Dead Jack and the Old Gods, page 9
“I have heard of your stupidity,” the leprechaun queen said, “but until now I never truly believed it. How could such an idiot stay in the detective business and be so daft? I’d ask myself. I thought the stories about you were exaggerations, but your presence here shows you to be the most ignorant fool in all of the Five Cities. Unless this is a suicide attempt. Are you looking to die tonight? The true death?”
“I’m looking to save you, Your Majesty.”
The leprechaun queen exploded in laughter. Her henchmen joined in the laughter. Maybe this wasn’t a good idea. Dana wasn’t known for being reasonable.
“I know you have no love for me,” I said, “but why else would I come here, unless I needed your help? Not just for myself but for everyone in Pandemonium. I know that you didn’t sanction Fine Flanagan to kidnap the interdimensional baby or intend to destroy Pandemonium. If you wanted me dead, you could have done that long ago. But our world is in danger again, and we are running out of options. A being calling himself Harbinger has entered Pandemonium through a portal. He’s seeking a book called the Necronomicon.”
I removed the book from my inner pocket.
“You have possession of the Necronomicon?” she asked incredulously. Dana leaned forward and eyed it with curiosity.
“Wait! You had it all along?” Herb asked, his voice rising. “You never said you had it?”
Herb rubbed his thighs and breathed heavily.
Dana looked questioningly at Herb. “He gets like this when you mention the book,” I said. “He’ll be alright. Oswald, give him more dust.”
“I’m not doing that, Jack.” Oswald put an arm around Herb, trying to soothe him.
“Enough!” Dana shouted and stood. “What is the meaning of your visit?”
“So, you’ve heard of the Necro—” Herb squealed “—the book?” I put it back in my pocket.
“I know it is a wicked book.”
“You got that right. This Harbinger wants the book to awaken Cthulhu and open the portals hidden under the Bone Tower and Lucifer Tower, which will clear the way for the Old Gods to invade our world and destroy everything.”
“And what does this have to do with me?”
“We want to destroy the book and we think Pandemonium’s interdimensional beings can help us. They defeated the Old Gods once.”
“I see.”
“The leprechauns are the only creatures I know who can find the IDBs.”
The leprechaun queen exhaled. “I can take you to a liminal space, the in-between. Us leprechauns once could travel to our homeland of Tír na nÓg, a place out of time, but since we’ve been banished here that is not possible. However, we can travel to the in-between, for short periods. It is here that we encountered the angels, or interdimensional beings, as you call them. And you are right. I did not sanction Fine’s actions. That does not mean I forgive you for what you did to him. You dishonored the leprechaun nation.”
“But does that mean you’ll help us and take us to the in-between?”
“I want something in return.”
“Name it.”
“Zara Moonbeam’s hammer.”
“Come again?”
“I want Zara Moonbeam’s hammer or we don’t have a deal.”
“I could give you something of mine, but Zara would never give up her hammer. It’s like her favorite thing.”
“Then I want your head. My guards can chop it off now. One zombie is certainly worth two leprechauns, don’t you think?”
“I can try to persuade Zara.”
Dana smiled. “You’re dismissed.”
We left the throne room, went up the stairs, and slunk out of Finn MacCool’s. I knew dealing with the leprechaun queen was nothing compared to Zara.
24
Calling the Pixie-Witch
A phone booth stood on the corner, but a brownie was using it. He swayed and slurred into the receiver. “I said, I’d be home soon... What’s soon? Soon... Don’t yell. I’m jus gonna have one more drink... No. I’m not at the Fairy House.”
The Fairy House was the strip joint next to Finn MacCool’s.
“I don’t need to give my money to no fairies...” the brownie said.
I knocked on the booth. “Hey, buddy, we have an emergency.”
“Scram. I’m talking to me wife... No. That’s no hussy. Does it sound like a hussy? It’s a ghoul. I have to go... Soon. I’ll be home soon.”
The brownie hung up, and then he slipped another coin in the slot and began dialing.
