Everything But You: Newberry Springs Book 3 (Newberry Springs Series), page 5
“Don’t, Shauna,” he says through clenched teeth as I retract my hand. “I-I gotta go.”
“I’m glad we got to catch up,” I offer, trying to end things on good terms.
“Yeah. It was . . . eye-opening.”
“I’m proud of you,” I tell him. “I always knew you’d be successful, even after your injury. You should be proud.”
That was the injury that prompted him to drop out of college because he couldn’t play football anymore, the one that pushed him to fly to Las Vegas just a week later and ask me to go back to Texas with him.
“I didn’t really have a choice, did I? This isn’t the life I envisioned for myself, but it’s the one I have now, and I am proud. I’ve worked my ass off to make something of myself. I just hope you’re happy in your life, too.” He darts his eyes down to my ring once again and stares at it. “Just for the record, I never would have kept you waiting.” And with one final lift of the corner of his mouth, giving me just a glimpse of a smile that could only be described as sad, he turns and stalks toward the exit, and once again, I’m left watching him walk away.
Only this time, the overwhelming urge to go after him is even stronger than before.
Age Nineteen
“So What” by Pink blasts through my iPod dock as I chew on the end of my pen cap and stare at the same page I’ve been reading for the past ten minutes. This psychology class is kicking my butt, but I’ve been studying for the past two hours, and I think my brain is finally fried. I’m never going to make the material stick like this, so I might as well take a break and try one last cram session in the morning.
I glance over at the clock and see it’s after ten. I never ate dinner, and my stomach decides to grumble at just that moment, signaling that it’s time for food.
I hop off my bed in my studio apartment and take three steps, crossing over into my kitchen just as a knock sounds at my door. My best friend since last year, Willow, said she might stop over tonight since I ditched her for my textbooks. But when I open the door, nothing could have prepared me for the person standing on the other side.
Dressed in dark denim jeans and a plain white tee, his hair in utter disarray, is Forrest. But he’s supposed to be back in Texas—not here.
“Shauna,” he breathes out, clearly distressed with bags under his eyes. He looks like he hasn’t slept in days.
“Forrest? What the hell are you doing here?”
“I had to come see you. I can’t . . . I can’t do this anymore.”
He and I haven’t spoken in a few days, but he wasn’t set to come out to Vegas for another three weeks. So why on earth is he here now?
“Is everything okay? Did something happen?” I hold the door open further for him, and he rushes inside, yanking on his hair and breathing heavily. He honestly looks like he’s about to have a panic attack or try to climb the walls.
“Yes, something happened,” he finally replies, standing tall now and looking me dead in the eye. “I left Texas A&M.”
My stomach drops. “What? Why?”
“I got injured. I can’t play football anymore, so I said fuck classes. I don’t need a degree. But you know what? I don’t even care about school anymore. I don’t care about any of that because the only thing that has mattered and will ever matter in my life is you.”
My mouth falls open. “Forrest . . .” I bring my hands together, placing them in front of my lips as my body threatens to collapse.
He shouldn’t be here. I can’t do this again. Saying goodbye to him the first time was hard enough, but things have changed even more now. My dad’s health has taken a turn. My mother is set to come out here in a few days so I can tell her everything.
I can’t have Forrest here, too. It’s just too much.
“I’m miserable without you, Shauna.” He closes the distance between us, standing right before me now but not touching me. I feel locked in place by the intensity of his eyes, and I can’t look away as the reality of him being here hasn’t registered yet. “I know you ultimately came here because of your scholarship, and you assured me that long distance wouldn’t be that big of a deal, but I know what I want. I’ve always known. It’s you. I want you to come home with me.”
Sighing, I drop my hands and take a step back, needing space between us again. His showing up like this is throwing me for a loop worse than my psychology textbook was just moments ago. “Forrest, I’m not sure what you thought was going to happen with you coming here, but nothing has changed for me. I’m a year and a half into my degree. If I leave now, I have to pay back the scholarship money, and . . . I’ve made a life here.”
