Mayday (Reality Check #1), page 14
Finn made arrangements with a local pilot to fly us out of Billy Mitchell Airport. Flying non-commercially was amazing. The pilot, a sixty-year old Air Force veteran, gave us an amazing tour, telling us all about what we were seeing on the ground below. He made bad jokes and told me I was his navigator, putting Finn in the row of seats just behind the cockpit. I sat beside him, at his insistence. I didn’t navigate anything, but enjoyed being up front and watching the man in his element. It was something I’d likely never see again.
Harvey was perfect at what he did, never faltering or second-guessing himself. Flight came as naturally to him as it did the birds of the air. When we touched down, I pecked his cheek with a kiss and watched his face light up as Finn fussed over it dramatically, to the delight of both of us.
“You keep hold of this one, son,” he teased. “I don’t see a ring on that finger, and if you don’t watch it, someone’ll come along and snatch her up.”
I laughed. There would never be a ring on this finger. Men wanted simple, they didn’t want complicated; no issues allowed except their own. Mom taught me one thing about them that I knew was right – for the most part, they were selfish creatures.
Except Finn didn’t seem to fit that mold most of the time.
We checked into our hotel and walked the beach until it was time to get ready to meet his mom for dinner. That was when the nerves set in. I felt like an intruder. “Does your mom know I’m coming?”
He smiled. “Nervous?”
“Yes.”
Finn was cinching a dark leather belt around his waist. He’d pressed his slacks and dress shirt and then rolled the sleeves up, baring his forearms. I wasn’t sure I was dressed right. “She knows,” he said, walking toward me. “And you look beautiful, so stop fidgeting.”
I was going to tell him I wasn’t fidgeting, but then I noticed I was and just hadn’t realized it. I wore a pair of dark dress pants and a lightweight red sweater with boots. I couldn’t wear heels or flats without falling all over myself. With heels, my ankles wobbled. With flats, the heel of the shoe clomped everywhere. I sounded stupid and looked it, too.
He pulled me to him and kissed my forehead, breathing me in. “You smell amazing.”
He did, too. I wrapped my arms around him and squeezed. Stay with me, I thought, knowing I had no right to think it. Finn might have forgiven me, but he hadn’t forgotten what I did, and I knew I never would, either. I was sure his mother knew that, too.
We made our way downstairs to the lobby where the front desk called a cab for us, and five minutes later, we were sitting in the back of a yellow car heading toward an Italian restaurant with a name I couldn’t pronounce. I didn’t tell Finn that, though.
When the cabbie pulled over, Finn paid the fare and we exited the vehicle. The restaurant was beautiful. Dark ceilings and walls, light fixtures with glass globes that cast a warm glow over each table. And on each of those, a fresh, red rose sat in a small vase of water. Finn told the hostess that we were meeting someone and gave her his name. “Mrs. Cohen is already here. Follow me.”
I swallowed back my nervousness as Finn placed his hand in mine. We followed the hostess through a maze of wooden furniture and warm conversation toward the back of the restaurant to a more private table.
Finn thanked the hostess for showing us the way and I gave her a small smile, fixing my attention back on his mom. She was pretty. Her eyes were blue and clear, but with a sadness that I recognized in the mirror sometimes. That kind of look took years to form. She hugged him, her fingers shaking behind his back as she clutched her napkin. The cloth was barely recognizable, either from use or wringing, I couldn’t tell which.
When he pulled away, he put an arm around me. “Mom, I’d like you to meet Jessa McDaniel.”
She offered me her free hand and I shook hers quickly, unable to look her completely in the eye. “Jessa. You’re lovelier in person than you were on television.” So she had seen the show. I knew that was going to be the case, but hearing it come out of her lips threw me off balance. If Finn hadn’t been holding me up, I might have crumbled to the floor.
“Thank you, ma’am.”
Finn slid into the booth and patted the seat next to him while his mother took her seat again. Thick, uncomfortable silence laid heavily between mother and son.
