Tailspin, page 67
“Tell me,” I urged desperate for her words. The real ones.
“I like him.”
“Like him, like him?”
“Yes,” she admitted, her face paling even more so, if that were possible.
“How much?” I asked and pushed her a little further. “One to ten.”
“I can’t.” Her eyes pleaded with me, and she managed to tug her hand back, wringing it in her blankets.
There was nothing I could really do or say to help her here. “Even if it hurts.” I softened my voice, begging her. “One to ten. Tell me.”
“Gods, all right. Ten.” And she let out a sob. “Ten. Are you happy now?”
I knew what I was dealing with now. “Hey, hey,” I whispered. And clambered on her bed to wrap her gently into a hug. “I’m here.”
“I can’t,” she sobbed. “I can’t do this, not right now. I think I’m in love with him… I can’t do this…”
“I know, but you can. I’m glad you told me.”
“It’s the drugs, and you knew that. You’re a prick.”
“I am a prick,” I admitted with a slight smile. “I needed to know. I’ve been suspecting it for a while. I had to get you to tell me. I’ve left enough openings for you; you wouldn’t admit it.”
“I didn’t want to admit it.” She slapped my arm, but I didn’t pull back. She was still crying softly.
“Because it makes it real?”
“Because it is real,” she said. “I’ve never felt like this for anyone. It hurts. It hurt so bad.” She cried into my chest, and I let her. I wasn’t letting her go, not at all.
Jim poked his head in through the door, and I waved him off. “I’ll pull up a bed,” I said to her. “I’ll stay here tonight.”
She looked up at me, tried to wipe her eyes and failed. So I did it for her. “You won’t tell him, will you?”
“The way he dotes on you, I don’t think you have to worry about that.”
“You think he likes me too?”
There was a spark of hope in her eyes, one I didn’t want to encourage. I didn’t want to admit that he did like her too. I didn’t want him to like my best friend like this. I gave her a little squeeze. “I don’t know,” I lied again.
Within a moment, even though she still sobbed lightly, she was asleep, and Jim stepped in. “She’s out cold.”
“She needs rest,” he chided. “She’s had major surgery, and with complications.”
“I’m sorry.”
“It seemed you needed to ask her that.”
“I did because I need to work out how we can get around it.”
“Relationships are hard,” he warned.
“Yes, they are; genuine friendships are hard too. I hate to see her hurting.”
“She is hurting.”
I looked down at her and actually saw how frail she was, how pale she was. “I’ll be strong enough for the both of us.”
***
Still under the careful watch of my psychiatrist and LT General Michaels, I had got really used to things finally settling down, finally being worthwhile. My manic learning and need to pass exams had gone. So had my fear of the unknown, of the pain.
I’d started to meditate with Apex guiding me, and we’d also talked much more. This session was nice; after a really long week, time off, and time spent as me was needed.
But, even though I was more used to sitting than standing, meditation made my legs hurt, and then so did my ass.
“You’ve been sitting like that for way too long,” Malaki said, poking her head into the room.
“You just broke my immersion,” I said and looked up at her with annoyance.
“Sorry.” She sat in front of me and crossed her legs. “I needed to—to talk.”
Crap. I knew it was coming. I didn’t want this. Not right now. We were doing so well. We’d ignored it. We’d dealt with it. Or so I hoped. I was wrong.
I sat up straighter, stretched my legs out, and felt my knee pop. “What’s wrong?”
“I went out last night,” she admitted but couldn’t look me in the face.
“Oh?” It was nothing new. She went out quite often. “With Ren?”
“No.” She looked away, her face flushing.
“Hey,” I said. “You’re worrying me.”
She was, and she had my full attention now. I leaned forward, stretching my back out with a crack.
“It was with Justin.”
I knew it. The inevitable happened…my insides roiled. Malaki had never talked about him again since her operation, but I’d seen them together and found it frustrating that she still couldn’t speak to me about him, about her feelings without the drugs.
“What?” I asked, confused. “Talk to me.”
“He asked me out for a drink, and everyone else was busy, so I said yes.”
I swallowed and coughed almost choking. She’d also asked me to go out, and I’d declined. I needed to practice and rest. Fuck, had I done her wrong by working so hard? I’d never forgive myself if…
“What happened?”
Malaki looked back at me, her eyes wide. “I don’t know,” she said. “I never really expected it to happen at all. We are professionals, right…but it did.”
If he fucking hurt her at all, he was a dead man. My hands curled into fists.
Stop, Apex said. Wait for her to talk. Wait for her to put into words what she needs to.
I breathed in and out, and though it killed me on the inside to do it, I waited.
“We went across the border to Sector Three,” she said. “He suggested a nice place, and I’d been there before, so I agreed. It was good, good music, good food, good company.” She wrung her hands together. “It was late, and we got a fast-track car home on his account. He walked with me back to our bunks.”
Nothing out of the ordinary there, I thought to Apex. Her whole demeanor, though…
“Rus, he kissed me.”
“I’ll kill him,” I said. I couldn’t help myself.
“No, Rus, wait.”
