Dead Jack and the Old Gods, page 16
The dread evaporated and the worms had vacated my head. We weren’t driven insane. That meant this had to be solved with our fists, old lightning and thunder. I cocked my right fist back, the thunder, leapt over the railing of the promenade, plummeted toward Cthulhu, and socked him on the chin. My knuckles dug into his slimy tentacles. The Old God’s head snapped back, and it was on.
Cthulhu’s wings beat the air. He rose up, and then came down claws first. I tried to move back, but I stumbled and his claws raked my face, stripping off big chunks of dead flesh. I fell flat on my ass and Cthulhu pounced, straddling my chest and opening up a flurry of blows to my face. The motherfooker was a street brawler.
Let’s see if the bastard had nads. I drove my knee hard between his legs. The beast gave out a scream, a shriek so shrill and high, it must have been heard back in the Other World. He fell to the side. I leapt up, and while the god writhed in agony, I kicked the fook like a rented winged horse. I had gotten three good, satisfying kicks in when the bastard grabbed my leg and yanked it. I came crashing down on a few dozen cultists, felt them burst like ripe grapes underneath me.
Before I could recover, Cthulhu had grabbed both my ankles, swung me in a circle, and tossed me over the Broken Sea. I went sailing for miles. I watched as the coastline of ShadowShade got closer and closer. But we dropped – history’s worst belly flop – well before the city. The water felt like cement when we hit it, and then we sank.
You know I don’t like the water, I said to Oswald.
I’m with you now.
I know we’re united, but let’s not get too mushy.
I think we can take this Cthulhu guy.
We’re at the bottom of the sea. I don’t think we’re winning.
But there’s a chance.
And that’s all we need.
We finally stopped dropping. I started kicking and waving my arms, and after a time we began to rise.
The last time I found myself in the drink I got sexually harassed by a shark woman named Georgina. She wouldn’t stop calling me for a long time afterwards. She wore me down until I finally agreed to a date, but it was more of a mauling. She thought I’d be the perfect lover because I couldn’t die. Shark Women always kill their lovers, which is why there are no Shark Men. But that’s another story.
We broke the surface and waded in the water as I looked around. I spotted Cthulhu flying overhead, but he didn’t stop to finish us off. He kept going straight for the heart of ShadowShade.
I guess he doesn’t care about us, Oswald said.
He’s got more pressing matters. Like destroying the universe. After all, we’re insignificant.
I began to swim toward ShadowShade when Oswald said, Dunzy, we can fly.
Oh, right. I stopped swimming. And how do we do that?
We clap.
I clapped, but we didn’t start flying. I clapped harder.
Oswald laughed so hard I thought he’d busted a gut.
That’s Peter Pan, dunzy.
Hahaha, Oswald. You’re more obnoxious than ever. When did you ever read Peter Pan?
After you tried to solve a case by copying Sherlock Holmes, I dove into the classics.
Stop wasting time. How do we fly?
Just think of the ball of light again, see it rising, and rise with it.
I did just that, and wouldn’t you know it? We rose out of the water.
I’m doing it. I’m flying.
Actually, I’m doing it. But you’ll get the hang of it.
We floated toward ShadowShade and certain doom, but, hey, I was a hundred and fifty feet tall and flying. It was going to be a hell of a way to go out. I noticed there was no shaft of light emanating from the Lucifer Tower. Only two portals were open. We still had time.
39
Round 2: Battle for ShadowShade
We landed on the eastern tip of ShadowShade in an Irish Town park that runs along the shore. The place was deserted. Usually the park was full of leprechauns dealing dust or Dragon’s Blood or Mummy Dust. This was usually a place where the stone-cold dust heads went when they were desperate. Now the park was only populated by thousands of empty baggies and beer bottles.
A great boom sounded from Uptown. It sounded like a garbage truck had fallen off the Empire Snake Building. No doubt it was the work of Cthulhu.
He seems to be making his way to Lucifer Tower, I said. He must need to open the portal himself.
One of those crab critters burst out of the water, landed in the park, and came at us. I stomped on it, green slime bursting out from under my shoe.
