life.
I have to admit, as terrified as I was about going to brunch with Wes’ friends, forcing myself to do it was probably one of the most incredible things I’ve ever done for myself in my life. The genuine warmth I felt from Auddie, Eric, and the others made me feel something I’ve never felt before –acceptance.
For the first time in my life, I felt comfortable in my own skin. With Wes’ gang, I felt like I belonged. That I was accepted for who I am without any preconceived notions or stereotypes I needed to live up to. With them, I didn’t have to conform to a label or somebody else’s idea of who I am. I could just be me and that was enough. With Wes and his friends, I was okay just for who I was.
As all those thoughts fire through my brain simultaneously, I realize the choice I have to make isn’t all that difficult at all.
“Yeah Spencer,” I admit. “I’m gay.”
He looks at me for a long moment, as if he’s trying to determine whether I’m being honest or whether I’m fucking with him. He must see it in my eyes though because his expression sobers quickly.
“You’re serious,” he says.
I nod. “Yeah, very.”
“Dude I – I don’t even know what to say.”
A brittle bark of laughter bursts from my throat. “Yeah, that makes two of us.”
“But dude – you’ve banged half the chicks on campus, you’re strong and athletic as hell – how in the fuck are you gay?”
“It’s just who I am, man,” I tell him. “I’ve denied it to myself for so long and – I’m just at a place where I can’t deny it any longer.”
He scratches at his jawline, his eyes still fixed on mine. I can see there’s part of him that still thinks this is a joke and he’s just waiting for the punchline. But that part is fading with every second and he is slowly beginning to understand and hopefully – accept.
“What about all the chicks you’ve banged?” he asks. “If you’re gay, how did you like, even get it up for them?”
I shake my head and grin at him. It strikes me as a ridiculous question but I know he doesn’t mean anything by it and is probably honestly just curious.
“To be honest, it kind of felt like I was playing a character or something. Or like I was watching my body from a distance,” I explain. “I mean, I still felt things – and there are certain things that feel good no matter who’s doing them to you. But it was essentially like masturbation for me.”
“Huh,” he says. “I’m – shocked, man.”
I nod. “I get it, man. I do. And this whole thing has been a trip for me,” I tell him. “But I feel like I’ve been living a lie my whole life. This is the first time I’ve ever felt like I’m truly able to be myself.”
“Wow. Just wow,” he says and shakes his head. “You just need to give me a minute to take this shit in.”
“Take all the time you need, man,” I tell him. “I just need you to do me a favor – I need you to keep this shit to yourself. This is between you and me, Spencer.”
“Yeah, yeah, of course,” he replies. “Your secret’s safe with me.”
I cringe inwardly and look away for a minute. This whole journey for me is about opening up and learning to be who I am. To be me. It’s about shedding the secrets and forcing myself to stop living in the shadows. To stop living a lie and to be real.
But at the same time, I need to be real enough with myself to know I’m not ready for that step yet. For as many strides as I’ve taken forward, I know there a lot more in front of me and I can’t force myself to take them. I have to do this when I’m ready and right now, I know I’m not ready to go any farther than I have already.
I’ll get there. I know I will. Every step forward gives me the confidence I need to take the next step on this journey and live my true life.
“Are you happy, bro?” he asks.
“Happy?”
“Yeah, I mean – being gay – does it make you happy?”
A small smile curls my lips upward. “I don’t think it’s being gay that makes me happy –”
He holds his hands up in surrender. “I know, I know,” he laughs. “I don’t mean it like that. I just don’t say shit right sometimes. You know that. What I mean is –”
