Inevitable, page 15
“Did I ever tell you,” I began, unsure of where I was going, “why I chose to come find you in the first place?”
“No,” he shook his head, gazing at me curiously. I swallowed, hesitant about how he would interpret what I’d felt about him.
“It’s amazing to me that a species can exist with so much self-directed malice, cruelty, and deceit. So to see someone do something that was so entirely selfless and giving, the ultimate act of self-sacrifice, it was just so tragically rare that I couldn’t help but feel you deserved something for it.”
I couldn’t even look him in the eyes as I spoke. These were things that were supposed to be kept secret, but now that I was just like Nathan, I had to be able to trust him with them.
“And it looks like I got you,” he mused, but it struck a painful chord within me.
“What a great gift I was, wasn’t I?” I rued. “Nothing has turned out the way I’d intended it, and that was before my wings were clipped and I lost myself inside these blue eyes. I’d meant to make you happy, Nathan, but instead I just filled you with heartache and confusion. You deserve something much better for your sacrifice.”
Nathan appeared slightly uncomfortable. Maybe it was talking about his feelings for me before he’d even shared them. I didn’t know what I was saying, and even this felt like it was becoming a disaster. How come I could never come up with the right thing to say?
“It’s strange being judged for something you haven’t even done yet,” he said, filling the pause. “How do I know I really deserve it? How do you know that person who’ll do those things is really me?”
There was a hint of pain in his eyes then, and I felt terrible for bringing it out of him with all of this serious talk. Still, I had to appreciate how brave he was being about the whole thing. We’d practically finished our lunches, but I couldn’t get up without trying to do something to make it clear why I’d done it.
“That’s your heart, Nathan, the one thing that makes you different. It’s what gives you a beauty inside that radiates out in everything you do. You are so fiercely giving that you’ll do anything you can to take care of the people you love. In case you haven’t figured it out yet, she’s trying to protect you just as fiercely. Now it’s just a matter of who will win out.”
“So you really think I’ll go through with it?” he asked, looking at me solemnly.
“You’ll do what you think is right,” I concluded.
Even though the girls at the other table were still gawking at him, at least I’d said something to him that was real. It was strange to know him in a way that he couldn’t even know himself, but I had to refuse to give him the answers when he asked me what he would do. No one would be able to answer that question except for himself when the time came.
We headed for the 4-H section of the fairgrounds next, and soon we were strolling through barns full of animals. There were so many of them, and they were all so big. The cows and horses intimidated me, and I could hardly get near them. I was worrying that we’d be better off leaving and going back to the games until I saw some animals that weren’t so threatening.
A flock of rambunctious baby ducks scampered about a fenced-in area of grass. These little yellow puff balls were running around, crashing into each other, and the whole thing was hopelessly adorable.
“Aww,” I cooed, wanting to reach down and touch one. Before I knew what was going on, Nathan had bought some food, and the owner was opening a small gate to let us in.
“Am I really going to get to go in there?” I asked. It was so exciting seeing all of these beautiful little creatures happily hunting around their den. Nathan handed me some of the little food pellets and I crouched down to let them nibble.
“Are you hungry?” I asked, still a little nervous about the clamoring ducklings. I had my arm way out, afraid to have them too close. All of a sudden, Nathan knocked me onto my side and before I could say “Hey!” he’d thrown the rest of the pellets on me, leaving me completely at the mercy of the fearless baby ducks. They climbed all over me, searching through my clothes and my hair for their food. Nathan was laughing uncontrollably, and I was practically squealing as I felt them wriggling all over me. Pretty soon I was laughing too, and I carefully sat up, carrying ducks on my head, shoulders, and in my hands.
I loved it, and I just looked at Nathan, unable to believe that he could know that doing such a thing would turn out to be so amazing.
“You’d better watch your back now,” I warned, but it’s hard to have a stern face when you’re smiling from ear to ear.
“You don’t want me to go back teasing now, do you?” he chuckled.
After that, I was much less scared of the animals. Going back through, we got to milk the cows, ride the horses, and feed other animals, like goats and llamas. It was surprising how long gone my bad mood was or my hesitation about the fair. Suddenly, everything looked like it was so much fun, and I had Nathan to thank for it.
We spent hours with the animals, and even some of the rides were much better the second time around. Nathan and I ran through the house of mirrors, collided in the bumper cars, and played a few more games. Soon I had a goldfish in a little plastic bag to go with my teddy bear.
The day wore on, and I started to become deathly afraid that it would come to an end. The sun was starting to set, and I kept casting worried glances at Nathan, expecting him to say at any moment that we should get back to the car and head home for the night. The air was still so warm though, and the lights in the early evening were even more dazzling.
“We don’t have to go, do we?” I asked, looking up at him right by my side.
“Did you want to go?” he asked.
“No!” I burst, and he had to laugh.
“Ok then. It’s good I have one more thing in mind.”
There was a long line to get into the Ferris wheel, which meant Nathan wasn’t nearly the only one to entertain such an idea. But I didn’t have any idea what the big deal was until we gradually plodded our way to the front and climbed in the tiny enclosed car. I sat on the cool metal seat and peeked through the grated windows to the rides on the other side. It got my attention though when Nathan sat next to me, our hips just touching.
