Finally, the door opened casting bright lights across the grand front porch of the house like a sunrise. I could barely see through my soaking wet bangs as I mumbled, “Delivery for William S.”

  I held out the box and lifted my eyes to see none other than mechanic daddy staring down at me. His hand was poised under his chin and an amused smile formed across his lips as he said, “You’re all wet.”

  I was rendered speechless as the object of my affections stood before me. Initially, I wanted to reply to his comment with something snarky like, “You think?”

  But I was at his house and I couldn’t help the sudden feeling I had that the universe was playing tricks on me. I could feel a lump forming in my throat as he turned, set his pizza on an entryway table just inside the doorway, then turned back to face me.

  He leaned against the doorway and crossed his arms. He was wearing form fitting gray jogging pants with no shirt and I could tell he wasn’t wearing underwear underneath the pants from the way the soft fabric clung to his cock, revealing exactly how big it was. I was practically salivating. I shook my head to snap out of the trance his crotch had lured me into and turned my gaze toward his chest; his beautiful, naked, muscular, hairy, chest. Oh my god, his nipples are pierced.

  He cleared his throat but I was lost in the beautiful tattoo of engine gears painted across his entire chest and torso. It was a masterpiece suitable for framing, and oh how I wanted to bury my face between his muscular pecs and take in the aroma that was him. I had imagined he smelled of leather and feral masculinity. I could feel myself getting hard and crossed my legs.

  The sound of his voice snapped me out of my fantasy, “Dreadful night to be out making deliveries.”

  “Huh?” I replied dreamily.

  He chuckled, “You’re gonna catch a cold out here in this weather.”

  I smiled and replied meekly, “I was just on my way home after this delivery.”

  He grinned and our eyes locked. In this moment he was all eyes piercing through the night; touching me, undressing me, and it was tearing me up inside. I suddenly felt the need to explain why I left earlier, “I’m so sorry I left without saying anything earlier today. I figured you were super busy and I didn’t want to keep you from your work.”

  He stretched out his hand and gently pushed my wet bangs from in front of my eyes, “It’s okay kiddo. I’m just happy I got to see you again before I went to bed; it makes it easier to fantasize about your beautiful face.”

  I blushed and turned away, “Oh my.”

  Before I could respond he stepped back inside and closed the door behind him. I panicked, should I knock and ask him if he’d be interested in going out with me? Should I just leave?

  I heard my phone chime with a message from inside my pocket. I quickly pulled it out to check it and found that he had messaged me through my delivery app, “I’ve been wanting to ask you out since the first time I saw you walk into my shop. Care to have dinner with me sometime? If you would, then my number is...”

  He had spelled it out with words because the delivery app won’t allow you to share personal information. Then he finished the message with a winking emoji followed by, “Be safe cutie -Billy”

  If this was a cartoon, this would be the moment where I melted into a puddle on his front porch. I gazed at my mangled umbrella but made no attempt to fix it. I just slowly strolled down the steps, through the rain, and back to my car with a goofy smile on my face. Fate was determined to see Billy and I together and for once, my clumsiness didn’t interfere. I was officially on cloud nine and my stomach was full of butterflies.

  On the drive home I was all smiles. Earlier in the day I had dreaded hearing Martha fuss at me for chickening out with Billy, but now I could happily report that we in fact were going to have our first date and very soon. I had decided to call him in the morning to see if we could go to dinner tomorrow night. As I stepped inside and peeled away my rain-soaked jacket Martha shouted from her room, “Leo, is that you?”

  “Yes ma’am,” I said as I made my way to her room.

  She was sitting in her nightgown watching a crime investigation show as she quipped, “Where have you been? I had to put your dinner in the fridge because you were taking so long.”

  I greeted her with a hug, “I’m sorry, Martha. I had a really busy day of deliveries.”

  She nodded, “Well that should make for a good paycheck!”

  “Mm-hmm.”

  She wouldn’t look away from her TV, but somehow she could still carry on a conversation and watch her show, “So, how did things go with your mechanic friend? Did you ask him out?”

  I sighed, “Eventually.”

  She turned her gaze to me, “Oh?”

  I smiled, “It’s an interesting story, if you’re not too tired to hear it?”

  She huffed, “I’m never too tired for a good story; spill it.”

  CHAPTER THREE

  Billy’s Secret

  I walked numbly back to the couch with my pizza and set it on the coffee table. It’s the same mundane routine I followed every night. After work I’m usually too tired to do anything but order dinner and watch TV. It’s been this way for a long time now. Most nights I do okay and manage to keep my emotions from getting the best of me.

  But when it rains I remember him. I remember everything like it was yesterday. All the nights of waiting, wishing, and hoping that I would wake up from this nightmare and everything would be okay. I remember the way the rain washed down the mirror-like windows of the hospital room during those last few days he was still mine.

  I remember his tiny little body covered in rashes and the way he would whimper, “I’m so cold,” when the fevers would break and turn into chills. I’d lay next to him and hold him tight until he fell asleep. I wish I would have got the chance to grow old with him but sometimes life has other plans. Sometimes I get so bitter that death chose him instead of me.