“I’m glad you came,” she finally said. “I missed you.”
He smiled slightly. “I’ve missed you, too, Mom.”
“Your father wanted to come-”
“I’m glad he didn’t,” Finn interrupted, his back stiffening as he opened his menu. I could see the muscle in his jaw jump. Once.... twice.
The server came. “My name is Anna. It’ll be my pleasure to serve you this evening.” She smiled as she told us the meal and drink specials, and quickly filled our glasses with a slender pitcher of ice water. “Please take a few moments to look over the menu. I’ll be right back with a loaf of bread and will take your order then.”
When Anna was out of earshot, Finn’s mother spoke again. “Tell me about your experience with Mayday, you two,” she said. She wore a pantsuit that probably cost a lot of money. Several strings of pearls hung from her neck, and pearls were in her ears, too. I pinched the smooth, fleshy bottom of mine, wondering if I should have pierced them in New York.
“Do you know what you’d like to order?” Finn asked, ignoring her question.
I nodded once, and with my eyes begged him to answer her.
He snapped his menu closed. “It was the best thing I’ve ever done in my life, Mom.”
She looked shocked at his statement. “Surely not! I watched the entire show, son. I know how it ended.” Mrs. Cohen gave me a pointed look.
“And yet,” he smiled, placing his hand on my thigh under the table. “Here we are, still together. I’ve got Jessa’s back and she has mine.”
His mother’s lips pursed and she patted her short, gray bob haircut. Not that a hair could’ve been out of place with as stiff as it looked. “Did you need her just to sit across the table from your own mother?”
“I did.” His tone was matter-of-fact. “And she came with me because I asked her to. She lets me live with her because I need to, and I will do anything in my power to make sure she’s happy and taken care of. I love her.”
I inhaled sharply, throwing my eyes at him.
His grip on my thigh tightened slightly, like he was telling me to stay with him. I would, I just... didn’t expect that. My heart pounded in my chest.
His mom was not happy. She narrowed her eyes at me, saying, “After all she did to you? She humiliated you on national television, and yet you need her? You’re living with her? I did not raise you to be a doormat, Finn.”
“No, you let Dad do that.”
Her mouth gaped open. So did her eyes. “You listen here—”
“No. You know what, Mom? I’m not listening to any of you anymore. I’ve never been good enough, because I’ve never been Benton. I’m never going to be him. Hell, I don’t want to be! I hate Benton, and I hate Dad. So if you want to be in my life, you’re going to have to accept my choices, right or wrong. And you’ll just have to love me through everything. If you can’t do that, then maybe you need to go.”
He sat, stock still, gripping my thigh and staring at his mother.
She calmly took a sip of water, and then thanked Anna when she brought our bread and told her what dish she’d like.
Finn and I gave our orders. The tension was so thick it could be chopped. After a few tense moments when Anna headed to the kitchen, his mother opened her mouth. No sound came out at first and then, she said something unexpected. “You’re right.”
“Pardon me?” Finn asked, tilting his head.
“I said, you’re right, and I’m sorry. I know you aren’t Benton, and I don’t want you to be. I know you’re grown and can make your own decisions, but I’m your mother and will always worry about you and whether you’re making the right ones. I earned that in the delivery room, so deal with it.”
She stuffed a piece of garlic bread in her mouth, chewing angrily, and then sipped her water and turned to me. “Now, dear. I’ve also earned the right to tell you all of his embarrassing childhood stories.” Mrs. Cohen smiled for the first time since I met her.
So did I.
That was that. The tension had been broken between them. Their relationship was mended over stories about Finn streaking through the neighborhood on a dare from his brother, of tying empty soda cans to his dog’s tail so he could have an alarm system, and with good food and laughter.
Seeing him with his mother made me happy, but at the same time, it tore me apart. My mother would never love me. She never had.
