Enclosed, page 10
“I was going to clean up.” I motioned to the plates before crossing my arms in front of me.
Blinking one more time, he answered. “Emily will take care of it. Go take a seat, I’ll bring you a glass of wine.”
Feeling oddly determined, I stood my ground. “My lord, this will be a nightmare to clean up if I don’t take care of it right away. I do not mind and since I am here, let me quickly dispose of everything.”
“No,” he bellowed loudly, making me jump back in fright. He coughed and lowered his tone. “No, I would prefer you to go and take a seat, and leave Emily to take care of this later.”
Feeling awkward, I went to go sit at the edge of the seat, partially because I was still dirty from the day’s cleaning but I also because I didn’t like the way this was all going. I heard some liquid being poured and I ignored my temptation to look at him so that nothing more severe progressed. I kept my eyes at the fire, though in my mind it was too warm for such a thing and I didn’t know why he thought having one would be a good idea.
Lost in my thoughts, I jumped when he handed me a glass. “Here.” He shook it in my face, and I reached with both hands and mumbled my thanks before he went to sit down.
I kept the glass in my lap and continued my gaze on the fire, not sure what was going to happen.
“Drink,” he demanded and I heard his own glass raised to his lips.
Balking, I stared at the amber liquid before raising it to gently touch my lips, trying to pretend.
“Did I stutter, Lisbeth? I said drink. You should know the taste of good wine when you get it.”
“Sir, I really don’t like it,” I whispered, staring down at the glass.
“It is an acquired taste. Drink, your lord commands it.”
I got so angry after this, being forced to do something I really didn’t want to. I took an angry gulp and then coughed profusely as a burning feeling went down my throat. If I didn’t like the taste, I really didn’t like the sensation or the feeling it left after it hit my stomach.
I saw some movement from the corner of my eye as he relaxed back in his chair. Refusing to acknowledge his presence, I took another drink and was glad to have something to do with my hands instead of sitting with nothing to do.
As time went by, and half my glass was emptied, I started feeling a bit clouded from the wine settling in my system. Understanding the draw to alcoholic beverages, I felt more confident as we silently drank our wines and stared at the fire. I felt myself heat up profusely, and wished I had some cold water to run over me.
When I got more liquid courage in me, I glanced over at him. I noticed he was watching me, thoughts clearly clouding his face. His gloved hand cradled his glass and I felt my brain fighting over what I wanted to say.
“Like what you see,” I slurred, then laughed at myself over the shock of my words. Noticing the wine was making me look ridiculous, I kept holding the glass in my lap, deciding I shouldn’t drink anymore.
“In a way,” he responded, a small red tint hitting his cheeks. I balked and felt my mouth drop before stupidly laughing at his confession.
“Good thing we are friends,” I said, gesturing to the both of us. Forgetting I had a glass in my hands, I almost sloshed some wine down myself but the wine miraculously stayed in the glass and I lowered it back down to my lap.
“I suppose,” he whispered, his face back to being cool. “It seems you are very comfortable making friends after all.”
“What?” I said, noticing anger rising in his face.
“You, today. The man, Gavan right? You seemed to be friendly with each other.” He tried to sound cool and unexpressive, but I noticed his gloved hands clenching on the armchairs of his seats. He was pissed and I, to my surprise, thought it was from envy and jealousy over anything that had to do with him.
“We are friendly because we are friends.” I emphasized the word friends so he could hear it clearly. He didn’t seem amused by my declaration.
“I never realized you were someone who could be friends with a lot of people.”
“I don’t see any reason to not want to be friends if people are open to friendship. Better have many friends than none at all.”
He squirmed in his seat. I felt another verbal argument coming.
“Friendships should be considered individually important. If you think you can pick and choose many friends, what is the value of that friendship?”
“They are all valuable!” I remarked, while jumping to my feet. Why couldn’t I keep calm around him when we argued? “You don’t realize this, my lord, but sometimes friendships bring different things to the table. My sister was different from my best friend but that didn’t make them less important to me. I valued each of them equally, just like I value yours and Gavan’s friendship equally too. Don’t speak for me if you don’t understand what I am feeling, you may speak as a lord but not as a representation of myself!”
Silence answered more than his words as he sat there and did nothing. Tears burned my eyes as I let out a big breath of annoyance.
“This is a mistake,” I whispered and headed towards the door.
I heard movement behind me and I pushed myself to go faster. I felt his gloved hand enclose around my wrist as he pulled me back. Agitated, I was whipped around to face him, only to find his eyes showing a kind of emotion. Lost in trying to translate what they were saying, he inched closer before I felt his lips press against mine.
So many emotions ran through my head—shock, fear, delight, confusion, but the one thought that ran through my mind was “what”. I had never been in a romantic situation before, let alone a kiss so I didn’t know if this is what I was supposed to feel or if I was supposed to be doing something. My analytical brain was trying to crush down the emotions dancing around my head, because I didn’t know what to do.
So I stood there, arms grabbed by his hands as he had his warm lips embrace mine. When I didn’t pull away, he deepened it, the pressure on my top lip being pulled apart by the bottom one. Then I felt a tongue dart between my lips and that was when I couldn’t handle the emotions anymore.
