Sleepless November (Sleepless November Saga Book 1), page 14
Holden: I’d like to take you to dinner.
A part of me starts to panic, knowing that he’s bound to catch on to my relapse eventually. I’ve lost almost eight pounds in the last four days. It’s addicting and there’s no end in sight.
Me: Sorry. Already ate.
I watch as the three dots appear, signifying me that he’s typing. I wait for his response, hoping he will take my excuse.
Holden: Ice cream then.
I should have known better. There are a lot of words I would use to describe Holden, but gullible is not one of them. Instead of trying to make up an excuse, I distract him in the best way I know how.
Me: I want something in my mouth,
but it’s not food. 😘
Holden: I’m on my way.
I laugh, tossing my phone to the side and sitting up. As I put away my books, Bree looks at me curiously.
“Going out?”
I nod. “I’ll be back in a couple of hours. Do you want me to bring you back anything?”
She thanks me for the offer, but declines. I go into the bathroom and brush my teeth and my hair before heading out the door. As great as things are going with Bree, I don’t want to risk ruining it by Holden coming to the door to get me. I’d rather wait outside.
I should have thought to check the weather, because as soon as I get outside, I find it’s freezing. I’m about to head back up to grab a sweatshirt when Holden pulls up. Instead of asking him to wait, I climb into the car.
“Are you crazy? You’re going to get sick.” He takes off his hoodie and passes it to me.
“Well, now you’re going to get sick.”
“Better me than you. Take it.”
I roll my eyes playfully. “Bossy.”
He smirks, sending me a wink before pulling away. I know I had originally planned not to rush back into this, but if that’s what it takes to keep my relapse a secret, so be it. Besides, sex burns calories.
As soon as we get to the house, Holden practically runs into the house. I don’t blame him. It feels like it’s cold enough to snow outside, and he’s in a t-shirt. I follow behind him, burrowing my face into the sweatshirt. It smells like him, and I’m quickly learning it’s one of my favorite scents.
“Kayleigh!” Caleb yells from where he sits on the couch.
I giggle at his excitement. “Hey.”
“We’ve missed you around here.”
He starts asking me about finals and what I’ve been up to. I somewhat expect for Holden to get jealous, but if he does, he doesn’t mention it. He reaches forward to gently grab my hand, playing with my fingers as he waits patiently for me to get done talking. After a few more minutes, I say goodbye to Caleb and the two of us head upstairs.
“You two seem close.” He says as soon as he shuts his bedroom door.
I raise my eyebrows, wondering where he’s going with this. When he frowns, I know he needs the reassurance. “We’re just friends.” I whisper. He sits on his dresser and takes a deep breath. I walk over and stand in between his legs, putting my hands on his face. “Seriously, we’re friends. That’s it.”
His eyes search mine for something unbeknownst to me. “Tell me I’m not alone in this.”
My head tilts slightly to the side. “Alone in what?”
“This.” He motions between us. “Feeling like the stars shine a little bit brighter now that you’re in my life. Like fate, destiny, and divine intervention all aligned perfectly to put you and I together. Like I’m finally seeing clearly for the first time in my life. I need to know that this isn’t one sided. I know you need time, and I’m not rushing you. I just need to know that you feel the same way.”
I lean forward, pressing my lips to his as I let his words sink in. “You’re not alone. Not even a little, I promise.” I answer honestly.
He pulls me closer, reattaching our lips and sinking his fingers into my hair. The kiss isn’t rushed or heated, but it is intense. No matter how close we are to each other, both of us try to get closer. I feel like I could live inside his chest and it still wouldn’t be enough.
That night, after Holden drops me off, I fall asleep with a smile on my face. Though, part of that could be because I got away with my relapse for another day. I know it won’t last forever. I just hope he doesn’t hate me when he finds out.
I SHOULD HAVE KNOWN he would be able to read right through me. After two days of distracting Holden with sex, he finally realizes that he hasn’t seen me eat anything since the last time I slept over.
