Commitment Collection, page 7
part #1 of Commitment Series
The thought makes me want to detonate all over myself, I suck him back down, gagging as I tease out the orgasm he’s furiously clinging onto.
When he can hold on no longer, he releases a throaty groan and I feel his thick projections fill the back of my throat before sliding down. Grabbing myself with a few sharp pumps, I spurt onto my own stomach.
Elliott
Dinner was burned.
It’s not really a big surprise; it had been almost ready when Kyle arrived and by the time we’d finished getting acquainted, well, the meal was rather well done.
“I’m glad the smoke alarm didn’t go off.” Kyle laughs as I serve up his chargrilled chicken.
“Hopefully you’re not here for the food, anyway. My diet is pretty regimented for most of the year.” My lips quiver upwards, knowing he's not the slightest bit interested in my cooking abilities.
He studies his plate of salad, sweet potato, and blackened chicken and shakes his head. His eyes reflect the upturned corners of his mouth, “Hey, our ingredients are a perfect combination as far as I’m concerned.”
“Glad to hear it!”
We eat and chat, and eat and laugh, and as we’re finishing up, Kyle is telling me all about his strict church upbringing.
“Elliott, you in?” A voice booms in time with a heavy knock on my door.
“Shit!” I say, not because I’m bothered about us being discovered, but because I don’t want to be disturbed. “I’ve got to get it.” I brush my lips against his before I stand.
“Go ahead.” He smiles, pushing his plate to one side and resting back on the seat.
“Trev, hi,” I say as I open the door to reveal one of our top tier engineers.
“Hi, sorry to disturb you but you weren’t answering your phone and I need to run through some stats with you ahead of testing tomorrow. Just make sure we have the numbers tied down, that’s all.”
I resist the urge to sigh, my stomach sinking. “Sure, come in.” This will not be quick.
“Oh, hi Kyle,” Trevor says, swiping a quick glance from me and then back to Elliott. “Am I interrupting?”
‘Of course you’re interrupting, what does it fucking look like?’ “No, of course not. Take a seat.” I gesture with my arm and Kyle slides round to sit next to me on the curved bench that surrounds the small table.
Trevor fumbles with some papers and pulls out what he’s looking for, handing them over to me. He talks. And I listen. It’s not boring, but I am bored. I want him gone. And I feel bad that Kyle has to sit through this. Not because he’s uninterested, he probably gets what’s going on more than most, but because this was supposed to be a night about us.
In the end, when I invited him my text read: ‘Do you want to come to my trailer tonight for some alone time and food?’
We’re about as far removed from my promise right now as we can get.
I rest my palm on his knee and squeeze it, a silent apology that our alone time has been destroyed. Almost immediately his leg shifts out of my reach, his face colors and the alarm in his eyes is tangible as he shoots a questioning glare at me.
If he’d slapped me in the face, it would have stung less. The joy in my heart evaporates as quickly as a puddle in the radiant sun. He’s ashamed to be with me, to be seen with me.
I’ve been here before, rejected by someone I loved. What was I hoping? That he would be different, that we could be different? I trusted Kyle to wash away the hurt of my past and he’s just thrown it back in my face as though I meant nothing to him.
I should have known better.
“I’m sorry Kyle, this is going to take some time. I’ll show you out.” I stand, making way for him to do the same.
As I open the door and lean aside for him to pass, his voice is hushed, “You OK?”
That’s not something I will get into now. “Sure, I’ll see you around.”
Kyle
So I’m out in the cold, in more ways than one. I swear Elliott slammed that door with greater force than necessary. It’s still ringing in my ears. I stare at it, a solid barrier to the warmth I just embraced.
What happened? One minute we were having a get to know you night, let’s be more than just sex evening, and then Trevor shows up to run through performance figures, which I’m perfectly capable of understanding by the way. But then I was abruptly sent out into to the cold.
Well, if that’s how he’s going to behave, I’m better off without him.
I stand outside, still staring, baffled.
It hurts.
He jumped from steaming hot to frozen cold in a matter of seconds. I rerun what happened, trying to grasp what could have prompted such a sudden change in his attitude toward me.
'Sod him!' I think in my very English way. 'He can go and screw himself.' I push the image of him screwing himself, or worse, someone else, not quite as firmly out of my mind as I’d like. The image keeps replaying like a video you can’t get to pause, starting of its own accord, faltering before a brief pause followed by an automatic restart.
My heart is a heavy lead weight dangling in my chest, dragging on my ribs and crushing my lungs. What did I miss? I turn and walk past the trees which only a few hours earlier had appeared so inviting, their leaves representing all the positivity of the first few days of a warmer season. Now, they’re eerie, rustling with the slightest of breezes trickling over them, deafening the silence.
I run the evening over in my mind, hunting for the piece of the puzzle that will help make sense of being thrown out with no promise of being allowed to come back. I’m not ready yet to notice that I shouldn’t be waiting until I’m permitted to return. If this thing between Elliott and me is real, I should be able to stand up to his petulance. But, his behavior is a tad on the unstable side, which is something I wasn’t expecting. Maybe that's why he can risk his life every week in the name of his occupation, because for all his fame and glory, it’s still only a job.
