The Devil Inside, page 23
‘They said you used to have a thing for working out mysteries too.’
‘I like watching noir movies. But I think this might have cured me forever. I hate secrets now.’
‘I can understand why.’
After half an hour, Lexi had helped her decipher the birth certificates. The name on one was Milessa Katya Orloff. Close enough to her name— Melissa Kate. The people listed as her parents were Marat Orloff and Alexandria Milosh, which were not her parents’ names at all. The birth place was Moscow. The date of birth was her date of birth. But to make matters even more confusing, there was another birth certificate with the same name—Milessa Katya and her date of birth. But this time her last name was Carmilov and the father listed was Natan Carmilov. The birthplace was Prague. Then there were a series of other birth certificates, older ones, for Alexandria Milosh, Natan Carmilov, Mikhail Carmilov and Katya Milosh—their birth places all the City of Novosibirsk in Siberia. The last two—Mikhail and Katya’s—had the dates of birth for the people she’d thought were her parents—Claire and Calvin Linklater. ‘I don’t understand any of this. Are these my parents?’ She waved Mikhail and Katya’s birth certificates. ‘Or are these?’ She pointed to Alexandria and Natan’s.
‘I don’t know,’ Lexi said as she glanced between the documents. ‘It certainly looks like Mikhail and Katya might have been who you knew as Claire and Calvin.’ She pulled forward Alexandria and Natan’s. ‘But then why are these ones listed as birth parents on this birth certificate? And the woman on all of the Russian ones?’
‘And why two Russian birth certificates with two separate fathers listed?’ She pressed her fingers into her scalp. ‘Who were these people?’
Lexi shook her head. ‘The mystery certainly deepens.’ She gave Melissa a piercing look. ‘Are you sure you want to go on with this?’
Melissa shoved her hands into her lap and nodded rapidly. It wasn’t easy, but not knowing was worse.
‘Okay then.’ Lexi turned her attention to the next one in the pile. ‘Maybe you could look at the photo albums and see if these names are on any of the photos. You said you recognised your mama and papa in some of them.’
‘Good idea.’ She turned to the suitcase where they’d packed the albums and pulled one out. After a few pages, she found a photo that had a woman who resembled her mother. There was writing underneath it. ‘What does this say?’ she asked.
Lexi glanced across, brow furrowed. ‘The penmanship is terrible, but I think it says: Alexandria and Katya, first day, Russian Academy of Sciences, Akademgorodok.’
‘What the hell does that mean?’
Lexi shook her head. ‘I’m not sure if I’ve got the last bit right, but maybe Google will know.’
‘Good idea.’ Melissa pulled out her phone and said, ‘How do you spell Akademgobblydook?’
Lexi chuckled and said, ‘Akademgorodok,’ then began to spell it out.
Craig slammed shut the diary he was working on, making Melissa jump and look up at him. ‘Nothing,’ he said, raking his hand through his hair. ‘Red cabbage water isn’t working on this one at all.’
‘Nothing else is coming up in this diary either,’ Dae said. ‘Maybe try something else. They might have got tricky and used different inks.’
Craig’s eyes lit up. ‘You think?’
Dae shrugged. ‘Also, there might only be information on some pages, which means we have to try every one.’
Craig leaned across the table and pulled over the lamp he’d put on there earlier, the shade removed and the light switched on to heat up the globe—he’d explained while doing it even though nobody had asked. Melissa watched him as he laboriously held each page of the diary in front of the heated globe. He was more than halfway through before he let out a shout of excitement. ‘You’re right. Heat works on this page. Must have used milk or lemon juice.’
‘What’s there?’
‘A map of some kind? It’s hard to tell.’
‘It looks like a brain,’ Lexi said, peering across the table at it.
‘A brain? Are you crazy?’
Dae moved around the table just as Phil wandered out, Arwen in his arms. ‘What’s going on here?’ he said, blinking and rocking the grizzly baby in his arms, his brow furrowing as his gaze landed on the trunk and suitcase.
Lexi gestured at the mess of papers and albums and diaries on the table. ‘We’re helping Melissa to discover her past.’