“Come on, get dressed.” He says.
I groan, throwing my head back like a child. “Do I have to?”
“Yes.”
“Where are we going?”
He studies my face as the words leave his mouth. “Out to breakfast.”
I suck in a quick breath and then wince, knowing I already gave it away. I could probably get away with it if I just agree to go. Maybe I could even choose something low calorie off the menu, like egg whites or something.
Who am I kidding? This is Holden. The same guy who made me eat pizza on day five of my recovery. I’m supposed to be two months in by now. He’ll definitely know something is up.
“I don’t want to.” I whisper.
He sighs. “I thought you might say that.” Holden reaches into a bag on the desk, pulling out a muffin – and it’s déjà vu all over again. “Eat this.”
I eye it carefully, feeling my anxiety building in the back of my mind. It’s just a muffin. It’s just a muffin. It’s just a muffin. I repeat it like a mantra in my head, hoping if I say it enough, I’ll believe it. However, as I go to take a bite, I stop. Holden’s head drops as soon as I do.
“How long?” He questions, sitting down on my bed.
Biting my lip, I quickly try to rack my brain for any possible way to get out of this. Nothing. “Since the party.”
He looks up at the ceiling and exhales a long breath. “Why?”
Oh god. This isn’t going to be pretty.
“I don’t know.” I lie, but he doesn’t buy it.
“Kayleigh.” He warns, still not making eye contact with me. “Why?” When I don’t say anything, he continues. “Was it because of me?”
“Not exactly.”
“Because of her? The girl you saw me with?”
I swallow before answering. “Yes.”
Holden stands, pacing around the room while I stay frozen on my bed. “Okay, well we need to get you back on track – starting with this muffin.”
My breathing starts to quicken as my chest becomes tight. Fuck. My eyes widen as I look back and forth between Holden and the muffin. I’m going to have to eat this, and then I’m going to get fat again. He’s going to go back to making out with perfectly skinny girls and leave me all alone. I can’t. I won’t.
He drops to his knees in front of me, knocking the muffin out of my sight and onto the floor.
“Baby. Babe. Breathe. Look at me.” He takes my head into his hands. “You’re fine. Everything is good, yeah? There’s nothing to worry about.”
I can hear him, but his words don’t matter. The only thing I can focus on is gasping for air, feeling like each breath I take isn’t nearly enough. I lie down, suddenly feeling lightheaded. Holden gets behind me, wrapping his one arm around me while he uses the other hand to run his fingers through my hair. It takes a while, but I finally manage to calm down.
“I’m sorry.” I whisper, bringing his hand to my mouth and kissing his knuckles.
He hums, letting a few more seconds of silence pass before he speaks. “You don’t need to apologize. This is bigger than you. I’m just not sure if I’m enough to help you beat it.”
Chapter Twenty Two
The alcohol courses through my bloodstream as the walls shake from the music. My body sways to the beat, moving rhythmically against Holden. His hands are on my waist as he holds me close to him.
“I’m going to miss you.” He mumbles as he kisses my neck.
“No.” I shush him. “No talking about that.”
He chuckles, sliding his hands down until his thumbs rest just inside my pant line. I roll my eyes playfully as I grab his hands and pull him into the kitchen. He comes willingly.
“Kayleigh!” Jason mocks. “What have you done to my boy?!”
“What do you mean?” I question.
“I mean he’s following you around like a lost puppy.”
I’m about to deny it when Holden nuzzles into my neck. I smile, turning my head to look at him.
“Kiss me.” He pouts. I coo and place a kiss on his puckered lips.
“What can I say? He’s a… clingy drunk.” I tell Jason.
Lately, Holden and I haven’t been able to keep our hands off each other. Tomorrow, we’re both leaving for winter break and we’ll be spending the next ten days apart. Needless to say, we’re both dreading it.
