Smiling Proud Wanderer Vol 02, page 8
“The previous one pulled a long face and didn’t know how to argue that, yet he didn’t want to admit his defeat. After a few moment of dazing, he suddenly broke into loud laughter. ‘That’s it! If he keeps farting and surrounds us with his stinky gas so we couldn’t run away – wouldn’t you call that surrounding?’
“The other four freaks applauded and agreed in laughter, ‘He’s right! This chap surely can surround us.’
“An idea suddenly struck me. Wasting no time, I started running at once while shouting, ‘I…I am surrounding you now.’
“I figured, since they are so afraid of my farts, surely they wouldn’t go after me, but who would have thought that those six freaks had lightning fast speed. Only after a few steps, they had already grabbed hold of me. As soon as they caught me, they pressed down hard with tight grips and forced me to sit on top of a big rock, so that even if I did fart, my stinking gas wouldn’t come out.”
Linghu Chong couldn’t help but burst into loud laughter. Only after a few laughs, he felt great uneasiness from his chest and stopped laughing abruptly.
Tian Boguang went on.
“After those six freaks placed their tight grips on me, one of them asked, ‘Where does one’s gas come from?’
“Another one answered, ‘Gas comes from one’s intestines, then of course it belongs to the Yang-Ming Intestine Channel. I’d better seal his Shang-Yang, He-Gu, Qu-Chi, and Ying-Xiang those Acupoints.’
“Right after those words, he had already sealed those four acupoints with a simple wave. I’ve never seen such lightning fast yet extremely accurate acupoint-sealing techniques. That was something! I couldn’t help but admire him. After he sealed my acupoints, all six freaks let out of a breath of relief as if relieved of a heavy load. They said, ‘This stinking…stinking…stinking fart tank won’t be able to release his stinking gas now.’
“The one who sealed my acupoints asked again, ‘Hey, where on earth is that guy? If you don’t tell us, I’ll never release your sealed acupoints. Think about it, having gas yet not being able to let it out. You are gonna feel really bloated!’
“I thought to myself that when six freaks with such outstanding Kung Fu skills came to Mount Huashan, it’s obvious that they wouldn’t be looking for any ordinary person. Brother Linghu, at that time your respectful Master, Mr. Yue, and his wife weren’t on Mount Huashan. Even if they had come back, then of course they would be back in the ‘House of Integrity’ and would be very easy to locate. I thought about it back and forth and could only come up with one logical answer. Those six freaks must be looking for your Grand Uncle-Master, Grandmaster Feng.”
Linghu Chong felt a shock in his heart. “Did you tell them?” he asked in a hurry.
“Bah! What kind of person do you think I am?” Tian Boguang was very displeased. “I have already promised you that I would never let out Grandmaster Feng’s whereabouts. Are you saying that I, a gallant man, was just talking out of my ass?”
“Pardon me, brother Tian! My bad! Please don’t mind,” Linghu Chong apologized.
“If you still look down upon me, we’d better just sever at one blow – make it a clean break, and starting from now on, we are no friends.”
Linghu Chong remained silent and thought to himself, “You are the evil rapist that everyone in the Martial World holds in contempt. Who would ever consider you a friend? But since you could have killed me multiple times yet you never did, so I guess I do owe you a debt of gratitude.”
In the darkness, Tian Boguang couldn’t get a good look at Linghu Chong’s expression. Assuming that Linghu Chong’s silence meant his compromise, he continued on.
“Those six freaks just kept asking me. I said loudly, ‘I know the whereabouts of this person, but I will never tell. There are countless of peaks and valleys and caves on Mount Huashan. I am not going to tell you, and you will never find him in this life?’
“Those six freaks were enraged. They tormented and tortured me. But I simply ignored them afterwards. Brother Linghu, those six freaks’ Kung Fu skills are very eccentric. You’d better go tell Grandmaster Feng quickly. Even though his sword skills are splendid, it’s still better prepared than getting surprised.”
