Hunter, page 23
“What’s so funny?” Ginny appeared beside me, smiling but confused.
“Just grownup stuff, baby.” I wanted to pull her onto my lap, but my back and neck warned me not to, so instead I wrapped my arm around her, reeled her close, and kissed the top of her head. “Shouldn’t you be getting ready for a bath?”
She giggled, and then pulled free and trotted down the hall.
Leo chuckled. “My sister would sell her soul for her kids to be that enthusiastic about bathtime.”
Rachel huffed a laugh. “Uh-huh. The gods favor no one—we’ll pay for it when she’s a teenager or something.”
“Probably,” Leo and I agreed.
“All right.” I gingerly got up, closed my laptop, and I tapped a knuckle on the table. “I’ll finish up my bills after she goes to bed.”
“Sounds good.” Rachel smiled bigger than I’d seen in years. Literally years. “And seriously—tell Scott we said thank you.”
My own smile was a bit halfhearted, but I nodded. “I will.”
I left them in the kitchen and followed my daughter down the hall. In the bathroom, I ran the water for her bath, then hoisted myself on the counter. She was almost old enough that she wouldn’t need one of us hovering nearby while she was in the tub, but not quite, so we all took turns hanging out while she splashed around and played with her various toys.
While she played in the tub, I scrolled through my phone. I’d been texting with Scott earlier, but he’d gone golfing and then had plans with some of his teammates, so he’d probably be offline until late. That was fine; we both had other things going on in our lives.
Except I also really wanted to talk to him. Or, well, needed to, because I wasn’t sure how much I wanted to have this conversation.
How do I tell you how grateful I am, but also make it clear that I don’t want you spending this much money on me?
Ugh. Fuck. How awkward.
I was grateful. Beyond grateful. We all had good vehicles with some actual life left in them, and now we were safe from living on the street for a year. I hadn’t even processed this enough to calculate how much money would stay in our pockets because it wouldn’t be going to the rent. That was like… fuck. That was easily in the neighborhood of twenty-five grand on top of what he’d spent on the cars, which was probably even more than that, not to mention the money he’d been paying me all summer.
And that kind of made me sick to my stomach. I was elated that my family was taken care of, but I was seriously uncomfortable too. The gesture was amazing, but this was too huge. Even the cars had been hard for me to wrap my head around. This? Oh my God. Was I going to owe him somehow? Was I basically locked into sleeping with Scott until… I don’t know, until some time in the future when he thought I’d worked off three cars and a year’s worth of rent?
I couldn’t put my finger on what bothered me about it, only that it did, and I needed to find a way to gently explain to Scott that I didn’t want him to spend that kind of money on me.
So what was I supposed to do? Ask him to un-pay a year’s rent? How did I even broach the subject without coming across as ungrateful?
I had no idea.
All I knew was that Scott and I definitely needed to talk.
Chapter 23
Scott
“We need to talk.”
Hunter sounded earnest, not angry, but the words made my heart stop anyway.
“Um. Okay.” I closed the front door and gestured down the hall. “Why don’t we go in the living room?” That seemed a little more neutral than the bedroom.
He nodded, avoiding my gaze, and oh, shit, was my brain going in a million different directions. By the time we’d settled onto my couch, I had at least a hundred worst-case scenarios mapped out in my head, and I probably hadn’t even thought of the one he was about to drop on me.
He inhaled slowly, then reached for my hand and gave it a gentle squeeze. “I appreciate what you did. The cars, the rent—all of it. I’m beyond grateful for it, and so are Rachel and Leo. So please, please don’t misunderstand me here.” His forehead creased as he looked in my eyes. “I appreciate it, but I don’t want your money. You’re paying me as an escort, but outside of that, I…” He sighed, shoulders sagging. “God, that makes me sound like an ungrateful tool. I’m not. You’ve made a huge difference for me and my family.” Hunter touched his chest with his free hand. “I can’t even tell you how much I appreciate that.”