I reached into the booth, grabbed him by the back of the shirt, and yanked him out. He went tumbling onto the sidewalk. I jumped into the phone booth and shut the door. The brownie got up, but Oswald and Herb blocked the booth. The fairy threw up his hands in defeat and returned to the Fairy House.
I dialed the number at the Witch House, hoping Zara would be home and praying Unicorn wouldn’t answer. The phone rang four times. Unicorn picked up.
“I need to talk to Zara.”
“Let me guess. You screwed everything up and you need Zara to bail you out?”
“Actually, I just heard a great band at Finn MacCool’s and I was wondering if Zara would like to come hear some good music for a change.”
“You know, Jack, Zara’s teaching me magic and I’m getting good at it. I might have to start practicing on you.”
“Is that Jack?” a voice shouted from a distance on the other end of the line. It was Zara.
“The next time you see me, Jack, I’m going to have a surprise for you,” Unicorn said, and passed the phone to Zara.
“What’s the problem?”
“Not really a problem, per se. More of a proposal.”
“Okay.”
“So, we have the Necronomicon.”
“Good.”
“We can’t hide it from Harbinger, not for long anyway, and we can’t destroy it. Yet. If he gets his hands on it, we’re all slaves to the Old Gods. The ones who survive, that is.”
“But you have a proposal?”
“We may be able to destroy the book with the aid of an interdimensional being. But we can only find the interdimensional being with help from Dana the Leprechaun Queen.”
“I still haven’t heard your proposal or how I’m involved.”
“How fond are you of your hammer? Like on a scale of one to ten. One being dirty socks and ten being the cat’s meow.”
“My hammer is my life. I don’t know what I’d do without it.”
“There are other things in the world as good as hammers. Like hellfire sticks or cookies.”
“What does my hammer have to do with any of this?”
“The leprechaun queen wants your hammer or she won’t help us save the universe.”
Zara hung up.
I dialed again and Zara hung up. She picked up the third time. “No, Jack. She’s not getting my hammer. Not happening. Never.”
“But you have so many other tattoos. Like that grenade and those cool keys. There’s even that butterfly. What does that do?”
“Why don’t you give up something you love?”
“Come on, Zara.”
“Oh, right, you don’t love anything. No, wait. You love dust. But I guess the leprechaun queen already has enough of that.”
“What are we going to do then? You saw what Harbinger did to the Sisters. Imagine what will happen if he gets his hands on the Necronomicon.”
“He’s not going to get his hands on the Necronomicon.”
“I knew I could talk some sense into you. So, you’ll give Dana your hammer?”
“No. I’m going to give my hammer to the Necronomicon. If the IDBs can destroy it, it can be destroyed, and my hammer is just as good as those twerps. I’ll be there in an hour.”
When I came out of the phone booth, Oswald said, “Is she going to give Dana her hammer?”
“Not quite. She’s going to do it herself.”
We decided to wait in the Fairy House for Zara’s arrival.
We took a table farthest from the stage, where a fairy named Luna de Luna was doing a feather dance. The brownie from the phone booth was getting a lap dance from a pixie in a microscopic G-string three tables over. He wasn’t going to be home soon by the looks of it.
An old, haggard fairy waitress in a bikini came to our table. “What do you want?” she croaked.
“I’ll have a Devil Boy and these two gentlemen will have Shirley Temples.”
The waitress didn’t leave. “That’s all,” I said.
“Where’s my tip?”
“You didn’t bring us any drinks.”
“And you won’t be getting any drink unless I get a tip.”
I handed her a gold coin. “More,” she said.
The fairy didn’t leave until I gave her five coins.
The drinks came when the feather dance ended and then a bathtub filled with bubbly water was brought out and a fairy got in and gave herself a good cleaning.
I downed my Devil Boy in one gulp. Oswald nursed his Shirley Temple. Herb didn’t touch his drink.
“Do you think Zara can destroy the book?” Oswald asked.