I almost wish Zara was here, I said.
Let’s give her a call then.
You think she’s standing by a phone waiting for us?
You keep forgetting our power. We can contact her through our minds.
Then shut up and call her.
Oswald went silent for a moment, and then he began. Zara, Zara. It’s me Oswald...and Jack...we need your help. He waited. I listened to the water lapping against the shore and wondered what else lurked underneath it.
Again: Zara, Zara...It’s me —
That’s fookin weird, little dude.
Zara! You can hear us?
A little loud. Tone it down.
Okay, okay.
You said ‘us’?
Jack and I have formed a union.
Hi, Zara, I said.
I’m so happy for you guys. You do know the world is ending, right? So, excuse me if I don't throw you guys a party.
Relax, Zara. We just kicked Cthulhu’s ass. So, quit the sarcasm.
Oh, good, so everything’s hunky-dory?
Not exactly. There’s a new island in the middle of the Broken Sea, Cthulhu got away, and I think the Empire Snake Building is gone.
I’ve heard enough. We’re strengthening the barrier between the Five Cities and the rest of Pandemonium. If we can’t beat these gods, maybe we can contain them. Cthulhu was contained for eons, right?
And trap us all with them?
Some of us will be able to get out, probably not all of us. I’m going to lose some of my fellow witches, too. The power needed to bolster the barrier will eventually drain them.
If we can destroy Cthulhu before the big guys show up that might not be necessary. We hoped you could help us.
I don’t think that’s wise. I need to stay here, get people out of the Five Cities, and strengthen the barrier.
Any advice?
Don’t make things worse.
Zara popped out of my head and we were on our own.
We can’t do this alone, I said. We need a team. Let’s call everyone we know and see who answers.
Oswald put out to call and told whoever heard to meet us at the Irish Town park. The Five Cities were in danger, heck all of Pandemonium and probably beyond were in danger. Join us and let’s fight for this hellhole, the only real home most of us have ever known.
Soon, they came. First out of the streets, and then out of the woods. Others sprang from the water or dropped from the sky.
Syd the Spider, Dana the Leprechaun Queen, Ursula the Goblin Queen, Eric (Lucifer’s former assistant), Lilith, Madgogg the Ogre, Camazotz, and of course Georgina.
“Hi, Jack. Why did you stop calling me?” Was saving the universe really worth it? I thought. “Now that you’re a hundred feet tall, is the rest of you just as big?” She winked.
“Where’s Oswald,” Syd asked. “Didn’t he call me? And why are you so big?”
“I’ll explain on the way. Come on.”
We headed North on Broadway. Several other compatriots, including Wally and Lucius, joined us along the way.
“I knew no good would come from the book,” Wally said. “I should really hang myself.”
I explained what happened to Oswald and how we merged. A few of them seemed a bit put off by it.
During our little march, I formulated a plan. It was the epitome of simplicity. The others would take care of Harbinger and the cultists, while I tangoed with Cthulhu.
You like that plan? I asked Oswald in my mind.
I think it’s the only one we got.
When we reached 28th Street, I pulled off a street lamp and carried it with me as a cudgel.
Cthulhu had perched himself on top of a burned-out Edsel beside Lucifer Tower. Harbinger was there too, reading from the Necronomicon as White Fang slit a cultist’s throat. Dozens of naked cultists prostrated themselves before the proceedings just as they did on R’lyeh. I wondered why they needed to perform their ritual here and why it didn’t automatically open when Cthulhu awoke from his nap.
Maybe because it’s Lucifer’s, Oswald said. He probably has the place locked down by magic.
That’s the least Lucifer could do. He did start this whole thing by making you wish him away.
The Devil giveth and the Devil taketh away.
The Devil is a completely different person. We’ve been over that.
Right.
Cthulhu seemed to be digging whatever was happening. His wings were folded up behind his back, but they twittered excitedly.
I bashed my lamppost cudgel into the plate-glass window of a jewelry store, setting off the alarm. That got Cthulhu’s attention. His big green head turned in our direction. The cultists didn’t move. The Great Old One coldly regarded us insignificant pissants.