Phil’s eyes opened wide, his gaze flying to Melissa. ‘You’re what? But I …’ His gaze turned to his friends, narrowing.
Melissa pushed away from the table and joined Phil, her hand instantly going to Arwen’s head as she bent to kiss her soft cheek. The baby leaned towards her and she took Arwen from her father’s arms as naturally as if she’d done it a hundred times. She began to sway like Phil had been, tapping the baby’s back as Bev had shown her. ‘They didn’t push me into this. I was already downstairs when they came over looking for something to distract them from Gavin. I wanted to do this.’
‘But you said—’
‘I know what I said, but I realised I was being a coward.’
‘You’re not a coward—’
‘Yes, I am,’ she said, cutting him off again. ‘Or, I was. Now, I’m aiming to be something else. I’m aiming to be the kind of person who can unearth all the hidden secrets and nooks and crannies of my life without falling apart.’
Phil stared at her for long moments, his mouth forming a silent ‘O’, before he smiled, slow and sexy, and said, ‘That’s my girl.’
Heat rushed to her cheeks—to her whole body. She couldn’t help it when he looked at her like that.
‘What changed your mind?’
She met his gaze, facing down how he made her feel and the frisson of fear that skittered along her nerves at the thought of what that could mean. ‘You did.’
‘I did?’
‘Yes. You and this little girl.’ She brushed her nose along Arwen’s head, breathing in the scent that was her daughter—mixed with the scent she now knew was inexorably Phil. ‘I want to remember who I was when I was with you. I want to know who that person was and why she came to make the decisions to let love in. I want to remember you proposing to me—’
‘Actually, you proposed to him,’ Dae cut in.
Her brows rose. ‘I did?’
‘I kind of proposed to Dae too,’ Lexi said, her mouth split in a huge smile as she gazed at her man.
‘Let’s hear it for the girls,’ Dae sung softly.
Melissa sucked in a breath, her gaze going back to Phil. ‘I want to remember that day.’
Phil’s smile widened. ‘One of the best days of my life.’
So much joy in his words. ‘I want to be able to remember that it was one of the best days of my life too. I want to remember our wedding. I want to remember the moment I realised you were the one for me. And I want to remember finding out we were pregnant with this little love.’ She kissed Arwen again, aware of how close Phil stood, aware of the fear that prickled along her spine and made her nerves twitch, urging her to step away, to stop pushing. But she couldn’t. She wouldn’t. She no longer wanted the life she’d made herself content with eight years ago, before Phil had upset not only her apple cart but blew it to smithereens and used the discarded pieces to make a brand-new double-wide apple cart for the two of them. The three of them.
‘I’m glad you want to remember all those things,’ Phil said, cupping her free hand in one of his. ‘But I don’t want you to hurt yourself to do it.’
‘And that’s why I have to do it.’
‘I don’t understand.’
And he truly didn’t. She could see that so clearly on his face. She wished they didn’t have an audience for this, but she couldn’t take the chance that the fear now pushing up from her stomach to tighten her lungs would stop her from saying what she needed to say if she didn’t say it now. She opened her mouth, cleared her too-dry throat. ‘You love me, so much. You have such faith in me, it almost hurts. I never knew, or thought, that I could engender that depth of emotion in someone or that I would want such a thing for myself. And even though it frightens the hell out of me, I do. Want it.’
‘Why does it frighten you? It never did before.’
She dipped her head, suddenly unable to hold his gaze. ‘I … I don’t know. I think … I think it has to do with these missing memories. And what’s happened. The accident. All of this.’ She gestured at the room and the boxes and the people behind her, then at him and Arwen. ‘It seemed so impossible that this was something I could have when I woke up. I couldn’t allow myself to believe it was true because it felt like …’ Her breath was choppy, a hysterical edge in her voice, but she pressed on. ‘It still feels like it could be ripped away. Like my past was ripped away. Twice.’
‘Breathe, Mel. Just breathe.’ He took Arwen from her and handed the baby to Lexi, then held her shoulders, gaze firmly on hers. ‘Breathe.’
