“Sorry, I’m just…”

  He looks me over. “What’s on your mind? What’s got you so lost in your head?”

  I debate whether or not I should tell him about what happened with me and Logan. He has no idea about the history of our families. All I’ve told most people here at work is that I have a mom and a stepsister that lives with her. Aside from that, we don’t really get into personal details about our families. It’s easier to talk about women and all the troubles we get into for and with them.

  “I know that look,” another one of my coworkers says. Randy approaches with a knowing smile plastered on his face. “He got laid.”

  Embarrassed, I say, “What? No.”

  “Don’t bullshit me, kid. You always have that look on your face whenever you get some ass. I mean, it’s usually a lot cockier, but still.”

  Am I really that easy to read? I don’t remember being this obvious, but if Dennis can detect that something is on my mind and Randy can pinpoint the fact that I had sex with someone, maybe I need to start working on my poker face.

  “Maybe I did,” I shrug. I turn away from them and pull out my box knife, cutting open a new piece of furniture. I hope they’ll let it go, but Randy seems way more interested in learning more.

  “What’s her name?”

  “None of your goddamn business,” I retort.

  Randy’s mouth quirks up into another smile. “Is that her government name?”

  “Fuck off,” I mutter.

  “Wow, you must really like this girl. You’re usually quick to tell us all about how good the sex was.”

  I feel like an idiot because I know he’s right. Any other time, I’d be bragging about my dick or telling the guys just how amazing the random girl I brought home was. But this is different. I can’t get into the details. I don’t even want to make it seem like it was nothing, because what happened with Logan and I was something. It was wrong, and it shouldn’t have happened, but I don’t regret it at all. In fact, I’d be a liar if I said I didn’t want it to happen again and again.

  Everything inside of me says that this is a bad idea. The number of things that could go wrong keep piling up. If Mom ever found out, I don’t know what she’d do to me. Probably wring my neck. Then kill me. Then bring me back to life, just to kill me slower the second time.

  But that’s part of the draw, isn’t it? I shouldn’t want Logan that way, and I know it’s wrong, but the thought still makes me shift in my pants. It still keeps me up at night, imagining the way it felt sliding into her, hearing her moan my name in my ear. It’s still as vivid in the fantasy as it was in real life, and I’m itching to spend more time with her. To get her alone one more time.

  It’s fucked up, but it’s the truth. I feel more for my stepsister than I should.

  After work, I find myself outside of Logan’s dorm room, knocking three times. There’s movement inside, and a second later, she opens the door, looking at me in surprise.

  “Zack,” she says. “What are you doing here?”

  “I wanted to see if we could talk.”

  She looks over her shoulder, then back at me. “Um… Julie’s here right now.”

  “Can we go for a walk, then? I just think we need to talk about…y’know.” I give her a look. One that says exactly what neither of us will admit out loud. Logan looks torn, before she nods. She tells Julie she’ll be back in a bit, then closes the door and follows me downstairs.

  When we make it to the campus, she puts her hands in her pockets, glancing at me every now and then. “What did you want to talk about?”

  “I mean…everything?” What can’t we talk about? We did something neither of us planned for. It’s hard to find something that’s too taboo to discuss now.

  “Okay,” she says.

  I don’t know where to start. I never thought I’d be having this “what are we?” conversation with my annoying stepsister, so I’m a little at a loss for words here. There are so many angles I could lead this, but I finally settle on one.

  “Are you okay?”

  She looks at me with softness on her face. “Yeah. Why?”

  “I don’t know. I just didn’t want you to feel like I took advantage of you or pressured you into anything. I know that it was your first time and all. I’ve never slept with someone that was a virgin, so.”

  She tilts her head. “I wanted it too, Zack. You didn’t pressure me into anything.”

  “I know. But like, I care about you, you know? I don’t like the idea of me treating you like other dudes might treat you.” I don’t exactly know how to put it into words, but with how Chris touched her, like she was his property or that she should just expect to be touched that way, I never want to come off like that. I’ve cared about her for half my life. I’ve cared about her since we were kids.

  “You mean like Chris?” she asks.

  “Yeah. Like that asshole.”

  Logan sighs. “You’re not like him. I told him to stop. I told you to touch me. Do you see the difference there?”

  “I guess.” I can’t exactly argue with her. She gave me permission, encouraged me, so this idea that I took advantage of her is just me being a paranoid freak. And I know me. Had she said to stop, I wouldn’t have gone any further. More than touching her, I respect her. I wouldn’t ever do anything to fuck up that trust we have for each other.

  “This whole thing is just…” She seems to be drawing blanks just like me. I don’t blame her. One minute she’s hitting it off with some charming—at least at the time—football player, and now she’s sleeping with her stepbrother. It’s a startling change of pace.

  She shakes her head. “This is all fucked up.”

  “We can stop,” I offer. I try to keep the disappointment out of my voice. Since we fooled around, I’ve realized that my feelings for her haven’t been platonic in a long time. I mask them by pretending to be some obnoxious, douchey older brother figure, but deep down, I think I’ve always known. Every boy she tells me about makes me jealous. Every time she flirts with someone else, I feel irritation creeping over me like an ominous shadow in a horror movie.

