Broken Hearts, page 4
During the scene where the character played by Jennifer Garner finds out the doctor she’s fallen in love with is married, Nancy excused herself.
“Mom, you okay?” Caitlin said, standing outside her mother’s closed bedroom door. “Maybe we should pick a different movie.”
“I’m fine, honey. A little tired. I think I’m going to get ready for bed. You and Nick can watch it if you want.”
“I’m sorry, Mom.”
“Thank you for a wonderful night,” Nancy said.
“Love you.”
“Love you too.”
Caitlin waited a moment longer, wanting to go in and hold her mother, but she knew her mom needed time to herself now.
“Mom not coming back?” Nicholas said when she returned to the living room.
“We probably should have watched an action movie instead. That was just too much for Mom.”
“Sometimes I just want to knock Dad on his ass,” he said. “But what would be the point? If he doesn’t love Mom anymore . . .”
“Do you think people can actually love each other forever?”
Nicholas shrugged. “I think it takes two special people. Think about it. We all change, and if two people change in opposite direction, how can they stay in love? Or maybe they still love each other, but differently, like friends.”
“Shouldn’t you be friends with your partner?”
“Of course, but I think you need to have that physical attraction too.”
“Like you want to have sex with your friend?”
“Yeah, I think so. Like, I have some girls that are friends and that’s good and all, but I have no desire to . . . you know.”
“I get it,” Caitlin said. “You don’t really want to date them but hanging out is cool.”
“Exactly.”
“But Mom and Dad. After all these years of being married, I doubt that they’ll want to be friends and hang out.”
“Yeah, that’s not going to happen. Once Mom accepts that Dad is gone, I think she’ll be able to move on. Until then, we need to take care of her.”
Caitlin put a finger to her lips and her eyes had the look someone gets when thinking carefully about something. “Should we get rid of the booze?”
“She’s been drinking a lot, I agree,” Nicholas said. “She’s old enough to just buy more. I think we need to make sure she doesn’t hurt herself.”
“But we’re not here all day. We go to school.”
“I know.”
Caitlin knew her brother had dated a few times but he didn’t have a steady girlfriend right now. Even though he wasn’t an expert, she figured he knew a bit more than she did.
“Do you think Dad will smarten up and come back to Mom?”
“Anything is possible,” he said after a pause. “The real question is whether Mom would take him back after what he’s done.”
“We don’t know for sure that he’s with someone else.”
“Then what the hell is he doing?”
Caitlin held her breath. She felt lost.
“You know Spike?” she said, to change the subject.
“The dude in that Nirvana knockoff?”
“Yeah.”
“Why?”
She gave her brother a noncommittal shoulder raise.
“You don’t have a thing for that douche?”
“Not me,” she said quickly. “I think he looks . . . slimy.”
“That’s because he is,” Nicholas said. “At least that’s what I’ve heard. He thinks he’s the greatest thing since Kurt Cobain. I’d stay away from him.”
Caitlin mulled over his words.
“You’re being straight with me?” he said.
“It’s not me,” she said. “I’m too young to want to date. Seeing how much pain it can cause really doesn’t make me want to rush into it.”
“Feelings get crushed.” He gave her a nod. “Who is it?”
“It doesn’t matter.”
“I hope it’s not our cuz,” he said. “Like I said, he’s a douche and he’s got a real mean girl anyway.”
“I’ve noticed.”
“Tell our cousin that she’d do herself a favour to look elsewhere.”
If only it were that easy. Nadia was so stung by this guy, and short of getting beaten up by the girlfriend, Caitlin didn’t think anything would ever change Nadia’s mind. Not until the crush ran its course.
Which she hoped would be soon.
“I never said it was her,” she said, knowing that her brother could tell she was lying, but he didn’t call her on it.
“I’m beat,” he said instead. “I’m going to head up to my room. Turn everything off when you go to bed.”
“Sure. Night, Nick.”
“Goodnight sis.”
Caitlin stayed up another hour, the TV playing in the background and her thoughts bouncing back and forth between her mom and her cousin. She felt like the monkey in the middle, broken hearts being tossed high above her head, out of reach but bleeding over her as they flew by.
Everyone she loved was getting hurt and there was nothing she could do but watch, hope the damage wasn’t too bad, and be there when they needed her.
A lot for a thirteen-year-old girl.
* * *
Nadia’s grades kept falling as the year moved on. Wasn’t her fault she couldn’t concentrate. Besides, school was a distraction that seemed to get in the way of what was really important.
“Did you see what he was wearing today?” Nadia said. She and Caitlin were in her room, music playing, a bag of Oreo cookies between them. “He looked so hot.”
Caitlin rolled her eyes. “Seriously, can we talk about something, anything else?”
“Why can’t you be happy for me?”
“I would be if this made any sense, Nad, but really, the guy is old enough to be your father.”
Nadia threw a cookie at her cousin. Hit her right in the forehead.
“That hurt!” Caitlin said.
“Yeah, like your words hurt me.”
“Okay, fine, maybe he’s not old enough to be your father, but come on. I really thought you’d be over him by now. It’s been like three months, since before Christmas. Next week is March break and I thought we could do something together, something fun, but I don’t want to hear about Spike.”
