“Psychology. But I didn’t finish. Your brother Derek kind of derailed that.”

  “So maybe you can finish now.”

  “Good God! Are you crazy? I can’t go back to school.”

  “Why not?”

  “I’m forty-eight years old.”

  “So?”

  Nancy tried to refute the thought but the words wouldn’t come.

  “Don’t worry,” Caitlin said. “You don’t have to decide right now, or even tomorrow. Just think about what you want to do. You’ve given me and Nick and Suzie, and probably Derek too, that speech plenty of times. Well, it’s your turn now. What do you want to do when you grow up, Mom?”

  Slowly the fear in her eyes faded and her smile lit up her entire face.

  “There she is,” Caitlin said. “The mom that I love.”

  Nancy shook her head gently. “Thank you,” she said. “Thank you for believing in me.”

  Caitlin gave her mother a kiss. “Believe in yourself, young lady, and the world will be yours.”

  “My, you’re sure taking to that poetry.”

  * * *

  During March break Nadia kept trying to add to her poem, but the words weren’t coming. If this was writer’s block, she understood why writers hated it.

  Nadia worked things out with Caitlin, and she’d invited her over, but her cousin wanted to stay close to home, close to her mom.

  Funny how much Caitlin cared about her mother when most of the time Nadia found her mom annoying—a straightjacket she couldn’t get out of.

  Sure, she loved her parents, but they still treated her like she was five, like they needed to overprotect her.

  She needed personal space.

  And a little trust.

  Not like she did anything some of the other kids her age did, like drinking, and some even had sex already. Sure, her attitude might be a little defiant, pushing the limits, but she was only trying to figure out who she was.

  Nadia looked around her room. On her wall she had replaced the posters of Justin Bieber with Kurt Cobain and Green Day and Blink 182. In her bookshelf she could see Harry Potter books she’d read three years ago, devouring them like cotton candy. Last year it had been Twilight. Now she was halfway through Mockingjay.

  She loved reading.

  Maybe someday she’d write a novel. She knew her dad was writing one, or at least trying to when he wanted a break from his woodworking. That kept him pretty busy, though. People really liked the furniture that he built.

  Every piece of furniture in her room was beautiful and unique. She guessed she’d gotten so used to them that she took it for granted how nice they were. Caitlin commented enough times how much she liked her bed and dresser and night table, but for Nadia it was just her bed and dresser and night table. No different to her than if it had been store-bought.

  She ran her fingers along the grooves in the drawer front and really looked at the beauty of the wood, and she got why Caitlin loved her furniture so much.

  Familiarity had turned them into background props, uninteresting and filling a simple decorative purpose.

  Maybe she should tell her dad that she was grateful for the things he built for her, and the things he did for her. He’d given up his job to stay home with her when she was a baby, and then he’d launched his custom furniture business when she’d started school so that he could still be home for her. Her dad being home had been what she’d known, what she’d thought was normal, until she went to school and found out that everyone else had their mom at home, not their dad.

  That just seemed weird to her.

  Her mom worked. Her dad took care of her. Eventually, she’d learned that her family was different and she had liked that. She liked being different.

  Unique.

  Like her bedroom furniture.

  Like her parents.

  Deep down she knew she loved them, and she understood that whatever they did was to make sure she was cared for. And maybe she gave them a hard time much too often, and most times she didn’t mean to. Her emotions were erratic lately, especially since she’d fallen for Spike. And of course, she knew in her head that he was too old, that her parents would never let her date a guy that was practically an adult, but her heart didn’t care. Her heart wanted what her brain tried to deny her.

  It was a battle she couldn’t win, unlike Harry Potter vs Voldemort, Katniss Everdeen against The Capitol. She was more like Bella wanting Edward, who was unattainable.

  Unless she did the unthinkable.

  Nadia didn’t even have that option.

  Suddenly her fingers flew over her laptop keyboard as if something possessed them, and when she was done she sat back and read the words she’d given life to:

  My heart beating so hard for him

  I run away to hide my tears

  Bury my pain in the shame of my feelings

  I hate being like this

  Her finger hovered over the delete key but then a knock on her bedroom door made her pull it away.

  “Hey munchkin,” her dad said. That he still called her that at fourteen was weird and annoying but also sort of endearing. “I’ve got to run out and get a few things for the shop. Need anything?”

  “I’m good.”

  “Want to tag along, get some fresh air?”

  She shook her head. “Nah.”

  “You chatting online?”

  “Yeah.”

  “Okay. I’ll see you in a bit.”

  Once her dad left, Nadia reread what she’d written and it didn’t seem so horrible. But nothing else came to mind so she put her laptop aside.

  * * *

  The first day back to school after March break was warm and sunny, well above freezing; everyone believed that winter was finally done for another year. It had been a long winter.

  But late March snowstorms were not unheard of.

  Kids hung around outside to catch up, complain about the break being over already, and discuss plans for summer even if it was three months away.

  “Ready?” Caitlin said.

  “I can’t wait to be done,” Nadia said. “At least next year we’re going to be true high-schoolers.”

  “Let’s first get through the rest of this year,” Nadia said. “Without anything else crazy happening.”

