I don’t realize how loud I’ve gotten until I hear Posey, apparently done with her business. “Who’s gonna take me?”

  Chapter 32

  “Oh honey,” I begin. I open my arms and let her come to me. “I’m so sorry you heard me talking about that. No one’s taking you right now.”

  “But maybe later?” she asks, looking up at me.

  I look up at Billie for help.

  “Right now,” Billie says cheerfully, “Audra wants to say goodbye to you. Can you come here and give her a gentle hug?”

  Posey is distracted enough by the thought of hugging the baby that she slips from my arms and heads back to the couch where Billie sits with Audra.

  Thank you, I mouth.

  After we say our goodbyes, Prescott and I drive home with Posey, keeping the conversation light and not mentioning the possibility of Posey leaving again.

  We head into my apartment, and after getting settled on the couch, I pull Posey onto my lap.

  “Posey,” I begin, keeping my voice light. “I need to talk with you about something. Are you okay with talking right now?”

  Posey nods.

  “Well, you know that you’ve been visiting your aunt Vicky a lot lately, right?”

  Another nod.

  “Well,” I continue, “Your aunt Vicky loves you very much, and she may want to take care of you just as much as I do. Do you understand that?”

  Posey goes to nod again, but stops. “Well, I like Aunt Vicky, but I don’t have to live with her, right? I wanna stay with you.”

  My chest tightens just a bit and I swallow hard, trying to keep a smile on my face.

  “Posey, I would love nothing better than to keep you here with me,” I say. “But sometimes it’s a good thing to be with someone who is your family.”

  Posey pokes her little arm into my chest. “You can be my family.”

  Lord, she’s not making this easy on me. Help me, I pray silently.

  Pray. Suddenly, I feel like that’s what we need to do.

  I turn to Prescott. “Would you like to pray with us?” I ask.

  “Of course,” he says.

  “Posey, whenever something is bothering me, or there’s something I don’t understand, I like to talk to God about it.”

  “Like when we pray for our food?”

  I smile. “Sort of. But when we pray over our food, we are being thankful to God. Did you know that He also wants us to talk to Him when something is bothering us, or making us afraid? Or sometimes He likes to hear from us just because. We can talk to God any time we want, even in the middle of the night—He always listens.”

  Posey’s eyes grow wide. “He does?”

  “Yep. He’s never too busy for us. And I would like to talk to Him now, about us, okay?”

  “Okay,” Posey says happily.

  I close my eyes and begin out loud. “Father, we come before You today, knowing that You always hear us. And we thank You for that. Lord, You see this situation Posey and I are in, and that we feel a little bit scared. I ask You to calm our hearts and minds, and help us to trust You, because You know what’s best for us. We give You complete control of this situation, and ask that it all work out for our good. Amen.”

  “Amen!” Posey agrees.

  I shift her off my lap and turn her to face me. “Posey, I love you very much. Your aunt Vicky and I both want you to have the best life you can have, whether it be with her, or here with me. Do you understand?”

  A little of the joy that was on Posey’s face diminishes slightly, and she nods, probably because that’s what she thinks I expect.

  “But I want you to know that even if you ever did go to live with Aunt Vicky, we would still be friends. We could video chat every day, and see each other whenever we could. That’s a promise from me, okay?”

  Expecting a nod or verbal response, I’m surprised when she leans forward and throws her arms around my neck, squeezing tightly.

  I can’t help it. I begin to cry.

  Lord, I need You. So much. I need You so much, is all I can manage to think.

  * * *

  Later that week, I drop Posey off with Billie and Audra and meet Vicky for lunch.

  She’s invited me to her house, so I park in the driveway and say a quick prayer before I head up to the porch to knock on the door.

  Vicky answers and welcomes me in, and before I know it, I’m seated at her little dinette with a Greek salad and an iced tea.

  I’ve braced myself for what’s coming. I’ve prayed nearly nonstop since she asked to meet with me, and I told the Lord that I trust Him, and I’m trying so hard to keep my word.

  “Well,” Vicky begins, and my heart flutters a bit.

