Just One Reason, page 11
Terri could hardly breathe. She set the phone back down and reached between her legs. Damn, she was already wet. She let her finger circle her clit and her body responded with a firm clench. Every part of her wanted Sam inside her.
Wiping off her finger, she reached for the phone again. It wasn’t fair that Sam had done this and she couldn’t ask her to come finish what she’d started. She tapped out the words she didn’t want to say: We can’t do this. I shouldn’t have messaged you.
Sam: Whose lines are you worried about crossing?
When Terri didn’t answer, Sam texted again: Neither of us are going to tell anyone. Say I’m wrong and you don’t want me to come over.
Terri: I have to go. Good night.
Terri tossed the phone on the night stand and then switched off the lamp. She could find her vibrator in the top drawer without the light on. Tonight it was a far cry from what she wanted, but Sam had given her plenty to imagine.
Chapter Twelve
Sam could hardly breathe when she set her phone down. Had she really texted Terri all of that? And Terri hadn’t stopped her. God, what’d she do for one night with her.
She got out of bed and went to the kitchen for a glass of water. No one was around to talk to, both of her roommates were long since asleep, but she couldn’t tell anyone about the exchange anyway. And if things went any further with Terri, it would all have to stay a secret.
She looked out the little window above the sink. Another brown apartment building, illuminated by the parking lot lights, stared back at her. A dog barked somewhere and the sound echoed. With the thin walls and the ever-present freeway noise, the apartment was never truly quiet. But the noise didn’t stop her from feeling lonely and longing to have someone to talk to. Maybe her roommates would listen. Maybe Megan would too. But what advice could they give?
If she stayed, she’d make everyone happy. Her parents, her friends, Weiss, and now Terri. If she left, she’d have the ocean to look at every day. But she’d give up forty-one million dollars and, worse, let everyone down. And how would she pay back all of the loans she’d taken out? She took a long sip of water and then added her glass to the pile of dishes that overfilled the sink.
The box from the beach house still sat in the middle of her room where she’d left it. She opened it now, took out one of the letters she hadn’t yet read, and sat down on the floor. She’d gotten used to Paul Samuels’ slanting cursive, but his handwriting in this particular letter wavered more. He started off with a colorful story about one of his neighbors, a drag queen with a day job as an accountant who’d forgotten to take off his bright red nail polish before heading into work one day. Sam found herself smiling despite the rest of the letter’s somber tone. Paul’s chest cold hadn’t responded to antibiotics yet, and, in his words, his cough threatened to blow off the apartment’s roof. He had a sense of humor, despite everything, and she could almost hear him laughing.
When she reached the end of the letter, tracing the swirly capital “l” in the word love, she leaned back against the bed and closed her eyes. From the letters, she’d quickly gathered that Paul Samuels was her uncle. After she’d figured that much out, she’d gone online and done some hunting. Then she’d come back to the box and pored over the letters and receipts to map out a story no one had ever told her.
Paul Samuels had died in 1989 in a little apartment in San Francisco that his mother, her grandmother, had been paying the rent for. Along with the rent, her grandmother had also been paying all of his medical bills. According to the newspaper obituary, which Sam had found on top of all the letters, Paul had died of pneumonia. But there was no doubt in her mind that AIDS had sealed his fate. And she’d figured out why no one had ever told her about him. Her grandfather, the same man who everyone touted as the perfect doctor, had disowned his son for being gay. Paul had written about it in one of the letters. He’d also forbade his wife, her grandmother, from talking to Paul. Of course she hadn’t listened.
Sam carefully refolded the letter and slipped it back in the envelope. She’d found the box in the beach house’s guest bedroom closet, buried under trays of oil paints and a pair of old shoes. The tattered brown box had escaped her notice for years, but she’d had a full weekend off between Radiology and Med-Peds and decided to take the time to finally clear out the room.
She’d been working on cleaning the whole house, when she had the time, for a few years, but everything took longer than it should since she couldn’t bring herself to simply toss her grandma’s stuff without sorting through it. The first time she’d read Paul’s name, scribbled on the lid of the box, she’d stared at it dumbly, thinking she had no relative by that name. Then a lump formed in her throat as she read the name again. She knew they must have some connection, and before reading anything inside the box, she’d had a sense that something awful had happened.
But the box had given her more than the story of her uncle’s tragic death. She’d learned what no one had ever told her about her grandfather. And knowing all that, could she truly follow in his footsteps and take over his old job?
She stayed on the floor until she felt chilled and then climbed into bed. The clock blinked two a.m. but she didn’t feel tired. Picking up her phone, she pulled her sheets up to her chin and then read through the series of texts she’d exchanged with Terri. She couldn’t help smiling when she got to the last few lines.
* * *
Morning rounds passed without any stray glances from Terri. Sam hoped for some hint that things had changed between them, but the only thing she noticed was that Terri pointedly avoided looking in her direction. And while everyone else chowed down on the donuts Sam had picked up, Terri slipped out to take a call from Shellhammer.
There was no break for lunch and again Sam had no excuse to catch Terri alone. She thought of sending a text and then changed her mind. By four her stomach rumbled loud enough to get a questioning look from a patient and after she’d finished with him, she went down to the breakroom. The food from the machines was tolerable at best, but she didn’t have time for a run to the cafeteria.