I swallowed. “But it’s too much.”
Grimacing, he nodded. “I’m sorry. I know I probably sound like a complete asshole, and—”
“No, I get it.” I turned my hand over and clasped it with his. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to overstep.”
“I know. I know it wasn’t meant to be…” He hesitated, then shook his head. “I get it. I just want to make sure that boundary is clear.”
Mute, I nodded. This was definitely not what I’d expected when he’d come in, and it also wasn’t a worst-case scenario by any means. He wasn’t leaving. He wasn’t even angry. He just wanted to get us on the same page and lay down a boundary. So why was I almost shaky with fear? Why did it bother me so much that something I’d done with good intentions had actually upset him?
My God. I really don’t know how to do this, do I? Whatever it is we’re even doing.
He must have seen all the apprehension in me because he clasped both of his hands around mine and looked me right in the eyes. “I mean it. This isn’t a crisis or anything. You’re a really sweet guy. And everything you did for us has literally changed our lives.”
I swallowed, combing my fingers through his hair. “But it’s… You’d rather not…”
“It’s…” Hunter sighed and dropped his gaze. “I don’t know how to explain it. Like, I can’t reciprocate, so it feels… imbalanced, I guess? Or like there’s pressure or strings attached or—something. I don’t even know.”
“Okay.” I smoothed his hair. “If you’re not comfortable with it, then I won’t anymore. It doesn’t matter why.”
He studied me, then slowly seemed to relax. “Really?”
“Of course. I want…” I hesitated. I wanted to say this was a transaction and I wanted to keep things balanced. Why didn’t that sound honest, though? The balance part, yes, but the transaction? I couldn’t put my finger on it, so I just went with, “I don’t want things to be out of balance.”
He smiled and leaned in to kiss me softly. “I think we’re on the same page, then.”
“Yeah?”
“Mmhmm. It’s not even a big crisis, you know?” He gave a quiet laugh. “You made sure my little girl isn’t going to be sleeping on the street. That’s something I’ve been legitimately afraid of for a while now.”
“Holy shit. Seriously?”
“Yep. Destitution sucks.” He ran his hand along my forearm. “So I’m not mad. I never was.”
“Oh.” Well, damn. That was a relief. I was still off-kilter, still sure I’d almost blown this thing, but Hunter was, as always, chill and easygoing. And if he didn’t want me offering up money but was also sleeping better knowing his daughter had a roof over her head, I felt like that could balance things out enough to let me sleep easy too.
“We’re good, Scott. I promise.” He bit his lip, and the smile turned to a grin. “In fact, now that that’s out of the way, there’s no reason we can’t…” His eyes flicked toward the stairs before meeting mine again.
I grinned too despite the way my pulse jumped. He really was still into this. Okay. Okay, good. And what better way to drive that point home?
So we both got up and headed for the stairs.
As we did, I was turned on by the prospect of getting naked with him, but there was also relief. He still wanted this. He wasn’t turning me away.
Hunter had been sweet and even tentative while we’d talked, but I still felt like Coach Henderson had just chewed my ass and threatened to release me from my contract. As if I’d been in the hot seat with a whole lot on the line. It was a familiar fear that something was slipping through my fingers and there was nothing I could do to stop it.
But I hadn’t lost Hunter.
A part of me still expected the money issue to cause tension between us, but as the summer went on, it didn’t come up again. We didn’t talk about it, anyway. I thought about it a lot more than I probably should have.
I absolutely respected his boundary about money, but it did make me feel a little… unbalanced? Precarious? Like being able to pay for things and buy him what he needed had given me a way to show him I cared, and without that, I was afraid I wouldn’t be able to convey that enough. I didn’t know how to do this, whatever the hell it was we were doing.
