Effective Communication Skills, page 3
3. Lonely: when your partner is feeling alone, they are not keen on dissecting another one of life’s challenges, but the one thing that they are really in need of is your companionship. They need you take them in their arms and assure them that things will be fine.
4. Tired: are you the kind of person that brings up issues immediately after your partner walks into the house after a difficult day at work? You are needlessly jeopardizing your relationship. Such behavior is not only bothersome but disrespectful as hell.
Always wait for the opportune moment to bring up an issue, especially if it is a sensitive matter.
The “Three and three” decree
Some couples experience difficulties listening to each other. They are perpetually caught up in fights. And this makes it hard for them to make any progress. This tool can be effective in helping such couples overcome their challenge of not paying attention to one another. It starts with the flip of a coin. The winner gets to talk – uninterrupted – for three minutes. Then the other person takes three minutes to issue a reply. Such an arrangement ensures that both partners are heard.
The S.T.O.P. rule
This tool is aimed at avoiding conflict and reconciling couples at the onset of a fight. For instance, if a couple is engaged in a sensitive topic, and the temperature of the conversation is steadily rising, they have to STOP the conversation. Then they have to take a break, each one hanging out in a different area for between thirty to sixty minutes to ensure they are totally calm. Now they can come back and each of them is to take ownership of their role in creating the conflict and not attack their partner or defend their position. Owning to your mistakes is a great show of maturity and sets one up for further cooperation. Finally, both parties participate in a ritual that promotes peace between them; commonly, it’s a kiss, but you can go as far as your imagination allows, provided that you don’t offend anyone and that your spouse is actually okay with it.
The principle of repeating
This technique is aimed at improving one’s understanding of what the other one was saying. When your partner is done speaking and somehow you are not sure whether you heard them well, you might want to restate, in a summary, what they just said. This removes all chances of miscommunication and also discourages conflict.
Chapter 6: Nonverbal communication between couples
Indeed we human beings are pretty complex. Our brain is one of a kind. It computes many things at once and causes us to be extremely dynamic creatures. Our subconscious mind is aware of the environment and the actions of the people around us and influences us unconsciously. It’s surprising that when it comes to communication, it’s not merely about what’s said, but more about how it’s said. Nonverbal communication carries more weight than verbal communication.
Research shows that couples who are deliberate in their nonverbal communication tend to enjoy extremely close relationships. Some of the deliberate nonverbal communication signals include: posture, facial expression, eye contact, attitude; breathing style, tone, and walking style. Of course a couple may include other actions that their imagination tells them to.
When a couple becomes great at nonverbal communication, they get to understand each other more, and this reduces instances of conflict in the marriage. Every couple ought to start being deliberate in their nonverbal communication efforts. These are some of the important tips for boosting your nonverbal communication game.
Display affection
Don’t pay attention to the cynics. Love still makes the world go around. If you are in love with someone, don’t be the person who just verbalizes it as opposed to demonstrating it. And it’s not that hard to demonstrate that you love your partner. Some of the actions you might take to demonstrate your affection include:
1. Holding hands: hold your partners hands both when you are indoors and outdoors. It gives them warmth and a sense of security. If you are running errands in town walk hand in hand into various public places. But be sensitive to your environment and let their hand go when it’s inconvenient to keep holding hands e.g. along narrow, crowded passages where people are brushing past each other.
2. Kiss: when you depart from each other, and when you meet again, hug and kiss as you find out how their day or week or month had been like.
Smile
If your partner doesn’t inspire you, or at least doesn’t make you feel nice, then that’s a troubling sign. But problems will always be there and it’s for us to choose whether we’ll surmount them or whether we’ll throw our hands up and cry defeat. So, if you are committed toward improving your relationship, get into the habit of smiling. Wear a big genuine smile when you are with your partner. It sends out the message that you consider them a pleasant person and it compels them to act in a loving manner too. Apart from being a strong indicator of pleasant feelings, smiling will afford you a host of other benefits such as: good feelings, improved health, and a positive mindset.
Practice patience
For some odd reason, most of us appear to be in a rush. Nobody takes their time anymore. And even worse, we rush our loved ones. This can be depressing. Learn to be the person that’s patient with your loved ones. Let them have the sense that you are there for them for forever. It will deepen their affection for you. Take them out on dates to places with a relaxed and exquisite ambience, far away from the stampede of crowds, and hectic activities. Being patient also involves accepting your partner’s weaknesses and having a positive attitude as they work through these weaknesses.
Be their playmate
You might grow old physically, but it helps to remain a child at heart. Yes, there’s nothing wrong with playing around like a child, especially if you have your loved one to keep you company. Come up with interesting games and indulge your partner as you both play around like kids. It not only strengthens your bond but gives you tremendous health and mental benefits. Playing around helps you shed weight, tone your skin, clear your mind of stress, and acquire quality sleep. Create a schedule that will direct you activities and ensure that you are having enough quality time.