But Finn.... he said he did, and I mostly believed him.
Chapter 32
Reality Check Magazine: Did you do anything fun while in Miami? Other than meet Finn’s mother, I mean.
Jessa: We spent time together. Finn showed me everything. He opened up to me in a way that made me want to open up to him. Miami was magical, and it was all because of Finn.
After dinner, Finn and I walked his mom to a waiting cab outside. She hugged him tightly before climbing in, politely told me it was nice to meet me, and begged him to call her again soon. She meant it.
You could always tell when people were fake. His mom, though she started out acting that way, was sincere when she asked him to stay in her life. He told her he would, and Finn’s promises were as good as gold.
When her cab pulled away, it was dark. The red glow of the taillights faded with distance and Finn blew out a breath. “That went better than I expected it to.”
A nagging thought entered my mind. What if he meant he loved me as a friend, as a partner in crime, as a survival buddy? What if he didn’t mean it how I hoped he did?
“Yeah. It really did. I’m not sure how it happened, but it all worked out.”
He laughed. “My family has a flair for the dramatic. We like to explode and then put the pieces back together as fast as we can. Or Mom does, at least.”
Finn turned to me. “Want to walk back to the hotel? It’s about fifteen blocks, so if you would rather get a cab—”
“I’d love to.”
He smiled and wrapped his hand around mine as we walked past the buildings toward a public beach access. The sand here was like powder, fine and white. “Beaches are beautiful. It doesn’t matter where in the world they are,” I said, marveling at the ocean. It never got old to look at.
Finn was quiet for a few minutes. I thought I’d said something wrong and wracked my brain trying to figure out what it was.
“I meant it, you know,” he finally said.
“Meant what?”
“I love you, Jessa.”
“What does that mean?” It could mean anything. There were many kinds of love.
“It means I want to be the one you look for when you need help. I want to be the one you know will always be there for you. And I want you to be there for me. I want you. I love you.”
My heart curled toward him with each beat. “I hope I can be that for you,” I said, my voice breaking. I didn’t know how to love, or how I even deserved the love of this man standing in front of me.
“Just love me. Stay with me,” he breathed against my lips.
I nodded. “I will.”
My mom’s voice whispered in my mind, You’re too hard for him. You’ll break him.
But Finn’s lips on mine shoved the demon away.
We paused to kiss again at almost every block. Being here with him as he faced his fears… something changed in Finn that night. He was like an ember that sparked into a fire, and I was caught in his flames, loving every second of the burn.
When we made it to the hotel, he breathed, “Thank fuck,” and jammed his finger at the elevator button. As the doors parted for us, Finn looked around to make sure no one else was around to enter with us, and then he backed me into the corner and parted my knees with his thigh. I held onto his biceps just to keep from melting as he kissed a fiery path up my neck, licking the shell of my ear. I made sounds that I didn’t know I could make; high-pitched, needy, breathy. He was everywhere. His hands, his mouth, his body flush with mine. I pulsed.
When the elevator stopped at the tenth floor, he pulled me down the hallway, flashed the key in front of the sensor, and hauled me into the room. His palm on my breast, he kissed me.
“Don’t make me stop,” he pleaded.
“God, no.”
Those were the only words he needed, but Finn wasn’t greedy or in a hurry. I learned that Finn took his time. He liked to savor. He knelt down and unlaced my boots slowly, taking them and my socks off one by one. Then he ran his arms up and down the backs of my thighs.
He unbuttoned my pants and watched as they slipped down my legs. When he stood up, he dragged my sweater with him, up over my head. It fell to the floor with my other things. He smelled like cologne and it was a heady combination of smell, feel, and taste as he carried me to the bed and laid me on it.
I watched him undress then, pulling a condom out of his pocket and throwing it on the nightstand beside us. His briefs were the only thing he kept on. My underwear and his were the only barriers between us now.
“God, I’ve missed you,” he said, kissing a path down my chest as he hovered over me.