  It’s not easy to go on living with the same disease that killed the person you had planned to spend the rest of your life with. HIV, she’s a cold hard bitch with no respect for status, gender, or orientation; gay or straight, young or old, rich or poor, it doesn’t matter to her.

  I had met Denny when he was thirty-one through a dating website for HIV positive people. He was such a beautiful boy with piercing green eyes and a lean body from running and exercise just like Leo. He had explained on one of our first dates that he was very promiscuous when he was younger and I told him about how I’d overcome drug addiction. That’s how I got it; using needles after others.

  I’d gotten hooked on drugs after my parents disowned me when I came out to them. It was the mid-nineties and I had found shelter from the streets by making friends with those in the club scene. Unfortunately, those people introduced me to the wild world of heroin and ecstasy. For the longest time I tried to pretend that it wasn’t an addiction; that I could stop anytime I wanted. But as I watched each and every one of my friends die from OD I suddenly realized this thing had a stronghold on me.

  I survived, but in the end I ended up paying the price. I’m undetectable now, thanks to medication and staying healthy; some days I don’t feel so well but most of the time I’m fine. I just keep reminding myself that every day is a gift and the cemeteries are full of my friends who would have given anything for just one more day; including my precious Denny.

  At the very end, his mind had started to slip and he couldn’t remember anybody. He thought that I was his dad and if it gave him peace to think that I was, then I wasn’t about to tell him that I wasn’t. Even though deep inside it hurt so bad that he couldn’t remember me. But all he ever wanted was for his dad to forgive and accept him for who he was. His mom had passed away when he was young so the only family he had left in this world besides me was his dad. I’m glad I was able to ease his mind so he could cross over to the other side in peace.

  We had only been together for five short years when he died and I still remember him whispering, “Dad, I’m so glad you came, I knew you would come.” I’d never cried so hard and for so long in my life. At the time, I was working for a repair shop with a buddy of mine. Daryl was the one who kept me going after Denny passed away and when he got his own shop, he hired me on as a mechanic.

  When Denny died, I wanted so bad to go back to my old habits. But, he helped me build a reputation and eventually helped me get the credit to buy the shop from him when he decided to move to Florida with his wife. Until now, work has fulfilled the purpose of keeping me grounded but lately I’ve been feeling so alone and desires I had thought were dead have been reawakened. But nobody wants to sleep with a poz guy.

  When Leo walked into the shop a few weeks ago, I thought the universe was playing tricks on me. Not since Denny had I seen eyes so green and striking; so striking in fact that they left me a nervous wreck. That’s why I initially came across a little gruff towards him. Never again did I think there would be another boy who could make me feel this way.

  The truth is I’ll always be an addict; it can be to anything, and one look from him was like a hit to my body. The sound of his voice was like a shot, I could feel every syllable he uttered course through my veins and straight to my heart. Since then, he’s all I can think about. I’ll do anything to know what it feels like to be one with him. Even if we’re not compatible, all I need is just one time to get my fix and if he decides afterwards that things won’t work out between us, then at least I can die happy knowing that we tried.

  **

  The next morning, I woke up before dawn. My dreams had been filled with fantasies about Leo. Originally, I was going to wait for him to call me but I just couldn’t get him off my mind. I knew he didn’t live far from me because I see him every day on my way to the shop when he goes for his run. So many mornings I followed him debating upon whether I should stop and just ask him on a date but I would always chicken out and speed away before he could see me.

  I have a gym in my house so I can stay fit but something inside of my soul was pushing me to go outside today. Sometimes when I take a day off I go for a run around the neighborhood to break up the monotony of running on the treadmill. I knew he would eventually pass by where my street and the main road intersects. This was it; I was going to do it. Today is the day fantasy becomes reality.

  As I exited, I grabbed my keys and phone from the entryway table. After tucking them safely into the pockets of my joggers I took off. I was only a few blocks from the house and my heart was already pounding in anticipation. I was scanning every side street and alley to see if I saw him. I can’t believe I am doing this but I’m tired of sitting on my ass and just waiting for the perfect boy to find me.

  The closer I got to the river the more desperate I was getting to find him. The thrill of the chase, the adrenaline of the hunt was driving me insane. I was thirty minutes in and there were still no signs of the elusive angel I had come to know as Leo. I stopped momentarily to lean against a tree in the river park and to catch my breath. Sweat was tracing lines down my back and chest, soaking through the soft fabric of my muscle shirt.

  The night clouds had begun to dissipate as the light from rising sun began to fill the sky. I turned my gaze toward the empty city streets then closed my eyes; it was a stupid idea. How was I going to find a boy based on his running route?

  I sighed and wiped the sweat from my brow. Maybe he and I were just not meant to be. Maybe all the tension that had lingered between us during our serendipitous meetings was just nervousness disguised as attraction. Or maybe I was just a fool who had convinced himself that someone as young as him was actually interested in someone as old as me, even though I’m not that old.

  It was disappointing but at least I still had my pride. I had brought my airpods with me just in case I didn’t run into Leo so I could get lost in my music on the way home. But, just as I was putting them in my ears I saw a shadow turn the corner at the end of street. No, it couldn’t be. I smiled big as his tiny body came into view. The shiny spandex of his tank top was clinging to his frame like plastic and time seemed to stand still as he got closer and closer to where I was standing.