It was cool, but having Nathan right by my side did something to me I couldn’t explain. The door closed, and we felt the pod jerk as it rotated along with the giant wheel. It stopped after just a moment to allow the next people to get on. That’s when I noticed how Nathan was gazing at me. He seemed so comfortable looking at me, as if it were the most natural thing in the world. His eyelids were lowered just a tiny bit and his cheeks were raised as if his eyes were smiling.
I couldn’t say what he saw in me that interested him so much, to be honest. And actually, the thought of it made me sad. I’d been acting terrible lately, and worst of all to Nathan today. I felt like I was wilting under his eyes, as if his vision could expose me for the sorry little being I was. Altogether, I felt so vulnerable and fragile.
“Nathan, I don’t know what I’m supposed to do,” I confessed, unable to even look at him.
“It’s a ride. You’re just supposed to let it spin around and enjoy it as much as possible until it comes to an end,” he said.
“I was talking about my life,” I clarified.
“So was I,” he nodded. A strand of hair fell in front of my eyes, blocking him from view, but he brushed it away, letting his finger caress the side of my head. “You have to do what we all do, just try our best to figure things out even though we have no idea what we’re doing here. You just have to build, bit by bit, a life that makes you happy and reflects what you care about. Do you think you can do that?”
I nodded reluctantly, not knowing what else to do. The Ferris wheel was spinning, bringing us closer to the top.
“This must seem so pathetic and childish to you, having to show me around and look after me all the time.” I feared he would agree with me, and so I shyly glanced at him to see how he would react. Holding my breath, I waited for him to answer.
“Isn’t that the exact same thing you did for me? That’s what being alive is about, looking after each other and helping when things are hard. If you just keep fighting though, things’ll get better. You’ve got to believe in it. No, I wouldn’t say this is at all unpleasant,” he smiled, looking out over the fairgrounds and then turning back toward me. “Actually, it’s pretty romantic.”
I’d felt better that he wasn’t looking down on me, but I still couldn’t believe what he’d said about where we were now.
“What’s romantic about it?” I asked. He lightly pressed his fingers against the far side of my face so he could look me directly in the eyes. I was suddenly nervous, anxious, and fearful all at the same time about what he would do. Everything about him was so gentle and inviting, and I just wanted to curl up against him.
“What’s romantic about being with you here alone, high in the air above everything else? You, a girl who sacrificed everything she was to help make things better for me, and did so spectacularly as though she weren’t even trying. I told you once that you were all I had to go on, but that makes it sound like I didn’t have much. Really, you’re everything that keeps me going, and that’s a whole lot more than I ever dreamed possible. I’d have to be made of stone not to find anything romantic in that.”
“Oh, Nathan,” I gasped, completely blown away. I couldn’t believe he had said that to me. Where could he have hidden those feelings? Whatever beautiful girl was reflected in his eyes, that’s who I wanted to be.
His hand was still on the side of my face, warmly holding me. He brought it to the back of my neck, making me crane my head as he leaned closer. My heart was beating out of my chest, and he’d taken my breath away long before I felt the soft press of his lips against mine. The feeling reverberated through me like ripples in a pond, echoing an electrical bliss all the way into my fingers and toes.
Overcome by the beauty of something so passionate and fulfilling, I kissed him back, bringing my hands to his handsome face and pulling him closer to me. I lost myself in the rush of feeling and barely even noticed it when he’d forced me back against the wall. His fingers were sliding up my thigh. I got lost in the feeling of his lips, and for a moment I thought I’d disappeared. How is it possible to transmit so much feeling through a kiss? All of those emotions he’d kept bottled up inside flowed forth from his lips, making my heart tingle with bliss.
When Nathan drifted away, and our sticky lips reluctantly parted, the look in his eyes had a feeling in them that I could trace back for as long as I’ve known him. It was there when we were lying in a big pile of leaves, when we were standing on the top of the hill in the moonlight, when we were dancing to beautiful music during an elegant ball, and when we were running through the streets for our lives. It was love, and it had always been there, just waiting for me to accept it.
There was something else on his face that had been there for a time and I had yet to realize it too. A big blue glow lit up his face on one side, and I turned my head to see the fireworks going off in the distance. They seemed so close I wanted to reach out and touch them. Glancing back, I saw Nathan was grinning. How clever was he to plan this all out?
“Happy Fourth of July,” he said, and I echoed it back as I drifted into his arms.
Chapter 10
That kiss stayed with me in a way I could’ve never expected. It was always there in my mind, hanging just behind my eyes in that little place where you store your dreams. And, for a time, it was the rose petals that conceal all thorns, giving life to my days when I had every reason for despair.
Nathan and I had never been happier, and whether it was whispers down the hall or barely concealed flirting during meals, we loved every minute of the time we spent together. His spirits were weightless, and I admired him for it. Better still, I was able to embody the kind of lighthearted feeling that breed a thousand smiles on long summer nights. We had the present, and that was more than enough for us.
