Lucky In Love, page 13
While I had traveled the ups and downs of my own emotional rollercoaster, Noah had stood by, listening. Realizing that he had trapped himself in the darkness and deemed himself helpless by not announcing his presence immediately, he waged war within himself, fighting the urge to run in and comfort me at the sound of my painful sobs and despairing words. On several occasions, he took a few steps toward the living room before quickly retracing his steps and rebounding to the safety of the shadows that were keeping him hidden.
Still standing, I bent down and reached for the urn. Carefully, I lifted it and began talking to it again, this time, my arms were stretched out holding Grandma Pearl at what I considered to have been eye level.
“You know, Noah told me he loved me. He actually said those words. He was drunk, so I'm sure it didn't count, but he said it anyway. For a moment, I let myself think that it was true...but it wasn't. Now, he hardly even talks to me.”
Feeling a sudden sense of detachment from all that had happened, and the creeping exhaustion from allowing all of those emotions to have their turn with me, I slowly walked over to the mantle and returned the urn to its usual resting spot. “I wish he'd never said it at all. I mean, Jason is my oldest friend, but Noah is my closest. I feel like he really sees me, like he knows me better than anyone else in the world and now....I just really miss him.”
Once more the tears had begun to trickle down my cheeks, only this time, they were much more subdued than they had been before and easier to control. With a sense of finality I lifted my hand to my face and wiped the tears away for what I promised myself would be the last time that night.
“Enough now. It's going to get better. It has to. I deserve better. I was born...Lucky.” It was more of a whisper than anything, but it didn’t matter how quietly I had said the words. Inside me they had resounded loudly and with great significance.
Meanwhile, Noah had inched himself closer and closer. He was moments from revealing himself, when panic set in once more and he recoiled to the kitchen. Angry with himself, he braced himself on the kitchen counter and silently cursed himself for acting the way that he had. Then, without allowing for another moment of hesitation, he turned himself around and forged ahead into the living room. He was too late. The room was empty.
Staring around the room and the surrounding darkness in disbelief, Noah’s heart sank even further as he heard my bedroom door shut from up the stairs. He stood there alone for a long time. It wasn’t until he heard the sound of slamming car doors and Gabe and Janette’s voices approaching the front door that he quietly retreated to his own room.
Chapter 17
New Dawn
The following morning I awoke with an overwhelming emptiness within me. It wasn’t so much a bad empty, as it was the kind you would likely experience after an emotional breakdown like the one I had endured the night before. Now all of the pent up feelings I had been hiding from the world, as well as myself, had been replaced with an exciting sensation indicating a clean slate. I had reached the beginning of a new cycle in my life and I was ready to get on with it, even if I hadn’t figured out just where I was headed yet.
With my newfound optimism, I sat up in bed and stretched my body as far as it would go, not failing to see the symbolism in what I was asking of my physical body, as well as my spiritual self. I smiled to myself as I stood up, knowing that whatever was waiting for me outside of my bedroom would be welcomed by a new and fresh perspective. A perspective that wasn’t looking for ways that the situation could hurt me, but instead ways that it could help me get to where I wanted to go. Where that might be, I was eager to find out.
After a nice, long, leisurely shower, I spent an even longer time in front of my closet trying to decide what the new me would wear. Somehow the prospect of a style makeover made the transition to the me I wanted to become, all the more exciting. I tried on multiple variations of outfits I had already worn a million times before, settling on a pair of fitted black pants and flowy red top. The day before, I would have felt way too dressed up in this ensemble, but today it seemed perfect. The way those pants fit my lower body, reminded me of how much taking up running had done for me. The blouse was pretty and feminine and I felt altogether confident at the sight of myself in the mirror. Then, I took it all a step further by passing on my worn out flats and choosing a pair of black heels that Tara had talked me into buying months ago. I hadn’t had the guts to wear them ‘til now. I also opted to let my long hair air dry, causing it to be wavy and slightly messy, which was very unlike the straight blow dry I usually went with. I felt rebellious and bold, as I stepped out of my room and into the hall and took my first steps towards my new life.
Once downstairs, I carefully examined the kitchen for something to eat, and still feeling rather ambitious, I attempted to make a breakfast frittata, which truthfully looked disgusting, but tasted delicious. I had already finished off half of it and had settled into drinking my coffee and reading the paper (another new thing I was trying out) when I heard Gabe and Janette come down the stairs. A moment later, they were in the kitchen.
“What happened to you last night?” Gabe asked, with a somewhat accusing tone of voice.
I looked up from my paper and shrugged.
“Nothing. Why?”
“Where did you disappear to? We came back to the table when the music slowed down and you were gone. So was Noah. You guys didn't have another fight or something did you?” His tone had shifted from accusatory to concern.
“Uh-uh. I just came home and went to bed. I was exhausted. I'm old now. I can't party like you young kids anymore.” I grinned, hoping my lighthearted approach would keep Gabe from pushing the issue any further. It worked, if only to lead Janette off topic.
