From Pemberley to Paradise, page 9
She closed her eyes, in a desperate attempt not to cry. It was not a dream! That was the final proof if she had the slightest hope that nothing happened that illusion was shattered by his words. He had slept near her, loved her, washed her, caressed her, all was true…and finally, he got her pregnant. She was pregnant, she did not have any doubts; there were not only the symptoms resembling those of her sister or mother, but it was an unknown inner feeling she was with child. She did not understand how it was possible after only one night or even what was happening to her body, but she carried his child.
“I am increasing!” she said. He turned to her in such a swift movement that his glass fell down on the marble floor, making a horrible sound in the silence.
He was stupefied; his butler knocked at the door, “Do you need me, sir?”
He coughed just to regain the use of his voice and said, “Go to rest, Weston, I will not need you anymore tonight!”
In the silence—not daring to look at him—she did not know what he was doing but suspected he was pouring another glass of brandy.
Then she heard him fall into an armchair and only then she raised up her eyes, finding his eyes on her, devouring her. She did not know if it was love or hate.
“When I woke up that morning, my father was near my bed, watching me,” she said, and he nodded.
“I know, I intended to come back and try to wake you up. I was so worried it was not a normal sleep; I wanted to come and bring you some roses…”
His voice broke.
“I did not remember anything when I came to my senses, as I suspect I was in a faint, I did not remember anything!” she almost cried. “Maybe if you had been there I would have remembered…but wakening in that room with my father in a chair watching me, what had happened became impossible and I thought it was a dream.”
Darcy smiled a pale smile, yet a change came over his face.
“I am honoured by you having that sort of dream of me!”
They sat in silence for a long time and then he talked again, “Are you sure you are…pregnant?” the hesitation in his voice was as huge as the unlikely circumstance they were living.
“Yes, well…however a woman is sure, I have many the symptoms…”
It was her turn to hesitate, but she finally said in a whisper, “It is your baby!”
He looked at her once again, furious, “I know, it is my baby, do not speak foolishly, Elizabeth!”
“How?” she said, but he did not need many words to understand what she was asking, so he laughed for the first time and she saw a kind of pride in his attitude.
“I was your first man…”
Once again Elizabeth violently blushed, but this time he kept his eyes on her, giving her no place to hide, he was so sorry for her. He wanted to take her into his arms to comfort her, not even as a man if she did not love him, but as a friend. Still, she was so far away from him that he could not move. Her attitude was saying, “I am here because of this infelicitous situation, not because I wanted to be here with you!”
He remembered that young man she seemed to be so happy with, and he wondered what had happened to him in view of the new situation.
“And I am sure you are incapable of any treachery!”
“Thank you!” she said, smiling. It was not her bright smile from the past, it was a tormented grimace reflecting the turmoil of her soul. He was so sorry for her.
“How was it possible for you to forget?”
He could not imagine how that occurred.
“The doctor said I inhaled smoke and then…well, you remember he gave us some potion to drink?”
He nodded, in fact, he remembered every tiny detail in contrast to her total oblivion. He remembered how they kissed when they entered the room, his surprise when the stiff body from his arms suddenly relaxed and came so close to his that he lost control.
“It was Laudanum!”
Darcy looked at her in shock; it was opium, how could the doctor give them such a thing and let Elizabeth prepare it.
“You know what Laudanum is!” she said.
“Of course I know; I have more than one friend of my youth lost to opium, and they all began with Laudanum.”
“It is also my explanation…and many others, the fear, the smoke, the shock of being saved…by you…and then Laudanum, I suppose it is quite an explanation.”
“And waking up alone…,” he said, finally understanding.
“Yes, not seeing you made me think I imagined it all.”
He took his head into his hands for a moment, hiding away the distress from his face, then he looked again at her. “I could not be back, near you as I wanted. Your parents were already there when I went downstairs and then Charles came too. He was utterly lost like I have never seen him. I felt so sorry for him that I was ready to do anything to see his happy face again. He implored me to depart for London and prepare the wedding there. It was your mother’s idea and he clung up to it like it might be the last chance to marry. I wanted to wait for you, but it proved to be impossible, for every five minutes Charles implored me to go.”
“And you wrote that letter!” There was an explicit reproach in her voice.
“What did you want me to write in a letter—that I was jubilant and fortunate to have you?”
Elizabeth said nothing, but the most delicate part of their discussion was yet to come.
“I thought you were mad,” he said, “but not like a hysterical woman but a deranged person. You were mine one instant, giving me your most precious gift and the next you avoided me, it was not logical, it was not you, the young lady I used to know.”
“I understand,” she said.
“And you completely turned to another man two days after you were…mine!”
She blushed again. She could not contradict his words nor his logic; her behaviour had been hectic and…ultimately…mad.
“What happened to that man?” he asked in a harsh voice, one that ultimately gave away his state of mind; he was jealous, but Elizabeth was far from understanding.
“You did not tell me anything about the marchioness if I remember well!” she said using the same tone.