Tian Boguang mentioned that “The six freaks tormented and tortured me” in a very casual way, but Linghu Chong could easily imagine how much cruel and brutal torments actually were put on him and how much excruciating pain and suffering he had to endure. The six freaks had good intentions when they tried to heal his wounds, and what happened? Even now he was still suffering from the consequence. When they coerced Tian Boguang into telling the answer, it was not hard to imagine how nasty they could be. Feeling quite sorry for Tian Boguang, he said to him.
“You are a true man who keeps his words. You would rather die than let out my Grand Uncle-Master Feng’s whereabouts. But…but those Peach Valley’s Six Fairies were really looking for me, not my Grand Uncle-Master Feng.”
“Looking for you? Why are they looking for you?” Tian Boguang felt a big shock going through his entire body.
“They are just like you and were asked by little apprentice sister Yilin to invite me to go see…see her,” Linghu Chong answered.
That left Tian Boguang completely traumatized. He opened his mouth wide, yet nothing came out of it except deep groans. After a long while, Tian Boguang finally came back to his senses and spoke again.
“If I had known those six freaks were looking for you, I would have told them everything right away. Once those six freaks invite you over, I can just follow behind instead of rotting here on Mount Huashan dying from the poison. Well, if those six freaks got you, how come they didn’t carry you to go see the little Sister?”
“That’s really a long story,” Linghu Chong heaved a deep sigh. “Brother Tian, did you say something about rotting here on Huashan dying from the poison?”
“Didn’t I tell you earlier that someone sealed my Death Acupoints and planted strong poison in my body so he could compel me into inviting you over within one month to meet that little Sister? Only after I completed the mission successfully would he release my acupoints and give me the antidote. But I could neither invite you over, nor take you there by force, and ended up having wounds all over me from the torturing of those six freaks. It’s only like ten days away from the date the poison is scheduled to activate.”
“Where is little apprentice sister Yilin? How many days do you think it will take to get there?” Linghu Chong asked.
“You are willing to go now?” Tian Boguang asked.
“You spared my life on more than one occasion. Although you had many improper behaviors, I can’t just watch you die of poison for my sake right in front of my eyes. On that day when you tried to coerce me into complying, of course I would not bend. But it’s a completely different situation now,” Linghu Chong answered.
“The little Sister is in Shanxi Province. Alas…if we were still fit, it wouldn’t take more than six or seven days to get there on fast horses. But since we are both in such bad shape, forget about that,” Tian Boguang commented.
“I am only waiting for my final time here on Mount Huashan anyway. I’ll go with you. Who knows? Maybe God will give his blessings, so we will be able to hire some fast wagons that will take us into Shanxi Province within ten days,” Linghu Chong suggested.
“I have committed countless crimes in my life and harmed many innocent people. Why would God give me his blessings? Unless God had gone blind.” Tian Boguang grinned.
“Hmm, sometimes…sometimes God…does go blind. We are going to die anyway. There’s nothing to lose for trying it out.”
“That’s right! What’s the difference whether I die on the road or on Mount Huashan?” Tian Boguang applauded. “I think the first thing we need to do is to go down the mountain and find something to eat. Ever since I was dumped here, I could only eat unripe chestnuts off the ground. I am really craving for some decent food. Can you get up? Let me give you a hand.”
He offered to “give a hand,” yet couldn’t even get up himself. Linghu Chong wanted to give him a prop, but didn’t have any strength either. The two of them struggled for a while but achieved no progress whatsoever. Suddenly, both of them burst into loud laughter.
“I’ve been wandering in the Martial World for years, yet to find any bosom friend. But today I get to die here together with brother Linghu. What a joy it is!” Tian Boguang said.
“Later when my Master sees our corpses, he probably would assume that the two of us have ended in a common ruin after a fierce fight. Who would have guessed that we were still calling each other brothers before we kicked the bucket?” Linghu Chong let out a grin.
Tian Boguang reached out with his hand. “Brother Linghu, let’s shake hands before we die.”
Linghu Chong hesitated. Obviously Tian Boguang wanted to be intimate friends with him and share a common destiny. But Tian was the notorious evil rapist, and he was the disciple of a reputable sword school. How could he make friends with someone like Tian? That day when he beat Tian several times in the contests and spared his life each time, he could still attribute that to the fact that Tian spared his life multiple times first. But to still mangle up with him today really couldn’t be justified at all. With those thoughts, he reached out with his hand but stopped half way.