“What? You said he kissed you. No way, he shouldn’t have.”
I’d never seen my best friend so upset; fuck I was doing all of this wrong.
“You know I wanted him to,” she admitted. “You know I like him. More than like him.”
I sat back, still not really believing it. “You wanted him to kiss you?”
Malaki nodded, and her eyes drifted to the ground once more. “I really wanted him to.”
“Oh,” I said, and, like an idiot, I added, “Wasn’t it any good?”
When she looked at me, there was real pain there. “It was more than good.” She sighed.
“You really do like him?” I asked, and this answer was without the drugs this time. “A ten?”
Malaki nodded and burst into tears like she had after surgery.
Fuck, a woman crying. Such a no. Always a no. I was instantly there for her, my knees popping and my back cracking. I had my arms around her, and I was holding onto her as she wept.
“What’s wrong?”
“I can’t like him like this,” she sobbed. “We’re on the same squad. I tried to stop myself. I really did. It just…it feels so right. I couldn’t stop myself.”
“They’ll ship one of you out,” I said softly. “But doesn’t that only happen if it’s something real? I’m sure people screw around all the time, right?”
She looked up at me and put a hand on my chest. “I’ve never felt this, this pain.”
Pain.
“Mal, I’m sorry.”
“Why? You don’t like him,” she said, wiping snot on her sleeve.
I reached into my pocket, said “Here,” and gave her a tissue. “Only woman I know who doesn’t carry a snot rag.”
She laughed but it was weak. “I don’t usually need one.”
“I don’t like him,” I admitted. “We’ve had this mutual understanding all year. I—” I couldn’t say what I wanted to tell her, and her tear-stained face and pain hurt me. “I do want you to be happy.”
“Really?”
“Mal, if you told me today you wanted to marry him, I would feel weird, but I wouldn’t stop you.”
“We’ve never really talked about it. You know…”
“Relationships?” I rolled my eyes at her and let go of her slightly. She frowned. I knew what she meant. “Getting married? Having kids?”
“Certainly not with each other.”
“I didn’t think it would come up, to be honest. At least not yet. Not now.”
Malaki nodded and sniffed. “Me neither. I can’t help what I feel.”
This had been coming for months. “You want more from him? You’re not just horny, ‘cause I can find a good vibrator or maybe even a bot in Aug-Word for you if you like?”
“Prick,” she said, and pushed me away properly. She did laugh, though, and that was good.
The laugh was enough to break her pain. That’s all I needed. I leaned over to her and wiped the tears off her cheek. “You didn’t want to tell me, did you?”
She shook her head. “I didn’t know if I could. I debated all the way here.”
“Did you sleep with him?”
“No, it was just a kiss.”
“Just a kiss?”
“Well, it was.” She laughed again. “A very passionate, horny kiss.”
“He wanted more?”
“I think so.” She frowned. “I thought I might hear from him this morning, you know, anything.”
“And you haven’t?”
“No.” She sighed. “He doesn’t want me like that, does he?”
“I don’t know,” I said. I really wasn’t sure if he did or what his intentions for her were. I’d never thought to confront him, to ask.
My HUD pinged, and I wanted to ignore it. I caught the name out of the corner of my eye.
Justin’s name popped up. Fuck. What was he calling me for?
The message came across my screen then, and I read it fast.
Justin - Call me, please.
I thought back a message just as quick.
Me - I’m with Mal at the moment. Oh, I will, don’t you worry.
I sent it before I thought about how harsh it sounded. Fuck it, he needed to hear what I was going to say, anyway.
I could only imagine what he was thinking, and I wanted to know what happened from his side.
Malaki was wallowing. I had to get her up and us moving. We had a flight this afternoon and needed to feel a lot better than this. I had to master four drones. I had to. There were no more chances for me here. I also needed to distract her while I spoke to Justin. “I need a quick shower,” I said. “Then let’s grab some lunch, okay?”
Malaki nodded. “I haven’t managed to eat anything yet.”
“That’s no good,” I said. “I’ll be back in a minute.”
I went into the adjoining shower room, thinking I’d be okay. She’d let me alone. I was wrong.
“I don’t need you spying on my naked ass,” I said as she followed me.
“I’m not,” she replied. “I don’t want to be alone.”
“Okay.” I let out a big, exaggerated sigh. “I promise, no helicopters.”
She laughed, and I stripped and entered the shower unit, pushing the button.
I also comm’d Justin back. He answered straight away.
“You have two minutes,” I said. “I’m in the shower.”
“I don’t know what to say,” he stammered.
“How about you took my best friend out for some drinks? You had a great time, walked her home, and kissed her?”
“She told you everything?”
“She told me you haven’t even messaged her this morning.” I scrubbed at my body while talking but taking my anger out on myself wasn’t a good idea. My skin turned red fast.
“I’m freaking out here, Rusty.”
“Why?”
“I didn’t think she liked me like that. Yes, I took her out, it’s not the first time. I expected work stuff, you know…talking about helos. That’s all it usually is, her goals in life, mine. She’s never given me any clues at all that she was interested in me. But last night was different; she dressed up, and she laughed at all my lame jokes. We were having such a good time. Her leg touched mine, and she didn’t move it away. When we walked back, she got closer and closer to me. I was going to say good night at the door. I swear I was.”