“Well…that was before!” Darcy said, looking at her.
Before knowing that she was pregnant with his child. It was so inconceivable that he kept on taking small steps to reach a complete understanding. Yet there she was, in his mother’s parlour, under Anne Darcy’s and baby Fitzwilliam’s painting, telling him that the night he considered the most wonderful of his life—and then he tried to forget—had such an incredible result…
He wanted to touch her belly, to be sure his baby was there not because he was not sure but because he wanted to feel the little life within her, that was his too. But Elizabeth was a marble statue. She had come to tell him because she was sincere and correct. It was about truth, not love.
“I envisaged the possibility…to marry him!” she said and his universe exploded in tiny fragments that hurt. “What about the marchioness?” she asked.
He hesitated only for a second before saying, “I envisaged the possibility to marry her!”
She was devastated. She left Archibald for a man who wanted to marry another woman; her disappointment was all over her face: she was tired and worried and incapable of hiding her state of mind.
“What could you expect, Elizabeth? To yearn for you for a lifetime, waiting to see you married to another man?”
“No,” she said, “of course not! I do not know, in fact, what I was waiting for!”
“The point is, now, Elizabeth, what do you want now?”
She stood in front of him in total disbelief. She had told him what she had come for, but she had never imagined that he would not name the solution. She could not speak, she wanted to go to her room and cry and sleep and then forget everything; however, crying had not offered a solution.
“Elizabeth Bennet, do you agree to be my wife?”
He asked with the tone he would have asked his sister to play the piano, but then she could remember how excited he looked the first time he proposed to her.
And she could not say “Yes.”
As the silence persisted between them, he stood up and said in the coldest tone he had ever spoken to her, “Please, let me walk you to your room!” and those were his last words. He did not even bother to say goodnight; he just bowed and disappeared.
She wanted to go after him, to tell him they needed to find a solution, but she did not know where his room was and the mansion was huge. So she just sat on the bed incapable of moving. She did not understand why she had not accepted his proposal ending the misfortunes in her life, but she just could not imagine her waking up each morning near him…and even more inconceivable, spending the nights with him. What had happened at Netherfield was not her. She realised she was facing one of those situations she had talked so much about, a man she immensely respected…however, she did not want to marry him. Yet she would have to marry as there was no other solution. How to tell a man she had refused two times that she wanted to marry him…because of the baby. She could imagine how shocked and hurt he was and she just stood there wondering why she was not prepared to say yes to his proposal. It was the very motive she has come for and yet she was not prepared. Pregnant with his child yet unable to envisage life with him.
Chapter 13
Excepting the marchioness the same people she met at dinner were at breakfast, meaning they were guests in the house: Lady and Lord Deighton and their daughter Eleonore Deighton—Darcy’s close friends—who escaped London to find a perfect place for riding and hunting. Then Major Robert Everleigh, the colonel’s comrade-in-arms who left the army and was in search of a place to buy in the neighbourhood and a wife to marry. The most pleasant surprise was the colonel who got up and met her with much joy.
Jane seemed so happy in that company. Even if not a word was said all the people around the table knew about the happy event the Bingleys were expecting and treated the future mother with the care she adored. In a way Elizabeth envied her, she could be openly pregnant while she had to hide and, worst of all, she had not yet found a solution. With so many people around the chance to speak to Darcy was small and she had to wait for the night to see him.
They passed a pleasant day walking around Pemberley or resting on the vast terraces as they still needed time to recover from the very tiresome travel. Not once during their walks did Darcy approach her for more than a moment; he was obviously angry with her. Sometimes she caught his eyes set on her, but he hastily moved away each time. He did not want to give her any opportunity to come closer or even to have a conversation.
∞∞∞
To her profound dismay at dinner, she looked in vain for Darcy to appear. It seemed he was gone and she did not dare to ask where he was. At least the colonel sat down next to her, determined to make her laugh and at one point she tried to forget her problems and just enjoy the evening. Jane looked at her with a worried face, but there was nothing to be done since Darcy was not present. Jane scolded her all morning and she was right. They slowly walked alongside the lake, in the shadow of venerable trees trying to look detached when, in fact, Jane just wanted to shout and scold her.
“I do not understand anything, Lizzy! Look around, all this could be yours and your child’s, forget the ideas we had about love…”
“But you did not!” Elizabeth replied.
“We are not in the same situation; you are desperate and you have to marry the father of your child in days, with your condition still invisible in the church. How long do you think you have until the baby shows? Please let aside such gibberish and marry the man, try to be happy with him. You cannot go back to Archibald now; you decided to come and tell Mr Darcy. For you, my dear, there is only one road…” She showed her sister the broad road leading to the mansion.
“And what a road, look at the house, look around how nice and polite are the people around him, what a beautiful life he has.”
But they had to stop as Charles was running to them worried his wife had made too much effort…in her condition.