Tian Boguang only thought that Linghu Chong’s wounds were too severe that he simply didn’t have enough strength to move his arm. So he said loudly, “Brother Linghu, you are my intimate friend now. If you die because of your wounds before I die, I swear that I will not stay living alone.”
Touched by the sincerity in Tian Boguang’s words, Linghu Chong thought, “He surely deserves to be called a true friend.” So he reached out with his hands and held Tian’s right hand. “Brother Tian, at least we won’t be heading to the underworld alone and die a lonely death,” Linghu Chong said with a smile.
Before his words even faded, he suddenly heard a gloomy sneer rise from behind his back. Then a voice said, “Who would have expected the Head Apprentice of the Huashan Sword School Qi-Branch to have sunk so low and made friends with a notorious evil rapist?”
“Who are you?” Tian Boguang yelled out.
Linghu Chong couldn’t help but groan inwardly, “It’s no big deal that I am gonna die from my severe wounds, but now I’ve just put Master’s reputation in jeopardy. How terrible!”
In the darkness, he could vaguely see a shadow standing next to him with a long sword in his hand. The blade flashed dimly from the starlight.
“Linghu Chong, it’s still not too late to take back what you said. Take this sword and waste that Tian-named evil rapist, then nobody will condemn you for making friends with him,” the shadow said with a sneer as he threw his sword down, which cut into the ground and stood by its own.
Linghu Chong noticed that the blade of the sword was wide and broad – it was the type of sword used by the Songshan Sword School. So he asked,
“Which respectful member of the Songshan Sword School are you?”
“You surely have sharp eyes. I am Di Xiu from Songshan Sword School,” the man answered.
“So it’s apprentice brother Di. We haven’t had much chance to get to know each other. What respectful business are you tending here on Mount Huashan?” Linghu Chong asked.
“Head Uncle-Master9 gave me the order to come to Mount Huashan and go on a trip of inspection to check if apprentices of the Huashan Sword School are really having bad conducts as the rumor says. Ha-ha, I didn’t expect to hear you speak straight from the heart about making friends with that evil rapist, right after I climb up Mount Huashan. I didn’t see that coming at all!” Di Xiu answered.
“You god damned punk, you think your Songshan Sword School is any better? Why don’t you go check on your own ill behavior before poking your nose into other people’s business?” Tian Boguang cursed.
Di Xiu raised his foot and threw a heavy kick at Tian Boguang’s head. “Humph, your end is imminent and you still won’t shut your dirty mouth?” he yelled. But Tian Boguang kept pouring out streams of abuses non-stop. It would have been a walkover if Di Xiu had wanted to kill Tian Boguang, but he decided to give Linghu Chong a good amount of humiliation first.
“Linghu Chong,” he sneered, “since the two of you find each other’s stinks congenial, I suppose you’ve made up your mind not to kill him?”
Linghu Chong was furious. He yelled loudly, “Whether I kill him or not, it’s none of your business. Give me the deathblow if you’ve got any guts. If you have no guts, then get your tail between your legs and get your ass off Mount Huashan.”
“So you are sure you won’t kill him, and would rather consider that evil rapist your good friend?” Di Xiu asked.
“No matter who I have as my friend, it beats having you as a friend,” Linghu Chong answered.
“Right on! Way to go!” Tian Boguang cheered loudly.
“You just want to enrage me and provoke me into killing the two of you with a single blow. It’s not going to be that easy. I am going to strip off your clothes and tie you two together naked. Then I’ll seal your Mute Acupoint10 and put on a tour of display around the Martial World. I’ll tell everyone that I caught a macho guy and a sissy boy right when they were doing their illicit dirty stuff. Ha-ha, your Master Yue Buqun of the Huashan Sword School always pretends benevolence and righteousness, and puts on a face of a Confucian moralist to fool people. After today, would he still dare to call himself ‘Gentleman Sword’?”
These words made Linghu Chong’s anger explode, which knocked him out cold.
