Redemption's Road, page 21
part #3 of Five Points Series
More chewing on the cheek. Amanda was going to bite a hole through her flesh.
“Everything okay at home?” Another nod. Something was eating her that she didn’t want to talk about. Naomi walked by us, and I smiled all the way from my heart.
Amanda pointed to her. “She’s pretty awesome, you know. Naomi, I mean.”
“That she is. I came close to losing her until I came to my senses. They say God watches over children and fools. Since I’m no longer a child, guess which category I fall in?”
Amanda grinned and shrugged. “I was going to write this in my journal, but I think I want to talk instead.”
I nodded. “You can talk to me about anything.”
Amanda took a deep breath. “How did you know?”
That got my attention. Clarifying what she meant would be a delicate process. “That I was gay?”
“No, goof. I know how that works.” She pointed to herself. “Duh, a kid of lesbians. My parents are all about talking through how it’s okay if I am or not.”
Ah, slightly irritated but more communicative. “Then you want to know how I knew Naomi was the one?” Head nod. Bingo. I held up a finger to indicate that I needed a moment. This should be Amanda’s parents talking to her, but as we all know, every kid thinks their parents are idiots. We seek out some other source that will magically have all the answers our parents are too stupid to possess. In my case, I wouldn’t have asked my parents about anything related to love, sex, or for that matter, anything else.
“I’m going to be honest with you, because I think you’re mature enough to understand what I’m going to say and not need the gritty details. Cool with you?”
Amanda added a smirk to her nod.
This was dangerous territory. Lord, help me. I’d already spoken to each of the parents and had their permission to be frank with the kids about my life. The kids knew I’d be as truthful as I could, without fail. I’d answer any questions, within reason. This conversation definitely meant walking that line with all the balance of a tightrope walker. “I knew she was the one when something other than my libido told me so. Does that make sense?”
I watched her mull over that statement. She waggled a hand back and forth, and I took that to mean she understood a little but needed more clarification.
“When I met her, I was physically attracted to her right away. At first, that was all I could think about. All I could see was how beautiful she was. Over time, I realized that what I saw on the outside was just a fraction of the person she was on the inside. The way her mind worked, her kindness, and her compassion all turned her outward beauty into something stunning. Not to mention, she plays a wicked guitar.”
I bumped Amanda’s shoulder to lighten the mood a bit. “She could read my mind and frequently finished my sentences. Naomi could tell what I was saying, even when I couldn’t clearly articulate it. It was like having the final gear put in place to make the motor turn. When I felt whole, that’s when I knew.”
We sat for several minutes, silently studying the room. Amanda’s eyes stopped on some invisible point. Suspecting her focus was actually internal, I waited.
“There’s a girl.” Amanda stopped and cleared her throat. “A girl that I met through the STEM club.”
“The science and technology group you belong to?”
“Yeah.”
I probed gently. “Is she any good at technology?”
“Wicked good.” Amanda’s smile lit up her face.
I listened, as she told me more about the young lady she was interested in. This was the most I’d ever heard her speak, period. Smitten without a doubt.
Amanda’s phone buzzed, and she pulled it from beneath her leg. Her hands shook so badly, she dropped it. I watched her out of the corner of my eye, as she picked it up and let her thumbs fly over the screen, tapping out some message that made her giggle.
Amanda closed her eyes and smiled shyly. “Sorry.”
“I take it that was her?”
“Yeah, Kiersten. She goes to University High in Morgantown.”
“Well, here is my best advice. Get to know Kiersten. Obviously, you already have some things in common. She makes you laugh; that’s important. Find out what’s important to her. Be good friends first, then be good to each other.” I looked up to Naomi, who was walking toward us. “And above all things, be honest. It’s always the best policy.”
Amanda nodded and let a small smile creep onto her face. “Thanks. Really.”
I held up my knuckles so she could bump my fist. “Anytime.”