“You’ve been with me for weeks,” I countered.
“Not like this.”
“You’ve never been with me like this,” I said, smiling.
“You tortured me. Every day on that island, I wanted to rip your bikini off with my fucking teeth.”
A shiver of pleasure rolled up my spine. “Why didn’t you?”
“You wanted to lose your virginity on camera?” he asked.
“No,” I said. But there were times when I seriously thought it might’ve been worth it.
“Are you ready for this, Jess? Because if you aren’t, I’ll wait until you are.” I could see that he was being honest. I knew if I put the brakes on, he’d stop right now, but I also saw the tension in his eyes. He was trying his damnedest to maintain control.
“I’m ready. I want you, Finn.”
And... then his control snapped. He kissed me like a man possessed, pulling me up to straddle him as he unhooked my bra. His tongue found my nipples and when he tugged on one with his teeth, I inhaled loudly. When he grinned and did the same to the other, I felt him harden against me. I rocked my hips against his and he hissed, latching onto my hips and pushing me against him. The friction was too much.
“Finn,” I panted.
“Shhh,” he said before kissing me. “I’ll take care of it.”
And he did, laying me down and sliding my panties off. He stroked me until my back arched off the bed and fireworks exploded behind my eyes. “Easy,” he whispered.
I caught my breath and looked up at him. “Is it always like that?”
He smiled. “It will be.”
Oh, thank God. Because I definitely needed more of that in my life.
He climbed lower down the mattress and parted my knees, and I slammed them shut again. What was he doing?
“Trust me?” he asked.
I nodded.
“Let go, Jessa.”
I relaxed my muscles and let him part my knees, and when his tongue hit my most private place, I cried out. His tongue swirled around me. He lapped at me like I was the most delicious thing he’d ever tasted, and then he told me so, sticking a finger into my body and making me plead for more.
When he climbed back up and kissed me, I tasted myself on his tongue and on his lips. He grinned as he took in my reaction, so I reached down and slowly raked my fingers down his cock. He wasn’t grinning anymore, but I was.
I raked my fingers down his back, slowly peeling away the briefs. He kicked them to the floor and I was finally able to see all of him. Finn was built like a sculpture; all muscle and man and perfection. He liked it when I looked at him, but he loved it when I took my fingers and brushed the silky tip of him, already glistening with moisture. He almost came undone when I bent down and licked the bead off the top.
“Not today, Jessa. I need to be inside you.” He leaned over and grabbed the foil packet, tearing it open and rolling the condom over the length of him.
“Okay.”
“This might hurt.”
Mom told me many times that sex always hurt a woman, so I knew it and was already prepared. When he braced his arms on either side of me and kissed my lips reverently, I knew he would try to make it hurt less. So I braced myself and waited for the pain to come.
He positioned himself at my entrance, rubbing up and down along my skin until nothing but silky wetness remained. “Ready?”
I nodded, swallowing my nervousness.
The feeling was foreign. Tight and stretching, but not completely unpleasant. I expected pain. This was a little uncomfortable, but not painful. A sheen of sweat coated Finn’s forehead. He gritted his teeth in concentration. “I need to move a little, Jess,” he said almost apologetically.
“It’s okay. I’m okay.”
He eased out and back in slowly again and again, until the feeling of fullness was pleasant and there was no pain at all; only pleasure and an intense, building pressure that I knew only he could help me stop.
“Finn?” I cried out as he made love to me.
“Just let go, Jessa.”
I gradually relaxed my muscles, and all at once that feeling of flying with the stars returned. Just as suddenly, Finn stilled. He was still inside me and I didn’t know what to do, but then he caught his breath and raised up, easing out of me. “Come on,” he said, smiling and holding a hand out for me. “Let’s get cleaned up.”
I hoped he wanted to do that again later.
Because I wanted to.
And I wanted him to show me what it was like when he wasn’t holding back so much.