“Go to hell you….” Tian Boguang cursed, but his voice halted abruptly when Di Xiu sealed his acupoint around his waist with a swift kick.
With an evil grin on his face, Di Xiu reached out to start untying Linghu Chong’s robe. Suddenly, a soft and brisk female voice rose behind his back.
“Hello, big brother, what are you doing here?”
In great surprise, Di Xiu turned his head around for a glance. In the dim light he could vaguely make out the shape of a woman. So he responded, “What are you doing here?’
Tian Boguang immediately recognized the girl’s voice. It was none other than Yilin’s voice. With a tremendous amount of joy, he shouted.
“Little…little Sister, it’s you! That’s wonderful. This god damned rat wants to…wants to kill your big brother Linghu.”
He was going to say, “This god damned rat wants to kill me.” But then a quick thought came upon him: Yilin wouldn’t care about the “me” much at all. So he quickly changed that to “your big brother Linghu.”
Hearing that the man lying on the ground was actually Linghu Chong, Yilin was greatly worried. Wasting no time, she leapt forward and called out, “Big brother Linghu, is that you?”
Noticing how preoccupied Yilin was and how she put on no guard against him, Di Xiu bent his arm slightly and jabbed toward her acupoint under her rib cage with his index finger. His finger was just about to touch her clothes when suddenly his back collar tightened up as someone lifted him several feet off the ground. Terrified, Di Xiu elbowed back with his right arm, but it hit nothing. He immediately followed with a back kick using his left foot, but it hit nothing either. Horrified, he grabbed back with his hands when a huge hand came to his throat with a tight grip. Instantly, he could hardly breathe and lost all his strength to struggle.
By the time Linghu Chong slowly regained his consciousness, the first thing he noticed was a girl’s worried voice calling out, “Big brother Linghu! Big brother Linghu!” It sounded vaguely like the voice of Yilin. He opened his eyes, and sure enough, under the dim starlight, the pretty white face right in front of his eyes was no other than Yilin’s.
A thundering voice suddenly exploded, “Lin’er,11 is this cripple the Linghu Chong you have mentioned?”
Linghu Chong looked up toward the origin of the voice, and what he saw shocked him. A chubby and enormous giant monk stood there, more like an iron tower than a human. The monk was at least seven feet tall. He extended his left arm out horizontally and lifted Di Xiu off the ground. Di Xiu’s arms hang still by his side. It was hard to tell if he was still breathing or not.
“Dad, he…he is big brother Linghu. But he is not a cripple,” Yilin said. She never took her eyes off Linghu Chong when she spoke and her eyes were filled with care, concern, and affection. It almost looked as if she really wanted to reach out to caress Linghu Chong’s face but was afraid to do it.
Linghu Chong was astounded. He couldn’t help but think to himself, “You are a little nun. How come you are calling this giant monk Dad? A monk having a daughter is already shocking, now when his daughter is actually a nun is simply appalling!”
The giant monk let out some more thunder-like laughter. “You yearned for this Linghu Chong days and nights. I thought he must be a bulky and heroic looking guy. It turned out he’s just a tiny loser who couldn’t even fight back when bullied and had to pretend to be dead on the ground. What a cripple! I’d never want him as my son-in-law. Forget about him. Let’s go.”
“Who said I yearned for him days and nights?” Yilin rebuked him in great embarrassment. “You…you always like to talk nonsense. If you want to go, you can go by yourself. You don’t want…want….” She simply couldn’t repeat the words “don’t want him as son-in-law.”
Hearing that this monk had referred to him again and again as a “cripple” and a “loser,” Linghu Chong became furious. “Go as you wish! Who asked you to stay?” he scorned.
“You can’t go! You can’t go!” Tian Boguang shouted in worry.
“Why can’t he go?” Linghu Chong asked.
“I need him to release my Death Acupoints. I also need his antidotes for the strong poison planted in me. If he leaves, I am dead and gone!” Tian Boguang said.
“Are you afraid now? I said that I’d die together with you, didn’t I. Once your poison activates, I’ll just cut my own throat to go along with you.”
