On Wings of Silence, page 4
Moonbeam hair. My mother always said I had moonbeam hair.
He shook his head to clear his mind. His medical training shoved aside the memory. “What happened.”
“Our aircraft went down. Iced wings. She was thrown.”
“Thrown? Did she go through the canopy?”
“There is no canopy. We fly the PO-2. Open cockpit.”
It was then Calvin realized the woman lay on the remnants of a wing. He pushed a finger through the canvas covering what was left of the fuselage. “What were you doing flying such a plane in a snowstorm?” The woman before him was in rough shape. Compound fracture of her tibia. Multiple breaks to her ulna. He checked her pulse. It wasn’t strong.
“Bombing Germans.”
He shot her a stunned look. “Who the hell are you?”
“I am Junior Lieutenant, Raisa Basov, and this is my navigator Sergeant Oksana Molchalin. We are with the Russian 46th Taman Guards Night Bomber Regiment.”
“You’re bombers? Two women?”
The one named Raisa notched her chin and glared at him. “Two hundred women.”
“Flying little more than crop dusters?”
She narrowed her gaze. “We fly the equipment we are given.”
He unbuckled the sergeant’s belt and started to unzip her coveralls. “Ask her if it is okay if I examine her. I need to test the feel of her abdomen.”
Raisa translated. “She says, ‘Yes.’” Leaning closer she whispered to Calvin, “She cannot feel her arms or her legs.”
Calvin didn’t need to examine this woman any further. Rigid, extended abdomen. Massive internal bleeding. He rezipped her coveralls and patted the young woman’s shoulder before standing. This woman didn’t need help. She needed the coroner.
“It is not good, is it?” Lieutenant Basov murmured.
He shook his head, pushed at his glasses, and looked back at the Sergeant. She couldn’t be more than twenty years old.
“The list is long. Compound fracture to her leg. Fractured arm. Collarbone. At least three broken ribs on her right side. She feels no pain because I suspect she has fractured her neck which has paralyzed her. Your friend shows strong evidence of severe internal injuries. Even if I had the proper surgical tools and an entire team of doctors, I don’t think I could save her. It is a miracle she is still breathing. I’m sorry. I’m afraid there is nothing I can do for her.”
Raisa nodded as if she had already resigned herself. “Will it be long?”
“If she makes it through the night, I would be surprised.”
“But she is not in pain?” She looked back at her navigator.
“No.” He swallowed. Experience, however, told him this young woman would realize as her body began to shut down, she couldn’t breathe. Panic would not make her death an easy one, but perhaps he could spare her that at least.
“If you could help me, I can’t prepare a syringe one-handed. I have a single dose of morphine. It will give her some relief.”
Raisa frowned at him. “But you said she was in no pain. Is not morphine for pain?”
“She isn’t in any discomfort right now.” He paused trying to find the best words. “It will help her to sleep.”
“So, her end comes quick?”
“No, just... quietly.” Calvin held the woman’s gaze. The tiniest nod of her head told him he didn’t need to spell it out for her. She understood.
“Raisa?” The woman whispered her friend’s name.
She glanced at her before returning his gaze. “We will wait.”
“I wouldn’t wait too long. Pain or no pain, her body will begin to shut down before long. She will struggle soon.”
“I understand.”
“Best say your goodbyes.” Calvin stood. “I’ll stay close.” He moved away to rest against a post out of hearing range. Not that he could understand what they were saying to one another in Russian. Leaning his head back, he closed his eyes. His arm throbbed and a familiar ache in his chest made him groan.
The sergeant, had he heard correctly, her name was Oksana? She reminded him of a broken China doll. Her entire right side had shattered on impact. It truly was a blessing the woman couldn’t feel the pain of her injuries. How far had she fallen? It was a miracle she was still alive.
Lying bastard. That’s not what’s making your chest ache and you know it.
The two whispered to one another by the dim light of their flashlight. Raisa cupped Oksana’s cheek and soothed her. It was obvious they shared a close bond. He saw such bonds between soldiers often. But she’d said they were pilot and navigator? Bombing Germans? Since when did the Soviets allow women in combat units?