“Not if she doesn’t have the power of an interdimensional being,” Herb said. The guy looked absolutely dejected. He slumped in his chair, never once looked up at the dancers.
“Who knows?” I said. “It might work. What harm could it do? I’ve seen Zara destroy a lot of things with her mighty hammer.”
I wanted another drink, but I was afraid the waitress would extort me for another five pieces, so I suffered in silence. The tub routine ended with the fairy toweling herself off with a dishrag as the patrons hooted and hollered. I didn’t see the brownie anywhere. Maybe he finally went home to his wife. We left the Fairy House as Nixie St. Cloud took the stage.
An hour from our call, right on time, Zara arrived outside Finn MacCool’s. She didn’t look too pleased.
“Did you offer up my hammer or did you try to negotiate?”
“It was all her idea,” I said. “I told her it would never happen, but she wouldn’t listen. Sound familiar? Is it a redhead thing?”
“Let’s get this over with. I’ll smash the book to bits and then you can tell that leprechaun bitch to go to hell.”
“Let’s do it in the alleyway,” I said.
I knew the alleyway very well. It’s where I ate Fine Flanagan and accidentally released his IDB captive, who would now come in very handy.
We moved to the end of the alleyway. But before I could take out the Necronomicon, the brownie came out from behind a dumpster with a huge smile on his face. As he passed us, he said, “I’m going home, boys.” A few seconds later, Luna de Luna emerged, straightening her pink wig. She gave us a big wink and clattered away in her sky-high heels.
I placed the book on the ground. “I think it best if we move as far away as possible.” Me, Oswald, and Herb stood at the other end of the alley watching Zara.
She mumbled a few words and touched the hammer tattoo on her arm. The hammer appeared in her hand. The huge sledgehammer glinted from what little light there was. Zara took a few practice swings. I could hear the wind whooshing with each swing. Then Zara touched the head of the hammer to the book and raised it and touched it again. Then she pulled the hammer back over her head, her biceps bulging, her neck straining, and swung the hammer down so hard she was lifted off the ground.
The hammer slammed the cover of the Necronomicon, sending vibrations out in its wake. A blast of air knocked the three of us down. The side wall to the Fairy House caved in. Zara was thrown, too, and crashed against Finn MacCool’s. When we got our bearings, we all ran toward the book, which sat on the floor without a scratch. The same couldn’t be said for Zara’s hammer. The only thing that was intact was the handle. The head had disintegrated into dust, which lay in a neat pile on top of the book.
No one said a word. Zara picked up the handle from the ground and touched it to her arm. But it didn’t transform back into a tattoo. She tried it three more times, and every time nothing happened. Zara wore a death stare. She breathed heavily, her face turning as red as her hair.
I kept quiet. I could have gone the rest of my afterlife without ever saying a word.
After a few awkward minutes, Zara spoke. “I want to talk to this leprechaun queen,” she said.
“She’s right down here,” I said, and led her to the front door of Finn MacCool’s.
25
When Redheads Collide
The bouncer must have sensed that Zara meant business. He didn’t try to stop her when she barged into Finn MacCool’s.
“Where is she?” Zara asked no one in particular.
The bartender shot me a look and then looked up at Zara. She was a good foot taller than most of the patrons, in some cases two feet taller. I shrugged at the barman.
“She’s down the stairs,” I said, and walked toward the door beside the bar.
“That’s the pixie-witch?” asked the bartender, who jumped in front of the door.
“Open the door,” she said, looking straight ahead as if her eyes could burn the door down. The bartender didn’t say a word. He opened it and waved us in.
“Do I need to go?” Herb asked, his eyes darting back and forth. He rubbed his thighs like they were dirty. “I don’t want to be near it any longer. It’s giving me palpitations.”
He didn’t look in any shape to help us. “Sure, Herb, you can hang back. We can take it from here.”
“Thanks, Jack. Good luck. I think I’m going to head over to the Fairy House for a little while.”
I patted him on the back. “It’s going to be okay.”
