The Devil Inside, page 21
‘The mothering instinct is an amazingly strong thing.’ Bev shifted beside her, reaching out to stroke Arwen’s shoulder and tuck her little hand back into the blanket. The suckling had slowed and Arwen’s eyelids flickered, like she was experiencing some form of baby-bliss. ‘I’ve seen women who adopted babies able to breastfeed them where the will and need and mothering instinct all met. It’s not surprising your body wasn’t ready to give up on the joy of feeding your baby.’
Melissa sniffled and laughed. ‘It was pretty insistent. So was Arwen. She was determined to get to her milk.’
‘Of course she was, precious thing. She knows what’s best for her. And for you.’
Melissa nodded. She would never have believed it to be true. But now she was doing it, she couldn’t imagine not wanting to do it for as long as she could. The thought that she could give Arwen something nobody else could sang through her so strongly it overrode the panic and the fear she’d felt up until just moments ago. All that mattered was Arwen and her health and wellbeing.
Arwen was her baby and she was going to feed her from the breast as often as she could.
‘Can you show me how to do that expressing thing?’ she asked as she pulled down her top and lifted Arwen to burp her.
Bev patted her hand. ‘I will. But she’s not finished her feed yet—see the way she’s still fussing. It’s time for the other breast. She might not take as much from this side, so after she’s finished and we’ve burped her and put her down, I’ll show you how to express the rest of the milk from your breast then, okay?’
The door to the studio banged open and a panicked Craig came running into the room. ‘Bev, you need to come. Phil’s having some kind of panic attack.’
Melissa didn’t even stop to think what she was doing. Holding Arwen to her, she ran for the studio door.
Chapter 19
‘Phil? Where is he? Oh my god. Phil. What happened?’
Mel’s panicked voiced wavered in and out—why was she panicked? He needed to find out but couldn’t seem to speak past the tightness in his throat and the fog weighing him down.
‘He passed out. We think he had a panic attack.’
The couch dipped beside his leg, warmth brushing against him. ‘Has he had them before? Should we call the ambulance?’
‘No,’ Phil managed finally.
‘Phil!’
He opened his eyes and moaned at the brightness of the light haloing the face looking down at him. He covered his eyes with a hand that felt curiously like a dead weight. ‘Turn the light down.’
The light faded. ‘Better?’
‘Yes.’ He opened his eyes fully to see Mel leaning over him, Arwen clutched in her arms. His gaze moved past her to the men standing behind her—and Bev. ‘Damn it, Dae and Craig. I told you not to tell her.’
Her face clouded and then anger flashed in her eyes. ‘Not tell me? Of course they had to tell me. I’m your wife.’
‘You remember?’
‘Well … no. But that’s not the point. I am your wife. If you treat me like some guest or some porcelain doll who has to be kept from everything important in case it upsets me, then I’m never going to remember. Or feel like myself. I don’t think I would have put up with you doing that before and I’m not going to put up with it now. So … there.’
Despite the pain that still thumped through his head, Phil’s lips twitched into a smile. ‘So there?’
Her lips twitched too. ‘Yes. So there.’ She leaned forward, tentatively letting go of Arwen with one hand to brush his hair from his face. His skin tingled where she touched, warmth shooting out from the contact. The pain and fog lessened.
‘I didn’t want you to worry.’
‘I am worried. We’re all worried.’
‘Give the man some air. Melissa, go and put on the kettle. Craig, go and get a cold cloth. Dae, a glass of water.’ Bev took charge in moments and as they all bustled off at her bidding, she leant over him and took his pulse, mercifully only asking him questions about how he felt.
When she finished, the others were all back. ‘He’s fine. He’ll just need to rest up for a bit and have some fluids.’ She handed him the glass of water and helped him sit up a little to sip from it. The kettle began to boil.
‘Do you want me to make tea?’ Dae asked.
‘Only if you want one.’
‘Why did you ask me to turn it on?’ Mel asked.
‘You were all panicking and making him worse.’ Bev stood. ‘Well, I’m not needed here anymore. Just make sure he rests up—which means limit the twenty-questions.’ She pointed at Craig and Dae.