46th Taman Guards she had said. The name sounded familiar. Had he heard of them? So many questions. Pain in his arm was making it hard to think, and being away from the fire in frigid tempts was beginning to make him shiver.
Calvin tugged his gear closer and found the remaining morphine. Pulling the wooden box, he lifted the lid. There wasn’t enough for two. He raised his gaze back toward the women. There were a dozen valid reasons why he should keep it for himself, but more important was the one reason he couldn’t.
He searched for his bottle of acetyl-salicylic acid tablets. Fancy ass name for aspirin. He choked down three without water praying it would take some of the fiery edge off his own pain.
Fire. Water. He needed to get his mind back into survival mode or the lovely young sergeant named Oksana with the moonbeam hair wouldn’t be the only one lost tonight.
CHAPTER 5
“Am I dreaming? He is a doctor?”
“Medic. You’re not dreaming. He is an American,” Raisa confirmed. She looked back at the man. Cold had ruddied his cheeks. He wore a gold bar on his uniform. Was he a Lieutenant as well?
“How? How is he here?” whispered Oksana.
“I have no idea. I don’t even know his name.” He certainly looked German, but she believed him when he told her he was American. ‘Blame my mother.’ Not overly tall, strong build, he had blond hair the color of sand and bright blue eyes behind round framed spectacles. Perhaps it was his glasses that gave him the air of someone trustworthy. “He’s only just arrived. Like the miracle we hoped for. He will make you feel better.”
Oksana closed her eyes. Tears ran from their corners. “Raisa...”
“What is it?” She stroked her hair.
She lifted her gaze to her. “I don’t understand English, but I saw how he looked at you. I know I am dying.”
Raisa shook her head. “You’re not. Stop talking like that.”
“You never lied to me before. Do not start now, I beg you.”
The words choked Raisa. She couldn’t say them. Couldn’t bear to tell her these were her last moments. Cupping her cheek, she whispered, “You’re very badly hurt.”
“I could tell the way he spoke to you. There isn’t much time. I need to tell you.”
Raisa shook her head. “You need to rest.”
“I have an eternity to rest,” she insisted. Her eyes pleading. “Please, I need to say things before it is too late.” Her breathing was shallow. “It is time for me to be honest.”
“Of course. Of course,” Raisa quieted her. What could this sweet girl need to confess? “Tell me. You can tell me anything.” She stroked her cheek with her thumb.
“I love you, Raisa.” Oksana held her gaze. Her words were a sob.
Raisa smiled through her tears, “I love you, too.”
Oksana frowned, “No... you don’t understand. All the talk before. About Sascha, it is all a lie. Others believe I want him, but I do not. He is not the one. I lied. I only pretend to like him.” Her speech was halting. With each word, she was getting more and more upset.
Raisa tried to understand and soothe her at the same time. “No, no, be still. Why would you pretend such a thing?”
“Because... If I told you the truth, told anyone the truth, they would come to hate me. You will hate me.” Oksana closed her eyes tight.
Raisa kissed her cheek. “No one could ever hate you, Luchik”
“They don’t know me. Know my secret,” Oksana began to cry.
Raisa leaned closer and hushed her like a child. “Shhh... Tell me your secret, Oksana. I promise I won’t hate you.”
“And you won’t tell anyone?” she begged.
“I promise. What is it?”
“It is you, Raisa,” she whispered. Her words rasped, “You are the one I love.” Raisa frowned. Was she confusing things? The look in Oksana’s eyes, however, confirmed her words.
Raisa struggled to make sense of what she meant. “I’m not understanding. What are you saying?”
“I have loved you since the first day I saw you?”
“You look up to all the pilots, I know—”
“No, it is more.” Oksana looked away before closing her eyes. “I shouldn’t have said anything.”
“No, no, tell me. Make me understand.” Raisa continued to stroke her cheek until Oksana opened her eyes again.
“My feelings for you are...are more. More than sisters, more than friends...I love you, Raisa. I am in love with you. Only you.”