  “How’re things at home?”

  “Mom seems better. Most days. My dad is basically the only real boyfriend she had before they got married. I think she’s scared a bit to be single.”

  “Yeah, I guess we never think of our parents in that way.”

  “It’s hard to imagine them our age. She was fifteen when she and Dad started to date.”

  “That’s nuts.”

  “I know, right?”

  “That’d be like me and Spike starting to date next year and being together when we’re your mom’s age.”

  Caitlin felt her temper stir inside of her. Why did Nadia always turn things back to Spike? The guy was not in the picture and never would be. She was really tired of her cousin’s obsession.

  “Seems hard to believe,” she finally said, hoping Nadia would get the double meaning. “We better get inside. Classes are about to start.”

  As they made their way up the stairs to their lockers, Caitlin noticed Nadia staring down and across the atrium, and she wasn’t surprised to find the cause of her ire: Spike.

  Truthfully, she didn’t really know why she disliked him so much, other than that he was stealing her cousin’s attention away from her, and to be honest, she was a bit jealous.

  She and Nadia had a very close relationship, and this was the first indication of what it might be like in the future, when life pulled them in opposite directions.

  That’s something she really wasn’t ready to deal with.

  * * *

  Nadia noticed Caitlin going all quiet on her because she’d been looking over where Spike was standing with his friends. She didn’t understand why it bothered her cousin so much.

  Not like she wouldn’t speak to Caitlin again if she got in with Spike somehow. He only had three more months at their school, but that was still three months and anything could happen in that time.

  Anything at all.

  But there was his girlfriend.

  The girl was rather scary and Nadia couldn’t scrap to save herself. It really was hopeless. She should just forget about him. It was the right thing to do.

  But was it so wrong to dream a little? Have a crush for a while? Last year she’d had a thing for Justin Bieber.

  Both she and Caitlin had.

  Sure, this was sort of different because Spike was in the same school, but in the end, it wasn’t. Summer would come and her infatuation would wither and die, most likely, and come next September it would be old news. Something they’d probably laugh about.

  But not now. Now she was too close to the moment, a moment that was real to her.

  “Hey,” Caitlin said and grabbed her hand. “You can drool over Mr. Rockstar later. We’re going to be late.”

  “Please don’t hate me,” Nadia said.

  “I don’t hate you. I guess I feel a bit jealous . . . and afraid of losing you.”

  “You won’t lose me. Ever.”

  They were at the top of the stairwell now and kids had to walk around them. A few gave them dirty looks and rude remarks to get out of the way.

  “We don’t know that. What if I get a job in Toronto someday, or you go off to Vancouver like Uncle Brad did to go to school and never came back?”

  “We’re always going to be cousins,” Nadia said. “No matter where we live. You’re never getting rid of me even if you tried.”

  “Promise?”

  “Nothing will ever separate us. I promise.”

  They hugged. And then hurried because the first bell had just rung. They had five minutes before the start of class.

  * * *

  For her fourteenth birthday all Caitlin wanted was to have a few friends over for a sleepover. And since her birthday fell on a Saturday this year, she was able to have her party on the actual day.

  Nadia was there, and a few long-time friends, kids they’d known since senior kindergarten and grade one, like Mary Bradford, Aimee Racine, Jodie Vanderbilt, and Kristen Petrovich. They ate pizza and chocolate cake, and then crashed in the rec room in the basement to watch movies and gossip. They talked about anyone that wasn’t there, dissed them if they deserved it, ventured into the latest fashion, what new actor was hot and who wasn’t, and by ten o’clock they settled down to watch Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides on the movie channel.

  Nancy made popcorn and brought it down to them with a few cold pops, and the girls devoured the snack in no time.

  “Johnny Depp is hot,” Kristen said.

  “But he’s old,” Aimee retorted.

  “I don’t care,” Kristen said. “He’s still hot in a weird old kind of way.”

  “I think Penelope Cruz and Astrid Berges-Frisbey are very pretty,” Jodie said. “Wish I was that pretty.”

  “You’re gorgeous,” Mary said in a fake English accent and gave her a double air kiss on each cheek. “Just gorgeous.”

  “Sam Claflin is definitely a hottie,” Caitlin said.

  All the girls agreed, except for Nadia. She’d gotten a little quiet but Caitlin left her alone. This was her birthday party and she wanted no mention of who Nadia thought was a hottie.

  Three months before the end of school. Three months before her cousin could forget about him. Three months seemed like an impossibly long time.

  But tonight, Caitlin was fourteen and she was having fun and that’s all that mattered.

  “Can you pause it?’ Aimee said. “I’ve got to go pee.”

  “Yeah, me too,” Kristen said. “I’ll go use the powder room upstairs.”

  It was almost eleven thirty, and the movie was getting near the end. The girls were in pyjamas, lying on air mattresses and sleeping bags. The wood stove was going and Caitlin put another log in, the way her mom had showed her.

  “Where’s Kristen?” Aimee said when she came back.

  “Still upstairs,” Jodie said.

  The basement door closed and the stairs squealed under someone’s feet. Kristen had a big grin on her face.