“Oh come on, you are not old,” she said, in what was no doubt meant to be a comforting tone, but instead came across as rather condescending.
“I don't know...if you're reading the paper now, you might be old.” Gabe never saw any reason to sugar coat things. Still shaking his head at me, he walked over to the coffeemaker and poured Janette and himself a cup. Then, he handed one of the mugs to Janette before they sat down at the table beside me.
“I just like the cartoons in the back....anyway, Jason reads the paper every morning! Do you think he's old?” I asked Gabe with my eyebrows raised, daring him to give me the wrong answer.
“Yes,” he replied simply without giving it a second thought.
“We are the same age!” I yelled outraged, slapping him on the head with my paper.
“Huh...I always forget that,” he replied, sounding just the slightest bit apologetic.
Eager to turn the conversation back to a place where it included her, Janette loudly cleared her throat and said, “Well, since you are all old and wise now, maybe Gabe will listen to you.” She was looking straight at me.
“Listen to me about what?” I asked, almost afraid to hear the answer.
“Janette wants me to move to New York, so we can finally be together,” Gabe blurted out, not sounding at all enthused at the prospect of moving.
“Oh.”
“It just makes sense that he come there,” Janette continued, “I mean, I have my career and I can't just leave. Since Gabe's been out of school, he's just kind of been bouncing from job to job. I think he could have some real opportunities in New York, that he hasn't had here.” She had started incorporating her hands while making her argument, using them to point back and forth and then indicating how very little Gabe had going for him by waving one of them very dismissively, as she spoke about his lack of direction in the way of a career.
The old me wanted to jump down her throat for even suggesting these things, but the new me, the me that was looking for change, started to see the possibilities Janette was referring to.
Standing by my new convictions, I nodded my head in agreement with what she had been saying.
“The girl makes a lot of sense. Maybe it is time for you to move on.” Then, feeling as though it may have sounded as though I was eager to be rid of him, I added, “Even though I'd hate to see you leave.”
Gabe slumped back into his chair looking defeated, while Janette was beginning to look downright giddy.
“I was afraid you'd say that,” he sighed as he took a long sip of his coffee to avoid making eye contact with either of us.
“Don't you want us to be together, Baby? And besides, every time you come to visit, you tell me how much you like the city. I already have a place, so you just have to pack your clothes and come!” Janette was trying her best to make it sound enticing.
Gabe set down his mug on the table and looked at Janette. He could see the excitement building in her eyes. Something about it must have been contagious, because the next thing any of us knew, a smile had spread across his face as well.
“Ok...I give in. Let's do it,” he agreed, clapping his hands together loudly.
“Really?” Janette looked like she was about explode, she was so pleased. Gabe nodded.
“Yes, get ready to have me around 24/7!” he said smiling, but I thought I had heard just the slightest bit of a threatening undertone. If it was real, Janette didn’t hear it. She was already out of her seat and jumping up and down.
“Yay!!” she squeaked, as she rushed over to give him a hug, while I watched the scene before me, a bittersweet smile on my face.
Change is good, I reminded myself silently. Out loud I said, “I'm happy for you two! This is going to be really good!” I tried my best to sound as though I believed it already, but the truth was, I was still working on that.
Thrilled to have had my support, Janette let go of Gabe and came whirling back in my direction with outstretched arms, which she quickly flung around my neck in a tight embrace.
“Thank you!” she exclaimed. Then, just as fast as she had grabbed a hold of me, she let go again and turned her direction back on Gabe.
“Ok, let’s go upstairs!” she said sounding suddenly serious.
“Alright!” Gabe responded with a grin, having completely misinterpreted her meaning.
“Not for that! We need to start going through your stuff and figure out what you're taking and what you're getting rid of.”
Before he could object, she had already grabbed Gabe’s hand and was beginning to drag him out of the kitchen and towards the stairs.
“Wait...what I'm getting rid of? Why am I getting rid of stuff??” he asked, sounding both confused and panicked.
Janette stopped for a moment and turned to look at him.
“It's the beginning of a new chapter in our lives Gabe! You have to be practical, you don't want to clutter our future with the crap from your past, do you?” While she had phrased it as a question, Gabe was quite certain there was a demand of sorts hidden in her reasoning.
“No...I guess not…” He answered slowly, wondering just what he was agreeing to now.
Satisfied with his response, Janette went back into motion, fully focused on the task at hand. Unable to put up a fight, Gabe followed her up the stairs to his room and the belongings he would soon be parting with.
Left behind in the kitchen alone with my paper and coffee, I began to review the scene that had just played out before me. I was certain that if I looked at it closely, I could gather some sort of a sign to guide me on my next move in my new direction. After a moment, I realized it was staring me right in the face.
I stood up from the table and walked into the living room. Once in there, I made my way over to the small desk in the corner. Inside the top drawer was where I kept my old address book, something I was frequently mocked for in the digital age of endless possibilities for storing such information, but was quite grateful to have at that very moment, as I pulled it out and began to flip through the pages. When I found what I was looking for, I sat down in the chair in front of me and reached for the phone. I hesitated for a moment, then gave myself a determined nod and dialed the number. It rang a few times and for a second, I considered hanging up and counting it as a valid effort, but before I had chance to act on it, I heard a voice on the other end saying,
“Hello?”