I didn’t think everything between us was just a transaction anymore, and I didn’t think he was a gold digger, but I worried that with that boundary in place, it was only a matter of time before he picked on how utterly incompetent I was with relationships. There were people my age who’d been married for ten or fifteen years. Hunter had even been married for a while. Me? Nada.
We kept seeing each other. I kept paying him for the nights we spent together because that was our agreement, but otherwise, we really had fallen into a groove that didn’t feel like escort-client anymore. We hung out. We texted. He slept over a few nights a week (though not every night, since he understandably didn’t want to bail on Ginny).
Admittedly, this didn’t feel like something I was paying for. The only time I really thought about it was when I was setting up the booking or closing it out on the Emerald City app. Those each took all of two minutes at the very most. Once I’d put my phone aside, I forgot all about the money or his job. I was just too caught up in how much I liked being with him. Not just embracing who I’d always been afraid to be, but doing it with him. The sex was amazing, and so was lying in bed talking until we were both falling asleep. When he wasn’t feeling up to doing anything physical, we’d order takeout and park in front of the TV with some icepacks for both of us, joke about being creaky old men, and watch Marvel movies or old hockey games (since Hunter was trying to learn how the sport worked). If we couldn’t see each other for whatever reason, we were texting. Constantly.
All of that felt as easy and natural as the sex, and I loved it. I couldn’t believe how many years of this I’d missed. And why? Because I’d been brainwashed. Because I’d been raised by—and was afraid to be rejected by—people who didn’t think it was necessary to love the sinner any more than they loved the sin.
Maybe it was time to stop being scared.
“I think I need to come out to my family,” I blurted out one night while we were sitting on my couch.
Hunter’s eyes widened. “You want to?”
“No. No, I…” I laughed humorlessly. “I definitely don’t want to. But I want to start living honestly. And openly.” I swallowed the acid trying to rise in my throat. “I can’t do that while I’m scared of what they’re going to do when they find out. I… Goddamn.” I rubbed my eyes. “I’m not even there yet, and I’m already so nervous I want to throw up.”
Hunter gently kneaded the back of my neck. “Scott. Look at me.”
I met his gaze.
Voice gentle he said, “You don’t owe it to them. They’re the reason you’ve been afraid to be you all this time.” He squeezed my hand. “You would be completely justified in coming out to the people who care about you, or coming out publicly, and then just going on with your life.”
I considered what he said, but after a moment, I shook my head. “No. I need to do this. Being afraid of their reaction is what’s kept me closeted for all this time. I need to look them in the eye and tell them, take whatever is coming, and be done with it.”
“But why do that to yourself?”
I swallowed. “Because if I don’t, then I’ll always be waiting for that shoe to drop. Either someone’s going to interview my family, or they’re going to show up at a game, or we’re going to wind up at something together. Hell, they could show up on my doorstep.” I shook my head. “I know it’s going to suck. But I need to face it and be done with it, or I’m never going to move past it.”
Hunter watched me for a long moment, and I thought he was going to argue, but then he nodded. “I mean, you know yourself. If that’s what you need, then…” Another nod. “Just…” He chewed his lip. “Do you want some moral support?”
“What do you mean?”
“I mean, if you want someone to come with you…” He rubbed his thumb alongside my hand.
The piece connected in my head, and I sat straighter. “Oh. God. No. No, you…” I shook my head. “It’s going to be messy as hell. I don’t want you to be caught in that shitstorm.”
“I don’t want you facing it alone.” He squeezed my hand. “And yes, it’ll be messy and all, but it won’t last forever. I’m assuming you’re going to be staying somewhere, and there’s still the trip back to Seattle afterward.” He searched my eyes. “Do you want to be alone for that?”
I stared down at our hands. The drive back from Rexburg was always miserable. I barely knew what the scenery looked like, because I spent every drive wallowing in shame and self-loathing. It hadn’t even occurred to me that I’d have to make that drive again after this debacle. I supposed I could fly—I’d done that a few times if my schedule was tight—but the thought of being crammed into a plane with my thoughts and a few dozen strangers made my skin crawl.
