Mayday (Reality Check #1), page 13
“No, you won’t. Why are you here?”
“I want to talk to you,” he said with a shrug. “You were too stubborn to stop your car, so I followed you here.”
“There is no way you followed me all the way from New York.”
He smiled, wiggling his cell phone at me. “I tossed it in your back window and then tracked it with iCloud on my iPad. Led me right to you.”
I groaned. “I hate technology.”
“Well you shouldn’t, because technology told me a lot more about your relationship with your mom than you wanted to.”
I stared at him. He’d googled it. I expected that, but I didn’t expect him to show up in my house unannounced.
“You going to put the bat down?”
“I haven’t decided yet.”
Chapter 29
Reality Check Magazine: *grinning* So, tell us how you two found each other again.
Jessa: Finn is amazing with technology. And, apparently with very little effort, he found me.
He looked at the bat and then back at me, smirking. “You turned her in.”
My grip on the bat tightened.
“Your mom. You called the police and told them what she was doing. That had to have been hard, Jess. You’re braver than I’ve ever thought of being; than I’ve ever had to be.”
How did I tell him it wasn’t bravery, but fear that made me pick up the phone that day and tell the police what Mom had planned that night? This time she wanted me to help. She was going to force me, and I knew that once I crossed that line, I couldn’t step back to the other side again. There was no way to come back from that.
“You don’t know anything about it.” Snapping at him was easier than explaining.
“No I don’t, but I want you to tell me. Over breakfast.”
“You want me to discuss my mother over scrambled eggs and biscuits?”
He shrugged. “You hungry?”
I was. “Yes.”
“Then, yeah. Let’s talk over breakfast.”
Ugh. “I have to pee.” I plodded to the bathroom, dropping the bat on the couch as I went. “And I need coffee.”
“I didn’t know you liked it,” he yelled over his shoulder.
“We didn’t exactly have that luxury on the island. And there’s a lot you don’t know about me, Finn.” He’d probably hate me if he stayed around long enough. Why was he being so nice to me, given what I did to him? I humiliated him on national television, and I abandoned him after pleading with him to stay with me. And he would have. Until the very end.
I washed my hands and then splashed water on my face, twisting my hair into a messy knot. When I looked at myself, I saw that I had a Joker face. The mascara had run down my cheeks, the smudge-proof lipstick they’d put on did not live up to its hype, and the fake eyelashes were missing on one side and peeling off on the other. I tugged at the one still hanging on until it came off and then scrubbed my face. My face was splotchy, but it was still an improvement. I was shocked Finn hadn’t taken off running for the hills.
When I stepped back into the living room, Finn was placing two steaming plates of food on the table. He strode to the refrigerator and untwisted the cap on the milk, sniffing it. His nose wrinkled and he put the cap back on. “Water it is.”
“There’s orange juice.”
“If it’s as bad as the milk, water will be fine.” He found the juice and sniffed it, deciding it was okay. “Where are your glasses?”
“Cabinet to your left.”
Filling two tall glasses, we settled at the table, staring at each other through the steam of the food he’d made.
Awkward wasn’t a strong enough word for what it felt like in my house at that moment. Tense. Weird. Confusing, with an undercurrent of anger I couldn’t shake. He was in my space uninvited, staring at me like I owed him the world. And I didn’t.
I’d already paid him his share of the winnings; the winnings I negotiated for us.
“You got your GED? That was fast,” he finally said.
“Yeah.” The show paid for a tutor. They also paid my rent for three months until I could get identification, pass my driver’s exam, and find a used car. Once all that was in order I offered to pay them back, but Grayling declined, saying I’d earned it and the expense wasn’t that great anyway. I was about to disagree and insist that she take my money, but then I thought better of it. She did owe me. Screw her, I decided. I’d take the money.
“You hid well. But now I know why I couldn’t find you, and why the private investigator I hired couldn’t find you.” I took a sip of my orange juice, raising a bite of eggs to my mouth when what he said finally hit me.
I glanced to the coffee table where my wallet had been removed from my purse. My driver’s license was laying on top of both. “What the hell, Finn?”
“I invaded your privacy. Yep, that was me. I did that.”
“You have some balls, walkin’ in here and—”
He grinned and stopped me mid-sentence. “You’ve seen them. Felt them. I do have balls, Jessa, and I’m not leaving here until you tell me everything. So consider me your new roomie unless you want to spill everything. Right here, right now.”
“You aren’t my roommate.”
“I am now.”
“I live alone,” I said, the fork clattering to my plate.
“Not anymore.”
Finn was cool as a cucumber as he scooped eggs onto his biscuit, making a sandwich and taking a big bite out of it. “I’ll cook.”
Finn spent three nights with me before I finally realized he wouldn’t leave until I actually talked to him. I was sure once I did, he’d run for the hills. Hell, I would have, so I told him everything.
It was winter. Late January ushered in breezes off the water. It was freezing and we were both bundled up to fight the cold outside, but I needed to be on the sand. Since Mayday, it was the place I felt most comfortable.
