Memories of Santorini, page 22
As her mother relived the decision she’d made, Sienna saw her strength in a way she never had. “Why didn’t you go back? In fact, why did you leave him at all? You could have sent your family an email, a text, called them, anything.”
Her mother laughed without humor. “Because it’s the kind of thing you tell people face to face. We didn’t have Skype or FaceTime or Zoom. And I didn’t want to start my new life being the weak person I’d always been.”
What was so bad about a phone call? Sienna didn’t get it. But she let her mother go on.
“Xandros and I agreed we’d meet each other at a special café on Santorini one year from the day I left. It was a kind of test for ourselves, to make sure what we felt was real. I already knew I’d never feel that way about Donald and that I couldn’t marry him.” She reached down to take Sienna’s hand, squeezing her fingers as if they were family instead of strangers.
“But the fear settled in as soon as I got back. My mother was so busy making wedding plans. I should never have gone home first. I should’ve gone straight to Donald and called off the wedding. And then—” She shrugged. “—I figured out I was pregnant. It must’ve happened so fast on Santorini.”
Sienna couldn’t help herself, as cruel as it was, as unfeeling, as horrible. “So you shacked up with your tour guide the first night?”
Her mother closed her eyes, breathed in and out as she absorbed the blow. Then she looked at Sienna with such sadness and pain that it cracked the wall Sienna had built.
“It might seem like that,” her mother said. “Not exactly the first night, but there was an immediate connection. I just knew. And he knew. And when it happened, it was the most beautiful night of my life.” She held Sienna’s gaze. “I’m never leaving him again.”
Yet she was on a flight back home, and that man was still on Santorini. Yet Sienna knew what her mother meant, and the words stole her breath. “He feels the same?”
Her mother nodded. “I never felt that way about Donald. I never stopped feeling that way about Xandros. But when I found out I was pregnant with you, all my terrible fears came back. I listened to my mother tell me he was a beach bum, and there was absolutely no way he was going to want a baby, and the best thing to do was let Donald think you were his.”
Sienna recoiled. “And now you’re blaming Nonni?”
Her mother shook her head. “I’m not blaming her. She thought she was doing the best thing. I blame myself for being so weak.”
“But you both cooked up this lie for my father.” Really, what else was she going to call Donald Walker? He’d been her father for thirty years. She couldn’t shake that off so easily, even if she was angry with him.
“That’s exactly what I did,” her mother admitted solemnly. “I duped him. And I’ve been paying for that lie ever since. Now I’ve made you pay as well. And I am so, so sorry.”
“Why didn’t you just get an abortion?”
The gasp out of her mother’s mouth drew stares from all directions. The horror in her eyes was unmistakable. “I wanted you with all my heart.”
Did that actually make a difference? Sienna didn’t know what to think, what to say. How did you live with a thirty-year-old lie? How could she ever forgive that lie? “You’ve stolen my father. He and I have our issues, absolutely, but now I have no one.”
Her mother had the gall to say, “You have me. You have Aunt Teresa and Matthew, your cousins, your uncle, Nonni and Poppa. You have so much. All you’re losing is Donald.”
She said it as if Donald Walker meant nothing.
“He figured it out when I had that fall, didn’t he?”
“Yes.”
“They needed blood, and he didn’t match.”
Her mother nodded.
“That’s what Carter thought. Because everything changed after that.”
“That’s when I ruined your life. He punished me, but he also punished you. And he’s still threatening to tell you and Matthew. I wanted you to come with me on this trip so I could tell you first, before he told you in some horrible way.”
“But you never banked on Xandros showing up again.”
She shook her head. “I never dreamed of that.”
“But you must have seen every single day how much I look like him.”
“I did. And I saw how Donald always made you feel unwanted. I will live with the pain of that forever. And yet it made you the strong woman you are, a woman who knows her own mind and what she wants to do.”
“Strong?” Sienna laughed. “Every day I’m second best.”
Her mother rubbed her palm around Sienna’s fisted hand. “You’re the strongest woman I know. You’ve done so much. Look at all the elderly people who depend on you to make their golden years the best they can be.”
“But I’ve never been strong enough to let a man into my life. I’ve been afraid of relationships.”
Her mother wagged her head sadly. “I’m to blame for that. But I look at you and Carter, and I know you have the strength to let him in if you really want to.”
Did she have the strength? Sienna wasn’t sure. She’d push him away eventually, the way she’d always done. Afraid he’d leave her, she’d leave him first.
“He won’t let you push him away.”
Suddenly, as if someone had slapped her face without warning, she couldn’t take anymore. She couldn’t let her mother spin this fairytale of who she thought Sienna was. “You don’t know me at all.” That was partly her fault, but her mother’s lie had started it all. “I’ve listened to your story, your explanation, but it doesn’t change anything. I am who I am, and you are who you are, and Donald Walker isn’t my father. It doesn’t change my life. But at least I know. And you’re free. He can’t hold anything over you anymore. Except Matthew. Do you want me to tell him for you?”
It was a stab, she knew, and she wanted to hurt her mother, as terrible as that was. She wanted her mother to feel the same pain she did.
