“See? You made him mad, Laura!”

  “What are you talking about? It’s because you wouldn’t listen to him!” The battle was joined again. As it raged on, Ichika returned with dessert.

  “Why don’t you two make up over this?” In his hands was a huge parfait, with two spoons stuck in it. “Orimura Ichika’s miracle jumbo parfait!”

  It was probably too much for just the two of them, honestly. Heaping portions of fresh fruit and a mountain of whipped cream. Chocolate sauce and strawberry jam. A total calorie bomb. Yet sweet enough for neither of them to care.

  “Have some. It’ll cheer you up,” he urged. Somehow, this was less than convincing.

  “Nah.”

  “I don’t want any.”

  Charlotte and Laura turned their noses up in indignation.

  As Ichika sighed, wondering how he was going to deal with this, Cecilia passed by.

  “Oh dear, Ichika. What seems to be the matter?” She was completely oblivious to what was going on. Which gave him an idea...

  “Cecilia, have this parfait.”

  “E-Eh? But I’m on a diet right now...” She shied away from the gigantic confection, but Ichika knew just how to cajole her. It just took a bit of sweet talk.

  “Huh, I don’t think you need to be on a diet,” he said. “Nothing wrong with some curves. Plus, I’ll feed it to you.”

  Scooping up some whipped cream in a spoon, he raised it to Cecilia’s mouth. A silvered tongue, an imposing presence, and special attention. The three ways to a maiden’s heart.

  “Very well, then!” As Cecilia’s lips wrapped around the spoon, Laura and Charlotte’s eyes narrowed.

  “Charl and Laura don’t seem to want any, so I guess it’s all yours. Say ‘ahh!’”

  “Ahh...” Cecilia was obviously enjoying this, and kept on eating.

  “Hey, hold on a—” As Charlotte started to object, Ling passed by too, and completely drowned her out.

  “Hold it right there! What are you two doing?! This is public indecency right here!”

  Ichika lifted a spoon to her as well. “Say ‘ahh.’”

  “Mmn... Glm.”

  “How is it?”

  “Ehh.” It was so sudden that Ling barely even tasted it. But she was beginning to appreciate this more assertive side of Ichika. “I want some of that apple.”

  “Sure, fine.”

  Ling pulled a slice of apple from the parfait and bit down.

  “I suppose I’ll try the kiwi, then,” Cecilia said.

  “Okay.” Ling and Cecilia, with Ichika’s help, were making short work of the fruit in the parfait. All Charlotte and Laura could do was look on, green with envy, as the corners of their lips became embarrassingly moist.

  “Ugh...”

  Still, though, neither was willing to show weakness in front of their rival. It was almost like Ichika was making a show of things to tease them for their stubbornness.

  “Here, Ling. Try some of the pineapple,” Ichika said.

  “Mm. I guess.”

  “Cecilia, the chocolate whipped cream is excellent.”

  “Of course! Thank you.”

  And then, the parfait was gone.

  “That was great.”

  “I simply must return the favor sometime.”

  Ling and Cecilia got in their last few moments of basking in the attention before leaving with self-satisfied grins.

  “I should head back to my room, too.” Ichika snuck a final glance at Charlotte and Laura.

  “Ichika, you...”

  “Me, what?”

  “You idiot!”

  Twin punches to the gut. And they fled while he was still writhing in pain.

  “Well... I guess I at least... Got them back on the same page...”

  With a thud, he crumpled to the ground.

  ◇

  “Ugh...” Ichika drifted back to consciousness in his own bed.

  As he wondered who’d carried him back to his room, Djibril, wearing her street clothes, stepped in. “So you’re awake now. I thought you had more in you than that, Orimura Ichika.”

  They may have been street clothes, but they were still snappy and stylish in a way girls his age could never pull off. A pantsuit. Pierced ears. Her IS was in standby mode as a sword on her hip. She looked, in a word, awesome.

  “Djibril? What are you doing here?”

  “Well, you know...”

  As she was about to explain, Iris wandered in. “Umm...”

  “Go ahead, Alice.”