‘What did we do?’ Craig asked, but she didn’t answer, just repeated her instruction for Phil to rest up and then sailed out the door.
Mel gingerly lowered to the couch beside him. ‘Are you sure you’re okay?’
‘Head’s a bit poundy, but yeah. I’m fine now.’
Craig took a seat on the coffee table. ‘You gonna tell us what that was about, mate?’
The idea of telling his friends—telling Mel—the truth of his crushing weakness was more than embarrassing. What bloody use was he to anyone? Drumming had kept him sane through his teenage years and his difficult family dynamics and through many difficult times since then. But now the very thought of it made a cold sweat prickle on his skin.
But he had to face the truth. Had to tell the truth.
He couldn’t look at Mel though as he spoke the words. ‘I can’t drum.’
He expected an explosion of questions, but they all just looked at him, a perfect frozen moment of stunned … something. Disbelief? Disgust? Realisation of how useless he was to them all now?
Dae broke the tableau as he took a seat on the coffee table next to Craig, a thoughtful expression on his face. ‘You don’t just mean right now, do you?’
Phil shook his head still unable to look at Mel even though she’d grasped his hand.
‘Is that what caused the panic attack?’ Craig asked.
‘No.’
‘So, you didn’t have a panic attack because you realised you can’t drum?’
Phil shook his head again, expecting the panic to grip him once more, but Mel’s warmth beside him was a sizzle along his nerves, chasing away the last remnants of icy cold panic that had gripped him not long ago.
Arwen made a little noise. Mel bent down and kissed her, making a little shushing noise against the baby’s forehead. ‘I know you probably want some more milk. You were cut short, weren’t you, baby? Do you guys mind if I breastfeed her here?’
‘Not at all.’
‘Go ahead.’
He jerked to face her, his motions still not smooth to see her lifting her shirt and settling Arwen to her breast. ‘You’re breastfeeding? How is that possible?’
‘Bev said it happens. All I know is my milk came in. It’s the most amazing thing I’ve ever felt when Arwen latches on and begins to suckle.’
‘I wish I’d been there for the first time.’
She reached out and took his hand in hers again, moving it to her lap. ‘You’re here now. That’s all that counts. Alongside making sure you’re okay. What happened? Can you tell me about it?’
She held his gaze, not letting him look away, and suddenly, the idea of telling her wasn’t quite so bad. In fact, the fact she didn’t remember him suddenly made it easier—almost like he couldn’t let this Mel down with his confession because she had no expectations of him other than he be truthful. And he could do that. ‘I already knew I couldn’t drum. Before I came in today. I discovered it after you woke up from the coma.’
‘But you were fine at the charity gig,’ Craig said.
Phil shrugged. ‘Yeah. I was. But now I’m not.’
‘What happened after the charity gig?’ Dae asked softly.
Phil swallowed hard, his gaze pinned to Mel’s. ‘I don’t think it was one thing. I think I already felt a bit guilty about not staying and then my parents …’ He stopped, the idea of repeating his parents’ words drying his throat.
‘What did they say?’ Mel asked quietly, her grip tightening on his.
He shook his head, unable to speak the words. ‘Their usual bullshit. And I know it’s bullshit but … somehow, they got in. I tried not to let them, but they’re there.’ He tapped his head with his free hand.
‘Drilling into you,’ Mel said. ‘And you can’t forget.’
‘Yes.’ She understood. Relief lifted the weight from his shoulders. But of course she understood. Look at what she was going through. ‘I think there’s still a part of me that believes what my parents think of me. Like the boy I was is still in there. And he blames me for drumming instead of being there for you. Twice, I should have been with you but I was drumming. Having such a great time and you were dying.’
‘But I didn’t die. I’m right here.’ Her hand tightened on his.
‘I know. I know it sounds ridiculous but I can’t explain it any other way. I was drumming. You got hurt. My parents said I shouldn’t have been off drumming. That it’s intrinsically selfish. Now I can’t drum.’
‘Have you tried?’ Dae asked gently.