  “What if I don’t want to?” Her question comes out quietly, but the statement is loud.

  “Do you want to?”

  It takes Logan a minute before she decides. “No. Not really.”

  I can’t help but feel like a giddy child. I’ve known for the longest time that she’s off limits. We weren’t even allowed to hang out in the same room alone until our parents were married and we were forced to move in together. Our folks didn’t care that we would be related by marriage. They still upheld the same annoying rules that they did whenever I brought over a girl.

  She was never a viable option, no matter how badly I wanted her. No matter how many times I corrected her, emphasized the step in stepbrother, or teased her, making crude sex jokes as often as I did, I knew that deep down, this was impossible. It would be too complicated. Too messy. And now I’m starting to see where things could go wrong down the line.

  We could end terribly. We could realize that our affection for one another wasn’t as strong as we thought, and in turn, we’d be ruining our relationship for good. Every family reunion, every birthday, would be destroyed by the secret we share. The night that we spent together.

  It’s dangerous, what we’re doing, but that’s part of the draw. I don’t know what could happen with Logan. I don’t know whether we’ll be a perfect fit or things will crash and burn around us. But I’m certain that what I felt during those moments with her, taking her virginity, and kissing her until we both fell asleep, were undeniable. I can’t pretend I don’t want this. I can’t lie to myself anymore.

  “I don’t want to stop either,” I say, biting back a smile.

  “Then we won’t.” She says it with such finality that I have to admire her. She may be a little clueless about guys and how they can’t be trusted, even the seemingly good ones, but I’ve always appreciated how headstrong she is. She makes a decision and sticks with it. At least, until something happens, and she has to reconsider.

  “Are you sure?” I ask. “Because most girls can’t handle me.”

  She cocks up an eyebrow in contempt. “Most girls also haven’t lived with you for years. I know how you are at your worst. I know I can handle you.”

  “Overconfidence has been the downfall of many,” I remind her.

  “And your ego has been your downfall just as much.”

  I put a hand over my heart, pretending to be hurt. “You wound me, dear sister.”

  We make it back to the outside of the building she stays in, and she pulls me in for a long hug. It’s nothing that looks too strange to the outside world, but what she says sends chills down my back and causes the hair on my arms to rise.

  “I can’t wait for you to touch me again.”

  It’s breathy, whispered in my ear as she pulls away. She then gives me the most innocent of smiles and turns on her heels, bounding up the stairs and disappearing inside.

  Jesus.

  I head home as fast as I can, desperate to get some time alone to take care of the raging erection she gave me.

  7

  Logan

  R emember class, this essay will be all about the morality of the society in the novel. Hawthorne’s telling a story about forgiveness, of owning to your sins and asking to be forgiven for them. I want you to think about how this reflected in our own society, and how we can fail to see our own hypocrisy while trying to be the police of morals at the same time.”

  Professor Dawkins’s words seem to fall on those that aren’t listening, but I can’t wait to get started on this essay. English was always my favorite class because it was the only one where I got to have an opinion without being told by someone else that I was wrong. As long as the evidence backed my words, there was no wrong way to interpret the books that we read.

  Class is dismissed ten minutes later, and I grab my bag, stuffing my copy of The Scarlet Letter inside and throwing it over my shoulder. I carry my laptop in the crook of my arm and head outside. I turn the corner, suddenly bumping into a familiar face.

  Chris looks as surprised to see me as I am him. “Hi,” he says.

  “Hi.”

  “Are you mad at me or something?” he asks, cutting right to the chase.

  I feel an immediate sinking guilt settle into the pit of my stomach. I’ve been so horrible to him lately. With everything that’s happened with me and Zack these past three weeks, I haven’t had much time to spend with him. He probably thinks I’m pissed at him for what happened on the boat.

  “I’m not mad, Chris,” I start.

  “Then what is it? Because it seems like you’re mad at me. If you think what I did on the boat was that bad, please tell me and I’ll leave you alone. But I’ve tried calling you and texting you and messaging you on Facebook and you haven’t replied to anything.”

  I bite my bottom lip anxiously. I’ve always hated this part. Chris is a cool guy, but with him, I don’t feel that same spark. I don’t light up inside like I do when I’m around Zack. He doesn’t make me feel the same way. And obviously I can’t tell him that.

  Hey, sorry, I’m basically with my stepbrother now, super sorry for not changing our relationship status to “taken!”

  Not a chance.

  “I’ve been really busy,” I admit. The look on his face tells me that’s not a good enough excuse. “Like, I’ve never had this much homework before busy. And I’ve been trying to keep up with Julie and Zack that I haven’t had much time to talk to anybody else.”

  “You met another guy, didn’t you? Is that why you’re avoiding me?”

  “What? No, Chris, that’s not it.” Another wave of guilt starts to overtake me. “It’s just that—”

  “I don’t think I was bad enough to ghost like that, Logan. You could’ve just told me that you weren’t into me instead of lying and messing around with other guys. I bet you’ve been talking to all kinds of guys when you’ve been ignoring me.”