  “Okay.” Lifting a package, she held it out to Ichika, her trepidation palpable. “I-I made cookies. I mean, it’s something I should know how to do as a normal girl.”

  “Wow! Homemade cookies?” She had bandages on her fingers where she must have burnt herself on the oven. “For me?”

  “No, I just— Well, yeah, for you, but— I need you to taste them to make sure they’re not poisoned!”

  How, exactly, something she made herself would be poisoned was a question that rose in Ichika’s mind, even though he decided not to press the issue. He unwrapped the package to find a pile of Dutch-style bitterkoekjes. They weren’t all the same shape, and some were done more than others, but it was the thought that counted.

  “Thanks, Alice. Guess I should make some tea, then.”

  “Huh? Wha? You’re going to have them now?”

  “It’s a great opportunity for a tea party. Don’t you think so, Djibril?”

  “Of course.”

  While Ichika was brewing the tea, Iris and Djibril whispered to each other.

  “Do you really think this will work?” Iris asked.

  “Of course it will! Do you even know how many men I’ve charmed by baking for them?”

  That was a lie. Djibril had spent an afternoon or two reading shoujo manga and, when she wasn’t clapping a hand over her mouth or both of her eyes, taking detailed notes. And, of course, she’d never baked anything herself... One supposes it’s never too late to start learning, though.

  “Alice, Djibril, tea’s ready.” With three full teacups on the table, it was time to finally try the cookies. “Let’s see how these came out.”

  Ichika took a bite... And immediately spit it out.

  “Phbbbtt! Y-You mixed up the sugar with the salt! And wait, did you use mayo instead of cream too?!” Ichika’s face was a sickly green, and Iris looked up at Djibril with watering eyes.

  “Orimura Ichika! How dare you insult Alice’s cookies!” They were her idea, so of course she’d try to deflect blame.

  “Seriously! Try one if you don’t believe me!”

  “Hmph! There’s no way they’re as bad as— Blech!” Djibril grabbed her tea and took a deep gulp as she spit the cookie out.

  Meanwhile, Iris was on the verge of tears. “I... I guess I’ll just throw them out...”

  As she stretched out her hand, though, Ichika and Djibril stopped her. They devoured the remaining cookies in a flash— Not least, to get the taste out of their mouths as quickly as possible.

  “Of, of course we’d eat your c-cookies, right?” Ichika asked, glancing at Djibril.

  “It’s, it’s the highest honor... Highest honor a knight could receive.”

  Sweat dripped down their brows.

  “You fools...” Iris was glad they were so concerned about her feelings, but also embarrassed at just what her mistake had brought about. That mix of emotions was definitely a step on the path to being a normal girl.

  “Thanks, Alice. I appreciate you making them.” As Ichika patted her head, Iris shyly looked away.

  “A-anyway. Ichika, can you go over some IS homework with me?”

  “Oh, right. They’re bumping you up to a first year right away, aren’t they. Yeah, I’ll help out.” Ichika wasn’t a particularly gifted student, but that didn’t mean he couldn’t provide some useful insight. “What with?”

  Iris, smiling, opened her textbook. “Right here! It’s about the theory and practical application of shield energy saturation. I’m still having a little trouble with it.”

  “Oh, yeah. I didn’t get that at all at first.” As he looked around for Djibril just in case, though, he noticed that she’d disappeared. “Huh? Where’d Djibril go?”

  “Dunno. Probably back to her room.”

  Ichika would never expect that Iris and Djibril had planned this.

  You two are alone together now, Alice. Good luck! There was a spring in her step as she walked down the hall back to her room. But unluckily for her, she encountered Maya on the way.

  “Oh, my! If it isn’t Djibril!”

  “Maya...”

  Maya leaned in with a mocking smile toward the 20-year-old second-time high schooler. “How is everything? Enjoying school life?”

  “Ugh... When you said we’d settle the score two years ago, I didn’t realize this is what you had in mind.”

  “You’re such a naughty student.” Maya chuckled. She leaned in and whispered in Djibril’s ear. “Come to my room later. I’ve got a bottle of the good stuff.”

  “...Understood.” As Djibril’s face flushed red, Maya happily skipped off. “Ugh, she’s still got me wrapped around her finger...”

