Effective Communication Skills, page 4
Ask relevant questions
Empathy is about stepping in when someone needs help. If your partner is struggling with something, it can be a bit hard to determine the right course of action, which can be overcome through asking relevant questions. Asking questions helps you retrace the background of the problem and leads to faster solutions.
Avoid judging your partner
When things take a turn for the worse, it can be so tempting to question your partner, and then judge them. No matter how careless their decisions appear to be, you have to understand that your partner had the best intentions. Of course this is not to mean that you should celebrate mediocrity in your partner. But rather, you should point out their mistakes in a non-judging fashion. You have to be pretty skilled at expressing your point. When you judge your partner, you will trigger their defensiveness, and things could become ugly pretty fast. Relationships are about growing and taking lessons together. Get rid of a judgmental attitude and make peace with the limitations of your partner.
Ease off your partner’s responsibilities
As long as you are in a relationship, there’s no running away from responsibilities. Each one of you has a set of things they are responsible for. But it doesn’t hurt to relieve your partner of their responsibilities – temporarily or permanently – especially when it helps them in an ambitious sense. For instance, if your spouse starts attending classes at night for their master’s degree, you can take up the responsibility of fixing dinner, when it was previously the other partner’s responsibility. This shows that you recognize their tight schedule and the fact that they’d be too tired to cook after work and classes.
Consider their needs
We can also demonstrate empathy by noticing our partner’s needs and wants even before they admit it. For instance, if your partner works in a demanding job, and the salary is not glorious, they’ll be obviously struggling. Their car might get old. Their clothes might start fading colors. And so on. But who says you can’t give them cash to pay deposit for a new car? Who says you can’t buy them new clothes? When you show your partner that you can see their wants and needs, you become a very special person to them. Don’t be the person that does something for your partner only when asked to.
Communicate
There’s nothing you could be engaged in that would deny you time to talk with your spouse. When you hear baby-boomers saying that they have no time for their significant others, you might think that they are so busy at work, but no, they are busy with their phones or computers. Communication plays a big role in the success of a relationship. You have to learn to communicate effectively with your significant other so that you can keep your relationship tight. Learn to communicate despite what you may be going through. Your partner will view you as sincere and it will deepen their affection toward you.
Invest in yourself
In as much as empathy is about giving to others, understand that you have to have something before you can give. Know your limits. Don’t chase validation. Keep investing in yourself so as to have the resources to help others at a later date. One of the common ways of investing in yourself is acquiring a new skill. The modern economy is skill-based, which means the more skills you have, the more opportunities at your door, and consequently the higher your earning capacity. Having more resources generally translates into a larger capacity of demonstrating empathy. One can also invest in their emotional health, physical health, and adventure.
Being around when needed
For some crazy reason, there are couples who consider their staying away from each other as something to be admired. They don’t like sharing the same space for an extended amount of time. Not to say they are doomed, but obviously that’s weird. Nothing else is as pleasurable as spending quality time with your significant other. So, when your partner communicates their need to have you around, ensure that you grant them their wish. Such moments are both magical and emotion-laden. You partner comes to understand that you are a reliable person. Of course not everyone can manage to show up whenever their spouses want them to, but you can always make up for it when the time is right.
Be compassionate
Life is tough. There are no enough kind people. Your partner knows that too well. But why don’t you be their oasis of kindness? Being compassionate with your partner leaves them with no doubt that you are the best thing that ever happened to them. Compassion is rooted in respect. The following are some of the ways you can be more compassionate:
1. Acknowledgment: let your partner know that you are proud of them, are grateful for their contribution, and you look forward to a future with them.
2. Tenderness: handle your partner like a fragile thermos. Do little sweet things for them and rub the small of their back. Let them feel almost as though they have become babies again.
3. Respect: declare your respect for them.
Chapter 9: Tips and techniques to increase sexual intimacy in a marriage
Sex is such a big deal in a marriage. If a couple is not sexually fulfilled, they may try to brave it out at first, but ultimately the bow out. But things don’t have to reach there. It’s just a matter of understanding what ails you and then finding a remedy.
In the beginning, most marriages are perfect with the lovers jumping to bed at every opportunity like excited little rabbits, but as time goes on, there are some other things that hijack this reality. What are these things?
1. Children: before you had children you used to have sex on a constant basis. You could have it nearly every day. And sometimes you could have it several times in a day. But once kids came into the picture, they became your main priority, leaving the husband out, and nowadays you are too tired to think about – or want – sex.