He winces like he just got stabbed in the ribs. “How has nothing changed? I feel like everything has. What about our life together? The plans that we made? I love you, Shauna. I’ve been a mess without you. Nothing matters if I don’t have you next to me. Do you hear me?”
“And don’t you think that’s a problem, Forrest? That so much of your happiness is dependent on me?” I shout, throwing my hands in the air. I’m honored that he loves me, but sometimes it feels suffocating. He makes it hard for me to think rationally, and right now, my thoughts are on so many other things.
Perhaps that’s unfair to him as well.
“No!” he yells back. “I think that means I love you and know that you are the woman I’m supposed to be with! Being apart is too hard!”
“I don’t know what you want me to say. We’re knee deep in the decisions we made a year and a half ago, Forrest. I can’t just leave.”
“Then what if I came here?” he asks, throwing me for a loop.
“What?”
Reaching for my hands, he clasps them between his own and lowers his voice. “What if I moved to Vegas? I can get a job, wait for you to finish your degree, and then we can move back together.”
“I can’t ask you to do that!”
“You’re not asking, I’m offering. I’ll stay, wait for you—”
“My dad has Parkinson’s disease!” I shout loud enough for the whole building to hear. But it’s out there, the secret I’ve been keeping from Forrest and my mother—the reason I’m not going anywhere.
Forrest’s mouth drops open, and then his brows draw together. “What the hell are you talking about?”
“That’s why I came out here, Forrest. My dad . . . he lives here now. I reconnected with him just before we graduated, and he wanted a chance to get to know me. He’s not the man my mother painted him to be,” I start, but Forrest’s scowl is growing by the second.
“You’ve been talking to your dad . . . and you didn’t tell me?” The hurt that laces his words is worse than I feared it would be. He drops my hands and then says, “Why? Why wouldn’t you tell me something like that?”
“Because I didn’t want you to feel like I chose him over you,” I admit.
“But you did.” He rears back. “Instead of being with me, you chose a man who left when you were three, a man who showed no interest in being a part of your life.”
“But he did. My mother never told me, but he tried to reach out to her once he realized his mistakes.” I shake my head as tears build. “I can’t expect you to understand, Forrest, which is why I didn’t tell you about it. But he didn’t cheat on my mom like she said. He found out about his diagnosis and lied to her. He didn’t want us to watch him deteriorate, to become a shadow of the man he was. But now he’s deteriorating quickly, and . . . he has cancer.”
Forrest blows out a breath and runs a hand through his hair. “I’m sorry, Shauna. I’m sorry that his health is so shitty. But I can’t believe you lied to me, that you kept something like this from me.” He points a finger at his chest. “I’m supposed to be the person you tell everything to. And instead of letting me be there for you, you pushed me away, lied, and moved hundreds of miles away from me without telling me the real reason why.”
Tears fall freely down my cheeks now. I hate that I’ve hurt him, but it was inevitable. At least now he knows the truth. “I’m sorry, but I knew you’d follow me. You deserved to play football, to bask in what you earned. You deserved to stay close to your family. I wasn’t about to take you away from that when I had no idea what was going to happen when I got out here.”
He glares at me and then says, “Well, you took me away from it all, anyway.” And then he follows up with “Does your mom know why you’re here?”
“She’s coming out here in a few days. I’m going to tell her everything then,” I reply. “I’m mad at her, too, for keeping him from me. We . . . we have a lot of things to work out.”
He nods, staring down at the floor. “Yeah, you do.”
“And as hard as it is for me to say this, I need to focus on my family right now, Forrest. I want to know that I’m making the right decision for my life so I don’t live with regrets and resentment. I love you, I still do. But I tried to tell you I needed this space, this time, and it seems to me like you still aren’t listening.”
“Because I’m aching, Shauna.” His voice cracks as he pounds his chest with his fist. “My heart is fucking bleeding and broken, and you’re the only one who can fix it.”
