Jagged Harts, page 29
Bree comes into view looking absolutely furious. She screams at me, asking how could I. Shit, I am thinking the same fucking thing right now, but Dax in the video has zero reaction, he just stares at her. Bree rips the bracelet that I gave her for Christmas off her wrist and throws it at my chest.
Then she takes a breath and says, “You said that I could trust you. You said that you wouldn’t crush me. But no one has ever hurt me like you just did, not even him. Don’t ever come near me again.”
The venom and raw pain in her words literally knocks me on my ass. I almost fall off the barstool before I bury my fingers deep into my hair and pull fucking hard. What the fuck! This cannot be happening. This has to be a prank or something.
As I am trying to run through plausible scenarios in my head, Marcus comes up next to me and sets Bree’s bracelet down on the bar top before clapping my shoulder. He shakes his head as he looks at me, disgust plainly written across his face.
“I will always love you, but I am so disappointed in you.”
He walks away and heads back to his office, his door shutting with a solid thud.
Well, no hangover cure needed. I am fucking stone cold sober. I sit there in fucking shock for another moment before I jump into action. I have to see her. I need to explain that I don’t remember any of that. That it wasn’t me, that’s not who I am anymore. I would never do anything to hurt her, especially not something so publicly humiliating. She is my fucking world. I can’t lose her. I fucking can’t.
I jump in my car and break every traffic law to get to her as fast as possible. When I get to campus, I race up to her dorm room and pound my fist against the door almost desperately until it finally opens. Only it isn’t Bree that opens the door.
Cole steps through the door and shuts it behind him before crossing his arms over his fucking shirtless chest. What the ever-loving fuck is this little shit doing in my woman’s bedroom half naked? I clench my fists into balls at my sides, channeling all of my self-restraint so that I don’t knock him the fuck out right now.
Focus, Dax. Bree.
“What the fuck are you doing here?” I ask in my most threatening tone.
I’ve got to hand it to him. His face stays completely unfazed by the impending threat of my fists. Either he is really fucking brave or really fucking stupid.
“I could ask you the same thing,” he scoffs.
“I am her boyfriend,” I snap back.
I am fucking seething now. This piece of shit clearly spent the night with Aubrey. If they did anything more than sleep, I will fucking tear him to shreds.
He lets out a humorless chuckle as he shakes his head.
“Not after last night you aren’t.”
His words shake off some of my rage for a moment and I remember that I am the one who fucked up here. I came to beg for fucking forgiveness, not start a fight with Cole Simmons. I have way more important shit to do. Images of the video from last night flicker through my head, instantly filling me with remorse and disgust in myself.
“I don’t remember anything from last night. I wasn’t in my right mind,” I mumble even though I sure as fuck don’t owe him an explanation.
“Clearly,” he replies sharply.
Alright, I am officially fucking done with him. I go to move around him so that I can talk to Bree, but he blocks my path. I cock my head to the side to figure out if Cole is really stupid enough to pick a fight with me. Is he for real?
“You aren’t going in there. She is asleep, finally. After spending the first half of the night sobbing and second half of the night numbly staring at a blank wall because of how badly you destroyed her.”
His words gut me. To think that Bree was hurting so bad, and I wasn’t there. No, worse. To know that she was hurting so bad because of me slices me fucking deep. How could I have allowed something so awful to happen and ruin the best thing that I have ever had in my whole fucking life?
“You need to leave her alone, Dax. You and I both know that she is tough as nails. She can take practically anything that is thrown at her and keep on moving, but this?” He shakes his head solemnly. “It will take a while for her to recover from this, and you have to fucking let her. Do the right thing and let her go. You were never good enough for her anyways and you sure as hell proved that last night.”
Instead of getting angry at his words, I lower my head in defeat. Fuck if he isn’t right. I fucking blew it. I broke an already broken girl. I’ve never fucking deserved her. She is too good for anyone in this life. She is a dark jagged beautiful angel. Despite the fucking shit life that she has led she has a heart of fucking gold. And I fucked it all up.