“I’m fourteen now, and he’s only seventeen.”
“He’s graduating in June and off into the world he’ll go. Even if he knew you were gaga over him, he’s got college girls waiting for him, not a babe barely out of diapers.”
Nadia sucked her lower lip between her teeth, a habit she’d inherited from her mother. Sadness made her eyelids heavy.
“Sorry,” Caitlin said in a soft voice. “I’m worried about you but I’m also tired of this. I want my cousin back, the one I used to have fun with. Why are you in such a hurry to grow up and leave me?”
“I’m not leaving you,” Nadia said. “I can’t help how I feel about Spike. When it happens to you, then you’ll get it.”
“Maybe,” Caitlin said. “But I hope it’s with someone I can actually have a relationship with. That’s what’s bugging me. If it was a boy in our grade, I’d be more supportive.”
“They’re weird and childish.”
“And so are you, which is why Spike will never notice you.”
They looked away from each other, the music suddenly too loud. Tension was pushing them apart.
There was a knock on the door and Mathieu poked his head in. “Awfully quiet in here. You two okay?”
“Fine,” Nadia said, the word coming out sharp. “I think Caitlin is ready to go home.”
Caitlin stood and grabbed her backpack. “Could you drive me home, Uncle Mathieu? My mom had an appointment today and she can’t get me until six.”
“Sure. I just want a word with Nadia.”
Caitlin went to wait down in the foyer.
“What’s going on?” Mathieu said.
“Nothing.” Nadia pulled herself up and sat on the edge of the bed. “It’s nothing.”
“You’ve been acting a lot different over the last few weeks, and your mom and I are concerned. We’ve gotten many emails from your teacher regarding your grades. You were a straight-A student and now you have Cs. That tells us that there’s something going on.”
“Grade eight is harder, okay?”
“You’re moody, non-talkative, and like now, bordering on rudeness. That’s not who you are.”
“Maybe not the little kid I used to be, but I’m a teenager now.”
“Still young enough to be grounded and lose your phone.”
“Great, Dad! Make me a loser, that’s all I need.”
“A little discipline won’t make you a loser. Quite the opposite; it will make you appreciate the freedom you do have.”
“Now I have you on my case too. Bad enough Mom pulls a Granddad on me all the time.”
Mathieu rubbed the stubble on his chin. “Mom is concerned, just like I am. We understand you’re growing up and we’re learning to give you more freedom as we see fit, but it’s also our responsibility to make sure that you are safe by staying within the limits we set.”
“Makes it sound like I’m some animal in a cage.”
Mathieu chuckled.
“It’s not funny, Dad,” Nadia said, close to tears. “I feel like everyone treats me like a baby. I’m not!”
“No, you’re not,” he said and sat down beside her. He wrapped an arm around her shoulders. “But you still have a long way to go. Don’t rush it. Someday you’ll look back and wonder where all the years have gone. You’re fourteen now. Enjoy being fourteen.”
Nadia wanted to tell her dad about Spike. She wanted to tell him that her heart was broken. Maybe he’d be able to fix it like he used to make all her boo-boos go away when she was young. But she knew this wasn’t a scraped knee or a bloodied elbow. A broken heart couldn’t be fixed with a band-aid and a kiss.
“You’re special,” Mathieu said and stood. “Maybe you can call Caitlin later and fix whatever is askew between you two.”
“Yeah.”
“Good,” he said and started for the door. “I’m going to drive her home now.”
Nadia waited until she was alone and then buried her face in her pillow and screamed until her throat felt like sandpaper and she was so exhausted she could barely move.
It did nothing for the ache that had taken her heart hostage and she just lay on her bed feeling frustrated and helpless.
* * *
Mathieu backed out of the driveway and headed down the road. Caitlin lived about ten minutes away by car, and maybe thirty minutes when walking, but it was cold and the sidewalks were icy. They’d had a lot of snow this winter, and even though it was the beginning of March, the cold hadn’t let up yet.
“You and Nadia okay?”
Caitlin was quiet for a beat. “Yeah. Not like we’ve never fought before. Sometimes we spend too much time together.”
“Anything you want to talk about?”
She shook her head. “Nothing real important.”
“Well, you know you can always talk to me,” he said. “I won’t judge or take sides.”
“I know.”
“How’s your mom doing?”
Caitlin let out a breath that was laden with burden. “I’m not really sure, Uncle Mathieu. But you can’t say anything to her. I’m worried. Nick and I both are. And Suzie too. She’s been home a bit more herself.”
Mathieu waited for Caitlin to continue.
“I don’t understand why people stop loving each other. I mean, I get that people get mad—like Nadia and me today—but I still love her. I wouldn’t desert her.”
“A marriage is a bit more complicated than that.”
“Why?”
That was a damn good question. He eased the car to a stop at an intersection, looked both ways, and drove on.
“Before a couple got married, they were complete strangers to each other. Sometimes very different people. You’ve heard that opposites attract?”
“Yeah.”