  “Must have been some pee,” Mary said.

  Kristen didn’t say anything right away and plopped down on the mattress beside Caitlin. “Your brother’s kind of cute,” she said.

  Caitlin slapped her arm. “Eww, please tell me you don’t have a thing for him.”

  “Come on,” Kristen said, looking at the others. “Anyone here not agree with me?”

  They all looked at each other, and then heads started to nod.

  “Really?” Caitlin said. “You all think Nick is hot? Nad, help me here.”

  Nadia was pulled from her thoughts, and then she too started to nod. “He’s my cousin and all, but he’s a good-looking guy.”

  “I guess,” Caitlin finally said. “But he’s too old for all of you. He’ll be seventeen soon.”

  “By the time we’re twenty he’ll only be twenty-three,” Kristen said. “And that’s nothing. My mom is seven years younger than my dad.”

  “Mine is five,” Mary said.

  “Mine is ten,” Jodie said.

  “Seriously?” Caitlin said.

  “Yeah, my dad was married before my mom but his first wife died of cancer when she was just twenty-five.”

  “That sucks,” Aimee said. “But you wouldn’t be here if she hadn’t.”

  “I know,” Jodie said. “Weird how someone dying was the reason I was born. Life can be really strange sometimes.”

  “We never know when things are going to happen,” Kristen said. “People die every day.”

  “Okay, this is getting real depressing for my party,” Caitlin said. “Let’s just watch the rest of the movie.”

  By quarter to two everyone was yawning like crazy, so Caitlin turned off the television and they chatted a bit, and one by one they fell asleep.

  * * *

  Nadia listened to the deep breathing of five people sleeping, her mind unable to settle down. She wasn’t thinking about Spike. She was thinking about what Kristen had said—that people died every day—and she couldn’t let that go.

  What if her parents died, like her dad’s parents had died when he was just six?

  What if one of her friends died?

  What if Caitlin died?

  What if she died?

  Accidents happened every day. Murders happened every day. Terrorists killed people every day.

  She shivered.

  The dampness in the basement had settled into her bones and she couldn’t get warm. The fire was almost out and barely lit the room and definitely had no warmth. If it weren’t for the night light in the bathroom the basement would be pitch black.

  “Hey,” Caitlin whispered. “You okay?”

  “I’m a bit cold.”

  “I can put another log in.”

  “You’ll wake up the dead,” she said and regretted her choice of words. “Guess that’s what’s keeping me awake.”

  “The dead?”

  “What Kristen said before they all fell asleep,” she said. “About people dying.”

  “We went all over the place with our conversation tonight,” Caitlin said. “We’re just being stupid.”

  “No, but it’s true.”

  “Yeah but don’t let it keep you up.”

  “Don’t you ever think about it?” she said.

  “Dying? No. Not really.”

  “I guess I haven’t either, really,” Nadia said. “But maybe I should. I never met my other grandparents. They died when my dad was just a kid. How hard that must have been for him, to grow up alone. He did have my great-grandparents, but still, that would be like us being raised by Nana and Granddad.”

  “No thanks,” Caitlin said. “Well, Nana would be fine, but Granddad? My dad is tough enough. I don’t need Granddad.”

  “You think that’s why my mom and your dad are the way they are? Because of him?”

  “You mean like super strict?”

  “Yeah.”

  “I suppose,” Caitlin said. “But Nana isn’t like that so I don’t know.”

  “Yeah, I don’t know either.”

  They stayed silent for a moment, the dying fire hissing quietly. One of the girls stirred, moaned, and fell silent again.

  “Did you have fun?” Caitlin said. “You didn’t seem to be.”

  Nadia reached for her hand and squeezed. “I did. It was just hard to get into it when they started to talk about cute guys and all.”

  “He’s not your boyfriend. Not like you’d be cheating.”

  “I know,” Nadia said. “I know I’m being a total stupid idiot. I’m really starting to hate feeling like this, so not in control of my feelings. Have you ever had a super crush like this?”

  “You know I haven’t. You’d be first to know.”

  “I guess so,” Nadia said. “I’ll make it up to you. I promise. Soon as it’s over.”

  “You make it sound like you have the flu.”

  “I honestly think that’s what it is,” Nadia said. “I’m delirious with fever for some guy that wouldn’t care if I died.”

  “Don’t say that,” Caitlin said. “I’d care.”

  “I know you would, but he wouldn’t. I’m really dumb. But I can’t help it. When I’m alone, I just get all depressed and think about him and how great it would be to kiss him and stuff.”

  “Stuff?”

  “Not that stuff,” Nadia said. “I just mean stuff like him holding me, like, feel his arms around me. Us walking in school holding hands and everyone wanting to be me.”

  “Someday you will have that with the right guy,” Caitlin said. “We both will.”

  “I know.”

  “Give it time. We’re young. It will happen.”

  “I know you’re right,” Nadia said and rolled on her side to look at Caitlin. “You know, like a hundred years ago or so, girls our age were getting married and having babies.”

  “Uh, no thanks.”

  “Crazy, right?”

  “I wouldn’t want to live in those times,” Caitlin said.

 

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