I pushed myself backwards, gulping breath like a fish out of water. Redness covered his perfect face as he stared at me with a look I could only assume was longing, like he didn’t want to part and he wanted to do it again. Being new to this, I knew this is something I had to face alone and not in his presence.
I pushed away from him, his arms dropping when I did so. Backing out slowly, I never lost eye contact as I felt for the doorknob and exited, watching as he stood perfectly still, watching me leave.
Chapter 17
I ran down the hall and up the flight of stairs, ignoring the looks from Emily and Mr. Hugh as I went. I ran straight into my room and, without even taking off my shoes, I fell into the bed, running over the events of the evening. I came to a sickening conclusion that I was running away again, the pressure from the evening weighing more heavily on me as I processed what was happening between us both.
I rolled around the darkness, wishing I had Abigail to talk to. I could hear her giggle and gasp with glee as I replayed the parts. “This is like a fairy tale” she would have said, and we would rejoice in the fact that a man actually took enough interest in us to risk such character as to kiss a woman they were not engaged to.
Unfortunately, I was not talking to her, or laughing about it, and tears spilled down my cheeks in a steady stream. I was miserable, and the pure terror of not having any female companions bothered me more than anything else. I wished for my town, my mother, my sister, and my loneliness grew and ached as I cried pitifully into my pillow.
I hated everything at that point, and it was that feeling to make me realize and understand what depression really was. It also made me realize I really needed to make a friend in this place or I was going to have to leave.
Looking back, I wished I could have focused on the kiss more. What His Lordship was striving for. What he meant by it. I didn’t care. I just wanted a friend, and if you never told your friend about a romantic interest or a moment where something new happened, you would understand the pain I was in.
I wiped my nose and eyes using the sleeve on my dress to clear off the wetness I conjured during my crying spell. I knew I looked wretched but I didn’t care as I hunted down to try and find Gavan.
I went out of my room quietly and looked across the hall. I noticed his door was closed and I nervously wondered if he was still waiting for me or if he gave up and returned to his room. Taking a deep breath, I knocked on his door and waited to see if he was there. I heard a shuffle behind the door and some steps as the door swung open and Gavan’s tall stature filled the door frame. Due to the darkness, I unfortunately couldn’t see his face. He stood silently, and based on the shadow of his figure, I knew he was staring down at me, waiting for me to begin talking.
“I am so sorry,” I whispered hoarsely, upset that I probably made him mad at me. I didn’t want to lose his friendship and I took a deep breath and continued.
“I know that you were expecting me but he—” I put an emphasis on “he” so that he could understand my meaning. “—demanded I go to him for dinner. I should have found you and told you but I didn’t and well, I really am sorry.” I broke down on the last sorry, tears creeping up my eyes again and my throat constricted. I worried about his answer and lowered my head in shame.
“I was wondering where you were,” he whispered simply, not sounding like Gavan, almost like a parent scolding a child.
I sighed and waited for him to say more.
After a long pause, he continued. “I thought you were ignoring me, or trying to avoid me. I got really upset when you never turned up.”
I let myself sigh, the wetness from my crying making my sigh shake.
He continued. “I understand we have to go to him first, but you’re right, I would have appreciated you telling me so I didn’t waste my time setting up.”
I blushed and felt embarrassed for his rationale, for his demeanor with me. I put my hand on his arm and he recoiled from it, making me feel even worse over the fact that he was so upset with me.
My mind shifted into problem solving, as I tried to figure out how to fix this friendship. All thoughts were shifted suddenly as he grabbed my wrist, and encircled his enormous hands and wrapped them around my own. My breath caught as I felt some warmth in my stomach and I wished more than anything that I could see his face to figure out what he was thinking. His thumb rubbed against my knuckles and I let out a watery sigh, sick and tired of the mind games I was receiving.
“However,” he whispered, still rubbing my knuckles, “I understand and thank you for apologizing. It is forgiven and forgotten.”
I smiled at his words and gave a nod to show I heard.
“In fact” he began, I could hear the smile on his face. “We can sneak downstairs now and go see him if you want. I still have all the stuff downstairs.”
“I would love that,” I whispered hoarsely, glad I had this opportunity to fix it.
“Grab something warm and let's go,” he whispered excitedly, closing the door behind him. I was glad to run across the hall and grab a blanket from my bed, and meet him in the hall.
Gavan held a finger up to his lip and made a hush sound as we slowly went down the stairs and out the door. I was grateful to see that it was empty in the kitchen as we slowly made our way outside and to the barn. The air was crisp and cool, a nice change from recent warm weather that we were experiencing. I turned to look inside the estate and saw not one window had candlelight, and my adventurous side squirmed with pleasure.
We jogged quickly to the barn and Gavan opened the door quietly as we walked into the dark barn.
“Take my hand,” he said, using his normal tone. I reached out to grab it and the warmth from earlier reached the pit of my stomach. I felt his arm lead and I followed, trying to match him for step as he went to the stall Treats resided.
“Let’s take a moment and let the light adjust. If we need to, we can try to find the candle, but it would be hard for me to light right now and find something to light it with.”