“And that might work for a while, but people who have nothing in common, in my opinion, will have a hard time staying together. There has to be common ground, somewhere in the middle of the circles that unite them, to keep them together. And I think most couples have that and it’s that commonality that binds their love. The common area of the overlapping circles has to keep expanding during their marriage. It shows their love keeps growing. If the common area gets smaller and smaller, it probably means they are slowly falling out of love.”
Mathieu gave his niece a quick glance and saw that she was mulling over what he’d said, trying to make sense of it. Good on her, because he wasn’t sure he understood anything he’d just spewed out. He’d sounded like his grandfather, and maybe it was something his grandfather had told him once, a long time ago, when he was Caitlin’s age.
“What if one circle doesn’t know the other circle exists?” Caitlin said.
Mathieu took a left onto Caitlin’s street. “I guess that means they’re still strangers.”
Mathieu turned into the driveway. He waited for Caitlin to say more, but she didn’t.
“Thanks for the ride.”
“I’ll see you later.”
Mathieu drove home, wondering what Caitlin had been fishing for. Was it what had caused the fight between her and Nadia? Or was it something to do with her parents?
He pulled into the driveway and Lori-Anne was just stepping out of her Pathfinder. She waited for him and when he pressed his lips against hers, he knew that his circle was solid, that each year it kept getting bigger and bigger.
He hoped it always would.
* * *
When Caitlin stepped into her house, it was way too quiet, and bad thoughts slammed against the inside of her brain. She dropped her backpack and searched the main floor before taking the stairs by two to get to the second floor.
“MOM!”
She burst into her parents’ room and the worry that had grabbed her was suddenly replaced by grief so strong that she began to cry.
“Mom,” she said in voice that was thin and frail. “Oh Mommy.”
Nancy was sitting on the floor, her back against the wall beside the dresser, an empty bottle of rye between her legs. Her face was pale and her red-rimmed eyes seemed to be rolling in their sockets as she looked at Caitlin.
“Mommy,” she said again as she sat down beside her mother and took her into her arms. Caitlin rocked her mother like her mom used to do with her when she was younger and in need of comfort. “You’ll get through this. I promise you will. You’re young and pretty and wonderful. We love you. Lots of people love you.”
She felt her mother shake, but her cries were without sound—the cries of a person too proud to let the world know she’s in a great deal of pain.
“Let it out, Mom,” Caitlin said, rubbing her back. “You need to get rid of your pain, you need a fresh start. Don’t keep it inside.”
“I loved him so much,” she said into her daughter’s chest. “He’s not a bad man. I don’t want you kids to hate him.”
Caitlin ran her fingers through her mom’s hair. “We don’t hate Dad,” she said, feeling a bit like a liar. “But we’re mad as hell with him. We didn’t think this would happen to our parents. A lot of my friends have divorced parents and I always loved that mine weren’t. But now he’s ruined that for all of us.”
Nancy sat up and wiped her eyes and nose with the back of her hand. “I’m sorry,” she said. “It’s probably my fault.”
Caitlin grabbed her mother by the arms.
“Don’t do that. Don’t play the victim, Mom. Whatever happened, Dad is as much at fault.”
“Maybe if I was still pretty and didn’t look like a mom all the time—”
“But you are a mom,” Caitlin said. “And you’re a great mom. And you are pretty. If Dad can’t see that then he’s more the problem than you.”
“Oh honey,” Nancy said and hugged her. “You’re so young.”
“I’m not stupid, Mom.”
“No. No you’re not. You’re a lot smarter than I was at your age. And compassionate. All four you kids are.”
“And that’s because of you.”
“Your dad—”
“Was never home,” she said. “You raised us. Maybe Dad lay down the law, but you took care of us.”
Nancy caressed Caitlin’s face with her hands. “You’re a beautiful little girl. No. You’re a beautiful young lady.”
They sat awkwardly for a moment and then Caitlin helped her mom up and guided her into the ensuite to clean up.
“I look like a whore who’s just crawled out of a gutter.”
“I see a rose just waiting to bloom.”
Caitlin saw her mother stare at her in the mirror, the edges of her mom’s eyes showing she didn’t believe her.
“Look, Mom.” She waited until her mother actually looked at herself. “Right there. See? Peel away the hurt that veils who you really are and there’s a beautiful rose ready to flourish.”
“Where’s my daughter?”
Caitlin smiled. “We’re taking poetry in English class.”
“I’ve got myself a little poet.”
“And I’ve got a mother that has a lot to look forward to. Please, Mom, will you stay away from the booze?”
Nancy drew down her eyes in shame. “I don’t mean to disappoint you.”
Caitlin soothed her back with her hand. “Don’t disappoint yourself, Mom. I know it’s hard and I can’t even imagine what this is like for you—mostly because I’ve never had a boyfriend—but I really believe that you’ll be all right, that you’ll learn to live without Dad. As difficult as that is to say, there has to be something—maybe someone someday—out there for you. Maybe you need to get a job, get out, meet people.”
The fear in Nancy’s eyes betrayed the smile on her face.
“It’s okay,” Caitlin said. “Remember when you were my age. What did you want to be?”
“Gosh, I have no idea. That was a lifetime ago.”
“Didn’t you go to university? What did you study?”