Even though that kiss did more to make me feel like I belonged in this world than anything else that had happened to me, Cammie seemed more uncomfortable than ever. Trying to divide her mind between saving her brother and winning the state science championships had nearly cleaved her in two. But at least the time for her to face one of those challenges had come.
There was barely enough room in the back of Nathan’s truck for all of the equipment for Cammie’s experiment. She’d used enough bubble wrap on the Hofmann Voltameter that it would survive if we’d thrown it out of a plane, but that didn’t calm her at all. Then there were a host of other gadgets and pieces that I couldn’t have explained if I’d wanted to.
We’d packed it all away and climbed in the truck to leave just as the sun came up. It would take hours for Cammie to prepare everything at the civic center where the championships were being held, and it was all for just a five-minute presentation when the judges arrived at her booth.
Cammie squeezed between Nathan and I in the truck. She fidgeted and twitched, hardly able to keep her hands still. Her face was so pale it seemed as though she stared into the face of death.
“Keep breathing, Cammie,” Nathan said as we drove through the empty early-morning streets. “There’s nothing to worry about.”
“Are you kidding me? There’s never been a repeat champion before! They’re going to be extra tough on me,” she stammered.
“Is your machine going to work?” I asked her, raising my eyebrow.
“I think so. I mean, I’ve tested it. But what if something happens? What if something goes wrong?” she squeaked.
It was funny watching this thin little girl twist herself into knots over something I used to be able to do without even thinking. Nathan and I glanced at each other across her, trying to keep our amusement subtle.
“You should’ve seen her at the competition last year,” Nathan began. “She almost passed out in the middle of her presentation. Her experiment had to do with the use of anesthetics, and I think half the crowd thought she’d actually used them on herself. She still managed to win though.”
“That’s amazing!” I said. Cammie really was a genius, and right now it seemed like she was my only shot at finding a way back home. But now thinking of home filled me with a different kind of regret. If I left, I’d be leaving Nathan behind, and I wasn’t sure I could do that.
The city’s civic center was a huge concrete edifice towering over the other nearby buildings. Even though it was early, there were plenty of other vehicles depositing equally hopeful young scholars to the venue. Very indiscreetly, Cammie tried to sneak a peek at the other students’ equipment as we ferried hers into the convention hall. Students and their parents were the only ones around at the moment. The crowds would come later for the presentations, including Gladys and Cammie’s friends.
Once we’d checked in and been appointed a booth, Cammie started to unpack her equipment. She wouldn’t let us touch anything, though her shaky hands seemed a much greater danger. Somehow she managed to arrange everything on the table. In addition to the Hofmann Voltameter, the jumper cables, and the car battery, she had a sealed metal box, a vacuum pump, and something wrapped in a blue blanket. Unlike before when the Voltameter’s plastic tubes led to a balloon, Cammie now hooked the hydrogen tube and the vacuum pump to the metal box, which had a door on one side that made it look like a safe.
All of the competitors were spying on each other the whole time, trying to figure out what they were up against and how their chances were. When Cammie spotted one kid who was setting up a baking soda volcano, she laughed.
“That kid’s clueless. He comes every year with the same lame experiment,” she said, turning to shout across the room. “Get a clue!”
“Hey, take it easy!” Nathan admonished her. She could barely control herself for the nerves.
But many of the other contraptions appeared just as complicated and thought-provoking as Cammie’s did. Someone had used an ultraviolet light telescope to chart planets that might be able to sustain life. Another student was working on a way to make hydrogen gasoline. Right across from Cammie’s booth, a clean-cut young man set up for a presentation on a microbe that could live on arsenic in place of phosphorus. When Cammie saw that, she practically suffocated.
“I can’t beat that, not even with this,” she whimpered as Nathan and I huddled around her. Nathan took her hand and gave it a yank to get her attention.
“Come on. You can do this!” he urged. “You’ve pushed yourself for this for months, and it’s going to work! Those judges are going to be blown away. I believe in you, Cammie. There’s nothing you can’t do.”
Cammie offered a stilted nod, trying to catch her breath. She looked positively hollow, like a breeze could knock her over, but I think it helped that Nathan was here for her. We still had time to grab an early lunch before the opening ceremony. Cammie hardly said a word. She’d memorized all of her notes. She knew what to say. Now it just had to happen.
People filed in for the start of the competition. A senator gave a speech on the importance of science education to a crowd of hundreds of spectators. He would be judging along with two science professors from top universities.
Once the opening ceremony was over, students returned to their booths and waited for the judges. Gladys joined us then, using a cane to support herself. A flock of Cammie’s friends were around too, though they knew to give her some space. The judges and the crowd worked around the convention center, and every few minutes there’d be another pop or bang as an experiment went off. As tempted as I was to see what everyone had made, I had to stay here and support Cammie.
By the time the judges made it to the booth to our left, Nathan was practically holding Cammie on her feet. He kissed her on her head and then stepped away as the judges led the crowd over.
“Cammie Wheeler, the interconnectivity of parallel planes of existence,” the silver-haired senator read from a clipboard. Cammie took a deep breath, and sprung into action as though her body were acting without her mind.