2. Career: maybe when you met, one or both of you didn’t have demanding jobs. But as time passed, you scaled career ladders and now both of you or one of you doesn’t have the time or the energy to spend on sex. They are too invested in their career that they just don’t care about anything else. Maybe they keep telling their partner that they plan to go easy at a certain point in time, except this day never comes.
3. Money: nothing demotivates a person much faster than being broke, especially for the man. When you are held in the claws of poverty, life seems like this big dark hole that you must climb out of, and for the most part, there’s no fun in almost any activity, sex included. Your erection isn’t even stiff because what the hell, you’re broke.
4. Hidden worries: in order to enjoy sex in a wholesome manner, your mind has to be worry-free. Sadly, the pressures of modern living have us battling worries on every turn we make. This can put us in a state of negativity and hold us back from enjoying our lives.
5. Fury: maybe nowadays you fight too much and you hate that person that you are having sex with. Your hatred keeps you from enjoying the sex. Maybe in the beginning makeup sex was something. But the fights became too frequent and makeup sex doesn’t make sense anymore.
6. Health: if one or both of you have a medical issue, you may experience difficulties enjoying sex. The body is a complex system and every part plays a role in ensuring general wellbeing. So when there’s a problem somewhere that person won’t be in a position to behave as they should.
7. Weight: women especially are sensitive about their body image. Gaining weight can make them too conscious of their bodies and cause them to keep off sex. But that’s a problem they can quickly overcome through a clean diet and exercising.
But now that we have established some of the factors that hold couples back from having as much sex as they should, let’s look at ways that couples may improve their sex life:
Talk about sex
Don’t assume that you are on top of the world when it comes to sex. Find out what your partner thinks about your sexual prowess, and if it’s subpar, how you can make it great. Talk about the dirty little tricks in your pocket. Make your wife open up about her dirty mind and let her confess what she fantasizes about. Make note of her fantasies and be of help in making her fantasies come true.
Be spontaneous
Don’t be the couple who take to sex like some goddamn medicine that you can only have at certain times. After some time it will get boring and your wife will be watching the clock, dreading that moment when she shows for another round of mediocre sex. What you must do is make it spontaneous. Go to the kitchen and find your wife washing dishes, humming, and that’s when you hold her in an elbow-lock, and drag off to the bedroom like a predator dragging its prey. Of course you have to have her consent to explore your wild sexual nature.
Write love letters
Words possess an incredibly powerful force. A carefully written love note will increase desire and make them long to put their hands on their lover. Tuck those letters at strategic places so that they catch your lover by surprise.
Go out and dance
Hitting the club with your loved one and taking to the dance floor will see your sexual chemistry go through the roof. Dancing is a truly wonderful affair and apart from making you more desirable it is an excellent full-body workout.
Learn new sex positions
Instead of just sitting there recycling that sex position you learned ages ago and complaining of your partner’s inability to satisfy you, just learn new sex positions, or better yet invent them. You can learn these positions by doing extensive research or you can call upon your imaginative juices and think up new sex positions.
Fulfill your man’s fantasies
Generally, the guy is always under pressure to perform. People ridicule guys with small penises. People ridicule guys without stamina. People expect men to make women sexually satisfied. Men have this sexual burden that they never talk about. So, it would be incredible to have someone make them a priority. Listen to your man’s fantasies and make them come true. Don’t stop until he roars with satisfaction.
Exchange dominant and submissive roles
Don’t be always on top and don’t be always at the bottom. Take it as an opportunity to explore various things about yourself. It will help you understand whether you are really submissive or dominant or a mix of both.
Create a sex heaven
The thing is, sex is every bit a mental thing as it is physical. If you are mentally tined out, you won’t find the inspiration to be a good sexual mate. One of the ways you can make yourself sex positive is to create a living space that’s truly magical. When you enter into such a space you will instantly realize that you need a sexual playmate. But if you are living in a disorganized shack you will hate the idea of sex. You’ll be coming in and only wanting to sleep.
Quickies
Don’t let your wife imagine that she’s safe from your paws by saying that the kids and work demands are making her miss out on sex. Introduce her to quickies. Grab her when she’s in the middle of tasks and indulge in a quickie. Both of you will be thankful.
Build up the eagerness
If you want to have a night of fun with your significant other, start preparing early in the day. Send them raunchy texts, messing with their minds, building up anticipation. When you finally meet it will be too easy to get in the flow. Words are very powerful aphrodisiacs and if used well they can make even the most sex-negative person go around begging for some action.
Wear nice clothes
Don’t prance around wearing substandard clothes and rags and expect that your significant other will be drooling. It doesn’t happen that way. Invest in great clothes and shoes and accessories. People are superficial, and your spouse is no exception.