“I agree,” I said and he continued to lead me to the stall. Once we got there, he let go of my hand and I reluctantly wished for him to grab it again. I heard some clicks and whistles and turned to face the black blob that must have been him.
“Come to me slowly,” he whispered and I walked to stand next to him. He grabbed my wrist and my breath caught as he led it to a mass of soft fur. I sighed and was so glad to feel the gentle baby fur that must have been Treats.
“I bet you're smiling,” said Gavan and I could hear the pleased demeanor in his voice.
“Of course I am smiling!” I said, continuing to pet the back of Treats. “I love that I get to be a part of this.”
“Me, too,” said Gavan as he joined in with our petting.
We stood in silence for a nice comfortable moment, enjoying the time we spent with Treats, who also seemed pleased to be receiving that much attention.
After some time, Treats left us and I sighed contentedly, thinking about how my evening was ending pleasant versus the despair I was becoming accustomed to. Gavan also sighed and leaned away from the stall, and faced the open barn door in earnest.
“Shall we finally try to get some sleep?” He yawned, causing me to yawn as well.
“I think that is a wonderful idea.” I sighed and started walking out of the barn. The cool crisp air hit my cheeks and I was thankful to have the blanket over my shoulders. “It is so nice out,” I said. “It has been miserably hot, and it’s nice to finally feel some coolness.”
“Want to sit out here for a few minutes before we head back? I don’t mind,” he said, gesturing to the grass.
Taking my blanket, I laid it out on the grass and sat upon it, though my ankles felt the dew that was formed on the grass. I laughed shrilly from the wetness and raised my knees up to my chin and rested there to avoid any more surprises.
Gavan stood for a long second before plopping down next to me, trying to scrunch up his body to fit on the blanket, but also trying not to touch me. I tried to make room, but our arms brushed amongst ourselves and I knew that there was no hope if we wanted to sit on the grass together.
“Thank you for everything,” I said as I breathed in the cool air.
“Thank you for everything,” he returned, looking up at the dark moon. “I appreciate our friendship and it’s nice when this place can be lonely.”
A warmth spread from my fingers to my toes and I did not try to hide the smile off my face. We stayed in silence, enjoying the cool crisp air and our company.
“Are you staying?” he asked after a spell, still gazing upwards.
I stilled at the question, the events of the night rushing in on me. How much did I want to tell him?
Sensing my hesitation, he grabbed my hand and held it, waiting patiently for me to answer. Feeling comfortable finally in sharing, I started telling him the story of the events that have been happening, first with the situation of helping him, until the part where he kissed me. He didn’t look at me or say anything, but I knew he listened intently because after I finished, he turned to face me with a look on his face to tell me that what he was going to say is important.
“Sounds like you are in some sort of trouble.” He sighed. “I worry you will be cast out soon if you don’t do something now to fix it with him. Though maybe the best answer is to leave when Matthew comes.”
“That is what I was afraid of,” I said. “I have nowhere to go, reputation intact or not. I cannot go back to where I came and I cannot help but worry that this is going to be bad for me. I have no idea what I should do.”
Tears started up again and I used the back of my hand to push them away. My head was throbbing from all the crying and I was trying my best to not focus on what was making me emotional, but more on the fact that Gavan was trying to help.
“What can I do?” he asked simply, but I knew he meant it as a sign that he really wanted to help me.
“I don’t know,” I admitted, and stood up. “I just know whatever it is, I need to figure it out, and soon.”
He followed me and stood up as well. “If you need anything—” he started
“I know,” I interrupted and smiled at him. “Thanks”
With that, we walked silently inside, up the stairs and to our own rooms, where the few hours of sleep waited for both of us.
Chapter 18
T he next day passed with me lying in bed. After a few hours of the sun in the sky, Emily knocked politely on my door to ask if I was fine. I faked an illness, saying I was warm and didn’t feel too well, and she politely offered to tell Mr. Hugh and bring me some food.
Time slowly dwindled in much boredom as I rolled back and forth on my bed. My stomach growled in hunger, but I ignored the food that waited outside my door and made myself contemplate how I was going to get out of this mess. The warm day filled my windowless room and I was kicking the sheets on and off myself in anger that I wanted the comforting weight, without the additional warmth that came with it on me.
After several hours of frustration, another knock came on the door and I ignored it, wishing I was really sick and sleeping it off. To my annoyance, the knock kept continuing until I growled and grabbed the blanket around me to walk to the door. I pried it open to see that it was none other than Lord Duvan, and he looked positively livid.
While I tried my best to recover from the shock of seeing him in front of me, he didn’t waste any time advancing on me, his gloved hands prying the door open wider to admit him to enter. I backed away in terror, tripping over the blanket that hung to my feet and landed next to the bed.
While he approached me with anger, some of the tension in his face left as he saw me sprawled out on the floor and he extended his hand to help me. Trying not to spend too much time feeling embarrassed, I accepted his help and he lifted me up. When I tried to let go of my hand however, he held onto it, the coolness from his glove feeling comfortable, though the grasp around my hand felt like I was imprisoned.