I turn around slowly as I make my way back down the hallway. Before I round the corner I look over my shoulder at Cole.
“You don’t deserve her either,” I say hoarsely, emotion catching in my throat.
He nods and shrugs.
“Probably not. But I am a hell of a lot better for her than you.”
He’s right. I fucking hate his guts, but he is right. I was the first person that Aubrey ever trusted with her heart, and I stomped on it right in front of her. Fuck. I still don’t get it. I don’t even like Julie. I haven’t found a single woman attractive since I met Aubrey, it’s always been her. If I didn’t see the video for myself, I would tell you that I would never have done that, no matter how drunk I was. But the evidence is out there for everyone to see how I carelessly threw away my entire fucking future.
I decide to blow off classes today before I get in my car and just drive. I start to head home but it only reminds me of all the times that Aubrey and I spent together there or about how I was trying to get her to move in just yesterday. I just can’t go back there right now. I could go to the gym and train for a while, but I really don’t fucking want to be around anyone. Besides, what if she shows up? Despite my earlier plan to beg for her forgiveness and apologize, I’m not really sure that I could face her. Cole was right. I have to let her heal. I have to let her get over the hurt that I caused.
I drive until I find myself at the all too familiar cemetery up the road from my house. I blow out a ragged breath and walk up to my mom’s grave. Slowly, I slump down to the ground as I take a seat before I put my head in my hands.
“Hey ma,” I rasp softly. “I am sure you already know, but I fucked up. I lost her. I need her so fucking bad, but even I know that I don’t deserve her.”
CHAPTER
THIRTY-NINE
AUBREY
I wake up late in the day, my eyes puffy and throat dry. Hours of constant crying will do that to you, I guess. I blink blearily when I hear a voice come from a few feet away.
“Hey, how are you feeling?”
Cole is standing in front of me with a coffee outstretched in one hand and a bag of something delicious smelling in the other. I sit up and accept the coffee as he sits next to me.
“So, I guess since you are here it means that all of that really happened last night?” I ask quietly, staring at the floor.
Cole grimaces and squeezes my knee in answer. I let out a choppy breath before I shake my head, physically shoving all of the pain and hurt down.
“It’s okay, Cole. I’m fine. I get knocked down. I get back up. I guess I was just surprised. But I am good. I’m over it.”
He gives me a dubious look and his voice is surprisingly curt.
“Darlin’, stop. I don’t know who you are trying to convince, but you are definitely not good and it’s okay to not be. I know you have been strong your whole life but in this one moment you don’t have to be, lean on me. Let yourself fall apart. I will catch you every time.”
Slowly, I lean up and move until I am curled up in his lap, straddling him as I bury my face into his neck.
“You were right, he broke my heart,” I murmur.
Cole pulls me back and looks at me, his sapphire eyes swimming with so much emotion as what looks like pain flashes across his face.
“I wish I wasn’t. I would do anything in the world to take away this hurt,” he says almost desperately.
I nod sadly before shrugging.
“I guess the egg is on my face in the end though, huh? I am sure everyone is talking about what an idiot I am.”
“No. You are not the one in the wrong here, darlin’. He fucked up. He is the fucking loser here. Not you. You are-you are fucking perfection,” he whispers softly before he slowly leans forward brushing his lips against mine.
When I don’t pull away he deepens the kiss before he takes hold of my face gently, bringing me closer to him. I move my lips against his and can’t help but compare. There is no spark like with Dax, it doesn’t make me feel like my heart is going to beat out of my chest. I don’t feel like this is the end of life as I know it. But look where all of that got me. Maybe I was never in love with Dax. Maybe we just shared wild passionate crazy lust. Regardless of whatever we had, I want absolutely no part of it ever again.