Yet all Mother did was shake her head. “It’s my duty to tell him.”
“Good. Let me know as soon as you have. When he needs a shoulder to cry on, I’ll be there for him.” It was another cruel jab, and she actually hated herself for it. But she didn’t take it back. “Now, I’m going back to Carter. I need to think this through. Please don’t bother me for the rest of the flight.” She almost added, and never bother me again.
But even in this mood, she couldn’t be that brutal.
Maybe it was because her mother had said she’d wanted Sienna with all her heart.
24
It seemed so natural to lay in Carter’s arms after making love. He’d taken her home with him after the plane landed. His apartment was minimalist, although his TV, stereo, and computers were all state of the art. His bedroom was manly, with a big wood headboard and a walk-in closet that was less than half full. Carter wasn’t a clotheshorse.
“I’m glad you listened to her.” He didn’t need to say he was referring to her mother. “Now that you’ve had time to think about it, how do you feel?”
Sienna had half the flight and the rest of the evening to think about it. But she’d made love with Carter instead. “I don’t know how I feel. I may never know.” She tipped her head on his shoulder. “I need to talk to my father.”
Carter raised an eyebrow, and she knew what he meant.
“I’m not suddenly going to call him Donald,” she said. “He’s always been my father.” Despite the crap he’d pulled over the last few months. She’d told Carter everything, from how much she cared about Bron and the baby to how her dad tried to cut her out of the wedding to his sabotage of the Smithfield and Vine job the first time around. She knew in her gut that those actions supported what her mother had said, that her father was controlling and threatening, that he’d emotionally blackmailed her.
But Sienna wanted his side of the story. “I need to know how he’s felt all these years.”
Carter kissed the top of her head. “I’m not going into the office till Wednesday. I’ll come with you for support.”
Her heart lurched. Carter was so good, but she had so much baggage. “I don’t deserve someone like you,” she whispered.
He hugged her tight. “You deserve the best of everything.”
She drank in the feeling of those words. Refusing to let her go home alone after the tumultuous trip, he’d prepared a delicious dinner of chicken cacciatore. Afterward, he’d made love to her until she felt weak and sated. He was so good to her.
She didn’t know how she could have thought he was a lazy loser. Carter was amazing. He was smart, funny, and caring. He was the best thing that had ever happened to her. But no matter what he said, she wasn’t sure she deserved this kind of happiness.
Not that deserve mattered. She needed him.
She stroked his chin with gentle fingers. “Can you wait outside while I talk to him? I have to do this alone. But I’m going to need you when I’m done.”
He held her tight. “I’ll be wherever you need me to be. For as long as you want me.”
She was afraid she would need him forever.
Though her confession to Sienna had gutted her, Angela could wallow in the pain until she’d told Matthew.
The day after her return from Santorini, she made a lunch date with her son. Though she hadn’t been able to tell Sienna before she figured out the truth, she wanted Matthew to hear it from her.
They’d never been close. He never called her on a whim, never invited her to lunch, had never even shown her his condo in the city. But he didn’t turn down today’s invitation.
She’d chosen a posh restaurant in the city frequented by executives entertaining investors, with white tablecloths, quiet conversation, and floor-to-ceiling windows providing an amazing view of the bay. Matthew approached the table wearing an expensive pinstripe suit. He was only twenty-eight, but he looked every bit the confident businessman. Her heart melted for him, and because he, like Sienna, would probably never want to see her again.
She couldn’t let that stop her.
He bent to give her cheek a perfunctory kiss, like he always did.
“You look wonderful, darling.” She tried to sound as if she hadn’t a care in the world.
“Santorini seems to have suited you.” He reached out, but didn’t touch her, taking the seat opposite. “You got a lot of nice sun.” He didn’t mention that she was back early. He probably wasn’t aware when she and Sienna would return.
The waiter took their orders, and once he was gone, she didn’t see any reason for idle chitchat. “I have to tell you something. I should have told you a long time ago.”
Matthew smiled easily. “You’re going to tell me that Sienna is only my half sister, not my full sister, right?”
If a person’s jaw could actually drop, hers did. A rush of blood went straight to her head, making her dizzy. “Did Sienna already talk to you?”
He laughed softly. “She didn’t have to. I’ve known for years. Does this mean you’ve finally told her?”
Angela could only nod. She’d had a speech prepared, but now it took her long moments to reply. “She guessed while we were on Santorini. But how do you know?”
“Dad told me when I was like…” He raised his gaze to the ceiling. “Thirteen.”
Her head pounded as if someone had taken a jackhammer to it. “He told you when you were thirteen?” She couldn’t keep the horror out of her voice.
Somehow, despite everything, Matthew’s eyes softened. “He wanted me to know that I was his son and Sienna was your daughter and that I would always be the special one. I suppose he believed that would endear him to me. He probably thought I’d rush to tell Sienna so I could have one up on her. I never did. It was my secret. And I already knew—” He shrugged indifferently. “—that Sienna was your favorite.”
Her heart ached. “I don’t have a favorite. I love you both with all my heart.”
“But you knew Sienna needed you more because Dad was such an ass to her.”
She was shocked. She hadn’t thought Matthew, just a child, would have characterized Donald’s behavior that way.