Stunned, Raisa couldn’t do more than stare at her. She didn’t know what to say to such a declaration. The concept of loving another woman wasn’t a foreign one, no matter the opinions of church and law, but Raisa had never considered it before this moment. Not from Oksana. “But...you never said... Why didn’t you tell this to me before?”
Oksana’s eyes shown with fresh tears. “Because of the look on your face. That look of disgust I am seeing on your beautiful face right now. Disgust for me.”
Raisa’s mind spun. What should she say? What were the right words? Oksana closed her eyes and sobbed again. Raisa would not let her die like this. “No, no. It is not disgust you are seeing, Oksana, I swear to you. It is only surprise. Astonishment. I had no idea you felt this way for me.”
“How could I tell you?” Her tears darkened the hair at her temples. “I have known since I was a child I was not like other girls. I tried to like the boys. They always wanted me like that, but the thought of kissing them... it felt strange. But it was expected. Required.” Oksana struggled to continue, becoming more upset. “It was my own thoughts that were strange. Wicked. Wanting like this is wrong. I was taught such things were sinful. Immoral. So, I pretended. Always pretending. My whole life, I kept quiet. Silent. Hiding who I am. What I feel. Hiding from you more than anyone.”
Raisa dropped her forehead to Oksana’s trying to calm them both. Her declaration had shocked her, but there was no time to examine it. The girl was dying.
“You could have told me,” She whispered.
“It is a crime, Raisa. Don’t you understand? What I feel is a crime... and a sin. I couldn’t tell anyone. My family. In my village, they all say it. I was taught to hate the person I am. I learned to be ashamed... Hate...hate that I am like this.”
“Stop. You are beautiful. All of you. Inside and out. Your family, the others. They were the ones who were wrong. Narrow, shuttered minds. Not you. You were taught wrong.”
“It is a sin.” Her voice was little more than a whisper.
“How can love be a sin?” Raisa soothed.
“Love for the wrong person.”
“If you love them, how are they the wrong person?” Raisa sat back and wiped Oksana’s face. “You are not worthy of hate. It is impossible. You are good, and kind, and beautiful.”
“I don’t want to go to hell,” her words were an anguished sob.
Raisa shook her head. “You are not going to hell. I promise.”
Oksana screwed her eyes closed. “You don’t know.”
“Shhhh...Listen to me. Our hearts get to love who we love. There is nothing you can think of or do in the name of love that would ever be considered a sin. Love is never a sin, Oksana. How can it be?”
“You... don’t despise me?” Oksana’s voice was getting fainter.
“My sweet Luchik...I could never. You are my sunshine. My bright shining sun.” Raisa held her gaze and smiled.
Oksana’s breathing slowed and for one small moment, she looked upon Raisa with such adoration. It caught at Raisa’s heart. No one, man or woman, had ever looked at her like she had. Her love was pure and complete. And in that quiet moment, it was perfect.
“I’m feeling... strange, Raisa. Like I’m...” All at once Oksana’s face twisted into a mask of panic. “I...can’t...”
It was happening. Oh God, she was dying. Raisa shot a glance back to the medic. When he met her gaze, she gave him a quick nod. Now, she needs the shot of medicine, now! Terror flooded her. She felt helpless. Raisa scraped the last ounce of strength she had. The medic gathered a small wooden box and approached them.
“Breath slow, small breaths.” She reassured Oksana, “He’s going to give you an injection to calm you so you can rest.”
With a few quick instructions, Raisa acted as his second hand and helped him prepare and administer the morphine to Oksana. He lifted her hand and checked Oksana’s pulse.
“I’m... afraid. Raisa...”
She leaned close and held Oksana’s face. “I’m here. Do not be afraid.”
“I don’t... want to... leave you.”
“You’re not leaving me, Luchik. You will always be with me, don’t you know?” Tears made Oksana’s face swim in Raisa’s vision. She let them fall. “In that perfect time. You remember, my favorite time. When we fly high into the night sky and turn off the noise of the engine to float in a sea of stars. You will always be there, Oksana. The brightest, most lovely star in the entire sky. You will twinkle just for me, and I will know it is you. I will know you are watching out for me. Forever beautiful. Forever loving me.”