  Here we go…

  “I want to thank you for meeting with me, Anne. I’ve really enjoyed getting to know you along with my niece these past few months.”

  I smile and answer honestly. “I’m happy to have gotten to know you as well, Vicky.”

  Vicky puts her fork down, and I feel like this conversation is about to get serious.

  “Anne, I have fallen in love with that great-niece of mine. She’s an absolute joy to have around. It makes me rather sorry that I never got to know her when Melanie took her in.” She pauses. “I… I never was a good one for keeping in touch with my nieces. And once Melissa—Posey’s birth mother and Melanie’s sister—disowned the family, I’m afraid I became bitter toward her and Melanie—unfairly, it seems.”

  I sit and listen, not sure if she’s building up to something, or wanting to get this off her chest, or what.

  She goes on. “So, when I got the call about Melanie’s passing, and how her niece—my great-niece—was left alone, I began to rethink my family relationships. And when I met Posey…” Her voice trails off and I see tears beginning to form in her eyes. “Well, when I met that little girl, I can say it was pretty near love at first sight.”

  Sometime during this speech of Vicky’s I’ve put down my fork as well. I’m now bracing myself. Here it comes, Lord. Help me not to overreact.

  “Anne, when I realized that keeping Posey with me was an option, I can’t deny that I felt an overwhelming sense of joy. You see, my children are grown, but they have no children of their own yet. And my first thought was, I finally have a chance to be a grandmother.”

  I can’t help it. My eyes fill with tears and I don’t even try to hide it. Why pretend that this doesn’t hurt? I feel one tear slide down my cheek, but I stay silent to let Vicky continue.

  She does. “And then I started spending time with her, and I fell a little more in love each time I was with her. That little girl is special.” Vicky picks her fork back up, pushing lettuce leaves around her plate, seemingly needing something to do with her hands. “And you know what I learned during these visits, Anne?”

  I’m barely able to shake my head no, and unable at all to speak.

  “I learned that Posey loves you, probably more than any other person in this world.”

  I have tears falling from both eyes now. Wow. This is going to hurt.

  Then Vicky says something that utterly shocks me.

  “Anne, Posey belongs with you.”

  Once again, if I had been drinking right then, I’d have done the classic “spit-take,” my drink spewing all over the table. Instead, I choke out, “What?”

  Vicky smiles, and if I’m not mistaken, it’s a bit sadly. “I love Posey too much to keep her from you.”

  I just sit there, staring and crying.

  “Anne, if you could only hear how that girl talks about you while she’s with me. I can tell that even when she’s enjoying herself, she can’t wait to get back to you. Every project we do, she can’t wait to show you. Every movie we watch, she can’t wait to tell you about it. Every outing we take, she mentions that she wishes you were with us.”

  I’m still crying, but I’m smiling now. They’re turning into happy tears.

  “Anne.” Vicky’s also smiling now. “I’ve never seen a child so taken with someone as Posey is with you. And I think,” she adds, reaching across the small table to pat my hand, “you belong together.”

  I put my hands over my face. I can’t help but happy sob, in an embarrassing way. I hear Vicky laugh softly.

  “I thought,” I say between sobs, “I thought…”

  “You thought I wanted to take her for good.”

  I nod, placing my hand over my heart.

  “I may love Posey, but I love her enough to want the best for her. I want her to thrive, I want her to be as happy as she can possibly be. And after watching her with you, after hearing her talk about you, seeing her miss you when she’s not with you… Anne, I could never remove her from your care. I can visit with her and still be her great-aunt.” She pauses. “I’m just not meant to be her mother. Or grandmother,” she adds quickly, with a smile.

  I’m speechless. Whatever I thought was going to happen in this kitchen today, this was not it. Lord, I’m overwhelmed.

  “Vicky, I don’t know what to say,” I begin.

  “That’s easy,” she says. “Continue on with the adoption process.”

  “How did you know—”

  She waves her hand, cutting me off. “Oh honey, you didn’t even have to say it. I figured that’s what you had in mind. And you’ve just confirmed that I’m right.” She laughs. “And if I were you, I’d be doing the same thing. Anyone who meets you two together can see you love that child.”