As if he could read the look on her face, he said, “She was always more delicate. When Dad told me, I sort of understood why you had to coddle her. I suppose I felt some resentment, but…” He shrugged as if it no longer mattered, though she knew it must.
“You shouldn’t have had to deal it. You were only thirteen. I wish you’d come to me.” She couldn’t stop herself from reaching across to curl her fingers around his. And he let her. “I’m so sorry. I had no idea you knew or how you felt. I always thought I treated you exactly the same.”
His voice was soothing. “It’s not that I thought you didn’t love me. Just that Sienna took precedence.” His eyes crinkled with a smile. “When Dad told me, it all finally made perfect sense.”
“But we’ve always been distant with each other, haven’t we?” She had to say it aloud.
“I guess. I couldn’t tell you what I knew. And I wouldn’t tell Sienna. It’s hard to be close when you have a big secret, especially with Dad hovering, waiting for the explosion. And he was grooming me for the business right from the beginning. It made me feel special. He always wanted to do everything with me and not Sienna, taking me on school trips, teaching me how to play golf. I just figured I belonged to him and Sienna belonged to you. So yeah, I never felt close to you.” He shook his head regretfully. “A couple of months ago, Sienna said something about me holding a grudge. But I don’t. And I don’t hate you. We’re just not close.” He shrugged. “But that’s okay. I don’t mind.”
She started to cry. She hadn’t meant to. No matter what Matthew’s reaction was, she’d told herself she would remain stoic. She’d stand by him and be whatever he needed her to be. But knowing he’d had the truth all along, that he’d been such a grown-up about it even at thirteen, made her face that she was as guilty for the distance between them as Donald was. “I really thought I was doing my best for you.”
“You did what you had to do. And I’m fine.” He didn’t even seem hurt by it. He didn’t seem to have much feeling about it at all.
But while he said the words that absolved her, she still had so much to make up for.
“I didn’t take care of you,” she said. “I was so concerned about Sienna’s feelings that I never realized how much I wasn’t giving you.” She wiped her eyes.
“Please don’t cry, Mom. I never intended to make you feel bad. I should have let you tell me and pretend I didn’t know.”
A sob welled up. She only held it back by grabbing a tissue and blowing her nose. “My God, you don’t have to apologize for anything. Your father and I are the ones to blame. We let our mistakes affect both of you in terrible ways.”
“You can stop feeling bad, Mom. I’m totally fine.” He nodded his head as if none of it was a big deal. “And Sienna will be fine too.” When he smiled, he looked like Teresa. She’d always thought he was the image of Donald, but his smile was pure Teresa. Maybe that meant it was also purely her.
“I’ll be honest,” he went on. “I love Sienna, even if she’s only my half sister, but the truth is I don’t want to fight her to be head of the company. With his marriage and the new baby coming, I can see Dad stepping away. And I want more responsibility. I want to be a full partner.” His words were harsh, almost callous, and yet there was nothing heartless in her son’s eyes. It was simple practicality.
“And you’re saying don’t rock the boat.”
He wagged his finger at her. “I’m saying he’s controlling and autocratic and manipulative. But if you accept that about him, you can figure out how to work around it. He trusts me. He lets me do pretty much whatever I want. And I really like what I’m doing.” He must have seen something on her face because he added softly, “But I’m not like him. I don’t treat people like crap. I don’t manipulate them or try to control them. I have a knack for getting people to see things my way. Fear doesn’t work. Dad never learned that, but I have.”
Her heart felt close to bursting. “You are so amazing. Exactly the man I always knew you’d grow up to be. And I love you so much. I’m sorry if you ever thought Sienna was my favorite. I want us to be a family. Can we do that?”
He smiled, but he didn’t touch her. “We’ve always been a family, even if we don’t act like it. I’m not a demonstrative person. Ask my girlfriend.”
She wanted to weep again for everything they’d missed. “I didn’t even know you had a girlfriend.”
“She’s pretty important to me. Would you like to meet her sometime?”
“You’re going to make me cry again,” she whispered.
“For the record, I’m sorry too. I never made an effort, since you obviously thought I’d cut you out of my life. Even Sienna thought I was holding a grudge. I never meant to be that way. I’m just busy and I don’t pay attention to all that stuff.”
She should have talked to him years ago. She’d decided he hated her—or maybe Donald had made her believe that—and she’d never confronted the situation. By letting fear dictate her actions for so long, she’d missed years of getting to know her son.
She wasn’t unrealistic, however. This reconciliation was too easy. She had more work to do, and they might never have the closeness she craved. But this was a start.
She pushed out of her chair, rushed around the table, and held Matthew in her arms.
He was one of the best gifts she’d ever had.
It was a sunny day in San Francisco, but Carter rubbed his hands up and down Sienna’s arms as if it was cold and foggy.
“I’ll wait for you in the café over there.” He pointed across Market Street. “Call me if you need me. And I’ll be there in a second.”
Then he held her face in his big, comforting hands and kissed her until she knew she’d have to stop in the restroom to fix her lipstick. She smiled and wiped the smudges off his mouth. “Thank you,” she whispered.