“I almost knocked you on your ass, Coo-coo-cha-choo!” I shouted. Ready for Round Dos?”
The cultists stirred then. The mass of naked bodies moved like a wave, and the devotees mechanically got to their feet and faced us. Then, as if given an invisible sign, they came for us.
“Get ready, everyone, it’s game time,” I said.
I held back as our buddies waded into the sea of cultists. I had bigger fish to fry.
Syd knocked cultists over with her spindly legs, then caught them in her silk ropes. Madgogg went berserker, his battle axe singing through the air, cutting down the slaves. Georgina was having a blast, biting everything around her. She was mostly going for their crotches, I noticed. Camazotz took to the air, scooping up cultists in his claws and dropping the poor saps back to the ground. Dana wielded her new sword, slicing and dicing the angry horde. Lilith shouted encouragement.
I lumbered through the fray, kicking and pushing cultists out of the way, as we headed toward Big Green. Cthulhu stayed perched on the Edsel, his taloned feet clutching the hood. He sent a blast of dread into our head. Blackness exploded in my mind and reached its slimy tentacles throughout my body. The darkness grew, filling me with overwhelming dread. My restarted heart beat triple time.
Don’t let it get to you, Oswald said.
I didn’t think. I acted. I swung the lamppost at Cthulhu, but I was too slow. He flew off the Edsel just in time. He fluttered over our head, his wings beating the air in large whooshes. I turned and threw the post like a javelin. It struck the beast in the back, sending him to the ground.
Nice throw, Oswald said.
Was that me or you?
That was all you, Jack.
Cthulhu lay face down, his wings spasming. I picked up the post and began to wail on the Green Giant’s back. He shuddered with every blow. I brought down the pole again and again, with fury and venom.
I would have kept going until Cthulhu was nothing but a puddle of split pea soup, but I crumpled to the ground. A great weight had fallen on top of me. I managed to get on my hands and knees, only for another weight to come crashing down on me, and then another and another.
Amid the blows, I managed to look up and see cultists throwing themselves off the roof above us, like kamikaze pilots, dive-bombing us.
He’s making them kill themselves to save his hairy green ass, Oswald said.
Cultists splattered on the pavement all around us. They crash-landed on car hoods and on other cultists. It was fookin raining cultists.
We army-crawled away from the rainstorm of cultists and took shelter in an alley. Still, the cultists rained down as our ragtag army fought the cultists on the ground. Syd was limping now, two of her legs broken. Madgogg was covered in blood but still wildly swinging his battle axe. Wally was having a hard time conjuring energy balls, which he lamely tossed into the street. Ursula sat on the curb, trying to catch her breath. Blood ran down her face. I didn’t see Lucius, but that was to be expected. I couldn’t find Georgina either. I wouldn’t be surprised if she was in an orgy with the cultists. I didn’t care. At least it would occupy them. The cultists weren’t much fighters, but they had us outnumbered.
Harbinger now faced Lucifer Tower, shouting from the Necronomicon.
Cthulhu recovered enough to stand. And when he did, the cultists stopped flying off the roof. The beast turned its ugly head every which way looking for us.
“Over here, ugly!” I shouted.
When he spotted us, his tentacles went up. He came for us and he looked mad.
We headed farther into the alley to draw him away from the others. This was between the three of us.
The alley was wide. There were several dumpsters and bags of trash. Some of the garbage didn’t make it into the trash and littered the ground.
When Cthulhu entered the alley, I shouted, “This is between us, big guy. Let’s settle this like men. Deal?”
I stepped forward and reached out my hand. Instead of shaking it, he threw a right jab into my nose. So, it was going to be like that?
I threw a fake jab, and when Cthulhu ducked I head-butted him in the chin, sending him into a dumpster. He was back up quickly and slammed me with one of his wings.
The Old One got me on the ground, but I managed to flip him around. I pounded him in the face, green slime oozing out of his nostrils, and drove my knee into his groin relentlessly.