“But you didn’t.” My anger was rising. I couldn’t help it. “You kissed her.”
“I moved in for it, yes, and she didn’t back away. I wanted her so badly; I wanted to see how she’d react. It was like a dream come true as my lips touched hers, and she responded to me.”
“I get it,” I said. “You’re like every other guy. Just want to get in her pants.”
“Fuck off,” he said, with pure venom. “She was practically dry-humping me, and I had to push her off. She begged me to go inside with her. I had to be really firm and say no.”
“You said no?”
“You okay in there?” Malaki shouted.
I focused on what I was doing for a moment. “Yeah, be out soon. Nearly done.”
I went back to him. He was still with me on comms. “She tried to get you to sleep with her?” That was a lot more than a kiss. “And you rejected her?” I was fuming about that then, too…how could he refuse her? What sort of idiot was he?
“Rus, I respect her so much. Do I wish I’d gone inside? Fuck yes. But what would that have led to this morning?”
“A whole other nightmare,” I admitted.
“Exactly.”
“You really like her?”
“Yes,” he insisted. “I more than like her. But the squad…we have a dynamic I couldn’t have ever dreamed of, either.”
He was right. As much as I didn’t like him at first, we worked well together. So well.
I didn’t know what to do here, either. I could hear the pain in his voice, like I had hers. Fuck, fuck, fuck.
I wanted to say You can’t be together. But that would have told him Malaki liked him, too. I didn’t want to fuel either of their desires.
“I’m almost out of time.” My shower really was almost up. I had to soap up fast and then wash off even quicker.
“What do I do?” he asked, his voice sounding so…so desperate.
“Ignore her,” I ordered, and my stomach churned. “Ignore her, and I’ll deal with the aftermath.”
“What if I can’t?”
I didn’t want to hear that…
“You can. Suck it up and do your fucking job.”
The water went off, and with it, I cut his comms.
I stood there shivering momentarily, and not because it was cold.
I don’t understand. You lied to him, Apex said.
I don’t know, I sighed. I feel it’s the right thing, but…
It might not be?
No, it might do more damage than good. But… I’m not sure we could deal with this right now either.
I think I understand. Apex said. But it might go wrong at some point in the future, be prepared for that.
Ughh, I know you’re right.
“I got you fresh clothes,” Malaki called through. “Just by the door.”
“Thanks.” I hit the drier on and waited while hot air blasted my body dry. Then I moved to dress, fast.
“I’m starving,” she said soon as she saw me.
“That’s good. I worked hard this morning. I need it, too.”
We walked to the mess and got trays of food, making our way outside to sit and feel the ocean breeze, even if it meant the food went cold faster. We never usually let it.
Malaki wasn’t talking anymore, and I didn’t like that. Was Justin embellishing the fact she’d tried to drag him inside? I really wanted to know. I had to know. “So, if Justin acts like nothing happened…”
I saw her cringe, and she put her spork down. “I tried to get him in my room.”
“Tried?” I lowered my voice. “You’re telling me you wanted to have sex with him?”
“He pushed me away. He didn’t want me, did he?”
I wanted to tell her the truth. I should tell her the truth.
I couldn’t.
I do believe it was for the best, right? Apex asked.
Yes, I replied. We need both of them. This squad needs all of us. This would split us all up.
Then lie to her.
“Prick’s not worth it.”
Her eyes. She needed me to talk her off this ledge, and I would. On the inside, though…it was killing me.
“He is, isn’t he?” she asked, stabbing a fry. “He led me on all night, then as soon as I showed I wanted him, he blew me off at the door.”
“Yes,” I lied. “He’s a fucking idiot.”
“You think he’s laughing at me?”
“No, no, he wouldn’t do that. He needs us like we need him.”
“I’m not sure I can work with him now.”
“We can. You’re a pro.”
“Ugh, I feel sick.”
She pushed her plate away even more, and I shoved it back. “If you were drinking with no antidote, you need it.”
“I wasn’t drinking, not in that sense.”
“You were both sober?”
When she nodded, I cringed on the inside even more. Alcohol usually freed any inhibitions, but without it, that meant they both really liked each other.
It’s for the best, Apex confirmed.
It is.
Malaki picked up her spork, stabbed a piece of chicken, and angrily ate it.
“Good,” I said. “I need you in top form for this afternoon. I have to nail those four drones.”
“The connection doing okay?”
“I can get three to respond. Four is tough.”
She nudged me under the table. “You got this. It takes that first time.”
I sighed. “I know. I kept telling Silao exactly that.”
“Eat up, then. We’ll get the prep done early.”
With gusto, I dove back into my lunch so we could leave.
***
The helo pad was as alive as usual, and our helicopter sat proudly.
“Still doesn’t feel real,” I said as we walked to it, bags in hand.
“I know, but it is. I saw you after that operation.”
“Checks and double checks,” I said, taking her and my mind away from that time. It wasn’t easy.