Driving back with Hunter, though…
Having Hunter there with me when I came out…
And my God, walking away from my parents and going someplace with him, whether we landed in bed or just talked or drank ourselves stupid…
I met his gaze. “You’d really go with me?”
“Of course,” he said without hesitation. “I know what it’s like to need support. My parents weren’t jerks about it, and I still needed backup.”
“But you’re…” I dropped my gaze to our hands again.
“Hmm?”
My mind was going a million miles an hour, and maybe this wasn’t the time or the place to be having any of these thoughts, never mind the conversation. This man was offering to be with me at what might be the worst moment of my life. The last thing I needed to do was make things weird and scare him off.
On the other hand, wasn’t I trying to be more honest with myself and the people around me?
“Scott?”
I took a deep breath and looked in his beautiful dark eyes. “Are you coming with me as an escort? Or…?”
“As far as what you tell your family? Or what I am to you?”
I swallowed. “The second one.”
He held my gaze. “How do you want me to come with you?”
Oh, fuck, I was afraid to answer that honestly. I still felt lucky as hell things had shaken out all right after the situation with me paying his rent. I really didn’t want to overstep another boundary. No, I didn’t think of him as an escort anymore. Maybe that made me a complete moron. I was still giving him money, after all.
“I guess… I don’t know. Honestly. I don’t.” I shook my head. “At the risk of putting my foot in my mouth, I don’t really think of you that way. As an escort, I mean. Not anymore.”
“You don’t?” His tone was gentle, and his expression was placid, but hell if I could figure out what he was thinking.
“Not really, no. I’m still paying you because that’s what we agreed on. But it’s kind of an afterthought, you know?” I hesitated, then quietly added, “I just like having you here.”
“Really?”
“Yeah,” I whispered.
There was a soft smile tugging at his lips, and he gently squeezed my hand. The smile fell, though, as did his shoulders. “Your season is starting soon, though, isn’t it?”
Ah, damn. It was. I usually looked forward to hockey season kicking off, but I was kind of dreading it now. “Yeah. It does. I won’t be gone all the time, though. When I’m in town…”
“You want to keep doing this?”
I nodded. “And I’m happy to keep paying. I don’t want—it’s not an issue, I mean. I just want to keep seeing you.”
“Me too.” He leaned closer and kissed me gently. As he drew back, he said, “What about this thing with your folks, though? I’m not worried about the payment situation. I just want make sure the lines are clear between us. So I don’t step wrong, you know?”
“So you don’t—” I blinked. “What do you mean?”
He half-shrugged. “This is new territory for you. And yeah. We’ve kind of been making the client-escort thing blurry for a while. I hadn’t even realized it, but… yeah. We have. I just want to make sure things don’t get too far off the rails from what we’re supposed to be doing. More than you want them to, I mean.”
I chewed the inside of my cheek. “How do we know if it’s too far off the rails?”
“I don’t know. You’re calling the shots.”
“Except I’m not.” I covered his hand with mine. “We’ve both been calling some shots. Kind of seems like we should both have a say at this point.”
“Oh.” Hunter swallowed. “Okay. Maybe.”
“What do you think we should do?”
“Well.” His eyes lost focus, and he was quiet for a few long seconds before he met my gaze. “Maybe it doesn’t need a name right now. I’ll come with you to talk to your parents, and I’ll support you any way you need me to. We won’t worry about the definition, just what you need.”
“Are you sure?” I whispered
Hunter nodded. “I’m sure. We’re in some weird territory, and I think we have been for a while. So let’s just roll with it and see what happens. Especially now, while you’re looking at coming out, let’s back-burner putting a name on what we’re doing so you can focus on that. I’ll be there either way.”
“Okay.” I brought his hand up and pressed my lips to his palm. “And thank you.” I didn’t even know which part I was thanking him for. Probably all of it.