Hands in our pockets, we stood on the shore, watching the frothy waves reach toward us. The tide was coming in and soon it would almost reach the stilts on the porch of the house. When I rented it, the sandbags around each wooden beam freaked me out, but there were others that looked just like this one, strewn up and down the Outer Banks, unafraid of erosion or time. People who owned or rented them were just happy to be that much closer to the ocean.
The tide drew humans like moths to a flame. Maybe it was because we were made up mostly of water, and like called to like. Maybe it was the sound, the smell of the briny water. The depths that Finn feared so much, something bigger than ourselves.
I was about to tell him all I could when he spoke up. “My dad cheats on my mom. He always had affairs. He never even tried to hide them; he always spoke openly to all of us about the women he kept. He called them his ‘companions’.”
That was disgusting.
“All these years later, my mom is still trying to make him love her. She’s always tried, but it’s never enough. He’s a bastard. The way he taught me to swim is just one example of a very fucked-up childhood, but all the things my family hides behind – smiles and a good name, money – that’s nothing compared to what you went through.”
“Everyone goes through bad things,” I told Finn. “Don’t make light of your own demons just because mine are different.”
“I guess,” he said, pausing. “I guess I just want you to know that I’m not like him. I won’t ever be like him. That’s my greatest fear; that I’ll do just one thing like Dad and become him. Benton has always worshipped him, and I can already see Dad molding him into his own shadow. Benton won’t be a good man, a good husband. He won’t be a good anything. I think that’s what you and I have most in common, Jess. We don’t want to be like the monsters who raised us. That’s our greatest fear. And Mayday played on that fear. I didn’t understand why you left me there, and for a long time I was angry with you. But I understand now. I’m not angry anymore. I get it, and if I was in your position, I’d have done the same thing.”
“You wouldn’t have. I asked you to stay with me, and you would have, Finn, because you are so much better than your father. You know what a promise means. Your word is good because of the man who backs it up. You would never have done what I did.”
He swallowed, staring at the ocean. “Thanks.”
“She wasn’t always crazy. I have some good memories from when I was really little. Normal ones, like making cookies and going to the grocery store. She let me sit in the big part of the buggy. She’d let me sit in her lap in the car and pretend to drive.”
I remembered her smile so vividly. Mom used to be happy.
“But one night, I went to my first sleepover. It was my friend’s fifth birthday, and she invited me and two other girls to spend the night. I had to beg Mom for a week to let me go, but she finally agreed. She decided to go out with some of her girlfriends. But I knew somethin’ happened to her that night, because after that, it was like the difference between day and night. She didn’t smile anymore. We never went anywhere together. Never did anything. She left me at home more and more and didn’t come home. When Kindergarten started, I wasn’t allowed to go to school or leave our little cabin. I wondered for so long what I’d done to her. Maybe it was all because I went to that party.”
Finn wrapped a comforting arm around my shoulders. “When I was ten, I started my period. She told me all about that and about men, tellin’ me they only wanted what was between my legs; that they’d take it, and her hidin’ me was her job. Keepin’ me safe was her job.
“She went to work a lot after that, always at night. I’d sit up waitin’ for her and sleep with her when she got home the next morning. Sometimes she was covered in blood. Sometimes, she just smelled like cheap perfume and liquor.
“When I was fourteen, she asked me to go with her to work. I was actually excited. I wanted to see what she did all night when she was away. I let her doll me up and hopped in the car with her, and we drove to a bar a few counties over. The men all leered at me. I remember the feeling of my skin crawling and how much I wanted to leave, but she made me stay. When I excused myself to go to the bathroom, a man followed me into the ladies room.”
I couldn’t help my voice breaking.
“But he didn’t hurt me, because my mom had followed him. She put a rag over his mouth and backed him out of the room, out a back door, and out to our car. By the time he stumbled and fell into the front seat, he was unconscious.”
Finn should have run then, because I kept talking.
“She drove out to the woods, close to home. And she... put some ammonia under his nose and woke him up. Mama smiled as he stuttered and scrambled to get out of the car. She told me to come with her, but I was frozen. Twenty minutes later, she came back for some rope. She’d tracked and killed him, just like a hunter would. Then she used the rope to hang him upside down from a tree limb. I can still remember the sight of all his blood drippin’ onto the leaves at her feet. She smiled. She hummed, Finn. She was happier than I’d seen her in years. But that wasn’t enough for her. Killin’ wasn’t enough. She… mutilated him, all the while tellin’ me what all his parts were for, and where to stick people if I wanted to hunt with her one day.”
“Did you tell her you didn’t want to?” he finally asked.
“I did, and I’d never seen her more mad or disappointed. She didn’t come home for a week after that. I was half starved. It was winter and we only had a couple of cans of food in the cabin. When they were gone, it was empty. But I learned how to start a fire. I’d watched her do it that night. She burned that man till nothing but bones were left. I’ll never forget the smell.”
“My God, Jess. You were just a kid.” He began pacing. “You turned her in after you turned fifteen.”
“She was going to make me do it. She wanted me to show her I could fend for myself. But her eyes… When they hauled her away, if looks could kill, I wouldn’t be standin’ here now. And I have to look at her every time there’s a court hearing until either she dies, or I do. I can’t stand the thought of comin’ face to face with my own mother again, but I have to. To keep her in prison where she belongs, that’s exactly what I’ll do.”