“Hi, Amber. How are you? Listen, is that offer you made me a while back, still good? Really? That would be amazing! Yes, I think the timing is finally right.” The conversation continued on for over an hour as we discussed details and various possibilities for making this huge transition. When we ended things, I slowly put down the phone and waited to see how I would react to what I had just done.
Just like that, the new me had taken life and was headed in a new direction. The change had begun and I could suddenly feel the same excitement wash over me, that I had seen spread through Janette just moments before. This was going to be exactly what I was looking for. I was sure of it, since I had just figured out what that was.
***
Tara was the first to find out about the decision I had made that morning, and the major change I was planning to make for myself. It had been the only thing on my mind since making that phone call and I was eager to tell someone. Only, that turned out to be more difficult than anticipated. When I arrived at school that morning, I went straight to Tara’s class room expecting to find her there preparing for her first period class, but when I got there, the room was still dark and empty. I began to make my way towards the teacher’s lounge, when I passed Jason’s class and found it to be in the same state. Naturally, I had to assume that wherever they were, they were together and most likely hadn’t even arrived on the school grounds yet. Disappointed, I wandered back to my class and got started with work.
It wasn’t until lunch break that I finally tracked her down. She had been in the cafeteria keeping Jason company, since he was having his turn at supervising the students while on their break. It wasn’t easy, but I was eventually able to pry her from his side and convince her to join me in the teacher’s lounge, where I immediately told her everything that had been on my mind since I had woken up that morning. The words just flew out of my mouth, one after the other, as I told her about my sudden epiphany and my need for change. Then, I told her just what kind of change I had in mind. I told her about Gabe and New York and how that had prompted me to call Amber, an old teacher friend, we had both worked with for several years. The same Amber who had left our school to accept a better position at a private school in Idaho. Idaho. It sounded like another world to me, and that was exciting all in itself. As well as the prospect of teaching at a new school, a private school with more funds, which translated into better books and more possibilities for teaching, and in my case, a better salary. Amber had offered me a job shortly after she left, and I had finally accepted it.
Tara took in all of the information without saying an actual word, her face, however, spoke volumes. She had gone from initial curiosity, which briefly shifted to concern and sincere interest, but quickly changed to happy, before finally settling on shocked, as she sat in front of me with her eyes wide and her jaw so far down, it was nearly touching her chest. Having run out of things to say, I unwrapped my sandwich and began to eat, while I waited for Tara’s thoughts to catch up with her mouth.
“I can't believe you're going to leave us!” Tara’s mouth was still open, but at least she seemed to be able to move it again.
“I know” I replied, trying to swallow, “But, it's such a great opportunity and I really think it's time I make some changes in my life.”
“But, why do they have to be such big changes? I'm going to miss you so much!” Tara frowned as she reached into her bag to pull out her own lunch. She had a small salad and was further disappointed to see that the lettuce had already begun to wilt. Listlessly, she poked it with her fork and took a bite.
“You're not even going to notice that I'm gone,” I said, trying my best to sound convincing. “You are going to be so busy getting a place with Jason and building a home together, it'll be months, before you even notice that I've left! Besides, it's not like we'll never see each other!” I had taken another bite, midsentence and was now mumbling in an effort to avoid spitting crumbs all over Tara. She was still poking her fork around in her salad in an attempt to put together enough pieces of fresh lettuce to produce a whole mouthful.
Without looking up she grumbled, “You better be right.” Then having drawn her own conclusion, she lifted her head and continued rather accusingly, “And I will notice that you've left! Who am I going to have lunch with when you're gone?”
About to shove the final piece of my sandwich into my mouth, I stopped short and looked at her with raised eyebrows.
“Um...Jason maybe...he works here too, you know,” I said using a tone I generally reserved for Gabe whenever he was having one of his ‘dumb jock’ moments.
“Jason better get his pink panties on and learn some girl talk, ‘cause that is the only way it would even be doable!” Tara replied, with her lips twisted into a sour looking pout, trying not to smile at the very image she had just described.
“For you...I bet he'd do it,” I smirked, realizing that I had won her over and that she would support me throughout the next move I made, no matter how big it was.
Chapter 18
Noah’s Secrets
The weeks that followed seemed to fly by. While I made arrangements to meet with realtors and moving companies, Gabe had slowly begun preparing for his move to New York. Meanwhile, Jason was busy house hunting with Tara and spending most of his time at her place, making it apparent that for all intents and purposes, he had already moved out. The only one who seemed to be unaware of everyone’s moving plans, was Noah. Between his schedule and our daytime activities, there just hadn’t been a time to tell him. Realizing that there would be a “For Sale” sign in the front lawn the coming morning, I decided to take a drive up to the bar while Noah was working. I figured after everything, he still deserved to hear it from me face to face, rather than put the pieces together for himself.