The next several weeks go by pretty fucking painfully. There are times that are harder than others, but I try to bury it all. Despite my best efforts though, I still find myself laying in bed late at night thinking of him, of all the memories and promises that we shared. Then I remember what bullshit they all were, and I cry my fucking eyes out. Even though I would never admit that to anyone.
Cole has stayed glued to my side ever since that night and I am really grateful for the distraction that he provides. We haven’t done anything other than hold hands and the occasional soft peck here or there. I think that he is letting me process things before he tries to be anything more than friends, and with our history, that is probably for the best. As much as I would love to make him happy and give myself fully to him, I just don’t think I ever could. I thought I would be over Dax by now, but he occupies my mind almost constantly.
I haven’t seen him since that night. Cole told me he tried to come see me the morning after, but he turned him away. I was in no shape to see Dax at the time, and I am thankful for Cole doing that. Honestly though, I am surprised he gave me up so easily. I figured he would have thrown himself at my feet and said all of the cliché bullshit about how it was just a mistake or a lapse of judgment. That it would never happen again, and how he only loves me. But instead, I got nothing. Maybe he was done with whatever little game he was playing with me, and this was the easiest way for him to duck out. I guess I never really knew the real him.
It has now been 52 days since we broke up and the big title fight is tomorrow. Obviously, me knowing exactly how many days it has been and what is going on in his life proves that I am definitely not over him. Maybe I am destined to be hung up on the asshole forever.
I am meeting Cole for lunch at Kramer’s after classes today. It has become a regular thing for us over the last few weeks. Unfortunately, my appetite hasn’t been up to much lately.
When I step inside the shop, I see that Cole is already seated with a big smile on his face as he sees me walk in.
“Hey!” He says enthusiastically, jumping up from his seat before kissing me on the cheek.
“Hey,” I reply with a smile, trying so fucking hard to show people that I am okay on the outside.
We both get some ice cream and mindlessly chat for a little before the mood suddenly changes.
“So, darlin’, I actually wanted to talk to you,” Cole says while reaching out and grabbing one of my hands. His thumb lightly strokes the back of it as he does. I look up to him and see that there is a seriousness behind his eyes.
“How are you doing?” he asks tentatively.
I screw on my smile as I nod.
“I am doing a lot better.” I continue nodding before I add on, “I am good,” just to really sell it.
How am I supposed to tell him that I feel like I am walking around without a heart because Dax played hackey sack with it before tossing it in the trash?
Cole sighs heavily as he shakes his head.
“You’re not. I know you, Aubrey. We are best friends. I have learned your tells by now and you are lying. So how are you really?”
My façade cracks slightly at him calling me on my bullshit and my smile drops until it vanishes completely.
“I wish I was better,” I say honestly.
He nods, worrying his bottom lip between his teeth before he looks up.
“You are never going to get over him, are you? You are never going to love me like you love him.”
He phrases the latter more like a statement than a question, like he already knows the answer.
“I wish I could,” I say under my breath.
“You are going to take him back, aren’t you?
I just shrug.
“He doesn’t even want me back, so it’s irrelevant either way.”
I don’t know if I would take Dax back if he asked. Could I really hold my own self-worth so low to allow someone who hurt me, slaughtered me, back in for seconds? But if life continues like this without him, do I even have a choice?
“If he asked, would you be with him again? Would anything stop you from being with him?”
I can tell that Cole is asking for his own sake and I can’t blame him. He is scared that if we ever got together, and Dax came back asking for another chance that I would drop him and run to Dax. And I can’t in good conscious ease his fear because I don’t know what I would do. My silence must speak for itself because he nods to himself as if finally understanding that there will never be an us.
“I know I said it before, but you have to know that if you give him your heart again he is going to break it.”
I sigh knowing the truth in his words now more than ever. Shrugging softly, I tilt my head slightly.
“Maybe, but it’s his to break.”
Cole winces slightly. I can tell that my words hurt him and I fucking hate myself for that. But I have been lying to myself and everyone else, pretending that I am not still in love with Dax, and I hate myself for that just as much.