  “Okay, woah,” I say, holding up my hand. “First of all, stop talking to me like that. We weren’t dating. We weren’t together. So even if I was talking to other guys—which I wasn’t—none of that matters.”

  He sneers, stepping closer. “Actually, it does, because you could’ve just told me you were a whore instead of pretending like I didn’t exist. After I introduced you to all my friends. Do you know how embarrassing that is?”

  That’s what this is about. I see it immediately. It’s not just that me being distant hurt his feelings. It’s that he feels embarrassed by all his friends. They’ve probably made jokes about him getting ditched. Made him feel small. And instead of being mad at them, he wants to take it out on me. To blame me for his insecurities.

  I open my mouth to say something when Julie appears at my side. “What’s going on?” she asks, putting on a fake cheery voice. “Why are you threatening my friend, Christopher?”

  “I’m not,” he says, scrunching up his face.

  “Look at how you’re standing,” she says, gesturing to him. He’s closer than he should be, towering over us, his fists clenched. “You’re being aggressive and you need to stop.”

  “And you need to stay out of our fucking conversation, Julie,” he growls.

  “Or what?” She tilts her head and narrows her eyes. “You gonna be a big strong man and make me stay out of your conversation? The same way you were gonna make Logan apologize for your feelings getting hurt?”

  What’s worse than Chris being overtly intimidating is the smile he gives the both of us. His foot taps incessantly, over and over again, jittery.

  “I should’ve known you two would be good friends,” he chuckles humorlessly. “Sluts gotta stick together, huh?”

  “Wow,” is all I can say. Chris starts to speak again when Professor Dawkins appears beside the three of us.

  She looks at Chris carefully and says, “Christopher, is there a problem here?”

  Immediately, his look changes. His posture relaxes, and he puts on a charming smile. If I didn’t know any better, I’d think he was just as attractive as the first time I met him.

  “Nothing’s wrong, Professor,” he assures her. “I was just leaving.”

  She nods slowly, meeting my gaze. “That might be smart,” she says.

  “Have a good day, ladies,” he says. He hurries off a moment later, leaving the three of us alone.

  I give Professor Dawkins a look of gratitude and excuse myself, Julie following right behind me. When we’re out of her earshot, Julie says, “Chris turned full incel on you back there, what the hell.”

  “You’re telling me,” I mutter, crossing my arms. “I don’t know what’s gotten into him, but he was being a huge asshole. I mean, yeah, I haven’t been talking to him much, but all of that was unnecessary.”

  “Don’t you know, Logan? You’re supposed to coddle his feelings like a good girl,” she chuckles, rolling her eyes.

  We decide to head to the mall to grab some food and do a bit of shopping, picking out matching pairs of pajamas for the sleepover that’s coming up on our floor in a few days. It’s supposed to be really fun. All the girls get together, put on scary movies, and lounge around in our PJs. Apparently, they do it every year, so it’s a tradition at this point.

  After we finish shopping, we head to the food court to grab something to eat. I settle on a burger and Julie gets tacos. We talk about classes and all the homework we’ve been assigned, and I consider eating my words from earlier.

  Sure, the beginning of the semester was easy, but we’re about a month in now and things are starting to pick up a lot more. It’s nothing I can’t handle, but I definitely overestimated how easy things would be for me.

  My phone buzzes with a text from Zack. “I miss you,” is all it says.

  I feel my cheeks grow warm with heat, and Julie looks up from her food, suspicious. “Who is that?” she asks.

  This is now my dilemma. Being honest with Julie is out of the question. I don’t think I can tell anyone about me and Zack. It’d be too weird to explain, and I don’t need people judging us for this. What I’m torn on is whether I should pretend it’s nothing or if I admit that I’m talking to someone.

  Thinking quickly, I settle on telling her the half-truth. “It’s a new guy I’m talking to,” I say.

  Her eyes light up. “No way!” She leans forward on her elbows, curious. “What’s his name? What’s he look like? Is he cute?”

  “Calm down, Sherlock,” I giggle. “It’s still pretty early, so I don’t want to jinx anything. I’ve known him for a long time, though. He’s a guy from back home.”

  “Oooh.”

  This seems to be enough to satisfy her curiosity without requiring me to completely out myself to her. Julie is a good friend, but I doubt she’d react positively to finding out about me and Zack. After all, she was the one that wondered about going out with him first, and I basically fibbed and told her that he was talking to someone else.

  After the impromptu interview about Zack, I send him a message letting him know that I miss him too. It feels foreign, in a way. When we were at home together, he never was affectionate, at least not in the traditional sense. He loved to make fun of me and pester me, which was how he showed his love, but never anything like this.

  This is all different. This is uncharted territory, and as scary as it is, it’s equally exciting.

  We finish eating and head back to our dorm to study. With my laptop on my knees and my back against the wall, I quickly log into all of my social media accounts and block Chris. After the stunt he pulled in the hallway, I don’t need that kind of person in my life right now. Had it not been for Julie and Professor Hawkins, I know it wouldn’t have been pretty.

 

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