Someone must have alerted the Queen that we were coming, because the door to the throne was open and one of the guards stood at the entrance. Zara strode in ahead of Oswald and me.
The Queen still sat at her throne. She gave us all a queer look as we entered. She seemed slightly amused but a bit interested in Zara, who was fuming.
The guard from the door took up position between Zara and the Queen, which was a good idea. The second guard stood beside Dana.
She waited for Zara to speak. She didn’t wait too long.
“You’re not getting my hammer,” Zara said.
The Queen smiled, raised an eyebrow. “I’ve heard a lot about you, Zara. Even before you started turning up in the tabloids. You’ve made quite a name for yourself. You and your hammer.”
“It’s gone.” Zara pivoted and showed the leprechaun queen the blank spot on her arm. “And if it wasn’t, you still wouldn’t have gotten it.”
Dana grimaced. “What happened to it?”
“I tried to destroy that stupid book and it was my hammer that got destroyed.”
The Queen laughed. I watched Zara’s face. It burned. I had to cool things off. “We’re out of options, Your Majesty. The IDBs are the only ones who can help us or we’ll all turn to dust like Zara’s hammer.”
“You people aren’t very smart, are you?” the Queen said. “It’s a shame about the hammer. I could have put it to good use.”
“My hammer isn’t the only tattoo I have,” Zara said. “I can put a few of them to good use right now. Have you ever seen the trauma a katana can do to a person? It’s not pretty.”
The Queen laughed again, but this time there was more joy in it. She ran her eyes over Zara. “You have some interesting body art, Zara. Are those Enochian symbols?” She pointed to Zara’s left forearm.
“They are,” Zara said. “Can you help us? I have three friends who’ve lost their minds after running into this guy who’s looking for the Necronomicon. I imagine plenty more people will be losing their marbles or worse if we don’t make sure he doesn’t get this book.”
“What are you offering?”
“I’m offering you a way out of this. You’re in just as much trouble as us.”
“Don’t be too sure. The Leprechaun Nation has its own resources. Remember, pixie, you are coming to me for aid.” There was contempt in her voice when she said pixie.
Zara picked up on it. “No, leprechaun, we’re actually coming to save you, but you’re too stupid to know it.”
“You’re a bit large to be a pixie, aren’t you? But don’t think your size intimidates the true wee folk.”
Zara looked ready to brawl.
“Does size really matter?” I said. “I think it’s in all our best interests to work together. Dana, let’s make a deal. Is there anything else you’d want from us? You can take Oswald. He’s much more useful than a hammer?”
“Thanks, Jack,” Oswald said, “That’s the nicest thing you’ve ever said about me.
“The snowman doesn’t interest me,” the Queen said. “How did you get those tattoos, Zara?”
“There are artists who do it, but most of them I did myself.”
The Queen smiled wickedly. “Could you tattoo me?”
“You’re not getting a hammer.”
The Queen giggled. “Come to think of it, a hammer is a bit too masculine for me. How about a long sword?”
“After we meet the IDBs.”
“Deal.”
26
In-Between a Rock and a Liminal Space
Dana rose from her throne. “Come with me,” she said.
We passed through a golden door at the far end of the throne room, and again we descended a winding staircase.
“You may underestimate the leprechauns, the true descendants of the Tuatha Dé Danann,” the Queen said, “but we have gifts unrivaled in Pandemonium. Our true home has always been the Other World, but not the one you think of. Our Other World was Tír na nÓg, and even here and now, we can return to a form of the world, temporarily, because like the so-called interdimensional beings, we are also fallen angels.”
At the bottom of the stairs, we stepped into a small room with a dirt floor and stone walls. In the center sat a mound of dirt several feet high. Dana the Leprechaun Queen stood before the mound. “This is a sídhe. It is here that you can enter Tír na nÓg. I cannot go on this journey with you. The angels don’t trust me. Not after some of my people hunted and abducted them. Once you enter the sídhe, you are on your own.”