She took deep gulping breaths, his touch, his steady gaze, doing as much as the breaths to calm her. ‘I’m okay. It’s just … I’m just …’
He shook his head. ‘It’s okay, you don’t have to tell me this now. There’s no rush. For any of this.’ He gestured behind her at the table.
‘There is.’ She took a deeper breath, willing it to chase away the stars sparking at the edges of her vision—panic reaction to the goddamned fear she just couldn’t make go away. ‘I can’t explain why it feels like I have to push through this, but I do. It’s just there …’ She reached out, as if grabbing for something. ‘It’s just beyond what I can feel, what I can see.’ She pulled her hand back sharply with an impatient hiss. ‘I’ll get no peace until I can figure all this out. Until I discover my past. Who I was meant to be.’ She looked up at him. ‘But I’m not brave enough to do it by myself. I was going to chicken out until your friends came in. Craig and Dae are happy to sleuth the diaries, Lexi is helping me with the Russian documents and photo albums as much as she can.’
‘Lexi can read Russian?’
‘One of my hidden talents,’ Lexi said.
‘I see,’ Phil said slowly. ‘So, it seems you’ve got all the bases covered.’ He gently took the baby from Lexi and moved away. ‘I’ll just go feed Arwen and let you carry on.’
‘No!’ She grabbed his arm. ‘That’s what I was trying to say,’ and miserably failing at. Geez, was she always so shit at this? Surely she’d got better at telling people how she felt? And if not with most people, surely she was good at it with Phil? The way he spoke about her, looked at her, trusted her, believed in her—it spoke of the kind of close and intimate relationships that shared everything. ‘I might be frightened of you … of this—’
‘You’re frightened of me?’ The look of pain in his eyes slapped her panic and fear back down enough for her to cup his face, make certain he didn’t turn away from her now.
‘Not like you mean. The fear has nothing to do with you or anything you’ve done. It has to do with me … with what happened … with all the secrets my parents hid from me. But I don’t want that to be part of my life. I want to have what I obviously had with you before I lost my memories. Before I lost my mind.’
‘Then what do you need from me?’ he asked, his voice a pained whisper.
‘I need you to be you. I need your strength. Your belief in me.’
‘You never lost them. They are yours, always.’
‘I know. I knew it when I woke even though I didn’t realise it then. And I knew it earlier when, even though you were obviously stressed out and upset about something, your entire focus was on me.’
‘I’m not—’
‘Let me finish. You being you has made me see that I can no longer slink back to being the person I remember. I know I can have more than that. I know I have had more than that and this—’ she gestured to herself, ‘—this fearful person jumping at shadows is nowhere close to the person I see in your eyes when you look at me.’
‘You are the Melissa I see.’
‘No. I don’t think I am. But I want to be. I want to be the person who chases down secrets and shadows and mystery.’ He opened his mouth but she rushed on. ‘And I know it’s selfish to ask it of you, to expect more than what you’ve already given, but I’m asking for you to stay. To do this with me. To hold my hand and help me to beat back this fear so I can find a way back to what I’ve lost.’ She stroked his cheeks with her thumbs. ‘What we’ve lost. And maybe even become more.’
‘Okay.’
She blinked. As simple as that? She was asking him for everything and he just gave it to her. Her heart was so full, she wasn’t sure what to do with it. So she did the only thing she could think of.
She kissed him.
There was a roaring in her ears as his lips stilled under hers. Oh hell. What had she done? Was this too much for him? She was about to pull back, apologise but his lips moved on hers, opening to her, and she was falling, falling into him.
This. So familiar. Thrilling and world-shaking and yet comfort and warmth at the same time. She was flying, soaring above the clouds, unable and unwilling to come down.
Except, there was a coughing noise and something squirming against her chest.
The baby!
The others!
She stepped back, not knowing what to say—to Phil, to the others, to herself.
What the hell was she doing?
Then he smiled. And it was okay. It was all going to be okay.
‘Right, boys. Time we leave.’