  Djibril thought back to their school years. Maya may have grown up into a punctilious woman, but she had definitely had more than a whiff of the bohemian about her in her school days. It went without saying that Chifuyu had been a major influence behind that change.

  “Phew...” Djibril let out a deep, deep sigh.

  ◇

  “It’s already past ten. We should wrap things up for tonight, Alice.” As Ichika announced the end of her lesson, Iris fell silent, seeming strangely anxious. “Alice? You should probably head back to your room.”

  “Yeah... I guess...”

  “We’ve got a really, really terrifying RA here. If she catches you, she’ll put you through—”

  “Oh, really? Tell me more about this terrifying RA.” Ichika slowly turned his head toward the sudden new participant in the conversation— Chifuyu, her arms crossed, wearing a sweatsuit. “Orimura.”

  “Y-Yes!”

  “Just how many girls are you planning on luring back to your room this year, anyway? And a princess this time? Shameful.”

  A shiver went down his spine. He didn’t have the nerve to remind her that he had rarely had any say in the matter.

  “I-I’m not that kind of girl!” Iris glared at Chifuyu, some sort of determination obvious in her gaze.

  “Right. Whatever. De Luxembourg, you can sleep here tonight.”

  “Eh?!”

  “Really?!”

  It was hard to say whether Iris or Ichika was more surprised.

  “Don’t get me wrong. I said sleep. Not anything else.” With that said, Chifuyu departed, leaving the two to take in what was happening.

  “Um...” Ichika was the first to speak, as Iris’s nervousness had only increased.

  “Did you bring pajamas?” She shook her head from side to side. Thinking for a moment, he pulled out a freshly-cleaned shirt. “I guess you can wear this, then. You okay with that?”

  “Yeah...”

  Staying overnight in a boy’s room. Even sleeping in one of his shirts. It was just too much for her.

  “I’ve got a disposable toothbrush you can use. How about lotion and stuff? Do you want to go borrow some?”

  “No, one night will be fine. I’m still young.”

  Ichika wasn’t quite sure how to make sense out of that, but nodded along anyway. “Okay, then. I’ll wait in the hall while you change.”

  As a strange sense of déjà vu washed over him, Iris spoke up almost insistently, “No, it’s fine! You can stay right there!”

  “Huh?”

  “You helped me change before, right? So it’s fine!”

  Ichika stared at her, trying to remember, and as he did her face flushed red as she began to yell, “But turn around at least! Are you an idiot?!”

  “Oh, uh, sorry.” Turning to face the wall, he heard her clothes slide off. He hadn’t really thought through the implications before, but he was definitely thinking about them now. “Um...”

  “You can turn back around.”

  As he did, he caught just a glimpse of her white panties below his spare shirt.

  “You fool!” Nervously, she tugged the shirt’s hem down. Ichika couldn’t help but smile at how adorable the reaction was.

  “What?! What are you laughing about?!”

  “Honestly, you’re a lot cuter doing that than when you’re acting like a princess,” he said.

  “C-Cute?!” Iris stumbled over her words, not quite able to accept it but still happy to hear it.

  “Anyway, let’s get some sleep. You can use the bed by the window.”

  “Okay.”

  As they each got into bed, the lights turned out. But then, after lying silently for a while, Iris worked up her nerve and spoke up, “I... I want to sleep together...”

  “Whaa?” Ichika couldn’t imagine that ending well, but the idea of having a spoiled little sister like her was starting to take over his decision making. “Okay, but behave.”

  “Okay!”

  Through the darkness, Iris made her way to his bed. As she slipped under the covers, his broad shoulders, his body, head, and the sound of his breath all made her heart pound.

  “Oh my... Oh my, oh my...”

  “Mm?”

  “Um... Ichika... I feel so lonely with you facing away from me...”

  She really did sound so lonely that Ichika felt like he had no choice but to turn around and wrap his arms around her. “Like this?”

  “Ahh...!” Iris nodded nervously as she blushed bright red, and in response, Ichika patted her head. “You’re treating me like a little kid...”

  “What’s wrong with that?”

  “Hmph...”