“When is her next hearing?”
“April twentieth.”
Finn looked at me like he was either going to beat me or kiss me, and then he said, “I want to be there with you.”
That took me aback.
“What? No. This is my burden, Finn.”
“Then let me shoulder it with you.”
Chapter 30
Reality Check Magazine: So he followed you home and you let him stay?
Jessa: Yes. Yes, I did.
Finn didn’t run screaming for the hills, and I was glad he stayed. For the first time I could remember, I felt safe and comfortable. He didn’t want to leave and I didn’t want him to go, so we fell into a familiar pattern. He cooked and I cleaned. We watched movies, played board games, and walked on the beach.
He managed to forgive me for the deal I made with the devil.
The day of the trials against Ruger and Star, I snapped. After the fighting demonstration against Eric, I couldn’t take it anymore. When I ran out into the jungle. Grayling called me on the communicator. She’d had a cameraman follow me and knew I was falling apart at the seams. “I have a proposition for you,” she said.
“I’m sick of your games!” I screamed.
“That’s not what this is, and if you do this, it will end the game. It will cause the audience to hate you, but I’ll see that you’re more than compensated for that.”
“What is it?” I blubbered, wiping the tears from my eyes.
“Call Mayday. If you quit now and leave Finn behind, I’ll have an ATV pick you up and you’ll be done with the game.”
“And lose the money? I don’t think so, Grayling.”
“That’s the most important part. I’ll double the money. Two million dollars if you quit right now. It’s that simple.”
“I want it in writing.” I wondered what the hell I was doing. What I was thinking? How’d I get to be so desperate to leave? To leave him? But he would find out. He would learn that I was the spawn of a freaking monster and he’d never look at me the same way again. I couldn’t watch the change in his eyes.
“Fine,” she agreed. “Tell the cameraman to begin filming. Play your part well, Jessa.”
So I did. No sooner than her face disappeared on my screen, I hit the red button on the communicator and cried, “Mayday! Mayday! Mayday! I want off this fucking island. Now!”
The ATV arrived a while later, meeting me and the cameraman in the jungle. Finn was left in the cave, on the island, alone.
He would be a failure, another of his biggest fears. He would be a disappointment, embarrassed on national television. But two million dollars was more than enough to split between us. It was what we were originally promised and he’d more than earned his half. I’d see that he got it.
And I did.
One day when we sat down to play Monopoly, Finn grinned at me. “I like your new name, by the way.”
My face felt like it was on fire. Grayling helped me with a few other things; one was a new identity. I didn’t want to be a McDaniel anymore, and the only name I really wanted attached to mine was his, so I became Jessa Cohen. He’d seen my driver’s license.
I opened my mouth to respond, but couldn’t think of a single thing to say. “I like it, too,” finally came out.
It was February. Winter beat against the house in the form of small flakes of flurrying snow. It was beautiful and the wood-burning fireplace was warm.
“Has your family tried to contact you?” I asked him.
“Yes. I ignore them.”
“Even your mom?”
His lips pursed. “For now, yes.”
“I think you should go see her. Just because your dad and brother are awful, doesn’t mean it’s your mom’s fault.”
“She should’ve left him years ago.”
“That’s what you would do, but it doesn’t mean it’s easy for her to do it. She loves him, or maybe she thinks she does. Anyway, people always say that, but they don’t think about how hard, financially and otherwise, it would be to just pack a bag and leave. Does she have a job?”
“No,” he bit out.
I gave him a small smile, hoping he’d think about it. He slammed the board closed, knocking over the decks we’d just shuffled. “I’m done,” he said. Then he threw on his coat, shoes, and scarf and walked out the door.
Cleaning up the mess with trembling hands, I cried. He didn’t scare me; I was just afraid he was leaving for good.
But he didn’t. An hour later, with red, chapped skin on his face, he stepped back into the door he left from. He kicked his boots off and hung his coat and scarf on the rack. “I’m sorry,” he said. “You’re right. You were right, so I called her.”
“Are you going to Miami?” My stomach clenched. I didn’t want him to leave. Mostly because I was afraid he wouldn’t come back to me. Not that I’d blame him. Eventually, he’d get tired and find something better. I didn’t have much to offer him. Sometimes, though, like right now, he looked at me like I was all he wanted in the world, and I felt like something warm and bright and beautiful.
He nodded. “Yeah, next week. I’m not staying with them, though.” I understood why. “I want you to come with me.”
My mouth gaped open, and for a moment I was silent. But then, “Okay,” slid out and every tense muscle in his body relaxed.
He took a deep breath. “Okay. I need you,” he said.
It felt good to be needed.
Chapter 31
Reality Check Magazine: Tell me about the trip to Miami.
Jessa: Well, it was interesting….
Winter in Miami was warmer than I expected, though most of the time in coastal North Carolina, it wasn’t exactly frigid. There were bitterly cold days, and while sometimes it flurried, snow rarely accumulated. When it did, it quickly melted away. It was like the sand held part of the sun’s warmth in it, even in the coldest times.