She turned her head slowly to see Lexi scooping up the pile of documents in front of her, putting them in the box as Craig and Dae piled the diaries back into the trunk and slapped the lid closed.
She didn’t say anything. Neither did Phil. He just stood there, staring at her, the most extraordinary expression on his face.
Dae asked, ‘Do you mind if we take this back to the house? I’d like to continue—’
‘I don’t think they care,’ Lexi interrupted. ‘Go, just go.’
‘What are you going to do?’
‘Tidy up here.’
‘Right.’ Craig and Dae hoisted the trunk and banged out the front door.
‘Just give me a moment to take these boxes downstairs—ah, Jerry. Great timing.’
Melissa looked behind her to the stairs where Jerry had just appeared. ‘What’s going on?’ he asked, putting the backpack he carried his medical gear around in on the nearest couch.
‘Just tidying away some things to give Melissa and Phil a private moment together. Can you help carry these things downstairs?’
‘Sure, but I was just going to do Arwen’s daily weigh and check-ups.’
‘Let’s take her with us,’ Lexi said. ‘You don’t mind, do you?’ she asked Phil. ‘Bev’s got formula, bottles and spare nappies up at the main house. Jerry can do his checks and then Dae and I can babysit her—give you and Melissa the time you need to,’ she coughed, ‘chat.’
Before either she or Phil could respond, Lexi had loaded Jerry up with the box and suitcase, then took a grizzling Arwen from Phil’s arms, slung Jerry’s backpack over her shoulder and followed the nurse down the stairs.
Melissa stared after her, wondering what the hell she was supposed to do or say now. Then she looked back at Phil and knew exactly what she wanted if only she was brave enough to reach for it.
Chapter 22
His gaze was already on her. Why that should surprise her, she had no idea.
Love. He loved her. It was as complicated and simple as that.
And she …
‘That kiss,’ he said, his voice deep and soft.
‘Yes,’ she managed.
‘Should we talk about it?’
Should they? They probably should. She didn’t want there to be any misunderstandings. Didn’t want him to think she kissed him because she owed him or something.
She took his hand and led him to the couch, pulling him down gently to sit beside her.
He faced her and waited. His Adam’s apple bobbed up and down. He was as nervous as she was.
Somehow, that made her feel better. She loved him for it.
She loved him.
How could she not love him? He was Phil. He was everything she never knew she needed and everything she was certain she couldn’t live without.
The love she felt—it was both old and new. Deep and full and enduring. Precious. So precious. A forever kind of love.
And it frightened her more than anything had ever frightened her before.
She snatched her hand back, clenching it in her lap alongside the other. His eyes widened and she blurted, ‘Sorry. Sorry. Just give me a moment.’
He nodded.
So accepting. So patient. So non-threatening.
She’d kissed him.
It had been even better than their first kiss. A remarkable, earth-shattering kind of kiss. One that had made the others exit the room because of what it signalled.
So many steps forward and yet, now she was alone with him, it felt like she’d tumbled a thousand steps back.
Why was she still so afraid of these feelings she felt for him? She had no idea why she felt like that, but she was sick and tired of letting fear define her. She swallowed, her throat achingly dry. ‘There’s …’ she started, faltering, swallowed, tried again. ‘There’s this thing inside me.’ She touched her chest, her fingers clutching at her t-shirt. ‘A black, aching hole. Grief. Loss.’
He nodded. ‘Your parents—’
‘No. It was there before you told me about my parents. From the moment I woke up. The moment I saw you, that deep aching hole started aching more. Like it does when you suddenly see a photo of someone you’ve lost. There was relief and then it was like I was falling into that moment of grief and loss all over again. Like in that moment I was losing you. Like you were already gone. It felt like you were gone. And …’ She was babbling but now she’d started, she couldn’t seem to stop. ‘And I knew in the deepest part of me that it’s a loss I could never get over. Like that aching black hole inside would widen and spread until all I was, all I ever could be, was the aching chasm of the loss of you. And I know that’s stupid because you were never in danger. I was the one in the horrible accident. You were the one who almost lost me.’