After staring at the row of turkey and cheese sandwiches that she knew would taste stale, she punched in the code for an apple, promising her stomach a real meal in a few hours.
“Branching out from Reese’s?”
Sam spun around at Terri’s voice. “Hey.” She’d waited all day for a chance to talk to her and “hey” was the best she could come up with? Sam glanced down at the apple. “I want pad thai. With a side of spring rolls. Unfortunately I haven’t found that in a vending machine.”
Terri reached for the apple. She took a bite, chewed with a furrowed brow, and then swallowed. “This is terrible.”
“That’s what you get for stealing someone’s lunch.” Sam went over to the next dispensing machine and punched the code for a bag of Reese’s, then went to the next machine and paid for a Coke.
When the Coke dropped, she turned and handed it to Terri. “Want to have dinner with me tonight?”
Terri ignored the question. She popped open the Coke, took a long sip, and then tapped her nails on the can. “How’d you know this is what I came here for?”
“Because you live on caffeine. So you didn’t follow me down here?”
“I did follow you. But I planned on using the Coke for my excuse.”
Terri’s coy smile hit Sam full in the chest. “Can I buy you anything else to keep you here longer?”
“You know I can’t go to dinner with you. And I’m not saying I didn’t like the texts you sent last night but…that can’t happen again. Right now nothing can happen.”
“Next week I won’t be working with you.”
Terri shook her head. “You’ll still be a resident.”
“You want me to wait almost two years to ask you out?”
“I wouldn’t tell you to wait for anyone. But you have to decide if you want to be here at all and I don’t want to complicate that.” Terri eyed the package of Reese’s. “You gonna eat all of those?”
Sam opened the package and handed her one. “So that’s your final decision? You don’t want to complicate my life?”
“Why are these things so damn good?”
“I think they slip crack in the chocolate.”
Terri raised an eyebrow. “Now you tell me.”
“I can do complicated, you know. What if I promise to figure out my shit without factoring you into it?”
“You could do that?”
“Probably better than you can relax around me.”
Terri rolled her eyes. “You’ve seen how much caffeine I drink. I don’t do relaxed.” She paused. “I want you to make your decision first. Then we’ll talk.”
Chapter Thirteen
By some gift from the gods, the week was quiet—though no one dared say that word aloud. Although Terri had told Sam it wouldn’t happen, she did try her best to relax. Both about the question of Sam leaving and the question of their attraction. Sam helped some by going back to being the all-star she’d been at the start, winning over patients and impressing everyone else.
Terri even gave her a few compliments but only because they were truly earned; once when she’d stepped in and offered to hold a screaming infant so the mother could comfort her sick toddler and then when she’d caught another resident’s mistake and subtly pulled the resident aside without attracting anyone else’s notice. For all she tried, Terri couldn’t not notice her.
She’d reread the texts Sam had sent the night after the barbeque enough times to have the lines memorized, but she didn’t dare text her again to restart the conversation. They’d reached an agreement, however tenuous it felt when Sam stood a little too close during rounds, and she intended to stick by it.
Sam finished her Med-Peds rotation and moved on to Emergency. Days passed and they rarely saw each other. Terri wanted to let Sam focus and she had her own work to do, but not seeing her only made her think about her more.
On a few occasions she went down to the Emergency Room when she knew Sam would be there. One look confirmed Sam’s desire hadn’t gone away. One look also made Terri wish she hadn’t promised never to sleep with a resident again. Instantly being turned on in Sam’s presence was bad enough. But then came the end of Sam’s rotation in Emergency.
Terri knew Sam had gone to the beach house that she’d mentioned and after only a few days the distance to Santa Cruz felt insurmountable. She counted down the days of Sam’s week off, hoping each night that she’d get a text from her, even though she knew she wouldn’t, and planning what she’d say when Sam got back. As tempting as it was to simply call her, she didn’t let herself. Sam wasn’t simply on vacation. She was figuring out the rest of her life.
On the last day of Sam’s week off, Terri got a message from Amos Hardinger, one of the cardiologists. He wanted to talk about a shared patient. Instead of calling him, she took the stairs down to the second floor after rounds. She didn’t spend too much time on the second floor and it was a good excuse to make an appearance before Sam would be there—in case anyone happened to notice that she suddenly started frequenting the floor when Sam was around.
As soon as she walked into the cardiology suite, Amos gave her a wide smile. Amos loved to talk and more than once Terri had to steer him back to the case he had a question about—a patient in liver failure who’d had a heart attack. She felt antsy, wishing Sam were already back and wishing she knew her decision. But she told herself that Sam couldn’t possibly decide not to finish the residency.
“Well, I appreciate your advice on that one,” Amos said. He clapped his hand on her shoulder. “Want to take over a few of my cases so I can get a breather?”
“I hear you’re down a resident.” As soon as Terri spoke, she hoped Amos wouldn’t ask how she knew that information.
Amos grimaced. “Yeah and looks like we might be shorthanded for the rest of the month.”
“What do you mean?”