The magic of sex toys
There’s a misconception that sex toys are for self-pleasuring. You can very well use sex toys when you are with your lover. For instance, you can tie up your wife and then use the sex toys and she’ll be helpless. The orgasms will be much stronger because sex toys don’t stamina problems. Discuss with your spouse about the sex toys that they find most appealing. The sex toy industry is a billion dollar affair so you will definitely find something that you fancy.
Chapter 10: Overcoming marital hardships as a team
Some people get into marriage with the wrong fantastic expectations. They seem to imagine that it will be a sweet boat ride. But then they are shocked at the number of hardships waiting for them. Meeting these challenges as a team makes for easy work. The following are some of the common troubles that you might have to overcome at one point in your married life.
Financial trouble
Never underestimate the determination of the dark forces to make you look small. It doesn’t matter how great you consider yourself to be at making money. One day you might take this long dark road that leads to a financial desert. It is one of the biggest tests that a man can endure. This is because the world revolves around money. And if you’ve got none then you are dispensable. During this time you’ll get to learn of those who mean you well and those who mean you harm. You will also get to learn of your true (or not so true) friends. This is because your survival instincts will show you to reach out to your contacts for help except you’ll find out that some are unreliable. If you manage to get yourself into the “I’m broke” situation, avoid being overwhelmed. What you need is a proper plan to get out of that dark hole. But most importantly, you need the support of your spouse, especially emotional support. If they decide to attack you it would be brutal.
Difficult children
In the good old days, kids were raised by the whole community. And honest to God, those kids were well-behaved. Nowadays, the kids fall way back in terms of discipline. Maybe it’s because they have ready access to all sorts of negative information on the internet as opposed to the good old days where parents and the well-meaning society were the guardians of information. But this is the point: raising kids in the current is a hell of a task. If your kids turn out to be respectful adults with a positive contribution to society, good for you! But chances are your kids will give you trouble. They may get involved in drugs, unsafe sex, dangerous living, running away from home, and antisocial behavior. But if you join hands with your spouse, you can meet this challenge, and point your kids in the right direction before it’s too late.
Immaturity
There’s always that cheeky child inside each one of us. His habits are not pleasant. If you are married, you don’t want that child coming out frequently to complicate your life. You want to act like a strong mature person because that’s what the world respects. Never be too sure in yourself that you reject what people who mean you good tell you. For instance, if your spouse warns you that you are behaving obnoxiously, don’t treat it lightly, but check to see whether it’s true, and then make a conscious effort to right that fault.
Being unfaithful
Most marriages have crumbled because of a partner’s unfaithfulness. Sadly, there are too many opportunities for partners to cheat in the current world. If it’s your wife, wherever she goes she’s directly or indirectly offered sex, and in this way, her commitment is put to test. Once you betray the trust of your partner and give yourself to the weakness of your flesh, understand that what you once had is gone; and it doesn’t matter whether your significant other finds out about your unfaithfulness; but if they do, you are obviously at risk of losing not only your marriage, but your sanity as well. It takes great courage to overlook betrayal in a partner and give them a second chance.
Moving
Our careers take us many places around the world. But constant moving could put a strain on the marriage. We lose touch with our communities and friends and go to totally new places. And we put our spouses in the hard spot of having to choose between us and their jobs. People who never stick around at a place for long enough to get rooted end up being unstable because they lack real networks. And this can be pretty harmful in the modern world considering that we rely on our networks to make progress.
Sickness
It’s one of the most troubling things that could befall a couple. Although all sicknesses are unpleasant, there’s a still scale to the degree of unpleasantness. When your partner gets ill and is put on medication is not as tough as when your partner crashes their car and becomes paralyzed. In the latter case you might have to take care of them for the rest of their lives. Many marriages collapse as soon as a partner is diagnosed with a life threatening disease. What can we say of those who run away from their spouses when they fall ill? Are they cowardly? Heartless? Or simply scared? A good partner would stick around and offer both emotional and physical support to their sick partner. This is the reason why it’s important to take your time before you decide on whom you want to marry. You certainly don’t want someone that will pull a runner when you do as little as a cough.
Depression
The global statistics on depression are worrying. It seems a great many people are battling serious mental illnesses. Depression takes away the soul from your life, reducing you into a functional robot. And the worst bit is that people who are depressed tend to live in denial. There are no formulas to how depression comes in. You just find yourself drowning, helpless. It would take an understanding spouse to help you understand what’s going on with your life and overcome that challenge with patient guidance. Battling depression is never a good experience, but once you get through it, you can now perceive your life through the lens of objectivity. It’s priceless.