Phil nodded dully. ‘I puked all over the floor and almost passed out. I’m screwed. Just totally screwed.’
‘Shit, mate. Why didn’t you say something?’
Phil shook his head. ‘I don’t … I just didn’t want to … think about it. You know?’
‘You need to talk to someone about this. Maybe Alan—’
‘No!’ He pushed to his feet, his motion jostling Mel and the baby. Arwen let out a little cry as she was unsettled from Mel’s breast. ‘I’m sorry. I’m sorry.’
‘It’s okay.’ He stared as Mel resettled their baby to her breast. ‘I know this is distressing but, Phil, I think Dae is right,’ Mel said. ‘You made me see Alan and he’s really helping.’
‘I know but … I just need to … deal with this myself. Okay?’
She reached out to take his hand again, holding the baby one-armed like a pro. ‘Dealing by yourself is not the way to go. You made me see that. Let us help you.’
‘Come on, mate. You need help.’
‘Dae’s right. How long do you think you can go on like this? Without drumming?’
Phil rubbed his forehead. ‘Maybe forever.’
Craig hissed out a gasp. ‘You can’t be serious. You can’t do without drumming.’
‘I can. I will.’ He had to find a way. ‘Mel and Arwen. They need me now.’ He turned back to Mel. ‘Especially after what we found in the storage room.’
‘Why, what did you find?’
He hesitated—did he have a right to tell them?—but Mel nodded and told them what they’d found in the old storage boxes and the trunk.
‘Holy crap. It’s like a spy movie.’
‘It’s not a spy movie,’ he said, shaking his head at Craig. ‘It’s real life. Mel’s life. And I have to be there for her—for you,’ he said, meeting her beautiful, understanding eyes again. Hell, what would he do without her? Even without her memory of them, she was his everything.
She pulled her hand from his to pull down her top and lift Arwen to burp her. ‘I don’t want you using me as an excuse, Phil.’
He blinked, swallowed. ‘It’s not an excuse. It’s what I need, okay?’ He stared at her, willing her to understand. ‘What I need.’
Both Craig and Dae opened their mouths to argue with him, but Mel held up her hand, silencing them. ‘Okay. If working with me on my stuff is what you need to help get through this right now, then that’s what we’ll do.’
‘Really?’
She nodded.
The relief made him sink back to the couch next to her. She trusted him to know what was best for him right now and was ready to stand alongside him to help him do it.
It was almost like having his Mel back with him again.
‘This is stupid.’
He stiffened as Mel and Dae said, ‘Craig!’
Stupid. His father’s best epithet. Coming from one of his best friends, it carried new, fresh hurt. ‘I am not stupid.’
‘I didn’t say you were stupid. I said this is stupid. This entire line of thought. It’s ridiculous. Right, Dae?’ Craig said, pacing away then back again. ‘Surely you see that? Surely you see this is only guilt talking—pointless guilt at that. Just because you were drumming when Melissa was hurt and then when they had to operate to get Arwen out doesn’t mean you have to give up drumming. The two aren’t mutually inclusive. Dae? Melissa? Talk some sense into him.’
Dae sighed and then stood, his gaze never leaving Phil. ‘I’m with Melissa.’
‘I don’t know why you’re happy to accept this so readily,’ Craig said, turning his anger on Dae. ‘He’s talking about leaving the band!’
Dae didn’t flare up like he would have before he’d met Lexi. He’d changed so much since she’d come into his life. He’d mellowed. Become so much more secure within himself. Phil had had that with Mel. Maybe he was starting to get it again.
‘I’m not happy to accept it,’ Dae said, putting his hand on Craig’s shoulder. ‘But I am willing to accept it.’ He met Phil’s gaze. ‘Phil says he has to be there in every way for Melissa and Arwen—and if he believes that will help him more than anything else, then we need to respect that and support his decision.’
‘But we need him. He needs us.’
‘We’re not going anywhere.’ Dae’s expression took on a knowing look. ‘And Phil’s not going anywhere either. Not really. Not out of our lives.’
‘How can you be so … okay about this?’
Dae shrugged. ‘I’m not. None of this is okay. But it’s what we’ve got and so we’ll just deal.’