I kiss Holden a couple more times before telling him I’ll be right back. He nods, promising he’ll stay right where he is. He’s been doing his best to show me that I can trust him, and I’ve been loving every minute of it.
As I head back to the bathroom, I see a girl standing unnecessarily close to him. She’s giggling and placing her hand on his arm. I can feel myself growing angry. I can’t walk away for five minutes without someone trying to make a move on him.
“How about we get out of here?” I hear her say as soon as I’m within earshot.
“No thanks. I’m having fun.” He answers, trying to let her down easy.
She steps closer, hooking her fingers through his belt loops. “We could have more fun upstairs.”
Holden places his cup down on the counter before grabbing her wrists. He removes her hands from him and places them back down at her side.
“I’m not interested.”
She clearly doesn’t like that answer because she crosses her arms and gives him a dirty look. “Why the hell not? Am I not pretty enough for you?”
I stay back, incredibly curious to hear his answer. “I’m with someone.”
“Who? Kayleigh Jacobs? Everyone knows you two aren’t serious. Besides, you can do better.”
I’m about to step in and say something, when Holden slams his hand down on the countertop. “Kayleigh is ten times the woman you’ll ever be. She’s my best friend and every single girl at this school pales in comparison to her. So, if you’re going to talk shit about her, you can just get the fuck out right now.”
Everyone around them has gone silent, watching the confrontation unfold. She opens and closes her mouth, as if she’s trying to think of what to say. Finally, her eyes land on me. I raise my eyebrows, causing her to roll her eyes and leave the room.
“Damn, dude.” Jason quips. “Look at you, being all protective.”
“Fucking bitch.” Holden murmurs, picking his cup back up and chugging his beer.
I walk over and place my hands on his chest. He jumps slightly but calms when he realizes it’s me. I slide my hands up until they’re on the back of his neck. Once I have a good grip, I pull him down and kiss him passionately – putting all my feelings into the way my lips move against his.
A few of the guys hoot and praise Holden, causing the two of us to laugh. I open my eyes to see Holden with his fist in the air. I roll my eyes playfully and lightly smack his stomach.
God, I’m going to miss him.
HOLDEN AND I STAND in the middle of the busy airport. His arms are wrapped around me while I burrow my face into his hoodie. He kisses the top of my head – once, twice, three times.
“You’re going to miss your flight.” He murmurs.
“That’s fine.”
He chuckles, placing his hands on my arms and taking a step back. “Hey.” He bends down to make me look at him. “It’s only ten days, yeah? It’ll be over before we know it.”
I nod sadly, only feeling the slightest bit happy when he caves and hugs me again.
A few minutes and a countless number of kisses later, the two of us split – each going to our terminals. Holden’s flight is only twenty minutes after mine, but his is headed to New Jersey while mine is going to Rhode Island.
I make it to the plane just in time for boarding. After showing my ticket to the attendant, I walk down the jet way. I can’t help but feel an intense feeling of sadness. Not only do I have to be away from Holden, but I must spend ten days with my mother and her husband. Honestly, Vietnam sounds like a better time.
As soon as I find my seat, I text Holden - letting him know I made it onto the plane. His reply comes instantly.
Holden: Good. I miss you already.
I read the text over and over, loving the way it makes me feel. If someone had told me three months ago that Holden Rivers would have this effect on me, I probably would have punched them in the face. I chuckle softly at the thought of hating him. Now, I’m falling in love with him.
TO SAY CHRISTMAS SUCKED would be a massive understatement. The only thing my mother can talk about is her New Year’s Party. She’s a glorified house wife, so this party and its elite level guest list, are all she cares about.
“Can’t I just go back to school early?” I groan through the phone to Holden.
He laughs. “And spend New Year’s Eve on a plane? No. Absolutely not.”
I pout, even though he can’t see me. “You suck.”
“You lie.”
I roll over on my bed, staring up at the ceiling as I listen to him breathe into the phone. The growing silence only reminds me of how far apart we are.