Be a flirt
People are generally unfazed about what the world thinks of them, but when it comes to their partner, it’s different; they care about their spouse’s opinion of them. Thus, any form of validation coming from their spouse is greatly welcome. One of the ways you can validate your partner is by letting them know that you still find them attractive. It doesn’t matter how long you have been together, flirting can never go out of style. So, be subtle with your facial expressions and eye contact as you show your partner that they are still hot cake. This will make them not only increase their respect for you but also deepen their affection towards you.
Create rituals
When the word “fun” is mentioned, people imagine that dollars must be spent, when it’s not necessarily the case. If you are imaginative enough, and grounded enough, there are lots of things you can do with your partner that cost almost zero dollars. Having fun isn’t just about hitting clubs or restaurants. It’s about creating rituals that will bring you closer together. For instance, you can decide to be delving into the woods every other Friday night with your bikes. Such activities will not only make you appreciate each other but also strengthen your affections. Also, you can take long walks on the beach holding hands and seeping cocktails. Whatever your idea of fun; just ensure that you turn it into a ritual so that you might create more pleasant memories and deepen your love for one another. And keep expanding your library of fun ideas.
Be an attentive listener
A major pet peeve amongst married people, especially women, is that their husbands hardly ever listen attentively. The husband will start off pretty well, looking in her face, nodding, but then somewhere down the line they lose interest and start gazing at random stuff while giving airy answers. Nothing excites your partner more than being an attentive listener. It shows that you deeply value their contribution. In this modern era, there’s a lot of stuff to distract us, but we have to increase our resolve to be attentive. To ensure that you are fully attentive, face your partner when they are talking to you, and put distractions (TV and phones) on hold while your partner is talking with you.
Be thoughtful
There are many opportunities to show your partner that you still have them in mind. For instance, if they achieve a milestone, don’t dismiss it as a small win, but rather acknowledge their stellar performance with e.g. a gift or a handwritten note artistically placed so that they might find it easily. Showing your partner that you are a thoughtful person will bring out their best behavior and cause them to want to shower you with love too.
Be devoted
Don’t make it seem like being around your partner is such a bother. Instead, be the devoted lover, both indoors and outdoors. Be passionate about your work too. Ensure that you have an active lifestyle so you don’t run out of energy. Devotion indicates that you are building your future, which makes your partner secure.
Chapter 7: How emotional intelligence improves conversations
Emotional intelligence is generally about an individual’s capacity to manage their emotions and those of the people around them. Research shows that emotional intelligence is the single biggest factor that affects the upward mobility of a person’s career. But even when it comes to personal relationships, emotional intelligence plays a significant role. It helps us communicate in a more discerning fashion. And it goes a long way toward strengthening a union.
It’s vital to develop emotional intelligence because it helps improve the quality of conversations as explained below:
It promotes assertiveness
Being assertive doesn’t mean that one is cocky or snobbish. Assertiveness is rooted in a healthy self-esteem and it helps a person stand up for what they truly want. In a relationship, every partner has their needs, but they have to express them assertively so that these needs can be met. Weak people tend to express themselves in a poor manner and it lessens their chances of getting what they wish for. Being assertive makes your partner respect you.
Conflict savvy
When you are in a marriage, conflict is to be expected. But the survival of the marriage depends on how the partners will handle the whole thing. If they go at each other’s throats, it will put rifts in their relationship, invite resentment, and possibly result in a breakup. But people with high emotional intelligence know better than to be combative. This is not to mean that they avoid conflict but rather they are extremely skilled at articulating the issue and finding a solution that will last. And this ability of theirs helps them create strong relationships.
Active listening
Being an attentive listener is vital for effective communication. Sadly, most couples are stuck with partners with a very low attention span. One moment they are listening and the next moment their attention is caught by something else. But an emotionally intelligent person will engage in active listening. This allows the, to participate fully in the conversation. It also helps in clearing away the doubts. Emotional intelligence helps a person develop the patience and the right body language that aids them in listening to their partner. This eliminates miscommunication and helps a couple achieve its goals even faster.
Motivation
Each day countless couples call it quits, not because they can’t stand each other, but just because laziness is in the mix. Motivation doesn’t come naturally to everyone. Some people take a long time before making important decisions and this affects their relationship. But people with high emotional intelligence are usually self-motivated. They don’t wait for forever before taking necessary action. Their diligence invites respect and brings the couple closer together. Every good thing in life is acquired through hard work. And if you are not motivated, you won’t put the required effort to have a stable relationship.