I was getting involved, allowing myself to be swept along, not considering my past or how that could impinge my future. I had no regard for my prospects at all, trusting my heart to guide me in the correct direction. Well, I'll learn from that.
Slamming my hands in the pockets of my jeans, I head to the fire. I'll hang with the others if he doesn't want me. I will not dwell on his irrationality; instead I’ll consider it a learning experience and move on.
After ten minutes of desperate soul searching, I arrive at the outdoor event which is just kicking off and I know I’ve made the right choice. A few are already growing raucous, singing badly to Ryan’s rather poor guitar strumming. Others are segmented off, chatting easily with friends who have developed into a family.
“Looks like I’ve been missing a party.” I amble over to take a seat on an old log next to Jessie and Greg.
“You have.” Jessie pats the log beside her. “Where have you been?”
“Oh, I just had some stuff to do.” My throat is tight, my voice lower than normal, deflated along with the rest of my body.
“You OK hon?” She taps my knee.
The gesture sends me right back to Elliott’s trailer, him tapping my thigh as Trevor labored over figures indicating how the car should handle differently in the final practice tomorrow.
And then it clicks.
That was the trigger. I replay the moment. He patted my knee and the shock that seared through me caused me to shift my position. It wasn’t a reflection on him. It was instinctive.
I’ve not had enough time to get used to us being romantically involved myself yet without also coming out to my new work colleagues.
“Jessie, when you and Elliott were together, did everyone round here know?” I ask.
“Well, we weren’t really together so I’m not sure it’s relevant.”
I ponder this, willing her to disclose more.
She sighs, “Sure, people were aware, but we didn’t have a big coming out party. We just didn’t hide that we were banging. But, that's all it was.” She quirks a knowing eyebrow.
“Hmm.”
“Why? What’s going on with you. You’re different,” she asks when I don’t elaborate.
“Oh nothing.”
It’s her turn to stare me directly in the eyes now. I notice hers for the first time. Large, oval, and chestnut, they’re a bit over-made up for my liking, all black charcoal highlighting, but if you get past that, she has an appealing transparency which draws me in and makes me comfortable.
“OK, so we were having dinner and Trevor showed up with some figures. He wanted to know what Elliott thought of different set ups. That was all fine, in fact I was enjoying the insight into another side of the business. But then Elliott put his hand on my leg and before I knew it, he kicked me out.”
“What do you mean, he kicked you out?”
I explain what happened. She nods slowly as I draw near the end. “Yep, I reckon you hurt his feelings. He’s a sensitive soul you know, and he’ll push you away rather than risk being rejected. I don’t know the ins and outs, but something to do with his past.”
“Oh, shit! I didn’t mean anything, I just shifted my leg that’s all.” I run my hand over the top of my head, a wave of panic rising through me. “I just wasn’t expecting it. This is such a big deal for me, Jessie. It’s all new.”
I stand.
“Where are you going?” She also stands, faces me.
“To tell him.” Isn’t that obvious?
“No, leave him, let him calm down. Anyway, Trevor will still be there. He can go on a bit.”
“Fuck, what did I do?”
“Come, sit, have a few drinks and enjoy the evening. You can speak to him in the morning.”
It doesn’t feel like the right decision, but she knows Elliott better than I do. I plant my ass back on the log and fidget.
Elliott
It’s 5am and we’re testing at 8am. Today is the last day before we go back to the UK and make the final preparations for the first race of the season.
I slept like shit and while normally I’d be eager for this session, it occurs to me for the first time in as long as I can remember that I really do not care one bit about how I look. I pass a comb through my curls, yank my helmet over the mess, and jump onto my motorbike which I use to travel quickly around camp. I arrive at the gym in a matter of minutes.
The gym isn’t fancy, but I like it that way. It’s built out of cinder blocks which are painted white on the inside. It doesn't do much to improve the aesthetics, and it’s cold, especially at this time of day.
I dump my bike, leaving my helmet on the seat. There’s already a light on inside which is unusual. The heavy door creaks under the strain of opening, As I release the handle, it slams behind me, echoing throughout the room.
Kyle looks up from his workbench, and I’m cornered, pride paralyzing any plan I may have made to go for a run instead of coming here this morning.
My heart drums in my ears as I dip my head, remain silent, and stalk toward the stationary cycle to warm up. Adjusting the seat, I jump on just as he materializes beside me.
“Elliott, I want to talk to you.”
“Well, I don’t want to talk to you! Leave me alone so I can work out.” I spit the words at him and kick my legs in vicious loops.
“Stop a second. I’m not sure what happened last night. We were having a nice evening, it was all going well and then, you just kicked me out.”
I ignore him and concentrate on my heart rate. I’m desperate to look at him, but I keep my gaze fixed ahead, my neck stiff. I’m not cycling fast, but my chest is already pumping blood around my body at 150 beats per minute.
“Elliott.” He places his hand on my arm, walks around to the front of the bike. His touch is light, but it still sends spasms through to my legs as my muscles contract at the slightest of contacts. My speed falters as my brain loses control, and my penis betrays me and twitches. ‘Fucking thing.’ I think as I focus my scowl toward the dial on the bike.