“I love you, Aubrey. I think I always will,” he says earnestly.
The finality of his tone makes this feel like goodbye. I wish it didn’t have to be this way but for both of our sakes, it is probably best. I squeeze his hand and give him a sad smile.
“I wish I could love you the way you love me, more than anything.”
He seems to take a small amount of comfort in that. He stands up, places a kiss on the top of my head and walks out of the shop. I know that us stopping whatever weird limbo thing we have been in is for the best, but as I glance around the empty ice cream shop, the cold sets in and I have never felt so fucking alone.
Kayla texted me a few hours later and said that she was coming over. We spent the night watching bad horror movies and eating junk food while we talked about Cole and Dax. She agreed that Cole and I parting ways was in the best interest of both of us but as far as Dax goes she didn’t really have much opinion. She told me that I needed to listen to my heart. I told her that I couldn’t do that because my heart has proven herself to be a traitorous bitch.
In the morning, we are woken up by a hard knock on the door.
“If it isn’t Channing Tatum, don’t answer it,” Kayla murmurs with her head still buried into the pillow.
I let out a laugh and get out of bed as I walk over to answer the door. I am absolutely shocked to see Chase standing in the hallway with a sullen expression.
“Chase?” I ask confused. “What do you want?” My tone turns hard so fast that he actually grimaces from the intensity that it holds.
He can’t seriously think that I have forgotten about all the times that he has treated me like shit, right?
“Hey, Aubrey,” he says, scratching the back of his neck awkwardly. “Uh, can I come in?”
“No,” I reply instantly before I slam the door in his face.
Un-fucking-believable. He knocks again and when I don’t answer he starts talking through the door.
“Aubrey, please. I need to talk to you. It’s about Dax. I-I, shit. I fucked up.”
That gets my attention. I reluctantly open the door, narrowing my eyes on the piece of shit.
Talk,” I grit out as I cross my arms defensively across my chest.
Chase brushes past me and steps into my room where a groggy Kayla sits up, looking at our intruder with the same amount of venom that I am. Girl power.
“I fucked up,” he says again. I raise an eyebrow, prompting him to continue. “I don’t like you. That hasn’t been a secret.” I scoff at that. “I thought that you were just a phase for Dax, a challenge and then he would move on. But he didn’t, and then I thought maybe he just forgot what else was out there. I missed my best friend. He never hung out with anyone but you and when he did all he did was text you or talk about you.”
Oh, I get it. So, not only was he embarrassed that a woman took him to the ground in front of all of his buddies, but he was also jealous that his best friend didn’t want to stay attached at his hip all the time. How fucking pathetic.
“How did you fuck up?” I ask, hoping to skip to the fucking point.
Chase grimaces as he wipes a hand down his face.
“I slipped a ton of E into his beer and then had Julie come on to him. It was supposed to relax him so that he would just go with the flow. I must have given him too much because he was a fucking zombie. He couldn’t speak, couldn’t stand. His uncle and I had to put him in the breakroom to sleep it off at the end of the night because he didn’t think that he could carry him up the stairs at home. Dax had no idea what he was doing and if you look close enough at the video you can see that he wasn’t even engaging with Julie. It was more like he was just sitting there unable to move.”
I stand there for a moment absorbing all of this information before I erupt.
“You drugged him!”
Before he can respond, I swing back and punch him across the face making him drop to the ground cradling his jaw as he continues.
“He is completely miserable without you,” he says from the floor, watching me carefully like he expects me to attack him again. Not the worst idea. “He won’t eat, won’t sleep, won’t even hardly leave his house. He doesn’t even lay in his bed anymore. He insists on sleeping on the couch in the garage. Says it is the only thing that still smells like you. Cameron called me this morning and told me that Dax looks like shit and can barely stand up straight. He has run himself into the ground and now there is no way he will even be able to fight, let alone win. It will all be over in two seconds.”