***
Siobhan and Ellie had dinner ready for us that evening when we came back. Siobhan was indeed a closet chef and had whipped up an incredible lasagna. Ellie took credit for the salad, and I gave her as much praise as I did the new love interest in her life. The two women moved around my home, already so comfortable with each other that it was easy to see the growing relationship. Siobhan was fiercely protective and caring, with just the right amount of obstinance to let Ellie know she was no pushover.
“Siobhan, how about we play together tonight? Did you bring your instrument to practice, or would you like to use something of mine?” I opened the small studio area and showed her the collection behind the soundproof walls.”
“I brought my fiddle, but I would love ta try your banjo.” Siobhan looked around the room and ran a tender hand over the head of my grandpa’s guitar. “Maybe later, you’ll let me try ma hand at this beauty.”
“Deal. You lead for a while, then we’ll trade off.”
Naomi moved toward the instruments. Ellie started to carry the keyboard to the living room and was chided by Siobhan. “Yer not supposed ta carry anythin’ heavy.”
Ellie planted her hands on her hips. “Siobhan, the keyboard is hardly heavy. Calm your butch down.”
“Ya are a terrible patient.” Siobhan stuck out her tongue at my sister.
“Is that tongue a threat or a promise?”
I put my hand over my ears and repeated my na, na, na chant. “My ears, my ears.”
Ellie rolled her eyes at me. Siobhan let out a hearty laugh, before she strode across the room to where Ellie sat down. She handed her the keyboard and whispered in her ear. Whatever she said caused my sister’s face to blush immediately. Again, I didn’t want to know.
I grabbed the Gibson and chose my seat with Naomi on my right, holding a mandolin in her hands. When Siobhan got settled, she nodded to us. She started into a tune that began slowly then picked up. She told us the song was called Spancill Hill. When we finished that, we rolled through several more traditional Irish folk tunes. The way she played reminded me of Dropkick Murphys, upbeat and quick. Siobhan was a versatile musician. She piqued my interest enough to make a mental note to pass her group’s name around Tucker County for booking opportunities. When we finished, I clapped with appreciation.
Ellie looked at me with a sly grin and played the chords to one of our songs. “I’ve got one.” She began to play “Highways and Skyways.”
In some ways, this song was an ode to our touring days. Throughout our early years, we were all over the place. My trusty Subaru station wagon died on the side of the highway with 300,000 miles on it. We sold it for scrap and barely had enough money to replace it. After that road trip, I never ate peanut butter again. I shook my head at the memories and sang the words to keep Ellie from doing it.
“Dreams die hard out on the highways and skyways…” We ran through the entire song, accompanied instrumentally by Siobhan and Naomi. My sister and I had written the song together, as we drove away from Daytona Beach. We’d worked every club that would give us a chance and walked away with a new-to-us vehicle and business cards from a few producers.
Ellie smiled at me with knowing eyes. “Boy, does that song bring back memories.” She looked at Siobhan. “Our car took a shitter on our way to spring break in Florida. We slept in a secondhand tent at a KOA campground for a month, because we couldn’t afford a hotel.” She turned to me. “How many flavors of ramen noodles are there, Bek?” She went bug-eyed and she turned back to Siobhan. “Oh, and I’ll warn you now, don’t ever make her anything with peanut butter.” She drew her hand in a line. “Ever.”
My stomach lurched a little at the thought of it, and I almost retched.
“Got it, no peanut butter”—Siobhan mimicked Ellie’s gesture—”ever.”
Ellie reached out her hand for mine. “Good times, huh?”
“The best.” I gladly took her hand and squeezed. My cellphone chimed with a text. It was from Tank.
Can I talk to you? Please?
I showed Naomi the screen and excused myself to the kitchen to avoid the explanation. The three of them continued the impromptu jam session. I watched, as each time Ellie tried to sing, Siobhan quieted her with a gentle hand over her mouth. The woman was growing on me in ways I hadn’t expected. She fit in beautifully with my family. I typed a response.
Are you sure you’re ready to?
I watched the ellipsis stairstep up and down, indicating she was typing.
