The Player, page 14
Okay, strike that. She didn’t want to be Gray’s mother.
But she would have loved the opportunity to be his equal. His partner.
Although that wasn’t likely to happen anytime soon. He wanted her, but he wasn’t willing to take her to bed. He liked her well enough, but affection wasn’t love. He felt badly for treating her as he had, but that was hardly a basis for a relationship.
And as she’d told him, fielding his regrets wasn’t something she was interested in.
After all, how many romantic movies had the hero and heroine embracing in the rain, their future finally clear as the man whispers, I guilt you, I truly, truly guilt you.
Yeah, right. Now there was a happy-ever-after.
So the question was, Why was she holding on?
Hope, she thought. Hope and…love.
There was just something that drew her to him. And that pull was making her resent every mile that took her farther north.
She wiggled around, drumming her fingers on the armrest. As the city receded and the suburbs began to dominate the landscape, she thought it was a little bizarre that she now knew how to get around the Big Apple. Sure, she was far from being a native, but she was familiar with the basic layout of the streets and avenues and the locations and characters of the different neighborhoods.
Heck, the Flat Iron District now meant something to her. And she could actually find it without a map. Although why Sixth Avenue had to be called the Avenue of the Americas she couldn’t understand. And circumnavigating the subway system was still a little scary.
She actually wanted to be pounding the pavement right now, heading to the garment dealers to look at samples. She’d grab a deli sandwich on the run and eat it quickly. Maybe stop later for some Zabar’s coffee that she could take out onto the street with her. She’d rush along with the other pedestrians, visions of the gowns she would make for her clients filling her mind.
As night fell, she would meet Gray for dinner at some interesting, out-of-the-way restaurant. And this time, when he took her home, he would kiss her. Come upstairs with her. Stay until morning.
By the time the train pulled into the Croton/Harmon station, and the young businessman got off, she realized she didn’t want to go home. At all.
The reticence struck her as a betrayal.
But if she was honest, heading toward White Caps made her feel as though she was strapping on a yoke. Or stepping into clothes that no longer fit. She didn’t want to go back to being the younger sister of super-competent Frankie. The sole keeper of Grand-Em. The one who’d missed and now worried so much about Alex. She didn’t want to be the good old reliable, never-ruffle-the-feathers, follow-the-rules, Joy Moorehouse.
She much preferred being a woman in the big city. Who was starting up a new business. Who was free to go where she wanted, when she wanted, without worrying about who would cover for her with an elderly person. She wanted to be that person who could tell Cassandra Cutler what would look good and be right about it. Who could find her way around New York and be comfortable in the back of a taxi all by herself.
Most of all, she wanted to go back to being a lover capable of making Gray Bennett burn until he lost his voice.
She buried her face in her hands, feeling selfish. Frankie had given up so much to become a parent after their mother and father had died. Grand-Em hadn’t asked to lose her faculties and she deserved to be cared for properly by someone who loved her as Joy did. And Alex needed support now, even if he shrank from it.
Maybe it wasn’t that she didn’t want to see her family. Maybe she just wanted them to see her in a different light.
Until recently, it was as if she’d gone through life as a kite in the wind. Tethered to her family, to White Caps, she’d skated this way and that, never choosing her direction, just responding to the currents. She’d taken business courses in college out of necessity, not because they interested her. She’d known the B&B was losing money and a practical major would mean she could get a higher-paying job and help out more. And while she was at UVM, she’d worked those jobs to save on living expenses, foregoing all that dating and partying. After graduation, she’d come home and cared for Grand-Em because their grandmother desperately needed help and there wasn’t enough income to support a nurse.
Put in that context, it seemed like designing a dress for Cassandra was the first thing she’d chosen to do.
Well, that and giving herself to Gray.
Chapter Eleven
WHEN THE TRAIN PULLED into the Albany station, Joy dreaded getting off. Leaving the railcar made her feel as though she were cutting ties with the new parts of herself she’d discovered down in the city.
But then she looked out of the window and saw Frankie.
Her sister was scanning the passengers as they disembarked onto the platform. Dressed in a pair of blue jeans and an Irish knit sweater so big it must have been Nate’s, she was so achingly familiar, so beautifully the same. She was home and comfort and stability.
Joy felt tears spike her lashes as she jostled her suitcase and portfolio down the aisle. How could she not want to be with her family? How could she even think of leaving them behind?
She blinked quickly, not wanting her emotions to show, but the instant Frankie made eye contact with her, Joy’s vision went blurry again.
Frankie came running up, all smiles as she reached out to take some of the luggage burden. “Hey! I’m so glad—what’s wrong?”
Joy put down her things and threw her arms around her sister. Frankie’s hug back was so like her. Strong, secure, warm. She smelled like Ivory soap and fresh air.
“Joy, are you okay?”
Oh, God, Frankie. I made love with a man for the first time while I was away. With Gray. I’m scared that I really do love him and I’m going to get my heart crushed.
And I’m learning things about myself that seem to take me away from you and Alex and Grand-Em. From everything I’ve always known.
I fear I don’t know who I am anymore. Or where I fit in. Or where I’m going.
“Joy?”