  Iris must have been exhausted from studying, as it didn’t take her long to fall asleep. Sighing, Ichika patted her head again.

  “Good night, Alice.”

  Soon after, he fell asleep as well.

  ◇

  Iris yawned blearily, and then her eyes snapped wide open. Under the blankets, Ichika’s arms were still around her. She pinched herself to see if it was just a dream, and the pain was real. What’s going on? Why is Ichika... What on earth happened?!

  She still hadn’t woken up enough to remember the night before. Why was Ichika sharing a bed with her? Where was she? Her pulse raced at the warmth of Ichika’s body next to her. She was close enough to feel him breathe.

  “Ahhh...” Unsure of what to do, she curled up, her face crimson. But moments of bliss like this never last long.

  “Good morning, Alice. I came to— What?!” Djibril stepped into the room, only to find two people in one bed. It was too much for someone with so little experience with men to take, and she snapped. “Orimura Ichika! You, you—!”

  Tearing the covers off, she delivered a forceful kick to Ichika.

  “Grrrrrah!” He rolled to the wall, making a noise like an accidentally-stepped-on cat.

  “Death, death to you! I’ll take your head myself!” Djibril unsheathed her sword, the standby mode of her IS. The Imperial Knight had once been a bracelet in standby mode, but upon attaining Second Shift a year before had changed form into a blade. And now that blade thrust toward Ichika.

  “W-W-W-Wait!” Iris cried out.

  “Alice! Why stop me?! After what this man has done to you...”

  “I-I forgive him!” Her face was red as she almost yelled.

  “...What?” Djibril and Ichika’s heads both slowly turned toward her.

  “We-We’re like that now! Even Orimura Chifuyu approved!”

  “...Huh?” Djibril was as stunned as Ichika was. Not to mention the girls from neighboring rooms who had turned out to see what the commotion was.

  “I, I’m going to marry Ichika!” The world faded to white around Djibril. Meanwhile, Ichika had no idea what was going on. But the other girls sure did.

  “Has Orimura’s time finally come?!”

  “Is this the end of the Orimura harem?!”

  “No! Long live the Orimura Kingdom!”

  “Long live our fatherland!”

  If he had thought he was confused before, this put him on a whole other level. And then, the other cadets overheard. Thus began Ichika’s descent into hell.

  ◇

  The scene: the largest table in the dining hall at breakfast. Ichika was strapped to a guillotine as the cadets conducted a witch trial. (There were centuries of precedent for calling it a witch trial even if the accused was a man. Which didn’t make a huge amount of sense, really, but who are we to argue?)

  “My neck hurts...” Ichika exclaimed bluntly.

  “Is that all you have to say for yourself?!” Houki unsheathed her katana. One way or the other, his goose was cooked.

  “What is the meaning of this, Ichika?! Explain yourself!” Cecilia was beside herself with rage, charging her sniper rifle even as she spoke.

  “I thought we settled this already!” Ling gave Ichika a swift kick to the rear. With the leg parts of her IS opened, it hurt. A lot.

  “So, Ichika, would you rather the pile bunker or the shotgun? I’ll let you pick.” Charlotte was grinning from ear to ear even as she hefted a weapon in each hand.

  “I’ve heard a faithless bride is a groom’s failure, but I wasn’t expecting you to prove it.” Laura pressed the muzzle of her meter Mauser to his temple, her face contorted with stress.

  “Time to die, Ichika...” Kanzashi sawed at the guillotine’s rope, her expression terrifyingly blank.

  “I’m disappointed in you, Ichika. And is it just me or is it getting hot in here?” Tatenashi gritted her teeth as she spread Mysterious Lady’s nanomachines, veins bulging on her forehead.

  “Please, listen!” Ichika cried.

  “Mmhm?” The girls leaned in to listen.

  “Sure, Alice stayed in my room last night,” he said.

  “Yeah.”

  “Sure, she slept there.”

  “That’s the problem!”

  Ichika’s seeming inability to understand the situation had them at wit’s end.

  “Why was she even in your room, never mind sleeping there?!”

  “I have no idea!” he pleaded.

  “You should die for this, Ichika!”

 

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