  For the life of me, I can’t stop crying. For the next twenty minutes or so, I pour out all my previous fears to Vicky, and eventually she pulls her chair around to my side of the table so she can hug me and just be next to me while we talk.

  An hour later, lunch is eaten, tears have dried up, and I leave Vicky’s house a very happy, thankful woman.

  Chapter 33

  It’s another Monday. I’m headed to drop Posey off at Billie’s. She’s excited to have some company, as she’s been cooped up with the baby for days now. I asked her if she minded Posey coming, and she had said, “Posey can hold a conversation, and a great one at that. I’m thrilled to have her with me.”

  When we get to Billie’s, I head inside with Posey. I need to have a BFF chat with my cousin before heading to work.

  “Where’s Arda?” Posey asks, and I hide my smile. Posey has had trouble pronouncing Audra’s name, and “Arda” is the closest she’s come so far.

  “Oh, she just fell asleep,” says Billie, a little regretfully. “But I’ve turned on cartoons for you in the family room.”

  Posey brightens at this, and after kicking her shoes off by the door, she takes off following the sound of the happy music.

  Billie and I take seats in the living room where Billie can keep an eye on the baby in her bassinet next to the couch. After chatting for a moment about all the cute things Audra has been doing—like eating, pooping, and sleeping—Billie finally asks me how I’m doing after my meeting with Vicky.

  I sigh, not knowing exactly where to begin. I had video chatted with Billie afterward, telling her everything that Vicky had said. I now need to work some issues out in my own head.

  I start by saying, “It feels too easy.”

  “What do you mean?” Billie asks, confusion on her face.

  I know what I’m trying to say, and I’m trying to figure out the best way to put it all together in a way that makes sense. “Like Prescott. It was rough at first, you know? Then all of the sudden, he’s seemingly back to his old self. I mean, he’s adjusting to this new way of life, yeah. But it just seemed like it wasn’t nearly as rough anymore. And with Posey. Billie, I truly thought I was going to lose her. I was bracing myself. I was almost starting to mourn the loss of her, you know?”

  Billie just nods slightly, continuing to listen.

  “Then, Vicky basically tells me I can have her, and while I’m ecstatic—over the moon, even—it’s like I can’t enjoy it. Like I’m waiting for the other shoe to drop. I don’t know. It all seems so… easy.”

  Billie looks at me and smiles. “Oh, Anne.” Then it looks as if she might laugh.

  “What in the world is so funny?” I demand, trying my best to look offended. But it’s hard, because it’s Billie, and I know she would never laugh at me.

  “Anne,” she begins, and her tone says she’s about to give a life lesson to a child. “You have always been so dramatic.”

  “Hey,” I begin to protest, even though I smile a little. She’s not wrong, after all.

  “Wait,” she says gently, holding up a hand. “Hear me out.”

  I nod, willing myself to stay silent as she talks.

  “Anne, as long as we’ve known each other—which is, you know, our whole lives…” She pauses and we both smile. “As long as I’ve known you, you’ve loved all things drama. When we were little, you loved the fairy tales that had the most dramatic endings. You would look for the books with the scariest pictures, the biggest monsters, the most evil villains.”

  I laugh softly, knowing that everything she’s saying is true.

  She goes on. “I honestly always imagined you growing up to be an actress, on stage on Broadway.”

  I smile. I really would have loved that.

  “What I’m saying is,” she says, reaching over to place her hand on my knee, “you’ve always had this outlook on life where if there’s no drama, there must be nothing worthwhile happening. And I think that’s shaped your view of how life should be. You’re always waiting for the big conflict.”

  “The what?” I ask, laughing.

  “The big conflict.” Billie makes a face as if it should be obvious. “You know, in a book or a movie, when everything is seemingly perfect, life is falling in line, and it seems that nothing can go wrong, and then—boom! The big conflict. There’s a huge misunderstanding, an accident, or even a death. Something dramatic happens to throw the whole plot into a tailspin. That’s the big conflict. The climax. That’s what you’re expecting.”