“I’m fine. Just glad to see you.” Joy pulled back and wiped her eyes. “Sorry.”
“For what?” Frankie bent down and picked up the suitcase. “There’s nothing wrong with leaking, you know.”
Joy grabbed the portfolio off the cement platform and followed her sister through the terminal. She took refuge in asking familiar questions. “How’s Grand-Em?”
“She’s doing so much better. I can’t believe it. She’s able to be still and occupied now for longer stretches of time. She can sit at the kitchen table and leaf through her diaries even while Nate’s making noise at the stove. As a matter of fact, he’s taken to watching her while he cooks and she seems to enjoy the smells in the kitchen.”
“That’s wonderful,” Joy said as they stepped outside. “Are there any side effects yet?”
“She gets drowsy about an hour after she takes the pill. But other than that, she seems to be adjusting fine.”
Joy felt some of her unease lift. If she was going to make those other dresses, she’d need to go back and forth to the city with some regularity. Her absences seemed more excusable if the burden on her family wasn’t as great.
“And Alex?”
Her sister grew quiet as they wound their way through the parking lot.
“Frankie? What about Alex?”
“He needs another operation on his leg.”
“Oh…God. When is he scheduled to go in?”
“This week.”
“I’m glad I came back.”
Frankie stopped in front of her old Honda Accord. “So am I. He’s—uh, he’s not doing too well. I’ve tried to talk with him so many times that he doesn’t hear me anymore. Maybe you can give it a shot. He’s barely eating anything and I know he doesn’t sleep because his light stays on all night. I want to get him to a grief counselor, but he just won’t have it.”
“I’m not surprised.”
“He did tell me he was happy you were coming home. I think he misses you. The two of you have always had that special connection.”
They got in and Frankie started the car. “Hey, did I tell you what happened to Stu?”
During the two-hour drive up into the Adirondacks, all sorts of Saranac Lake news was imparted, and as her sister talked, Joy found herself absorbing the landscape. Interstate 87, also known as the Northway, was a four-lane highway running up New York State’s vertical flank and it was familiar to her in the way only roads driven over when you were a child could be. She knew all the exits, all the grassy, tree-strewn medians, every mountain and body of water.
The deeper upstate they went, the more the restlessness she’d felt on the train drifted away, especially as they passed Glens Falls, the last enclave that could be considered a big-ish town. From then on, the exits got farther and farther apart. And she got closer and closer to home.
By the time they pulled up to White Caps, she was excited to be back. Looking forward to seeing Grand-Em. Eager to give Alex a hug, if he’d let her.
As she got out of the car, she took a deep breath. Cold, clean air shot into her sinuses, burning the lethargy of travel away. And it was so quiet that her soft sigh was loud enough to bring Frankie’s head around.
Joy looked to the left, down to the lake. The water was nearly still, the lakeshore breeze only teasing the red and orange leaves of the oaks by the dock.
“You seem glad to be back,” Frankie murmured.
“I am. Although part of me didn’t want to leave the city.”
“I can imagine. New York’s an electric kind of place.”
“Yes, it is.” Joy glanced at White Caps.
Through the kitchen’s picture window, she saw Nate and his best friend and sous chef, Spike, grinning like madmen while arguing over a steaming loaf of bread. All around them, everything in the room was as it always had been. The battered oak table was in the alcove, its matching chairs tucked under its flat back. There was a pile of mail on a counter next to some
Macintosh apples in a wooden bowl. African violets were lined up on the windowsills.
“It’s like I never left,” Joy whispered, wondering whether she would get sucked back into her old role and how much she would mind it.
“Let’s get inside,” Frankie said, lifting the suitcase out of the back seat. “It’s cold and you’ve only got that thin blazer on.”
The minute they walked into the house, the men cheered.
“Hey! It’s our world traveler,” Spike called out while walking around the island. The man was well over six feet tall with tattoos on his neck and a muscular build that made you want to stick on his good side. His jet-black hair was spiked off his scalp. Thus his name. And his clothes were all dark and loose.
His appearance was scary as hell. But as he looked at her, his smile was pure gold and his odd, yellow eyes held deep affection. Well, affection and the kind of territoriality she imagined pit bulls and mastiffs had in spades. She had every confidence that if anyone ever messed with her, Spike would take care of the problem. And then some.
He held out his arms. “Show us some love, baby girl.”
She laughed and gave him a hug. He always smelled good. Like clean laundry.
“Who’s your new friend?” she asked, nodding to the unfamiliar stove.
Nate winked at her in greeting. “Old one died three days ago. We were lucky to take this gal off the showroom floor, but I’m not sure she’s right for us.”
Spike shook his head. “That damn thing ruined my bread.”
“Yeah, the oven temperature’s uneven.”
“So tell us about the big city,” Spike said while pushing her down into a chair. A minute later he’d poured her some juice from the fridge and put a plate of homemade wheat crackers in front of her. “I made these this afternoon. I think you’ll like ’em.”
As she shared some of her adventures, Nate cooked up some beef stew while the four of them laughed and chatted. They were just sitting down to dinner when the phone rang.
“I’ll get it,” Frankie said, jogging out to the office. She came back, a curious expression on her face. “Joy, it’s for you. Gray Bennett.”