Phil bit the inside of his lip. Damn, he felt like crying. ‘Thanks, mate.’
‘We’re here for you.’ His gaze turned to Mel. ‘And you. Anything we can do to help unravel your mystery, we’re there.’
‘Thanks.’
‘And know, if … or when … you want to talk about this,’ he said, returning his attention to Phil. ‘If you need to talk, or take more time to see a specialist, or even if you just realise you’re ready to drum again, we’ll be here for you through it all.’
Panic flashed through Phil, snaking prickles across his skin, reminiscent of the start of the insidious downward slide he was desperate to escape. ‘Don’t wait for that. Don’t hope.’
Dae’s mouth flicked up at the corner. ‘Life can’t be lived without hope. Lexi taught me that.’ He shoved his hands in his pockets. ‘Let’s go get a drink and talk about how we can help you and Melissa figure out her past.’
They were at the door, Mel at his side holding his hand, still carrying Arwen, when Dae’s phone rang. ‘Lexi? You on your way? What? Shit. I’ll be right there.’
‘What is it?’ Phil asked, not liking the look on Dae’s face.
‘Karl’s called the police. They found a body washed up at the bend at the far east paddock. He thinks it’s Gavin.’
‘What?’
‘How?’
‘I don’t know. But knowing how these things go, they’re going to want to talk to all of us about the last time we saw him.’
‘How did this happen?’ Craig asked.
Dae pushed the door open. ‘I expect when we speak to the police, we’ll find out.’
Chapter 20
Dae and Craig ran off to see how they could help, while Phil and Melissa went back to the Barn House to await news. Melissa knew she should feel sad along with the rest of them—apparently she and Gavin had become firm friends before her accident, her having spent a lot of time with him, Cat and Billy while Lexi and the band were busy recording their album. But she couldn’t remember him at all, so she just sat silently with Phil and waited.
A few hours later, the police came down to the Barn House to interview them.
It was over before she knew it. She really didn’t have much to say. Neither did Phil. He’d liked the man and they’d shared a few drinks with Karl and the boys last year, but aside from that, he hadn’t really had much to do with him—he’d been busy with the album then with Melissa in hospital. He’d been as surprised as everyone else when the formerly trusty nurse just up and left suddenly, leaving a hastily scrawled note about a better job opportunity in Melbourne, but then they’d hired Jerry to help look after Cat and then to be Melissa’s primary carer when they brought her home to Storm Haven and he hadn’t given the other man much thought since.
Arwen started fussing as Phil showed the police out, so Melissa sat and gave a go at breastfeeding her once again. She had no idea how to express off her milk—and could hardly ask Bev to come down and show her now—so grabbed her phone and looked up instructions, finding some easy-to-follow ones about hand expressing.
She expressed the first fast few squirts into a bottle, then put Arwen onto her breast, sucking in a breath when Arwen latched on.
She became slowly aware of Phil standing beside her and looked up at him. He had tears in his eyes.
‘If you want to talk about him, or go grieve with the others—’
‘No, it’s not that,’ he said softly, kneeling down beside her. ‘I just never thought I’d get to see this. I was too distressed before to take it in. It’s beautiful.’
She looked down at their baby. ‘Yes. It is.’
They changed Arwen when she was finished feeding, then played with their baby until she started getting cranky. ‘Let’s put her to bed,’ Phil said.
Melissa picked up Arwen and carried her to the baby’s bedroom. He took Arwen from her to place in the cot.
She watched as he settled the baby, rubbing her tummy until she fell asleep. Then she stood beside him and watched their little princess sleep. She wasn’t sure how long they’d been there when Craig came in, face grim.
Phil went out into the hall with him. She wasn’t trying to overhear, but she couldn’t help hearing some of the grim discussion about the body that had been found, how he had been burned and had his hands and feet cut off like the other victim, Martin. Her mind swam with whispering voices, but she couldn’t grasp a hold of them, so forced herself back in time to hear Craig say, ‘The police speculate he had been buried in a shallow grave near the river and got washed out the other night in the big dump of rain we had.’