Raisa held her gaze as she stroked her cheek with a gentle sweep of her thumb before she lowered her mouth to hers and kissed her. Oksana’s lips trembled beneath hers as Raisa brushed them with her own and whispered, “Sleep, my shining star.”
Oksana slowly closed her eyes.
And then she was gone. Just like that. No noise. No struggle. She was alive in one moment and not in the next. Raisa sat back and covered her lips with chilled fingertips. Tears wet her cheeks. She brushed them away.
How was it possible? The earth hadn’t lost so much as a second. Time hadn’t paused. Shouldn’t there be some marking of a life ending? Some signal? It was too damn quiet.
Raisa fell into the silence surrounding them.
The medic checked once more for a pulse. He shouldn’t have bothered. Raisa could have saved him the trouble.
“I’m sorry.”
His words sounded too loud in the space. Too cold. Impersonal. Why should he be sorry? He didn’t know Oksana. Knew nothing about her. Another thought struck Raisa as her mind began to race in the aftershock. Perhaps she hadn’t known her either. Oksana loved her? Been in love with her? All this time and Raisa had never seen it? Never sensed it? How could it have been?
She covered her face with her hands and began to rock. Oksana loved her. Adored her. Her. For weeks and months. Raisa tried to remember back to the day they met. She had barely noticed her among the others. Hadn’t given her much thought until she replaced Polina. Even then, she’d been caught up in her own grief over losing her friend and oblivious to anything more.
Was it better Oksana hadn’t learned Raisa didn’t share her feelings before she died? It had felt wrong to tell her she couldn’t return such a love. Not as she lay dying. She ran her fingertips over her lips. Raisa could still feel the trembling of Oksana’s kiss against hers. She could still taste her mouth.
It was a lie. One made to bring Oksana comfort, but still a lie. Even done out of compassion, it was still a deception. Or had she simply been granting her friend’s final wish? Giving her compassion in her final moment. Helping her find her peace.
“Oh, God...,” Raisa curled into herself.
“Are you okay?” The medic placed a hand on her shoulder. She startled. She’d almost forgotten he was there.
Raisa straightened and fought to regain her composure. “I... don’t know.”
“I’ll give you some time. I’m going to see about getting warm. I’ll build a small fire in the corner.” He pointed to a spot behind her. “Melt some snow.”
“Okay.” She nodded, too numb to say more.
“Okay,” he repeated and started to leave.
“I don’t even know your name,” she blurted.
“Calvin. My name is Calvin Elliott.”
Raisa nodded again. “Thank you, Calvin. For what you did.” His name felt odd to her tongue.
“I wished I could have done more.” He patted her shoulder again.
“I wish we both could have done more,” she agreed.
Raisa sat with Oksana’s body for a long time trying to sort everything out. Tucking her feelings into their appointed boxes. Trying to make sense of the senseless.
Why was she alive when Oksana was not? It wasn’t right. Shouldn’t they both have been killed? Raisa retraced every step. Went over every moment. Agonizing over the should haves and could haves. Was there anything that would have changed this? Had she stepped out on her left foot instead of her right? Had they taken off fifth instead of fourth? Nothing gave her the answers she was desperate to have.
It had been the same when Polina died. Raisa agonized for weeks. Second guessing every move and decision she’d made that night. Many told her it was fate. She didn’t believe in fate. War trumped fate. You’d never convince her all the young men and woman...Polina, Oksana, Mikhail, her father... you couldn’t tell her they were destined to die as they had. Dying so young could not have been their fate. If it were, then what of her? Was it fate she continued to survive when the others had not? For what purpose? Past the sadness and shock, the logical, rational side of her training began to take over. It was done.
Raisa looked back upon Oksana’s lovely face. None of this was fair. She smoothed back Oksana’s hair, replaced her furred cap, and buckled the strap beneath her chin. None of it made sense. Love, death, war. Nothing made sense anymore.