Positivity
A negative attitude is not only a psychological impediment to success, but it drives away people from your life. You can’t have a strong relationship going when you are full of negativity. But when someone radiates positive energy, people are drawn to them, and are interested in how they can work together for a common goal. Emotionally intelligent people tend to be high on positivity and this quality of theirs invites their partner to be more considerate. They allow mostly positive thoughts to go on in their minds. And they infect the world around them with positivity.
Self-awareness
A self-aware person is in touch with the main aspects of their being. They know their strengths, weaknesses, and motivations. A self-aware person tends to make realistic expectations for they are grounded in reality. This is a very special skill for it helps people become easier to deal with. There are many immature people that frustrate their partners’ efforts to move the relationship forward simply because their head is bobbing along the clouds. But emotionally intelligent people are easy to get along with thanks to their deep self-awareness which also helps them understand other people. Emotionally intelligence promotes self-awareness.
Empathy
The world is in a dire shortage of empathy. Everyone wants to get their way at everyone else’s expense. Nobody wants to put their plans on hold if it means benefiting someone else. But then lack of empathy is slowly making the world such a dark place to be. When it comes to relationships, the same attitude prevails i.e. partners are vicious with one another. Emotionally intelligent people are good at understanding the feelings and thoughts of their partner and acting in an appropriate way. For instance, if their partner becomes sick, they will take it upon themselves to perform their partner’s duties, instead of letting them carry on in such a state.
Leadership
Sorry, leadership is not just about politics and business. Leadership skills can be applied virtually anywhere. When it comes to relationships, it’s extremely critical for one or both parties to have leadership skills. This is what helps them form ideas that will steer their relationship forward. In the absence of leadership skills, partners won’t be able to build a strong foundation for their relationship, and this threatens their survival. A good leader not only cares about their personal goals but also their partner’s goals. They have a winning mindset.
Approachable
What good is it if you are knowledgeable, resourceful, handsome, name it, but your very presence is repulsive. Charisma is one of the qualities that are extremely critical in succeeding at every field you can think of. People are drawn toward charismatic individuals. People cooperate with charismatic individuals. Emotionally intelligent people tend to be charismatic for they know how to speak and act in a manner that touches just the right emotions. But uncharismatic people are boring roosters and their partners commonly have a low opinion of them. Never underestimate the importance of being the sort of person that your partner loves talking to.
Confidence
Unless you have self-confidence, you are unlikely to get what you are after. Being confident is about developing a winner’s mindset and getting rid of self-inhibiting tendencies. Confident people know what they want and they don’t hesitate reaching for it. On the other hand, unconfident people are stimulated by just about everything, making them lose focus. Confidence helps a person know where they want to take their relationship. And then they follow through with actions. Improving your emotional intelligence tends to improve one’s confidence too. It helps a person trust themselves.
Achievement of goals
People who see progress in their lives are those with goals. You will rarely move forward as a result of a stab in the dark. Goals are welcome in every area of human life. When it comes to relationships, it is extremely critical for couples to set goals for themselves, realistic goals, for that will help them grow. Emotionally intelligent people, thanks in large part to their self-awareness and motivation, are good at setting realistic goals for their relationships, which they almost always accomplish. Winning is something they are used to. And this makes their partner’s proud.
Chapter 8: Cultivating empathy in marriage
When you have empathy, you will feel the pain of your partner, and there’ll be no shortage of such opportunities. Sadly, we live in a cruel world where people are mostly self-centered and couldn’t care less about their partners. Most relationships seem to go well until a major challenge shows up – then the masks fall off. The success of a relationship is in large measure down to the level of empathy between the partners. And empathy is a skill everyone can fine-tune when they get rid of the negative influences numbing their empathic nature. These are some of the main ways that empathy is promoted in a relationship.
Putting yourself in your partner’s shoes
Let’s say your partner works in a highly stressful environment like newsroom. In a normal day, they hear countless nauseating stories from around the world, deal with stern editors, and probably clash with a few workmates. When they come home in the evening they are virtually spent. It would be insensitive to put demands on them after such a hectic day at work. It would be nicer to wait for the weekend or their day off to bring up an important issue. If you can put yourself in their shoes, you will be less likely to speak or act in an off putting manner.
Be your partner’s quasi-therapist
Marriage fosters unity. So, whatever ails your partner, by extension, ails you too. If you let your partner’s emotional or physical health get worse, then there’s hell to pay. Acting like a therapist for your partner doesn’t take the place of professional help. It is just an exercise of devotion. When your partner is distressed, and there’ll be many days like that, don’t let them stay in the room alone as you enjoy some other activities. Instead, sit down with them and explore their feelings. Talk therapy is real and it helps a distressed person feel better. Learn to talk with your partner intimately and make them open up about their vulnerabilities.