“Weiss sent me an email this morning. Our missing resident had some kind of family emergency and might be gone for longer than we expected.”
“Wait, this is Elizabeth Samuels?”
Amos nodded. “You know her?”
“She was on rotation in Med-Peds last month.”
“I’ve heard from others that she’s good. But some of these kids can’t swing it. Who knows if it’s actually a family emergency… Leaves me in a tight spot, I’ll tell you that much. But I won’t bother you with my headache. I’m sure you’ve got plenty of your own.”
Terri’s mind spun with questions. She wished Sam had called or told her what the emergency was, but they weren’t exactly close. And was it even a family emergency or was that a line from Weiss to cover for Sam? “I could probably shift around some residents to fill in if that would help.”
“Ah, no, we’ll make it work.”
Terri left Amos with a final word that if he changed his mind, he should call her. She hoped her response didn’t reveal the swell of emotions that had caught her off-guard. If Sam had made a decision and told Weiss without saying anything to her, whatever connection Terri thought they had didn’t exist.
Goddammit. That curse slipped off her tongue followed by several more before she made it to the stairwell. She couldn’t take the elevator pissed—with her luck, she’d bump into a resident or a patient or both.
As she climbed, she swore under her breath at every step. She shouldn’t care if Sam quit. But she did. And the fact that Sam hadn’t told her, hadn’t even bothered to reach out, made her furious. But not at Sam. At herself for thinking Sam would want to tell her.
But what if there had been some emergency? That thought led her all the way up to Weiss’s office. She needed to ask him what Sam had said. Weiss might be covering for Sam, but if he wasn’t she needed to know what had happened. Her questions couldn’t wait to be answered in an email, and she didn’t want a paper trail of the conversation anyway.
Fortunately, the hall was clear. Terri paused long enough to catch her breath and steady her emotions. Weiss might be older than dirt by his own words, but he could be annoyingly perceptive. And she cared about his opinion of her. If he guessed she had an interest in Sam outside of the hospital, she’d have a bigger problem on her hands.
At her knock, Weiss’s friendly greeting boomed: “Come on in.”
Weiss stood up when Terri came in. “Well, speak of the devil.” He pointed her to a worn leather sofa opposite his desk and then sank into his own chair. “I was about to send you an email. I don’t suppose Elizabeth talked to you?”
“No.”
Weiss had asked her to talk to Sam before, but did he expect Elizabeth to confide in her in the event of a family emergency—or in the event that she’d decided to quit after all?
“Then you’re here about something else.” Weiss sighed. “I’m sorry. I’ve had a lot on my mind this morning.”
“Actually I am here about Elizabeth,” Terri couldn’t lie. Not to Weiss. But she could keep plenty to herself. “I went over to talk to Amos about a case and he mentioned he was going to be down a resident for the next month.”
“Yeah, he’s not happy.”
“I offered to try shifting residents around since we’ve had a fairly light caseload and he’s been slammed… He said Elizabeth had a family emergency?”
“I may have invented that part.” Weiss pushed a stack of papers out of his way to clear a place for his coffee mug. “When she came to ask for time off last month, I knew there was a very real possibility she wouldn’t come back. I took the gamble. Figured it was either a week off now and maybe she’d get her head unscrambled, or we lost a resident.”
Terri kept her responses measured as Weiss explained he’d sent an email to Sam to check in and she’d written back to say she still hadn’t decided. He’d offered one additional week as a last favor to her grandfather.
“She did say she felt terrible about letting you down.”
“Me?”
“She mentioned you specifically. That’s why I was going to email you.” Weiss leaned back and his old leather chair creaked. “Do you think you could talk to her? I have her number and the address of where she’s staying.”
“If she’s worried about letting me down, it sounds like she’s already decided.”
“Maybe. Maybe not.” He sighed. “This isn’t the first time I’ve had to let a good resident go. But circumstances are different this time and Elizabeth’s particularly hard for me to let go of.”
Terri wanted to say she understood. He had no idea how much she shared that sentiment.
Chapter Fourteen
Water crested over the nose of the board, splashing Sam’s face with the chill of the Pacific Ocean. She dug her hands through the water, letting her board buoy her weight over the swells. At ten in the morning, the sun hadn’t burned off the fog, but there was no wind and the tide was coming in. Even better, only a handful of surfers dotted the water. She couldn’t ask for much more.
A perfect day on the water and nowhere else to be should have made her happy. But her chest felt heavy. She paddled through the rolling breakers, annoyed when she caught a mouthful of saltwater and then annoyed at herself for not laughing it off.
Easing up on her stroke, she searched out a spot to wait for a wave. The first few waves came and went. She used the excuse that she needed more time to check the mood of the ocean. Every day, every hour, it changed, and at the moment it seemed to be holding its breath. Or maybe she was the one holding her breath.
She watched the other surfers near her catch a ride before she decided to take the next one regardless of how it looked. As the swell rose up behind her, she paddled hard. Seconds later she pushed up onto her feet. The wave lifted her and the sensation of flying took over. Flying on top of the world. She took a deep breath, inhaling the salty ocean spray and trying to breathe out the funk she hadn’t been able to shake for days.