Tears build in my eyes as I watch the boy I love break apart in front of me all over again. God, the last thing I wanted to do was hurt him, but I can’t go back now. I have to keep moving forward, even if that means hurting us both.
“I’m sorry, Forrest,” I say, the vision of him standing before me growing more fuzzy as tears fill my eyes and flow down my cheeks. “But I can’t be the one to fix you, not when I’m broken right now, too. I have to focus on me, my dad and my mom, my family, what I want, what I need . . . and I need you to respect that.”
“So what do you want, Shauna?” he asks desperately. “Just say the word, and I’ll give it to you.”
“That’s the thing, Forrest,” I whisper because I don’t want this next part to hurt him even more. But he needs to hear it, and it’s the truth. “I don’t know yet, but I don’t think that you’re the person who can give that to me. It’s unfair of me to ask you to.”
He takes in a trembling breath, shaking his head from side to side. “So that’s it?” His hands fly up in the air as a tear trails down his face.
“I’m sorry you came all this way . . . truly.” I clasp my hands over my heart. “But this is the end, Forrest. I’m not going back.”
“Fuck!” he shouts, staring up at the ceiling, yanking on his hair again. “God, I can’t fucking do this,” he mumbles now as I stand there, wondering if he’s truly going to be okay. I hate that I’ve caused him pain, but I have to stay strong. I don’t want to resent him down the line. I don’t want to resent myself.
“Are you going to be okay?”
His eyes slice right through me as he brushes away another tear. “I guess I don’t have a fucking choice, do I?” He stalks toward the door, and my heart lurches like I want to go after him. The tug of war going on between my heart and my head right now is giving me whiplash.
I love this man. Ever since he looked at me that first day, I knew he’d own a piece of my heart. And he still does. But right now I need to own the rest. I need to find out who I am and what I want without worrying about his feelings as well.
And I refuse to sacrifice this time with my dad when every moment is precious.
“I’m sorry, Forrest.”
“Yeah, me, too, Shauna. I’m sorry you felt like you had to choose . . . because I never would have asked you to,” he says, yanking the door open and slamming it shut behind him as I drop to my knees and begin to sob—because I want to go after him, but I can’t.
I hope one day he can learn to forgive me for giving us what we both need: a chance to live without me being the center of his universe and him being the center of mine. Even if mine doesn’t feel like it’s spinning anymore.
CHAPTER THREE
Forrest
Present Day, Two Weeks Later
“Stupid fucking desk!” My voice echoes off the walls of my office as I shove the hunk of wood out of my way after stubbing my toe on it for the third time today.
“Do I need to put you in a timeout?” Jill asks from behind me. I close my eyes, take in a few deep breaths, and then slowly twist to face her.
“Yes. I need a timeout from work, life, and my mind. Can you do that for me?”
“I mean . . . it might cost you,” she teases, winking at me for good measure.
“Name it, and it’s yours.” I cast my arms out to the sides, wishing that this woman really could shut off my brain for me right now. There’s not a price I wouldn’t pay for some mental peace, but sadly, I know no one else can fix my thoughts but me.
“What’s going on, Forrest? You’ve been on edge all week.” She moves like she’s going to shut the door behind her, but then my phone rings.
“Fuck.” I stare down at the screen, watching Walker’s name flash across it. He rarely calls me because he knows I end up hanging up on him half the time, but he’s had a rough few weeks, so who knows what he might need right now. And hey, maybe he has some job for me that will be just the distraction I need to keep my mind off the fact that Shauna is getting married this weekend. “I’ve got to take this, Jill.”
“Okay. But if you want to leave early, I can cover for you. You don’t have any more meetings today, either. Maybe hit the gym and take your shitty mood out on a punching bag, yeah?” she suggests.
“I’m giving you a raise.” I call out to her. She gives me a thumbs up over her shoulder as she walks out of my office, and then I answer Walker’s call before it stops ringing and I have to call him back. “What’s up?”
“Hey. You busy?”