  I stare at her for a moment, thinking about what she’s saying. I think about all of my favorite books and movies. Pride and Prejudice, where Mr. Darcy has to write a letter to Elizabeth, clearing up the huge misunderstanding that’s keeping them apart. Cinderella, where she flees the castle when the magic runs out at midnight, thinking she’ll never see the prince again. It’s a Wonderful Life, where George Bailey is on the verge of taking his own life. The books and movies I thrived on my whole childhood and even adulthood.

  “Oh my gosh.” I whisper. “You’re right. I am dramatic.”

  Billie laughs. “Well, duh. We already knew that. I’m just trying to get you to see that you’ve come to believe that if life isn’t like a book or movie, you think something’s wrong.” She shifts on the couch to peek at the baby, then turns back to me. “You know, we all have those Job seasons in our lives. The ones where we think that if one more thing goes wrong, we’ll lose it. It’ll be over for us. The times where we haven’t had a chance to recover from one piece of bad news before another knocks on our door.”

  I think back to earlier in the year, the waiting to hear from Prescott. The not knowing. The fear.

  Billie goes on. “You know that verse in Isaiah, where God says His thoughts are not our thoughts, and His ways are not our ways, and how His are so much higher than ours?”

  I nod. “Yeah, I do.”

  “I don’t know why, but sometimes we go through Job seasons, and sometimes God chooses to let things go smoothly. Like Isaac and Rebekah. Abraham’s servant went out, did a little test, found Rebekah, asked her to come back with him and she just agreed. Went with him. He brought her back to marry Abraham’s son, Isaac, and the Bible says Isaac took her to be his wife, and he loved her. Just like that.” Billie snaps her fingers.

  I stare at her for a moment, taking in what she said. Maybe I have been waiting for some kind of dramatic experience, something to shake me up.

  “Anne,” Billie says softly. “Maybe you’re having a hard time because you think that if something good happens and there’s no struggle, you haven’t earned it.”

  The wisdom in what she’s saying hits me. Hard.

  “Oh my gosh,” I repeat. “Billie, I think you might be right. I never even thought about that.” I stand from the couch and start pacing in the small living room space. “It’s like when Vicky told me that she thought Posey belonged with me, I wanted to ask what the catch was. I truly believed it couldn’t be that easy.” I stop and face Billie again. “And Prescott. You and Merrick saw what he was like. I guess…” I search for the right words. “Now that I think about it, I guess deep down I believed it would take him years to heal from his loss.”

  Billie stands now, too. She peeks again at Audra before coming to stand next to me. “Listen,” she says. “Not everything in life is going to come so easily or be resolved so quickly. You know that.”

  I nod.

  “But just because it has in this instance doesn’t mean you don’t deserve it. You don’t know what lies ahead, Anne. Times may not be as simple or easy as this seems. Enjoy the blessings now, in the moment.”

  I sniff a little, not even realizing that I had begun to tear up while she was talking.

  “It’s kinda funny, " I say. “I always had my life laid out like a fairy tale, like you said. In fact, not too long ago, I told Prescott that I felt like all of my dreams have been shattered.” I give a humorless laugh. “Because life wasn’t turning out exactly how I’d hoped.”

  Billie laughs. “That sounds about right.”

  “I know that the future is unknown. I know that somewhere down the line, Prescott may have struggles, and we can deal with them when they come. But I need to stop acting like because he’s doing so well right now, I need to somehow hold my breath because it won’t last.”

  “Exactly,” Billie says. She glances again at Audra. “Did I tell you that when I was in the hospital, there was another mom in the room next to me that gave birth just before I did?”

  “No, I don’t think so.”

  Billie sits back down, so I do, too. She continues. “While I was waiting out my contractions, nurses were coming in and out, and one of the times my door was open, I heard the mom next door crying. I asked my nurse if something had happened. I know she wasn’t supposed to tell me, but she was very shook up. The brand new baby that had just been born had swelling on his little brain. They had to whisk him away as soon as that poor mom gave birth.”

 

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