“I miss you.” I say sadly.
He sighs. “I miss you too. Only four more days. We’re almost there.”
“Kayleigh! Let’s go! We’re leaving!” My mother yells from the bottom of the stairs. I roll my eyes, flipping her off through the door.
“I have to go. Satan and I are going shopping.”
Holden chuckles. “Okay, have fun.”
I promise him that I’ll text him and hang up, making my way downstairs. Ignoring my mother’s glare, I get into the car and distract myself with my phone.
“Who do you keep talking to?” She questions, glancing over at what I’m doing.
“No one.”
She gives me a pointed look. “Well, it’s definitely not no one. You’ve been constantly on your phone since you got here.” I shrug. “Is it that boy?”
“What boy?”
“The one you stole from Brianna.”
I scoff. “I didn’t steal anyone. They were broken up. Besides, Bree and I are fine now.”
“Well, that’s good. I’d hate to see you throw away a friendship for some boy.”
I look up from my phone, feeling frustrated. “Look, I don’t tell you how to live your life so don’t pretend you know how I should live mine.”
She exhales, shaking her head but refraining from saying anything else. I’m grateful for the silence. My mother has always been an obnoxious mix of intrusive and absent – calling to tell me what friends I shouldn’t be around while going on vacations to Barbados and leaving me with the nanny. For that reason, she’s probably the last person I would take advice from.
THE BLACK SPARKLY DRESS clings to the shape of my body, making me feel insanely self-conscious. However, being home has made it easier to restrict calories – so I’ve lost a few pounds.
I stand in the living room, listening to the pianist play and smiling politely when some of my mother’s friends say hello. My anxiety is sky high tonight and I’m just in an overall bad mood. It could be due to my required attendance at this stupid party, but I’m sure not being able to talk to Holden all day hasn’t helped.
“There’s someone at the door for you.” John, my step-father, says lowly into my ear.
I look at him confused, but go over to the front door anyway. As I turn the corner, my heart stops and my breath hitches. Holden.
“What are you doing here?!” I question, walking quickly toward him.
He wraps his arms around me, hugging me tightly. “Well, they say how you spend New Year’s is how you’re going to spend the rest of the year, so I figured I’d come to you.” He looks down at my dress. “And I’m so glad I did.”
I shake my head, still not believing he’s really here. “How did you get here?! What about your flight?!”
“A really expensive Uber, curtesy of my mom, and I changed it. We fly back together.”
“You’re crazy.” I say through a giggle as I stretch on my tippy toes to kiss him.
Someone from behind me clears their throat, interrupting our kiss. I take my time in pulling away, knowing exactly who it is. Sure enough, my mother is giving me a judgmental look.
“Mom, this is Holden. Holden, my mom.”
“It’s nice to meet you, Mrs. Jacobs.” He says, reaching out to shake her hand.
She exchanges the handshake hesitantly. “It’s Hartman.”
“Hartman.” He corrects. “Sorry. Kayleigh hasn’t told me much about her home life.”
“I’m not surprised.” She murmurs, raising her eyebrows at me. “It’s very nice of you to stop by young man, but this is a private party. I’m afraid I’ll have to ask you to leave.”
“Mom!” I whisper-shout. Is she serious?!
“O-oh.” Holden replies, taken back. “I’m so sorry.”
“Jess.” My step-father warns. “Leave the poor boy alone.”
“Honey, it’s a private event.”
“And he’s Kayleigh’s friend. This is her house too, and if she wants him here, then he’s more than welcome to be here.”
My mother looks back at the two of us before reluctantly nodding and walking away. I quietly thank my step father, smiling as he winks at me.
“I’m John.” He puts his hand out.
“Holden. It’s nice to meet you, sir.” He replies, shaking it eagerly.
“You as well. I trust you’re taking good care of my daughter up in Maine?”
“Absolutely. I wouldn’t dream of anything less.”