“Not really. I was actually planning on getting out of here early.”
“You? Leave work early? Are you running a fever?”
“Fuck off. Now I suggest you tell me why you called before I hang up on you.”
His laugh filters through the line. “Easy, big brother. Take a chill pill.” I roll my eyes. “I was just calling to remind you about dinner tomorrow at the ranch. John’s parents are coming by for their first visitation with Kaydence, and Mom wants to make sure the whole family is there.”
I pinch the bridge of my nose. Fuck. The last thing I want to do is put on a face in front of people. My anger is practically wafting off of me right now. I’m not in the right headspace to smile and pretend like everything is fucking okay. But after the custody battle Walker and Evelyn have been through with Schmitty’s parents, I know he needs everyone there to support them.
Jesus, why did my brothers have to go and get married and become all domesticated and shit?
Shauna’s words from our reunion in Vegas ring out in my mind at that moment. Maybe they’re in love . . .
Shit. Like I needed another reminder of her, let alone one in which she’s absolutely right. Hell, before she and I broke up, I was exactly how my brothers are now—obsessed with the woman who let me call her mine.
But now she’s about to be someone else’s.
“Hello? Forrest? Did you have a coronary embolism over there? Or did you finally take a vow of silence?”
“Shut up, fuckface. I’ll be there.” Begrudgingly, but I’ll go because that’s what I’ve signed up for.
“Are you gonna pull the stick out of your ass before you show up?”
“Nope. I’m gonna leave it there and ask you to pull it out for me.”
“Hate to inform you, but I wouldn’t touch your ass with a ten-foot pole, even if you’re my brother.”
“Good to know.”
“Dinner is at six, but Mom wants everyone there by four.”
“Fine.”
“Nice talk. I can feel all the love through the phone,” he snipes back, sighing. “Just don’t forget, please.”
“I won’t, Walker. I’ll be there.”
“Thanks. See you tomorrow.”
When we hang up, I shove my phone in my pocket, grab my keys, and race out of the office like my ass is on fire. I know Jill suggested taking out my aggression on a punching bag, but I’m pretty sure my good friend, Jack Daniels, will offer an even better type of reprieve from my anguish, which is what I need right now—numbness and the ability to stop thinking.
So I stop at my favorite watering hole on the edge of town, The Tipsy Cow, and drown my feelings in a few glasses of whiskey—and by a few, I mean enough to not remember how the fuck I got home that night.
“Dumbass.” Groaning, I drain the last part of the Gatorade I picked up at the gas station on the way to my parents’ ranch and toss the empty bottle on the floorboard as I curse myself.
Nothing like a little self-loathing to make me feel better about myself.
Jack Daniels reminded me last night that although he likes to help me forget, he also doesn’t leave my system until a day or two after our rendezvous, and right now, I desperately want to go back to bed and sleep the rest of this hangover off.
Morty, one of the bartenders, apparently called me an Uber to take me home last night since I was way beyond able to drive, so I had to take one back this morning to pick up my truck from the parking lot. Even after a shower and some greasy food, I can still smell the alcohol coming out of my pores, but it’s too late to do anything about it now. Though I’m not sure the smell I’m picking up is the remnants of my hangover or my pathetic desperation.
After I woke up this morning, I made the idiotic mistake of creating a Facebook profile to stalk my ex. I went fifteen years without doing such a thing, but knowing that she’s getting married tomorrow is fucking with my head. I wanted to see if she’s shared the impending nuptials with the world. Honestly, I don’t know how any other social media bullshit works because I never got into any of that. I knew if I did, I’d be tempted to keep tabs on her, and I didn’t want that temptation—even though I know that avoiding stalking her online never kept her from ruling my mind.
I couldn’t see much since her profile is private, whatever the fuck that means. But she had some information on her page about where she works, so I started my detective work there. Shauna has been working at Ember & Stone Events for the past five years as one of their top-tier wedding planners. Her bio on their website boasted about her accomplishments, but that was all I could gather from there.