  Part of me wanted to reach out and tackle him from sheer happiness and excitement, but my lovesick heart was too busy admiring the way his hair gently blew to one side under the pressure of the cool morning breeze. He is beautiful and just like the first time I saw him, he had taken my breath away.

  I had to get his attention somehow. I tossed up my hand and shouted, “Hey!”

  He didn’t notice me. He just kept running. I started running toward him, “Leo!”

  He pulled out his headphones and glanced around with a confused expression. “Hey!” I shouted again, and he tripped. Oh shit, he was going down. I pumped my arms and legs as fast as they would take me to try and get to him but before I could make it he crashed to the ground. I watched as he put out his hands in an attempt to brace himself. I suddenly felt so guilty for distracting him as he hit the ground and rolled onto his back.

  “Ahh,” he cried out in pain.

  As I arrived, I stooped to my knees and cradled him in my arms. “Don’t worry baby boy, Billy’s got you.”

  I glanced down to assess the damage; he had a few scuffs from the fall but otherwise seemed okay, and as he regained his composure he gazed up into my eyes. I flashed him a smile.

  “Billy?” he suddenly looked embarrassed to see me and closed his eyes.

  Seeing him upset was hurting my heart so I decided to try and lighten the mood, “If you wanted to hug something, I would have been here in just a second.”

  He giggled and covered his face with his hands, “Ugh, I thought I heard someone call my name.”

  I bit my bottom lip, “I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean to make you trip.”

  He removed his hands from his face as he sat upright. My hand was still on his back as he sighed and stared at his legs, “It probably would have happened anyway, even if you didn’t shout at me.”

  I apologized again as he turned his eyes back to me, “I’m actually glad I ran into you, I was going to call you after my run.”

  He smiled and it felt like someone had gut punched me. We held one another’s gaze for a moment as I lifted my hand and brushed his bangs to the side. He closed his eyes to bask in my touch, then I stood and offered to help him up. As he stood he stumbled a little and fell into my chest. My pecs caught him and his face lingered for a moment between them. Slowly he lifted and met my gaze again. I placed my hands on the sides of his head while his hands rested on my shoulders. Our chests rose and fell in synchrony. Our mouths were suspended open. Our faces were only inches apart and growing closer with each passing second.

  I could feel him, his body clinging to mine, his breath hitting my lips. I took them, and as I did I could feel his fingers pressing into my skin. I lingered until a soft whimper vibrated through his chest then we separated. As we did, I took in a deep breath, pushed his face into my pecs again, then threw my arms tightly around him. “You don’t know how much I’ve been waiting to do that.”

  It all came out as I exhaled and my heart started to beat again. Once the initial bliss of finally getting to kiss him subsided I suddenly felt a wave of regret hit me. I had wanted to tell him my secret before anything like this happened between us. I was so angry that I didn’t keep my emotions in check. I’ve never been one to let my disease hinder me but I know all too well that some people are still so uneducated when it comes to people living with HIV. “I’m so sorry,” I said as I covered my mouth and turned away.

  His expression highlighted with worry as he whimpered, “Did I do something wrong?”

  I turned to meet his gaze and quickly reassured him that it had nothing to do with him, “Not at all kiddo, you were perfect.”

  I stumbled over my words trying to find a way to explain my sudden change in demeanor, “It’s just I know there’s something here and the last thing I want to do it hurt you or let you go on thinking I’m someone I’m not.”

  His eyes danced with confusion. “What do you mean?”

  I glanced around for a place to sit. I couldn’t let this go on a second longer without telling him. I needed to get this over with as quickly as possible in case he didn’t want to see me again. I wanted to be able to make a hasty retreat with what little shred of dignity I had left.

  In the park across the street I saw a bench facing the river. I took his hand and led him. He sat down and I stared at him for a moment. My god he’s so beautiful, so innocent, so sweet. Why couldn’t I have found a boy like him years ago? Maybe I wouldn’t have made some of the stupid choices I made that got me where I am now. My heart was already starting to crumble at the thought that he might not want anything to do with me once I tell him the truth.

  I had gotten lost in my thoughts searching for words. He pulled me back, “Billy, whatever you need to tell me I will understand.”

  My lips quivered with fear. The last thing I ever wanted to do was hurt him. I looked away and stiffened my upper lip to try and keep my emotions in check. Then, to my surprise I felt him take my hand. I turned to face him and he asked, “Are you married? Is that what it is?”

  “No,” I shook my head.

  “Straight?”

  I shook my head again.

  “Then what is it?” His tone grew urgent as I tightened my grip on his hand and sat down beside him.

  I shifted my other hand, covering his entirely with mine and gently stroked his wrists with my thumbs. I took a deep breath and our eyes met, “Leo, I’m HIV positive.”

  He stared blankly into my eyes as I continued to explain. Finally, I paused and his lips formed a smile, “So? You can’t catch HIV through a kiss. I mean we’ll have to be careful if we do other things, that is if we do other things, not saying that I don’t want to do other things…”

 

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