Joy covered up her blush by wiping her mouth with a napkin and hustling out of the kitchen. She straightened her shirt before picking up the phone.
“Hello?”
“Why didn’t you call me?” Gray demanded. Then he blew out a breath. “Sorry, that’s not the best way to start a conversation, is it?”
She laughed. “I was going to give you a ring after we finished dinner.”
“Was the trip okay?”
“Long. Gave me time to think.”
There was a pause. “That can be dangerous.”
“It wasn’t.”
“So what were you thinking of?”
Now it was her turn to be quiet. “Nothing important.”
Wimp, she thought.
“Actually, that’s not true,” she amended. “I was thinking about how much I liked being down in the city. Spending some time away from home was a good thing, although I’m happy to be back. Well, happy and a little disoriented.”
That’s enough, she thought. She was wading into the babbling pool and it was better not to go into all the other things she’d thought over. The things involving him.
“Joy?”
“Yes?”
“I miss you.” Before she could say anything, he went on. “I’ll let you get back to your family, but I’ll call you tomorrow.”
She hugged herself, feeling a kind of happiness that cut so deep she knew it was dangerous. She’d been worried he’d forget her when she left, but it sure didn’t sound as though he had. Of course, it had only been a matter of hours.
“I miss you, too, Gray.”
“Oh, and one more thing.”
“Yes?”
“See you in my dreams tonight,” he said with a husky drawl.
And then he hung up.
When she sat back down at the table, she couldn’t hide her grin, and conversation ground to a halt.
“What was that all about?” Frankie asked.
“Nothing.”
“Yeah, right,” Nate said, frowning. “Is Bennett making a play for you? ’Cause if he is, he better clean up his act.”
“I thought you liked him,” Joy murmured, smile fading.
“I do. I just know him too well. That man’s a menace with women.”
Joy played with her stew and thought about Gray’s frustrating self-control. “He’s been a real gentleman with me.”
And who’d have thought that’d be a pity?
Nate stared across the table at her, his eyes flashing all sorts of male protective stuff. “Well, if he behaves himself, I’ll let him keep his teeth.”
Spike crossed his thick arms and nodded. “Wise man’ll take you up on that offer. Dentures are rough and caps are expensive.”
Joy shook her head and laughed, but she didn’t get into bed with a smile on her face. Staring up at the ceiling, she wondered where Gray was and what he was doing. Somehow she couldn’t picture him out with another woman, but how much of that was just wishful thinking?
She was turning over when she heard a soft knocking.
“Hello?” she called out. The door opened, revealing a big, dark shape. “Alex?”
She sat up as her brother limped into the room. He was leaning heavily on his crutches, his shoulders cocked out of place from bearing his weight. He had on a Red Wings T-shirt and a pair of flannel pajama bottoms.
“Sorry if I woke you,” he said.
“I wasn’t sleeping. And even if I was, you can come in whenever—”
“I wanted to thank you for the gift. When I saw the book on the bureau, I figured it had to be from you.”
“You were asleep when I popped my head in. I didn’t know if you still liked Harry Potter or whether you’d read that one.”
“I do. And I didn’t have it. So thanks.”
“You’re welcome.”
He shuffled over to her worktable, staring down at the spools of thread and the pincushions. He reached out and picked up her pinking shears. “Tell me about the city.”
“It was wonderful.”
“Yeah? I was hoping you’d enjoy yourself. It’s about time.”
“And I have more clients now.”
“Good for you.” He put down the scissors, swaying a little on the crutches.
“Would you like to sit?” she asked.
He shook his head. “I’m trying to force myself to get up and around. Although this week is going to set me back again.”
“What are they going to do to you?” she whispered, her hand coming up to her throat.
“The titanium rod they put in to replace the bone isn’t taking. They’re going to try again. If it doesn’t work, I may be looking at amputation.”
Joy hissed. “Alex—”
“I haven’t told Frankie about that last part. Would appreciate if you didn’t mention it to her.”
She nodded. “Okay.”
“And I shouldn’t have told you. I guess I just wanted someone else to know. So not everyone would be knocked out if I come through this missing my lower leg.”
He moved slowly over to the window and stared out into the dense night.
“Alex, is there anything I can do?”
He was silent. When he finally spoke, his voice was so soft, she could barely make out the words.
“Tell me how she is.”
Joy leaned forward on the bed, as if she could better understand what he wanted if she were closer to him. “I’m sorry—who?”
There was a long pause. “Cassandra.”
Her brother’s back was rigid, his bunched shoulders set tight as the cast on his leg. The still silence of him told her how important any information about the widow was.
“She’s…ah, she’s…I don’t really know.” Joy shifted her legs up and put her arms around her knees. “I didn’t know her before and I don’t know her all that well now. She doesn’t sleep, I can tell you that. I’d hear her walking around the apartment at night. And I think she has to work at being social. Sometimes when we were out, I’d find her staring off into the crowd as if her body was in the room but she was somewhere else. And I caught her crying once. I got home early and she was out on the terrace, watching a cloud bank come in over the city. When she came back in, her eyes were red and she went into the library.”