“Elliott,” he tries again. “Listen. I didn’t mean to pull away from you. It was an instinct thing.”
“Do you think you’re making things better?” I stop and scream the words into his face.
His chest rises up and down, his Adam’s apple bobs as he swallows. He remains silent. His eyes are wide and dark, imploring me to understand, glittering with a layer of unshed tears.
“I don’t want to hear what you have to say. If it’s natural for you to jump away from my touch, then we’re better off leaving it here.” This whole cycling thing is far too restrictive when he’s in my face. I throw myself off the spin bike and stalk over to the punching bag. Launching the side of my foot against it before I’ve had a chance to climb into my gloves. Pain scorches up my shin and into my hip, I’m not properly warmed up, but the bite feels good.
I half expected Kyle to follow me, but he doesn’t. Instead, he’s hanging around by the bike. I can see him in the mirror, picking at the thread on the seam of the seat.
“You’re fucking infuriating, do you know that?” he shouts after a few seconds, then turns back toward his free weights and continues his workout.
I smash the bag with my right fist, the chain rattling as it bounces backwards and forwards like a metronome, counting a solitary beat of time when everywhere else it has stopped. Even the air in the room doesn’t move.
I viciously attack the heavy sack. Sweat drips down my neck and my dull body wakes, refreshed from being able to find an outlet for the hurt, discharging it into the bag, one solid punch after another. I pant, my heart thundering in my chest. The struggle to catch the basic driving force of life is pushing me to work harder, propelling my body forward. The need to live is giving me the power to drive a rapid pattern into the bag.
Kyle remains silent until I’ve finished my workout, returning to the bench at the other side of the open room, as he lifts weights with a serious amount of heavy grunting. The great thing about being a racing driver is that I've developed amazing peripheral vision. It allows me to enjoy the flex of his muscles under the tension of the weight without him noticing. I take full advantage without the need to release myself from my dour mood.
“Have you calmed down now?” he asks as I bend to pack my bag.
I’m still panting, and I smell massively of B.O. Will nothing put this fucker off? He leans over me, resting against the wall with both hands as I crouch. I don’t lift my head as I speak. “Leave me alone, Kyle. If you’re not in this, it’s better to know now.” I shove my boxing glove under the zip of my duffel bag as I squeeze the material on either side together.
“I am in this. I just wasn’t expecting to be outed before I’ve had a chance to get used to what’s going on myself. That’s all. I’m in this Elliott.”
“Well, I’m not.” I stand, ducking under his arms and head toward the exit.
Kyle
I. Am. Not. Having. This.
Damn cry baby.
I run up behind him and grab the sweaty forearm he’s been pumping. He shakes it, but I’m ready for him and I use his momentum to spin him round on the spot. When his eyes focus on me, they’re smoldering underneath his composed exterior.
“Don’t you ever listen?” he’s shouting.
“Don’t you?” My tone is higher than normal, did those words really just come out of his mouth? The man is an ass.
We stare each other out. I sense a danger zone approaching, the rhythm of my heart has sped up from a combination of frustration and all-consuming attraction.
His long blond eyelashes catch in the strong rays of the morning sun but rather than move away he blinks and raises a hand to shade his gaze. My pants twitch, but this is only slight compared to the magnetic pull between our bodies.
“It was too soon, that’s all. I wasn’t blowing you off. I just didn’t expect it. I was shocked. We hadn't even discussed anything.” My voice is soft, willing him to understand.
His cynical mouth moves as if to say something, but closes again without a sound.
We stand.
Our chests face on, hearts driven by the same pulse.
But, the silence is brutal.
I tip my head, tilt it to the right and place the slightest of kisses against his full lips.
He doesn’t move. He doesn’t respond. And, still, he doesn’t move.
“I want you,” I whisper even though we’re alone. “I want you in my life.”
My dark eyes meet his pale ones, pleading with him for some kind of agreement. Anything.
“I don’t know, Kyle. I think this is too much for you and I’m not about to push you into something because it’s what I need. I can see how coming out wouldn’t be right for you at the moment. And I do see what you’re saying. This is a big decision, a huge event, and we’re only a few weeks in. I probably am pushing you too quickly but that’s only because I want you too. But, we have to be sensible. We’re in different places. I dealt with my sexuality a long time ago and I’ve moved on from that part of my life. I see your perspective and even accept that I was rash in getting you into this and then changing my mind, but the truth is, our needs don’t match up. There is no place in my life for hesitation and second guessing. We should leave this now before we're hurt even deeper.”
His eyes dip and focus on my running shoes. My gaze joins his and I consider for a fleeting second how I should invest in a new pair. Mine are scraggly next to his. And my laces are frayed.
All this runs through my brain at the same time as the bottom falls out of my gut. I don’t scream at him although I know I should be outraged. The arrogant prick enticed me into his gay lair and then dumped me when I didn’t react at warp speed.
But I don’t.
Instead, a pain lances through my chest, my breath catching on its filed edges. I really thought I could deal with this. That he was just being the prima donna racing driver everyone sees in TV interviews when he’s been wronged.
But this is more.