Please, Bek?
I looked into the living room and was satisfied that they were engaged enough for me to slip away. I sent my reply.
I know you can’t leave the bar. Fifteen minutes, in the back office.
Okay.
I caught Naomi’s attention, and she joined me in the kitchen. “Tank wants to talk. I know she only has one other server on tonight, so I’m going to meet her in the office.”
Naomi wrapped her arms around my shoulders. “Paul told the Ephesians, be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you.”
Sighing, I held her tightly. I’d already forgiven Tank. What I really feared was that she wouldn’t be able to forgive herself.
Chapter Twenty-Five
I PARKED MARVIN OUTSIDE the brewery and punched in my code to the rear door. Tank was sitting in the office, forearms on her knees, her hands clasped tightly together. I took off my helmet and unzipped my coat. The silence was deafening as I waited for her to speak. Tank blinked first.
“Well, aren’t you going to say something?”
I pointed to my chest. “Tank, you messaged me.” I sat on the couch.
She ran her hand through her short brown hair and stood, pacing in the small office. I still didn’t let her off the hook. She had to find this within herself. Absolution couldn’t be granted unless the individual recognized their error and atoned in some way. Even an “I’m sorry” would have been a start. Tank wasn’t even giving that. I crossed my ankle over my knee and waited, this was her show.
She continued to pace. “I don’t even know where to start.”
I leaned forward. “The beginning is always a good place.”
“God, you aren’t going to make this easy on me, are you?”
“No, I’m not. I’m here because you said you wanted to talk.” I held up my phone. “That’s what your message said. If you need forgiveness, apparently, you’ve forgotten that I gave it to you the day this happened. The rest is up to you.”
Tank stopped pacing and leaned against the desk with her head bent, avoiding eye contact. “I fucked up.”
Sitting back, I continued to wait for her. I knew putting this into words would be difficult for someone as bottled up as she’d always been. Normally, it was my job to help her articulate what she wanted to say. This time, I needed to help her find the root of the problem, so it wouldn’t happen again. I ran my hand across the leather of the couch and flexed my foot. Time passed. I tilted my head and arched a penetrating gaze in her direction. “Are you waiting for me to dispute that fact, or what?”
Tank scraped a hand over her face. “For being a damn pastor, you can be a bitch.”
“This is a waste of my time.” I stood and grabbed my helmet. Jesus said that I was supposed to turn the other cheek. She’d taken advantage and slapped that cheek hard. She wasn’t ready, and I was too tired to coddle her. It wasn’t my job to be a punching bag. I had Ellie to worry about. I took a step toward the door before she grabbed my arm.
“Wait, just wait. Shit. Please, sit down.” Tank’s voice held desperation.
I wasn’t a cruel woman, but she was pushing the limits of my pastoral patience. “I’m listening.” I didn’t sit down, electing instead to lean against the door frame, helmet in hand.
“Bek, you’re the best friend I have in the world and the only family I have left. I’m so, so sorry I lost it. I was completely out of line.”
“If you’d have hit Siobhan, your ass would be in jail, and that might have been the least of what happened to you. The object of your raging jealousy is a former military police officer. The sheriff was ready to arrest you with one word from either of us. I asked Siobhan not to press charges, and I didn’t file any either. Siobhan was an innocent party in this, and don’t get me started about what Ellie was threatening to do to you. She doesn’t even want you as a friend at this point.”
Tank nodded, biting her lip. She jumped up and started pacing again. “I know, and justifiably so. I don’t know what to do to make up for this, to any of you. Naomi asked me to do some soul searching, and I’ve tried, Bek. I have. I can’t forgive what I did, and I don’t know how to ask it of any of you.”
I came back into the room and pulled a chair directly in front of the couch. “Sit.” She hesitated, and I used more authority in my voice. “Sit down, Tank.”
As if all the fight went out of her, she slumped into the seat. “Help me, Bek.”
