To Mr. Tate Howard, You are quite possibly the most infuriating, annoying and grumpy man I've ever met in my life. I know you think that you're God's gift to women, but I have a secret to let you in on: you're not. You're God's gift to yourself. Get over your wanna-be cool surfer self and grow up. I thought it was time that someone addressed your big head and told you straight to your face that you're not all that. Just because you have an Ivy league education doesn't mean you're the smartest man in the world. In fact, I'm not even sure if you would have gotten in if you didn't have rich parents. Yes, I went there. Every woman doesn't want to sleep with you and I'm sure you're not even good in bed. And I'm someone that would know. From,Your Secret Not Admirer

To Whom it May Concern, I would like to request more information about the assistant job I saw advertised in Sunday's newspaper with the six figure starting salary. I have a bachelors degree in English and many years of work experience and think I would be a good fit for the job. My questions are as follows: 1. What is the exact nature of the job? 2. Is it a strict requirement that I live with the boss? If so, can I have friends and others over? 3. The ad states there is a uniform. May I ask what sort of uniform? And why? Also, in lieu of sending a photograph, I've sent a picture of my very friendly dog that would also be joining me if I were to get the job. Yours Sincerely, Savannah Carter *** Ms. Carter, How do you know you'll be a good fit for the job if you do not know the nature of the work? My ad specifically stated I was looking for an MBA grad, not an English grad that knows nothing...

To The Single Dad in the Store,You have the most amazing hazel eyes I've ever seen. And the pinkest lips. They are what my friends and I would call "insta-kissable." The things I could do to those lips!Your kids are also cute. They're monsters, but cute. You are single, right? Or are you one of those creeps that just doesn't wear a ring? You could be on the "bangable dad" list. If such a list existed. (I may or may not be a little tipsy as I write this. Thanks for nothing, Captain Morgan.)Anyway, I just wanted to let you know that when you're in the veggie aisle at the store, you shouldn't just grab potatoes and melons from someone else's cart.Your half-secret admirer,NP.S. If you want to know more, text me at the number on the back of this envelope. To N (whose name could be anything),First off, I'm not a creep. I am not married. I'm glad to hear I'm a" bangable dad". I'm assuming that means you think I'm hot as...

To The Rude Guy in Apartment Five,I'm glad you're happy to have moved into a new apartment, but no:I do not want to have a beer with you.I do not want to have a nude sleepover.I do not want to make you breakfast, lunch or dinner, no matter how many lap dances you promise to give me.I do not need you to serenade me through the walls at 1am.And no, I have no interest in letting you take me on a date.Sincerely,Magnolia AllenP.S. And no, I do not want to know how many accents you can growl in duringintimate moments. How is that even a thing?P. P. S. Also, you will never finding me standing naked in your living room everagain, so please stop leaving lingerie packages on my welcome mat.

There was once a lamb and a big bad wolf. He's looking for a wife, and she's looking for an adventure. To wolf Antonio Marchesi, it was all about winning.Poor little lamb Callie Rowney didn't even realize it was a game. As a mafia boss, I must marry someone in my world. Someone that knows what it's like to run the family business, as it were. To aid in my betrothal, my father sets up a ball and invites all the eligible women from across the country. One of them will become Mrs. Antonio Marchesi. She will be my wife. We won't be in love, but she will play her role. Then I see the brunette in the red dress hiding in the corner of the room, trying to avoid me. She was the same woman I'd seen in the garden with her book. She's sweet, innocent, a lamb. I want her. She's totally inappropriate for the role of mafia wife. She's not from my world. Yet I can't stop my eyes...