“Go and say yes!” Jane said in a tone Elizabeth did not recognise; it was like hearing her mother talking. But in the end Jane was right, even Mrs Bennet was right; she had to make a decision. It was an obvious choice, yet last night she could not say yes…They must get married, but he had to understand she needed time to adjust to that situation. It was so strange; she was the one practically begging him to marry her and yet she was the one to hesitate.
And then dinner came and he was not there. Jane dragged her into the garden and again she almost ordered her to accept, “What is this nonsense Lizzy, it is nonsense, can you not see? Maybe it is because of the situation. Mama told me that women who are increasing are often whimsical, but you are not in a position to behave that way. Women marry a man just to be protected and have children, for hundreds of years.”
“I know, but we thought that could change.”
“Well, it is not your case! Just marry and decide afterwards how you will live in the marriage!”
They were returning to the dining room when Jane stopped and made their secret gesture since they were little girls with a secret—a cross on her palm. “Swear, Elizabeth Bennet, that you will say yes!”
She also made the cross in her palm, joining it to her sister’s, but she did not swear!
Chapter 14
After dinner, she asked her maid to call for Weston to come to her room. He arrived with a glass of milk and a cookie making Elizabeth smile, for the first time that evening.
“Yes, my lady!” he said after Elizabeth thanked him, “What can I do for you?”
“I want to wait for your master, no matter how late he may be. Will you lead me in the parlour and, when he comes, ask him to join me there?”
“I wonder if you do not want to wait for him in the library, a wonderful room with a private garden; I shall make sure you will not be disturbed!”
Definitely, she liked that man and, most notable for their situation, he liked her. She wondered how he guessed she loved books, but then she remembered the books she had on the nightstand.
Elizabeth adored the library which she recalled from the last visit. She took a book and sat on a comfortable leather sofa. It was the first time since her arrival when she could relax. Within minutes she fell asleep, the book on her chest. She woke up because of a distant sound that she did not recognise in her dream; she opened her eyes to find Darcy looking at her from an armchair in front of her sofa. She stood up in a second embarrassed to be found sleeping. He did not have a very benevolent look on his face as he made a gesture inviting her to sit and then he said, “What do you want Elizabeth? I thought our discussion ended last night…with your new rejection.”
“I did not reject you, this time!” she said.
“Agreed, the silence is only a half rejection; did you call for me to give me the full version?”
“No!” she shouted in obvious pain. “I did not reject you last night.”
“And what was your hesitation…?”
“Please, Darcy, please, I am so unhappy and confused that I do not respond in a normal way. This situation,” and it was the first time she indicated her stomach with her hand, “is so unreal, I am completely unprepared…I do not know what to do and I am scared.”
His eyes betrayed him, he could no longer keep that stern face, but Elizabeth was too troubled to see he was also worried about her, “This situation,” he said glancing at her stomach, “is also my baby! Marry me; it is all I can do for you and for her!”
“Her?” she asked in astonishment, “Why did you say her?” In fact, it was the first time she was fully conscious that she was going to have a baby, a girl or a boy, and the man in front her unveiled that incredible secret. The horrible situation—an unwanted pregnancy—would be a baby in less than seven months.
“Well, what do you say, will you keep on being silent or will you answer?” he said impatient and angered again.
“Yes,” she said.
“Is it a ‘Yes’ like in ‘Yes Darcy I shall marry you?’”
“Yes, Darcy, I shall marry you!”
She was silent for an instant and he knew it was not over, he looked at her waiting and indeed she said, “But…”
He stood up watching her, he was so angry he could hardly manage his feelings. “I am sorry, Elizabeth, there is no ‘but’ in my marriage. I want you to be my wife, no ‘buts’ to this marriage. I want you to live with me, to share my bed, have more children, be happy. I cannot imagine a life with a fake wife, to mimic happiness only to save you from e public disgrace.”
“So you condemn me to public disgrace?” she asked with a strange voice.
“No, you condemn yourself, by not wanting to live a normal life with me. The last straw is that we are good in bed, I even dare to say…very good!”
It was such a rude thing to say that Elizabeth completely blushed, even her neck was crimson, but she did not give up.
“It was the Laudanum!” she said.
“Maybe it was or maybe not, it seems we shall never know!”
He bowed exactly like the last night and disappeared, leaving Elizabeth in a state of mind close to madness.
For the first time, she seriously envisaged going home unmarried and living in her parents’ house. But that situation would soon turn into a real nightmare, as always was the case of unwed mothers. And it was not only about her she was worried, but about her parents, her unmarried sisters who would suffer from such a decision. Even Jane would have to pass a difficult period until the scandal faded away.
Darcy was a respectable man, with a vast estate and income. She remembered that night…he was right; she enjoyed the bliss of being his woman but she had to consider the emotions the fire had caused and the Laudanum the doctor gave them. In the present situation she could hardly imagine undressing in front of him. Yet, women married men, they did not love all the time, and they could have a normal marital life. But she did know what that “normality” looked like. “Just close your eyes, wait for the man to finish and become pregnant as soon as possible, to avoid other interactions.”—She remembered that sentence she once heard at a party and did not understand. She did not want such a life.