The Great Beast wrapped me in his humongous wings and squeezed me. My bones groaned and popped. I emptied my lungs in a scream. Then I remembered my true nature and I chomped on that motherfooker like he was my first meal after losing my soul. I tore at his tentacles, chewed them up and spit them out. It was clear Cthulhu had never been bitten before, because the monster didn’t know what to do with himself. He thrashed wildly, trying to shake us off him, but I held on tight, my mouth as big as a Buick, and latched onto his neck. I tore and ripped, more green slime pouring out of the wound.
Cthulhu’s wings beat on my back to no avail, and when they slowed their drumbeat, I knew he was fading, but I kept going, tearing into the rough scaly flesh.
When I finally came up for air, Cthulhu’s head was half severed. The wings stopped moving and he fell limply on the cement. The green slime pooled under his head.
I stood, exhausted. I grabbed the remaining tentacles on his face. I placed a foot on his chest, and wrenched the Great Lord Cthulhu’s head off his body.
We held it up in triumph.
Wow, Jack, I didn’t think we had it in us.
Outside the alley, the battle still raged. I stood in the middle of the street and again held up the head of Cthulhu.
“Behold, the dead god!” I shouted.
Everyone stopped.
The cultists looked upon their dear god with terror.
I tossed the head into the street, where it rolled against the Edsel’s tire, plinking the steel hubcap. The cultists ran off.
Syd, Madgogg, Dana, and the others let out a victory cry.
“We did it!” Madgogg shouted, and threw down his battle axe. Syd slumped to the ground. But something didn’t feel right. Harbinger was still at it, shouting at Lucifer Tower, the Necronomicon raised high.
My hands were wet with blood. I raised them. They dripped with Cthulhu’s thick green blood, which had poured from his skull. Then, I noticed, the street ran green, too. Blood from the fallen god’s body flowed from the alley and rushed toward Lucifer Tower. It was a lot of blood. A damn river of blood flooded up Park Avenue, increasing in strength and volume, until it swept past Harbinger and crashed into the double-glass front doors of Lucifer Tower. The doors burst open and the bloody river swept inside and flooded the building.
“Maybe it wasn’t such a good idea to kill Cthulhu,” some asshole said.
Like Moses parting the Red Sea, Harbinger stood in the now mighty river. His voice rising with the infernal waters.
I took two giant steps toward Harbinger and fell in the river, which dragged me toward Lucifer Tower. I slammed my feet into the ground but the rush of water was too great and I went skidding along the street.
The Jupiter Stone, dunzy. I thought of rising and I did. I flew at Harbinger. The crafty god that wasn’t a god dove into the blood river, and in a blink of an eye he was gone inside Lucifer Tower. I hovered over the spot where he stood and that ol dread filled me.
Lucifer Tower groaned and rattled. I knew what was happening, because it happened to the Obsidian Tower. It was imploding.
“Everyone get back!” I shouted. “It’s going down.”
Supernaturals ran, flew, or swam away from the building. I grabbed Wally and Syd and brought them to safety a block away. But it was too late to save the tower. It was like a turd circling the toilet. The skyscraper sunk lower and lower as the last of the blood flowed into the impending vortex.
We watched as the ground ate Lucifer Tower. It was only seconds before the blue swirling vortex appeared. That was quickly followed by a blue beam of blue light shooting into the sky.
I thought we did pretty well, I said.
We did kill an unkillable god, Oswald said.
Lucifer Tower’s blue beam slowly bent east. I turned toward the Broken Lands and was relieved to find that its beam was still pointing straight up. But it didn’t matter. Because the portal at Witch End was bending west. The Lucifer Tower beam and the Witch End beam were converging on the Bone Tower beam.
“I bet when the three beams meet, something not good is going to happen,” I said.
“I think the real portal is about to open,” Wally said.
An eerie quiet descended on the city as we watched the beams inch toward each other. Madgogg, Dana, and Georgina joined us. We all watched the beams with dread.
“I’m going underground,” Syd said. “It might be safe there.”