Pure anguish beseeched me from her eyes. I sat in front of her and leaned forward. “I’ve been trying to help you. I’ve told you that you can’t hold on to something that doesn’t want to be caged.”
Dark eyes flashed at me. “But a stranger can walk in and take her away from me?”
“Let me say this slowly.” I raised a stentorian voice to slam the message home. “No one took Ellie from you. She. Is. Not. Yours, period. Never was. Tank, whatever you’ve had in your head that said she belonged to you, is delusional. Ellie is an adult who knows her own heart and mind. She can give herself as she sees fit, to anyone she chooses. You, have zero say in it.”
Tank wiped tears from her eyes. “I love her.”
“The way you’re treating her isn’t love. You covet her. No matter what you feel, this just isn’t love. You’re trying to treat her as a possession. She’s my sister, and no one loves her like I do. That love lets me support her in the things that make her happy. She’s had people in her life that I wanted to toss off Lindy Point, but she can date any person she wants. No matter how much you think you have a right to be, you aren’t her choice.”
I shook my head gently, trying to control myself enough to continue. “If you continue this line of thinking, then we need to find a lawyer to dissolve our partnership. You’ve been my best friend for years, and I owe you more than I’ll ever be able to pay back. Right now, I don’t know who the hell you are. The Tank that’s been in my life for nearly twenty years would never have tried to punch out someone they didn’t know without it being a matter of life and death. You’re obsessed with Ellie and oblivious to everything around you.”
I was on a roll. I raised my hands in question, before crossing them over my chest to hold in the anger. “This, I can’t help you with. I can listen and counsel you. I can make suggestions for you, but you have to realize you are on a self-destructive path that won’t ever lead to Ellie being with you. You’re pushing her further away and the rest of us right along with her. Nothing, and I do mean nothing, is going to make her do anything that she doesn’t want to. She spent years being under our dad’s thumb, doing exactly what our parents told her to do. Now, if I tell her to sit down, she stands up. When I tell her to go to sleep, she’ll make it a point to stay up all night watching TV. Point that hard head in one direction, and she’ll do an about-face to go the opposite. Ellie was never allowed to make choices for herself until we left.”
I was pretty sure my blood pressure was up with the way my eardrums pounded. “If she sleeps with one or a hundred people, it will be her choice. You’ve got to face the fact, you aren’t what she wants, and you can’t force her to make the decision that you should be. Take a step back and let go of something that was never yours. Be grateful you’ve had the chance to have her in your life at all.” I stopped and took a deep breath. I tried hard to tamp down my anger and disappointment.
Tank looked up with actual tears in her eyes. “You’re right, about it all. My head knows it. It’s my heart that keeps telling me to hold on. How can I want something so badly that will never be a reality? Hell, Karmen’s so mad at me, she walked out of the store today when I came in. Senna said Karmen just got back and brought someone with her. What the fuck? Why can’t I be happy? What is it about me that isn’t worthy?”
And there’s the crux of it all. Tank had grown up in the foster system, right there in Tucker County. When she aged out, she had nowhere to go except the service. She found a home in the Marines. She was forced out in 2000, when “don’t ask, don’t tell,” was still the rule. She’d walked in on her girlfriend having sex with one of Tank’s superior officers. She’d thrown them both out of the apartment. Out of spite and revenge, the superior and the ex-girlfriend reported her. In possession of special skills, Tank immediately found a job in protective services. I’d hired her shortly after that, and we’d been close friends ever since.
“Tank, you are worthy of many things, particularly God’s grace and my forgiveness. We can never find our worth in others. If we try, there is little truth in it. Our value isn’t measured in who we love, what we own, or what we do. Our worth is based on how we live and how we treat others. There’s someone out there who is looking for someone exactly like you. Ellie just doesn’t happen to be that one.”
Lord give me strength. I gathered my thoughts. “She’s going to be with me for a while, and from the looks of it, Siobhan will be as well. That isn’t any of your concern. You have to come to terms with it and find a way to move forward. Please Tank, before this gets any further out of hand.” I pointed to my face.
